Foaming at the Mouth
Well bless your heart! You didn't just open Pandora's box with this challenge, you took a sledge hammer to it then burned the motherfucker to ashes. What is bothering me right now? Okay, you naughty glutton for punishment, you asked for it!
1. The state of music today is a joke: You don't have to study and master an instrument, you don't have to have vocal range, all you gotta do is be purdy and autotune does the rest. Real musicians don't need to be good looking. Their talent is what matters. You need examples? Keith Richards and Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones. Keith was ugly before embalming himself with heroin, cocaine, alcohol, and nicotine. Now, a three thousand year old mummy looks more youthful. In short, Keith put the ug in ugly. Still, no one can play rhythm like good ol' Keith. Now, Mick just turned 80 and the dude still struts across the fucking stage like a god. The lips that made him a sex symbol in the1960's and 1970's have lost their elasticity to the point that if a stiff wind hit them ol' Mick would be sent sailing into the next county. None of this matters because it is Keith and Mick's talent that ensures that Stones still fill stadiums to this day. Dollar for fucking donuts the only thing Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber will be able to fill when they hit their 70's is their diapers and even doing that will require autotune!
2. The 21st century's bat guano crazy cult of personality: People used to admire the likes of Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, Gandhi, Shakespeare, and Socrates. These individuals, though certainly imperfect had the courage and character that made them worthy of admiration. Who enjoys worship today? Social media influencers, sports stars, and (gag) the Kardashians. I have so many problems with these modern influences I just about foam at the mouth. Here's why:
a) Social media influencers: Exactly what is it they do that is worthy of influencing anyone? I mean, they're not trying to end world hunger or social injustice. Nope. Most of the time, they are promoting the stuff their sponsors pay them to schlep be it clothing, technology, or all things banal. Um when did we decide to emulate fucking commercials? I don't recall ever being compelled to be like Cap'n Crunch or Mr. Clean. Are we so materialistic that we worship the people who's basic purpose is to sell stuff?
b) Athletes: Now, I am a huge football fan. I grew up watching the Detroit Lions lose year in and year out. However, though I loved Barry Sanders, Herman Moore, and Calvin Johnson, they didn't influence me beyond the football field. Don't get me wrong, a lot of athletes do a lot of good off the field with charity work. However, for every athlete who dedicates their time to a worthy cause, there seems to be a douche bag who feels that their ability to catch a ball or hit a ball with a stick makes them above the law and basic human decency. The sick thing is the team owners and fans often give the players a pass for their bad behavior because they are athletically gifted. Many players have been caught beating their girlfriends, doing drugs, and even engaging in gang violence. Instead of being drummed out of their sport, they are often given the label of, "Bad Boy" and allowed to play until the negative press starts to become a distraction to the entire team or hurts ticket and merchandise sales. In short, a douche bag is a douche bag no matter how many touchdowns they catch or homeruns they hit. Character matters and awful human beings shouldn't be in the limelight just because they are good at playing a game.
3. The Kardashians: This one blows my mind. These vapid, self-centered, walking, talking, STD worst case scenarios are fucking billionaires. Why? I hear everyone talk about their business savvy. Okay, so they no how to market themselves. Unfortunately, what they market is materialism and the idea that women need to look a certain way to be successful and desirable. They make sure that the press is aware that their 5 year old's birthday party cost more than an average house and their kid's wear clothes that cost thousands of dollars. Look, women are the future and I can't wait for women to have their chance to turn the shit show that is humanity around. Unfortunately, vapid, self-promoting women who bring nothing worth while to the table like the Kardashians are preventing our new female overlords (overladies?) from taking over for the old, rich, men who have been fucking things up for centuries.
4. The blurring of opinion and fact (forgive me for getting political here): When the fuck did someone's opinion deserve to be proclaimed as the way things should be? This one has the potential to destroy the world. The conservative and liberal ideologies in this country insist that their views are absolutely right and there is no room for debate. To ask a question is to raise the standard of opposition. Both sides are guilty of this to one extreme or another, so both need to be called out.
a) Conservatives have been promoting the idea that the American way of life is under attack by those tree hugging, climate change fear mongering, LBGTQ agenda promoting, communist, liberals who hate America. They proclaim that there is a liberal conspiracy that seeks to make their children into godless, Anti-American, gender nonconforming, commies. Instead of creating an open forum to determine if these beliefs are true, laws are being passed in conservative states banning books, the free expression of sexuality or gender identity, a woman's right to choose, and even mandates that the nation's history of racism be glossed over in schools as if the problem has been solved. In short, conservatives are legislating their belief systems into reality. They are hinging everything on the idea that if it is against the law it doesn't exist and if anyone says otherwise, they are subject to punishment.
b) Liberals are just as quick to point the finger at conservatives as being the root of all evil. Their tactics are equally self-righteous and more annoying than anything. For example, many liberals feel that to question their belief means that the person who asks the question is against them. This isn't always true. For example, PETA often gives out pamphlets at local colleges in my neck of the woods decrying the evils of eating meat and using animal based products. Now, we are surrounded by dairies, beef cattle, poultry and pig farms. In short this part of California's economy is driven by all things PETA defines as evil. When I was in college I observed a fellow student ask a member of PETA, "Okay say we stop eating meat and using animal based products, what are we going to do with the MILLIONS of domesticated farm animals?" The member of PETA's response was to blow a gasket and claim that the question was sarcastic and hateful. Personally, I think it's a good question. Maybe the guy who asked the question was open to PETA's ideology, he just wanted to know if there was a plan for the farm animals. It seems more cruel to blindly free domesticated animals who lack the instincts and means to care for themselves into the world. I am guessing that thousands of these animals would die of starvation and sickness. Many liberals want change and their hearts are in the right place most of the time, but they fail to realize that they need to justify why they want change, offer to seek compromise, and also have a clue as to how to deal with the challenges that the change will create. In short, their belief may be valid TO THEM, but to others it is problematic and potentially more cruel than what the belief is so against.
Okay, I have fumed, foamed at the mouth, and declared what is currently tying my nuts in a knot. In the spirit of respectful discourse, no one needs to agree with me. I value any and all opinions so long as they don't promote violence against someone else. So, feel free to disagree, just don't force me to listen to Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber, that would be perpetrating audio violence against this bald headed, inbred, cranky, social worker.
You have made your hatred of me public in social media, and on playlists you send me.
You send me another.
You want me to hear you made a playlist about me-- after all, it carries my namesake. My stalking to find it is practically irrelevant. Perhaps I care how you are. What does it matter my intention? It is for me, like a horrid gift of a dead bird on my porch. All is void else wise.
Late at night, over two years post mortem our relationship I settle down to hear what is your peace with a cooler and my dog's steady breath nearby, It is late-- 1:10 am and I feel anxiety pool in my stomach as I see the apology for a title.
I understand your response to my existence. I'm a shit human. I have made peace with that, so I kick my toes up and down respectively presuming nothing more shall wound me.
I am wrong. You blame me with a severity that shames a murderer.
I swallow the liquor by my bedside, and taste the lime on the back of my tongue. I feel something more malevolent on the tip. Something festering, that is angry and hurt. It burns in my soul. I do not take it out on you.
I shake it off, genuinely like a dog of its water. It makes my neck ache and my lips turn upside in a grimace. I do not care. My ache is beyond me. It is not justifiable.
I will not share what you have said, but you cannot keep blaming me for everything.
It’s been years since I have loved you. Since you loved me. Since you knew me.
I returned briefly, and even at my worse I did not deserve this because I loved you, as best I could. I understand that we have traumatized each other., but not enough for you to talk about me still. Not enough to like make a playlist that is burgeoned by rage and hurt.
You do not know me if you think I am so mean. So reckless.
You do not love me. You do not understand my love. Haven’t tried.
Do you remember?
Our love short, like an ember.
Do you even care?
How we were the perfect pair.
Do you still sing it?
But singing without you is shit.
Do you cry?
When we say goodbye.
Do you know?
I still miss you though.
DO YOU LISTEN WITH HER?
What we were.
ilu honey, please don't forget about it
An Almost Sleepless Night
My whole family is dysfunctional so we all drive each other crazy. My younger brother got in trouble for something pretty serious and my whole family has been up since 4:00 a.m. dealing with this problem. Personally I like my sleep, so when it gets interrupted in such a manner, I was ready to walk outside and sleep. We live on a farm so it makes it easy to do something like that. It was a warm night so I would have slept peacefully under the stars thinking about peaceful sleep and how not to strangle the rest of my family. But family is family, right? So you got to love them.
I always say it.
To the point where I don't know when I even am.
but I can't sleep.
Cause the moment I lay down,
the weight of my thoughts overpower me.
pass it off as a joke.
Cause I don't wanna worry those around me,
have them avoid me when they need me the most.
but I don't wanna be put to rest.
Just not feel, not think.
But still be happy at best.
I say it's insomnia,
but I know it's more than that.
I dont wanna admit it, I just know I can't.
I'm tired...just so tired of it all.
That even the happiest moments are only seconds all gone.
I've always wanted to grow a garden, to have lovely plants to look at. All sorts of colors and shapes and ways to kiss the sunlight.
I started with a seed, and the rain washed it away. So I tried again, dehydration its end.
I tried growing another in water and it rotted. Tried again next week, and it wilted away.
So I bought a small plant next. It was good for a bit, and it outgrew its pot. I put it in a bigger one and it went sad and gray. Switched places, moved the soil with no avail. I saw it die with every passing day.
Got a full grown plant, and things would seem to be okay. But its leaves started falling, and stems went curved. And I was left with a huge pot full of nothing like I knew I would.
It's supposed to be easy. Friends have them all around their place. Salesmen tell me it's for dummies. My family's keep blooming every season.
So why can't I grow plants like everyone else?
I feel stupid and sad and so damn frustrated because I can't seem to do it right, no matter what I do. I forget and I try and I keep killing plants. I'm the only one that seems to be bound to ruin everything I touch.
I follow the guidelines, I do my research. I ask every person that seems to know their way around them.
But my plants keep dying and wiltering and rotting. And my loneliness grows every passing moment.
I long for my garden, my herbs, and their leaves. I long for the seedlings that grow in the spring.
I picture the flowers, bees in their leaves. I see all the lillies, sunflowers, tulips.
So I sit in the rain, with my rusty water can. Watering a garden that simply just can't.
Of course this is not about plants at all, though the struggle is real.
We each have our garden, we each have our dreams.
I have feelings that I cannot explain
you told me that our first date was the best you’d ever been on
and I didn’t agree
It was a close second, but our third date was better -
we went to that improv show downtown, remember?
I wanted to hold your hand and kiss you in public but I didn’t
we silently agreed to pretend to be friends until we got back to your house
(it is easier that way, living in the south)
the people outside don’t know how
I loved falling asleep on your chest in your bed
I think it’s funny that you brush your teeth so often
and I don’t mind standing outside while you smoke a cigarette
looking out onto the man-made lake and trying to think of jokes to tell each other
I am happy you let me stand on the balcony next to you
and I am not upset about missing the end of the episode
I loved the way you rubbed my hand with your thumb
even if it made me tremble more than usual
I love the music you listen to, I loved being close to you
I do not know if this is love, but I hate it
I hate it, Anne, I hate it
I am sorry that I keep your sunglasses in my purse
I am sorry that I wear them on other dates with other people
I want you to kiss me again
I would pull away from your lips and say, “I hate you, Anne”
I would say it until I believed it
I cannot mean it, but I want to
I want to with every part of me that wanted you
I want to hate you, but I can’t
because in my mind we are sitting on the beach again
watching the sunset and you tell me I am beautiful
it was the best date, you said
maybe you’re right, Anne
you were right, and I hate that
But you said
You told me since the beginning you loved me, and that if anything happened you would take me back. But the moment I say I would rather be friends while I finish school, its are you happy with what you've chosen, you did this. But in all reality I didn't choose this you forced it upon me, had I not done this I would have never seen the real you, You wouldn't communicate what you felt you always said it wouldn't change anything, even if it didn't you should have talked you couldn't even tell me when you had a headache instead you decided it was best to insult me about me saying I can’t trust on a certain subject.
You said "You have trust issues, Goodnight. Love you.
You know why I told you the very first week that I need reassurance I even said to tell me your problems because I would be there 24/7 and you couldn't do that for me. I told you I needed you, I needed you to tell me everything would be ok and that you loved me all you could say is "you'll be fine Idk what to say tbh."
We called one night the only time you ever talked to me and I gave you all the advice in the world telling you I would be there and if you needed anything.
All I got were these three phrases every time "dam that sucks" "you'll be fine" and "yes".
You were angry I understand that but it wasn't my fault you couldn't even give me time I asked for time and all you did was blame me for everything and tell me how I'll never find anyone better but you possibly could.
The thing is I can find better someone who validates my emotions, reassures me, is their for me when I really need them, and most of all communicate with me. I mean I wrote you a whole story for how long it was and I even apologized for how long it was and said I shortened it as much as possible and instead of telling me its ok this is nice, you said dam thats all you could shorten it and I said i was sorry and you said yeah thats short with a laughing emoji I felt heartbroken. I had stayed up till 6am even though we had a fight the night before I made you There will always be better then me but there will always be better then you and better then someone else and so on.
Because in all reality I haven't found my other half or soulmate just like so many others.
What's really bothering me?
Why can't I shed fast enough. When do happy moments sparkle fulfillment again. Will today's energy sap short on best laid plans or what. You pick.
I live bothered.
Weakly, barely caring enough to bother.
But if any familiar emotions fail to surface or float myself through scenarios once deemed happy or mad, then this prevailing annoyance others call depression is "bothered."
Old beliefs nag away, these mental vagabond runts, when dogged pursuits just fail to raise the bar.
I want more.
I choose more.
I see Community choose other paths incongruent to my efforts.
Another unrealized goal.
Everyone, soooo sloooow to do things together; I can barely see myself as part of the whole.
This bothers me.