This little piggy had a fetish.

This little piggy couldn't quit.

This little piggy used a baste,

And this one saw when pigs fly.

***

I like my crow with relish.

I use a lot of it.

To rid the bitter aftertaste

Of humble pie.

I let my foot embellish.

Every last toe of it.

To stop the tell-all two-face

When the gaffes of piggies apply.

I take it all back to burnish

Every little bit,

But tasty mouthfuls said in haste

Sour dyspeptic to re-imbibe.

most people would say

it doesn‘t qualify as condiment

those ketchup and mustard

purists will say anything

to pull you to their plain

Jane side

nothing bastes the flesh of pork

or beef quite like barbecue

its warm sugary goodness

thick as the thigh

of a good woman, something

to hold like the bone

of a chop, gnawing the tender

meat, ravenous for flesh

there is something carnal about it

something you say in whispers

sauce, dripping from your chin

When I was studying abroad during college, I spent a year in Bordeaux, France, where I lived with a lovely family: mother, father, brother, sister, and a cat named Apricot. The mother, a former translator who spoke better English than most Americans, was also a fabulous cook; my first meal there was so good that I fought off the heavy fatigue of jet lag, as they cracked wise, offering me a toothpick, then explaining that it was to prop up my eyelids. Being less of a stereotype, she taught both her children to cook. Her daughter, Ariane, who ended up being one of my closest friends, took after her mother in this regard; cats don't make dogs, after all. Arnaud, the history buff who spoke German, English, and French, took after his father in this area, save for his mayonnaise.

It was an opus for your taste buds.

Even his mother and sister stood aside, perhaps a little jealously, perhaps a little reluctantly, but always very gratefully, to let him make it. And make it he did while they stood by, like two race car drivers watching a kid speed around the racetrack on his Big Wheel at 180mph, all the while thinking: but we trained him!

How he turned raw egg yolks, olive oil, white wine vinegar, Dijon mustard, and table salt into a condiment worthy of everything from ambrosia to tacos shall also remain a mystery. After a lifetime as the Dellu family's reigning Mayonnaise King, Arnaud succumbed to cancer on the 22nd of November, 2021, and the secret, one of many, died with him.

Ave atque vale, frater.

Mayonnaise or also loving known as Mayo is the absolute best condiment hands down or at least it is in the south. A thick cold creamy sauce commonly used on sandwiches, hamburgers, and in composed salads also in some parts of the world a dip for fries. Mayo is also used in some tartar sauces, fry sauce, remoulade, salsa golf, ranch dressing, and rouille.

Mayonnaise is an emulsion of oil, egg yolk, and an acid, either vinegar or lemon juice; there are many variants using additional flavorings. The color varies from near-white to pale yellow, and its texture is from a light cream to a thick gel.

Commercial eggless imitations are made for those who avoid chicken eggs because of egg allergies, to limit dietary cholesterol, or because they are vegans.

As any decent Southerner, I prefer the Blue Plate brand of Mayo, especially the olive oil base emulsion. Anything else is just salad dressing and just doesn't compare. And I'm not talking about a small little dab or a thin little layer, there's nothing worse than a dry sandwich or burger. I always ask for extra when I get a sandwich at my local Subway. So definitely a lot but not so much that it's leaking out of the sides.

Blue Plate Mayonnaise was New Orleans Born

Originally produced in a little warehouse in Gretna, Louisiana, across the Mississippi River from New Orleans, Blue Plate was one of the first commercially prepared mayonnaise brands in the country. In 1941, Blue Plate expanded to a new (and at the time) ultra-modern factory building in New Orleans’ Mid-City neighborhood. This iconic Art Deco building is now on the National Register of Historic Places.

For decades, Blue Plate has been a beloved local staple in New Orleans and beyond. Now its legend continues to spread, bringing out the best flavor in all kinds of foods, in homes and restaurants across America.

So yes, Mayonnaise the emulsion is my condiment and not only my favorite but the king of condiments, and if you do some research you'll find here in the south we consume a lot of it but we aren't the highest consumers of Mayo, surprisingly that honor goes to Russia.

Now I like mayo as much as anybody.

Hence, it came as no real surprise, that in my abode I found 3 solid jars.

No, what struck me as off was that I was completely, I mean completely out of salsa, mustard, horseradish, relish, and hot sauce.

No andalouse, no remoulade, no aioli, no tartar, no rouille... sigh.

What to do? Like I said I really like mayo sandwiches...

I guess it will be mayo on mayo on mayo again this time.

07.14.2023

a Little? or a Lot? sauce challenge @Last

I'm a ketchup person.

Now I don't eat it on anything too crazy.

Mainly chicken and the many forms of potato one can have.

Simply Heinz is the winner for me.

I hope all of you ranch, relish, mustard, and mayo fans don't at me.

I don't like any of those condiments you see, so "secret sauce" is a no for me.

I'll have barbecue sauce, but it's not as versatile.

Creamy is a revolting texture for me. You see I don't want a fuss

But for me, good ketchup is a must

And no I don't want any of that Hunt's stuff.

Ranch.

but here’s the thing.

there are sooooo many types of ranch.

for example.

Outback ranch and Texas Roadhouse ranch are far superior to any ranch you can acquire at a fast food restaurant. AND are impeccable and fries and burgers and baked potatoes alike.

Bottled ranches are not all created equal and should be judged as such when slumming around in the fridge.

Homemade ranches can sometimes be impeccable or complete trash.

Not to mention it’s been powdered for dip purposes. Thank you Hidden Valley.

This isn't just the mix of ketchup and mayonnaise.

It is exactly 1/3 mayo and 2/3 of ketchup

the perfect shade of blush pink

It is eaten with everything-french fries, meatloaf, fish, chicken

It is 3 year old me going to a restaurant and asking for sauce but being disappointed when they don't bring out pink sauce

It is my baby sister going to the bathroom on a train and seeing an "SOS" button

carefully sounding it out

and reporting back that there is a sauce button in the bathroom.

This is the sauce that makes everything better with the color pink and fish sticks