Moving On With Life
It will come as no surprise that I agree with our friend Arthur Schopenhauer: "Love is just the instinct of Sex." And just what does that mean?
Firstly, Schopenhauer argues in the Metaphysics of Love that love is NOT an illusion--though perhaps it might be perceived as "ghost." It is a Truth existing because people have made it so throughout history. (Same as God exists a priori because we know the term.) I agree.
Second, he considers Love as fundamentally transcendent. This is the point at which he expresses: "Every kind of Love, however ethereal it may seem, springs entirely from the instinct of sex," and it is worthwhile to quote further: "Indeed, it [Love] is absolutely this instinct, only in a more definite, specialised and perhaps strictly speaking, more individualized form." After all, we are speaking of single units, not generic categories of humanity: man/woman. And again, I agree.
Schopenhauer specifies that Love focuses on the Next. The instinct centers on, quite simply, the will to Live: individually, and as a species. He contrasts this with an interesting counterpoint: if a man and a woman dislike each other, they can only bring into the world "unhappy being" ---whether in their own existence or in that of the Next. I disagree...
Here, I pause to reflect personally. Confusion and self-deception led my parents to each other; contempt within themselves drove them apart; and my father concluded that he had to suffer my mother, to have me in his life-- driving home the point that we do not know what is Next, we are merely compelled towards it. Our instinct may seem faulty, but the Universe is never wrong. The future merely IS, and we are in no position to agree or disagree. (*Arthur should know better as he published The Metaphysics of Love in 1851, and before in 1841 his Essay on the Freedom of Will.)
Which leads us finally to the metaphysical part of Love... that the instinct of the sexes need not result in anything physical, but rather an idea, and even better an Ideal. For that the noble hearted will expend considerable self-sacrifice... For personal honor.
(*Poor Arthur though is dire in his final condemnation of Love, noting that the stealthy "glances of longing" belie an underlying knowledge that lovers are "striving to perpetuate all this misery and turmoil [of Existence] that would otherwise come to a timely end." Mentally as much as Physically. )
Moving on to the rest of this challenge question: I've never cheated on anyone, nor been cheated on... That is in my case an impossibility, intellectually, as I begin with an understanding of our detachment physically from this reality. We belong to the Earth, which will bury us as we are, and what more positive sentiment we might cultivate in the mean time benefits the world as a whole, now and later. Some people couple easily, corporeality being no barrier in action. Would I be upset if my partner slept around? Yes and No. I would see it as a failing of Character; not as a personal offense. For myself, casual sex is an abhorrent waste, not worth the risk of what might be "leftover." My own sense of integrity, i.e. personal attachment, is too strong when it comes to commitment of the Soul, which I do believe carries on (as a worthy Next). I feel no need to "get over" my emotional attachments, nor do I try to-- I see these as forever imprinted on Universal memory. And I do think that's pretty sexy.
Let’s get genuine
I think the best way to move on from a person is to be truthful. And I mean really, deeply truthful. About everything. And accepting of every feeling and thought that comes with it. Listen to the opinions of the very depth of you because your heart will never lie to you. Let this be your guide. Let it burn and soothe you.
I haven't cared about too many people in my life, although I feel inclined to disagree even as I say this. I guess I'm talking about the kind of care that pushes me to actually want a conversation with them, to remember their birthdays, make them playlists and fantasise about being with them forever and other such sappy shit. Those feelings are different for every person but hey, whether platonic or romantic or somewhere in between, this stuff just sort of... Happens. If we could control it better, we'd choose people who were absolutely perfect, control things to the very limit so we know all will be well. At least, that's what I do.
But I've found that at the end of the day, we're all human. We don't know a goddamn thing about a goddamn thing. We pretend we do. Or we look to society and tell ourselves that they must surely have the answer. But no one has a full idea of what they're doing, that's how it was always meant to be.
So when you meet someone. And you give them your heart and for whatever reason, you receive it back in itty little pieces... Allow yourself to grieve what you thought would be your "it". Your special "we'll be together forever and everything will be okay" type of "it" that many of us dream of. Then... Get honest.
And I mean really, dirty-down honest. All those things about them that you never wanted to face because you loved them so much that it didn't matter. That's what the unconditional part of true love means, right? Having conditions is healthy, by the way or we'd all be getting married within weeks of knowing each other or blindly choosing the abusive, red flag sort. We want to truly know the person. And you want them to know you. But things will never be as lovely as they seemed, looking back. And that's what will help you move on.
Accepting that there was good and there was bad. Looking at it genuinely, no judgement. Listening to your own emotions, honouring your feelings. If you want to stop searching for a partner for a while, go ahead. If you want to cut your hair for the fun of it or cry or write a silly song or poem about them or dance out your anger with rock music, be my guest. Just make sure to listen to how your soul feels. The pain will lessen with time. That's one of the few good things time brings with it. Nothing stays the same which sucks for the nicer stuff but is really, really great news when it comes to the shitty parts.
Take some deep breaths. Take some you time. No one knows you better than you do. No one can comfort you or help you heal better, not the greatest Zen masters or psychologists in the world. As a quote by some dude named Robert Tew goes; "trust yourself. You've survived a lot and you'll survive whatever's coming". We all will. Just gotta... Believe it's true, I suppose.
And that's a wrap! Mind you I've never actually been in a relationship myself, don't know if that's surprising or not to each reader but I've gone through "breakups" of my own. The heartwrenching kind that feel too romantic to be platonic and vice versa. That's where the word alterous comes in, I can't think of a better way to describe it for the life of me.
Focus on yourself. You live in your head and everyone else lives in theirs. What goes on in there matters. You matter. You're the most important person you'll ever have in your life because you are gonna be tied to you forever. You will never know anyone more and no one could ever know you more, that make sense? Just gotta give yourself the space to feel it all out... Maybe some day, some piece of this maddening existence will make sense. Maybe some day.
The Five Steps of a Healing From a Teenager-
Step One: The Breakup-
Stay cool. Tears are okay, you're allowed to feel feelings. Just don't lose your temper, it may be just as hard for them as well. If not, a level-minded attitude can come in handy, they may be trying to get a rise out of you.
Step Two: The Reasons-
We all make mistakes, and we must learn from them. They may have lame excuses, dumb reasons, or no sign of wanting to dump you until they did... You just have to think back a bit, think of what you could have done better and what they could have done better. If one outweighs the other, that person might be the cause for the breakup. Just don't be too hard on yourself or analyze too much.
Step Three: Try something you like-
Bury yourself into your hobbies; hang out with friends. Find an activity to distract yourself. (For example, I tried Mixed Martial Arts and loved it)
Step Four: Talk to Someone-
Sharing your feelings can be beneficial. Starting with a clean slate can ease your mind.
Step Five: Develop Your Attitude-
Make a list of how you want to be. From there start making small changes- It could be reminding yourself of your goals, or fixing your posture. A positive mindset can help as well. Remember that you deserve to be seen and heard. As one of my former coaches once said "You are allowed to take up space.".
First, give it time. Be patient with yourself. Believe that one day, the thought of them won't make you feel hurt, angry, or alone.
Give it time.
Loss is a natural part of gain. Knowing this doesn't always help when you lose someone. Whether its death or just the end of your relationship with them, you've lost someone, and you are permitted to grieve in whatever way you need.
Be patient with yourself.
The best way I've found to take the next step into a life without them, is to find a part of yourself that didn't belong to that relationship. A part that was just you. A part that you like. Hold on to it and cherish it, or find something new that doesn't remind you of them. You don't have to be good at it, but it should be good for you. Don't start drinking heavily or smoking or sleeping around... Unless you already were.
It helps to have a friend or two around, but talking about it becomes counter productive rather quickly. Don't overdo it.
Believe that one day, the thought of them won't make you feel hurt, angry, or alone.
I would advise against acting on volatile emotions until then. Unless you are the kind of person who enjoys hurting people, you would probably regret it. And acting against your nature is not the way to reclaim your independence or your identity. Put those feelings into a creative outlet -- write, draw, or just sweat them out.
This is my recipe for recovery:
- Give it time.
- Be patient with yourself.
- And believe that you will recover.
Whatever that means for you, I wish you luck.
You let it happen. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions flow through you and run their course and by the end of it, you'll feel lighter. Own your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions, learn from them so you don't make the same mistakes in your next relationships. But also acknowledge that relationships are hard and messy and sometimes things happen that are completely out of your control and it's okay. Be kind to yourself, be gentle and patient and maybe indulge in a pint of ice cream or two.
Get Over It!
Look, you can’t make someone love you no matter how hard you try and who wants someone they forced into love or worse a cheater?
The best way to get over someone is to realize if it was meant to be you would be together, but you’re not, so that means something better is coming for you.
Does that make your heart hurt less? No because you have attachment, so let it go. Easy to say but look to the future, brighter days are coming.
Just fill the time
You already said it, It's just out of order. You move on with your life, and the getting over someone part comes later.
It's frustrating to try to force it to heal faster than it's going to and I encourage you not to rush into something faster than you should. I've been on the receiving end of that. It's not fun dating someone that's mentally dating their ex.
When the tears stop the hurt will still be there, but I'd invite you to rediscover who you were when you were single or if it's been some time. Find out who you are as an individual. Are you into the working out, writing, gaming, sports, partying, etc? You've got nothing, but time now. Fill it with something.
Voids are supposed to be filled.
Give yourself time, but make sure you're filling that time with things you enjoy. There's no deadline for your next relationship.
Getting over them
If you've been left by the one you thought you loved or thought loved you, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself, burn the shirts they left, destroy that teddy bear, delete those pictures. Make a list of all the reasons you hate them, all they did wrong. Block that number, better yet delete it. Call some friends up and be reckless let out all that stress and pain into a craft, or a drunk karaoke song.