I try to forgive. I try harder than I've ever tried, but my horrid twisted tiny heart stretches and groans with the attempt. I can conceal the past and speak like I am your daughter and not a shell of a woman with a heart glued together again and again from the scars of your words, but inwardly I hate myself for the deceit. I've always been good at hiding my feelings, so that you will never know my true thoughts as I smile and speak with the respect you earn as my mother. Maybe it is because I don't want to be like you, and the only way I can avoid the raging and the outbreaks of anger is by turning off all my emotions. You call me insensitive, but I am doing it so that I don't hurt anybody. I won't let them take control of me like you do. I would rather disperse them to the wind than let one boil up and explode against people I love, and even people I must try to love—like you.

Sometimes I think I have forgiven you, and then I applaud myself for finally having gotten over years of hurt. And then something happens—it's the little things, now, that's how bad it's gotten—and I tense and I remember and it hurts again. But I keep smiling and I keep answering you with the respect a daughter must give to her mother, and I don't let you know, because if I did it would open a cavern of anguish and pain and resentment. I would rather forget than remember. And that is why I must forgive, and keep on forgiving. And maybe someday I will be free of it enough to reply with truth that I love you back when you say you love me.

The last person I had spoken to

Wasn't anyone new

They're usually the start of my day

And stick by me to the end of way

To be within it's presence is something divine

Even if it's constantly called away, I'd say it's fine

How it's smile brightens up a room

How it's mysterious pronoun leaves nothing to presume

If it were a him, her, or they

I would care not anyway

For those eyes shall be the same

And when with it, I bear no shame

Without it's presence, my day would not be complete

For this routine is something sweet

Our husband would also agree

That it's a pretty sight to see

Forever we shall shower it with utmost love and support

With our trio of rings, we shall one day disappear from a port

In the ripples there shall be roses afloat

In curious patterns to symbolize it's to it we devote

Even if marriage was not my taste

I know it's something it wouldn't want to waste

Only for it shall I confine myself with such excessive ceremonies

Only to see a smile as sweet as every of honeys

Even if this pattern continues day by day

I would never get bored, I would never run away

I await the beginnings of my day as much as I do the end

Just so I could hear that sweet voice that you carefully send

Even if there continues to be obstacles to why it cant be

we all insist we'll eventually see

That day where it's just us three

Them, it, and me

The start of our day

And stick by each other till we wither away

You held my hand

You kissed my face

You pulled me in to your warm embrace

You met my mom

You met my dad

You became somebody that I've never had

You picked me up

You are my home

I'm now someone I've never known

You are my love

You said you care

You let me go

Life is not fair

Lightning and blue. Comforting blue. Molasses and honey, extra sweet.

I may attempt, but I can never define you.

My sight has been transformed since our first encounter.

Rose tinted thoughts clouded my mind since our first hug.

Mesmerizing are you who showers me of affection.

The kind a girl can only dream about.

Mesmerizing are you my love.

Until we meet again,

Trinity

I talked with you.

for hours.

into the wee morning.

I broke my oboundaries

for you.

like I always do.

work was a hot mess. Much like me, suffering from lack of sleep.

and honestly. Life is so fleeting.

I would do it all again.

I would never trade the time invested in you for anything.

you mean that much to me.

I love you.

I don't know how to say it

I watched the ashes scatter

but i still refuse to believe

it can't be true

I can't have lost you

There was already

Don,

Jon,

and Dale,

I don't want to add to the list

but i suppose that its

impossible not to

all the ones i knew

and all the ones i'm yet to meet

their just a goodbye waiting to happen

death is reaper

whom shows no mercy

who cares for age nor happiness

so i suppose this is goodbye

you broke your promise

i hope you know

that hurts the worst

Lovers made you into cotton candy clouds and strawberry sunsets. Craving indulgence in the sinful syrup that drips from your thighs but do they know that the nectar they dream of is the venom that’s polluted the minds of adulterine lovers?

You lure them away with promises of juicy twilight and honeysuckle haze.

You laugh for the encore as they fall to their knees, begging for devotion. This is what you want to be, flower? No, sweet flower, that's not you, and people like him saw that. He saw that underneath the compulsive lies was a prize.

He saw that beneath your ruin was Eden, and greed could not consume him the way it consumed the rest. He did not beg for you... he studied you. He watched the way you thrived and built you a greenhouse to keep you alive, Flower.

Who’s gone the distance to love you so dearly? Was it the woman who suffocated you? Or was it the man that lied to you? It must've been the woman who broke you.

But wait

It wasn’t

Abandon them, flower, for each of them carries their own poison, each bringing you closer to a lonelier death than the last.

Live in the greenhouse, sweet flower, for here you are transcendent.

They have such an interesting mind.

We've been having these little debates over the past... Forever.

About little things.

Meaningless things in the grand scheme of things, in the face of time, in the face of the existence of Death.

But they mean something to us so on we go.

It's a dance, one I'm tired of.

But what can I do?

I'm... Too attached to leave, you could say.

Even if I find so many of our conversations pointless.

It's not all bad.

They're smarter than they think.

They tell me about how silly everything is.

How silly it is to have these arguments at all when we'll both be dead, finally dead, who knows when.

I tell them it won't be over till it's over..

We both laugh sadly because it's true.

And then we stay together anyway.

I like spending time with them, sometimes.

I used to hate their guts.

I used to rip them apart and get the very same and wonder why we hadn't quite killed each other, yet.

Then we realised the only person suffering all that abuse was... Us.

And we slowly, surely decided it wasn't worth the fight.

We have so many more things to be tired and scared of.

I'd rather not have to face myself in battle on such a consistent basis.

Now, they're holding up their end of the bargain the best they can and it's working out great.

But we're still... So... Tired.

They're still not sure it was a good idea not to kill me and I can't say for certain I have no regrets in not doing them the same kindness.

But here we are.

And as much as I hate our fights, the lies, the vicious things we've learnt from a society that serves absolutely nobody; I love their stupid, kind guts.

I love how hard they try to make it work between us.

I love the gentle touches and the little head pats and the nose boops.

I love that I don't feel like such a worthless, insignificant thing in their eyes anymore.

I exist.

I get to take up more space now.

Not enough, not as much as I should but... More.

It's been a rough journey.

But I'm still on the road regardless, we both are and I suppose that's what matters.

Cos in the end, after all the lies and pretence and desperation to be good enough for people who didn't even know we needed saving,

It's gonna be me and them taking that last breath together.

On our lonesome.

As it's always been.

They're not the worst person to fade away beside, the silly confusions have been half the fun :)

Evan,

Yes!! Evan was his name,

I once thought I was quite lame

until I met him.

December 2019,

That’s the month he blocked me to be with her,

That’s the month everything became a blur,

That’s the month I discovered what real heartbreak feels like,

Despite the fact that he left me with a month's worth of additional words to say,

That was also the happiest month of my life.

The issue is,

Love for him was a gamble,

His demons would sometimes break my ankles,

I occasionally found myself getting choked by his demons,

But until he left, I was unaware of how narcissistic he was.

I used to think he was the one,

You know my real love.

For the first time in my life, I felt what it feels like to be loved with him.

But his demons would always force me to go the the gym,

Insinuating I wasn’t slim like them,

Insinuating I had to be perfect like them,

Insinuating I didn’t deserved to be loved by them.

Although some happy days he would bring me swimming,

I would suddenly find myself drowned by his demons,

They would ask me why I always woke them up.

Still, I never imagined I would be left heartbroken,

Yet I always heard about his achievements as a heartbreaker,

But I wanted to think I was also the one for him,

You know, the one in a million,

Those fairytales.

Because although his demons liked raping games,

I wanted to imagine what it would be like to find a young and healthy love.

For years I believed he was that lifetime treasure,

The one for me,

The love of my life,

But his demons would surprisingly wound me with a knife,

They would ask me to be their wife,

And later on threaten me with a rifle.

That month,

I found myself lucky.

I realized he wasn’t the one for me,

He wasn’t my real love,

He betrayed my faith in him,

Betrayed my trust in him,

And that left me heartbroken,

Completely broken.

For years I was his clown,

For years he wanted me to believe he was cool,

But I’m reality he was just a beautiful poison,

My beautiful poison.