How to be a Guitarist
1.) Be attractive.
2.)Learn only one song, preferably Wonder Wall.
3.) Bring your guitar everywhere. This includes but is not limited to bonfires, house parties, baby christenings, etc... but under no circumstances, ask permission to play. A guitarist performs no matter how the audience feels.
4.) Always bring it up in conversation that you play guitar, like a person who brags they go to Yale or Julliard.
5.) Live off your parents or a significant other, because you are pursuing your music career and cannot work another job.
5.) Have your whole persona be guitar related. Your room should be covered in guitar paraphernalia, specifically that one poster that has guitar chords on it.
6.) Wear a guitar pick on your person, this will show that you play guitar to the world.
7.) Dress like a hipster.
8.) Exclusively hang out in local coffee shops.
9.) Preform at open mic nights and think you will get your big break.
10.) Think you're hot shit.
And that friends, is how to be a guitarist!
How to Breathe
Alright, guys! Today you will follow a step-by-step tutorial on how to breathe! (Yes, around 86.2% of the world population does not know this very important skill. Isn't that sad?)
To start, you must be in a place with air (this may be hard so take your time).
Once you are done with the first step, grab a chair and sit down.
The second step will be hard, so brace yourselves. Open up your nostrils really wide to allow air to go through. Then expand your lungs, and suck up all the air through your nostrils.
The last step is to release the air. There are two ways you could do this.
1. You can sneeze.
Or 2. You can learn to exhale.
To exhale, you must push all the air out of your lungs. There are two exit points: the nose and the mouth. Just a warning, if you choose to exhale out the mouth, the outcome may be an exaggerated sigh.
So that's all! Keep this news article in your pocket in case you forget how to breathe (who knows, I may have just saved your life.)
Shrimp Fried Rice In 4 Steps!
Shrimp fried rice, how hard can it be?
Step 1: Find an experienced Shrimp chef. (The best are found at the Bikini Bottom)
Step 2: Greet the Shrimp in his proper dialect. (There are many tongues of the shrimp language).
Step 3: Bow and request the Shrimp to fry the rice you have brought before him.
Step 4: If deemed worthy, the shrimp will fry your rice, and your guests will be pleased.
How to be Ignorant
waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can talk about yourself (bonus points for how boring you can make it). examples include but are not limited to: “I had a dream last night about that actually” “You wouldn’t believe it but I overcooked broccoli!” or a fan favorite “let me show you a picture…”
go to Whole Foods. just go. watch the vegans buy 1) grains out of a barrel 2) seeds out of more barrels 3) coconut oil based cookies 4) gluten free chocolate 5) chicken broth in to-go juice boxes (can’t make it up!)
watch the news. correction: watch Fox News. someone claims 9/11 was fabricated and believe it! someone blames the liberals for poverty, believe them! some country is stealing our jobs (hint: they speak Spanish) believe it!
this was really fun, thanks for the challenge :)
How to be a professional denialist in ten easy steps
from the dawn of civilization, arguments arose between individuals and groups of people. people essentially contentious, with brief moments of agreement. in the golden age of Greece, polemicist, and sophists practiced honing their skills of arguing pointlessly to their amusement. they professed no allegiance to a greater underlying truth, to hinder their flexibly weilded logic. those days of carefree bickering were replaced with more rigorous demands, as arguments were now required to conform to an established philosophy (for those who chose to be mind-fuckers) and the code of law (for those who wanted to be lawyers and statsmen) . a dark time followed, where much that could be said in denial was pronounced as illegitimate or erroneous or batshit. fortunately modern history proved that with all the kings horses and all the kings men, we can put philosophy together again.
that's right, we kive in a wonderfully ambiguous time, where what is right is maybe right and what is wrong is always wrong.
which is where YOU can step in and make mucho Dinerro!!!!
you see, while there is still work for people who manipilate rational arguments in public, there is MORE money to be found in undermining rationality, established knowledge and conventions. you don't need to be a scientist, or a doctor, you just do your crazy, noisy bit and deny whatever it is that the client is paying you!
so how to get started:
1)practice denying stuff. it's fun an envigorating! try denying earthquakes, try denying traffic jams. its easy to do. JUST SAY 'NUH UHH'!! let's practice: was there a big, disastrous earthquake???
that's right! 'nuh uhh' . see? you fucking did it!!!
2) we have an alternative form of expression for denying things: it didn't OR it Wasn't.
practice denying stuff with the new denial phrase. it's easy, isn't it? don't worry about long form, stick to contractions!!!
3) find a contentious topic, say the question of taxing the rich. think quickly, which side is likely to pay you? Cui Bono? take the time and bring your enthusiasm for getting paid to those that will pay you. sure, they will look down at you from their silken, cushioned seat among the clouds, and they might throw more money at you just so you don't come close enough, or to make sure you wash your hands after going potty, but more is better.
once you made your willingness to support whatever they need you to support, get to work. be noisy and abnoxious, just keep denying stuff. make sure they pay upfront. tangible results of denial are hard to prove.
4) keep a record of all interactions you have with everybody, particularly your newly found employers. years later, you'll be able to turn this incriminating, conspirational or damming correspondence to avoid prosecution. remember:being state's witness is not fun, and future clients will doubt your professional discretion. alternatively, you could get a ghost writer to write a memoir. NDAs may be a problem, but they are not a wall.
5) if faced with a debate , be oreemptive- this does not mean you need to prepare knowledgeable arguments and be able to bring forth obscure detsils. but you should try find out about the guy you will be arguing with. turn things aggressively by attacking their standing, morality, humanity or existence. (i.e: 'i would gladly present a rebuttal, if only the person i am debating with ever existed. ). don't worry if your words have any consequence, or are hurtful. remember that sticks and stones break bones and words may only cause mild damage to the inner ear.
4) for legal purposes, allege things. you can say all kinds of things, and avoid prosecution, if you phrase it as a hypothetical question.
3) if you are found out at fault, criticized or defamed, invoke your right for free speech, religious freedom of freedom of conscience. this little tool turns any one criticizing you as a petty persecutor, or an indignant tyrant. remember, being a professional denier is about the 'suit' you are wearing: a morally superior, upright individual, whovjust wants the truth to come out. no one buys this, but no one expects waiters to advise you of the stock portfolio, yet they need to wear a suit too.
2) biggotry is a must- you must show those who will employ you that you too are morally murky. they might loath the sight of you, you racist scum (or sexist jerk) , but they surecas hell will not want some fuddy duddy liberal. (unless you already have liberal creds, which you hope to monetize on). funny enough, deep down you may find all this bigotry preposterous, but you get paid for the show.
1) do not question the numbering scheme in this article. also, do not question the typos, and any or all other mistakes. come to think of it, consider it a final test. is this article flawed in any way?
How To Make Someone Fall In Love (With You If You Want)
Do you have that person in your life you just want to drive to the brink of insanity because of you? Follow these 5 simple steps!
1. Leave Unmarked Notes On Their Items. The burning curiosity within them will have to know who is leaving them such interesting letters (Put down their home address for bonus points!).
2. Buy Them Gifts. Look at their Instagram account until you see a photo from two years ago of them drinking a blue slushy. You go buy a blue slushy and put it where they'll see it (Or give it to them if stop being a coward who reads online articles!).
3. Die. Make them grieve over you. (Dress well in your casket. If your ugly make sure you leave a note to close the lid!).
4. Keep Putting 20 Dollars In Their Pockets. Who doesn't love free cash? Doesn't matter where you got it from.
5. Trap Them In a Time Loop. Reliving the same day over and over will make them so tired that they won't care if you're somewhat questionable, they'll just be glad to be out of their time loop (I should know from experience. I've rewritten this article seven times already).
How to be a Dad
Being a father can be hard sometimes and you just want to be the best dad you can be. In this article we interviewed psychologists who specialize in parenting (buy your latest copy of how to be a good dad even though you're a bad person right here) to give you five tips on how to be the best dad in town.
1. Upgrade your closet.
This one is unexpected but it is the first step into becoming a dad. Dressing the part. Psychologist Father Fatherington suggests that how we present is important to how we show up in the world "Dressing like a dad could give you the confidence to unleash your inner dad". So think dad jeans, polo shirts, tennis shoes ( shop your dad wardrobe right here) anything comfortable, outdated with a dull colour palette is sure to work!
2. Work on your body
Dad bods are in and they are all the rave. What is a dad bod? Simply put, it is a body shape associated with middle aged men with family vans, who attend recitals and their kids baseball games making sure to be late to all of them. A key feature to this body type is a gut disproportionate to the rest of your body. Say bye bye to abs and hello to the dad bod!
3. Stay away from shopping.
Some people enjoy shopping others don't, especially dads. "Dads don't shop because they do not see the need for it or simply the time it takes to shop with the wife takes too long" says Daddy Dad, lead psychiatrist at the Male Parent institute. Rather than helping your wife do the grocery shopping, sit in the car and complain to yourself instead!
4. You are always right
Dads need to possess a certain level of delusion to master the role. That means you are always right about everything. In fact you know everything and anything there is to know about politics, science, health, art. You can never lose an argument and never will have to admit you're wrong because you are always right!
5. Never help around the house
Dads are always busy at work, at the sports bar or on the couch. Looking after your kids is not your responsibility, in fact you should get paid to babysit. Your wife seems tired after a long day at work? That is not your problem, you are tired too, in fact you deserve a steaming home cooked meal. Wash dishes? You don't touch a thing. Let the kids clean it up!
Those were the five steps to becoming a dad. Let us know what you think and share with us your experiences with fatherhood. Share this with all the dads or soon to be dads in your life!