"you were in love with me?"
it was cold sitting outside the cafe instead of inside but it seemed to keep me present. i had had my suspicions about his side of our friendship, but i wasn't expecting it to be the reason for our sudden reconnection.
he sipped his latte and let the cup linger against his lips.
"you never said anything."
he looked at me for the first time since he'd admitted he never just wanted to be friends.
"i was scared. you were my best friend, i couldn't risk us."
he smiled. it didn't look forced, but it wasn't happy. he looked sad, almost sorry for me. i shifted uncomfortably and he moved his left hand, which reminded me of the ring.
he's not mine anymore. not my best friend who i loved for loving me.
"i should go."
he stood up and hung his jacket over his arm.
"come to the wedding."
he smiled again and i tried to return it.
i stayed sitting there until my drink had turned cold and pigeons started to feel comfortable to come closer.
was i in love with him?
i was crushed when i heard he was getting married. maybe that meant i was jealous of his partner.
i didn't love him though. not really. i loved that he loved me.
i sat in the guilt of realising my own selfishness. i felt like crying, but it wouldn't happen and i chided myself when the waiter came out and i quietly hoped they thought i was pretty.
i left and tried to decide if i would go to the wedding.
i missed him.
What I imagine were some of the thoughts they might have had throughout our... Relationship:
Ooh, she seems kind of funny, it would be cool if we were friends!
She listened back we're going to talk now I'm so happy I've made a new friend here!
We've been friends for some months now, she's so sweet, I love how she really listens and looks out for me like this!
How is she so kind to me? I don't deserve it (you deserve the world dummy) but thank you!?
Okay, okay, I asked her to be my platonic wife and she said yes! We're making a whole wedding board on Pinterest, there's butterflies and pretty lights and boots and I'm so happyyyyy
She made me a playlist for my birthday and sent me something, I'm crying no one could possibly have this many nicknames for another person I love her so much I wish she lived close I'd love to just hug her for hours and hours :(
She's been so supportive about me and my ex, I wish I knew why she was so nice to me I really don't deserve it (yes, yes you do)
It's been a bit weird... I wonder why heh
Oh. Wow. How? Since when? I guess I should have known. Those songs on that playlist... Some of them were... But I figured she just meant it in a friend way. I know she loves me, she always says she does I just didn't know she meant that she...
I just wanted a friend, relationships are so awful why did she have to feel this way?
Did I flirt too much? This is all my fault why can't I feel the same way?
I just want us to stay friends, I just want everything to go back the way it was
It's been a bit weird but she's been really nice about the guy and girl I like (why did you have to crush on everyone else but me) so maybe everything will be okay! I've been losing people... I can't lose anymore
I didn't end up dating them long.. Then she told me she liked me again... I wish I could like her back. If I could just make myself like her we could be so happy together... She likes me so much, am I crazy for not feeling anything for her romantically? Why do I only fall for shitty people? Why am I like this?
(I wish I knew too..)
She left me. I needed her. I needed her so much but she left me. Everyone is leaving and I can't make them stop. I thought she and I would be together forever. She said she'd come to America some day, years from now. She said she would be my first kiss. She said she'd be there and whisk me off into the sunset and that we'd live together. We could have been so happy... Why did it have to go so wrong? Why couldn't I have loved her too?
She's back again... I can't be bothered to pretend that everything is fine, anymore. Things can't go back to how they were. She left me and I know it's selfish of me to have wanted her to stay when she says she needed to get over her crush but... I don't care anymore. We could have still been friends. We could have gone without the platonic divorce. I needed you, how could you do this? How could you leave me, then come back, begging for forgiveness and think for a second that I could be with someone who betrayed me so badly?
This is it. She's leaving again. She says that I was good to her. She says we tried but she can tell it isn't there anymore. What we had isn't there. Where did it go? What happened to our forever?
I contacted her to ask about my best friend. I don't really think about things now but I messed up my friendship with him and I wanted to know how he's feeling since he blocked me (I... did you even care about me at all, then, old friend?)
She said happy birthday to me. We haven't spoke to each other in nearly a year now. She... Remembered. I won't remember hers or at the very least, I'll pretend I won't. She's alone. I'm alone. I'll ignore her attempts make conversation with my little one liners. She told me it's not my fault, that most of the blame is on her for leaving in the first place. I wish I could believe that. (I wish you could too. Whether it was true or not, M, I never want you to blame yourself or to be unhappy or-) Leave me alone leave me alone you hurt me and I want to stay moved on from you, now.
(Did you ever care about me at all did you ever care about me at all did you ever care you might not have loved me like I you but did I ever matter? Lobster sunflower little mouse angel angel fish baby baby girl love doll honey mine MJ MJ MJ)
The Voice That Kills Love
My heart stopped. My mouth turned drier than the pavement on the day of a heatwave.
His eyes bore into mine with unwavering intensity, but he doesn't speak. The distant sound of people taking cover from the blazing sun was the only thing I could hear.
“Our relationship meant a lot to me.” He winced, whether due to Mother Nature’s blinding rays of light, or as a ploy to find time to articulate what he would say next- I didn’t know.
“When it ended between us, I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed; I really saw a future with you.”
I shifted my weight onto my right foot as I stood speechless, taking every word he said in. Twisting it around my tongue as if I were saying the same thing.
Only self-aware enough to know I probably looked strange poking my tongue around my mouth, I sucked in my lips and caught pink flesh between my teeth.
“But I’ve got to say- you’re not the easiest woman to deal with.”
Sensation sparked deep within me as I screwed up my fists as I folded my arms like a bratty child.
“You can be-”.
“What?” The words flew out and once I started, it was too late. “Difficult, stubborn- not pretty enough? Is that it? Because if that’s what you were going to say you’re no different to the other guys I’ve dated.”
He turned stiff. I’ve pissed him off. Great.
“The first two definitely do apply to you- but not the last one. You’re not pretty-”
My mouth opened to spit a rebuttal.
“-you’re beautiful. I just wished you would allow yourself to be even more so.” A short-lived tingle ran up my spine as he peered at my face for a moment before looking down, almost shy yet… disappointed? Heat raised in my cheeks and I wished he would be able to see, but caramel kissed skin will do that to me.
But I still found a problem.
“Are you just complimenting my looks?”
He sighed. “No. No I’m not. You know I’m not.”
D*mn him. F*ck him. He was, at least, that’s what I wanted to believe. It’s what that stupid, scared and undeniably guilty voice in my head told me. Sore knots started to form in my throat as the sun fried my brain, and I almost struggled to get the words out, but I did:
“Stay away from me. I don’t want to see you again.”
Breeze that failed to cool me down from my childish musings rang through my extensions before I turned on my fraying sandals and hastened in the opposite direction. With each step I cursed myself in my head. Why did I say that? Do I really mean that? If I did I wouldn’t be thinking about it right now.
I had an idea to see him again. Right then. I’d turn my head to see if he was watching me. See if he cared.
If he really cared he would’ve called out to you.
The voice persuaded me yet again. So I kept scuttling along to the crowd. Salt water spilled in tiny streams I tried to stop, but it was pointless- I was crying. Crying because I knew. Crying because he knew.
This is why he left me to begin with.
He unlocked the door and stepped onto the rooftop, anxious of what might happen. Was she mad at him? Was she dying? What the heck was wrong? She sat on the patio chair, staring at her hands. Her beanie pulled tight over her head. The blue looked so out-of-place on her now-short hair. She looked so different. For the first time he had ever seen her, she wasn’t wearing her earbuds. She looked up as he closed the door behind him.
”Hey,” he greeted her. He was met with a thin grin. He didn’t see as she slapped the watering in her eyes away.
“How have you been?” He asked nonchalantly.
She blinked slowly, her face expressionless. “You don’t care about that.”
He was taken aback. She was never like this. Where was the rambling, uptight, smiley person he knew?
“Of course I care,” he began cautiously. “I care about you. You never responded, what happened?”
“Things just happened.” She sighed. She was strangely calm. Ordinarily, she was always jittery whenever they had a talk. She was so apathetic, he didn’t understand.
He set his teeth and clenched his fists in his pockets. “Can you tell me? You stopped talking to me without warning then out of the blue you ask me up here?”
“Why do you think I asked you up here?” She said blankly. Her tone was completely level, her legs crossed, her arms lazily draped across them.
The anger bubbled to his throat. Why was she being like this?
“What is wrong with you?” He snapped, instantly regretting it.
Her gaze never wavered, still unfazed. “I don’t know, a lot of things.”
Every shred of anger turned to guilt, then sadness. “Why are you being like this?” He put his head in is hands.
She sighed. “We should stop being friends.” She paused. “After this, I don’t want to see you again.”
He jerked his head up. She was still looking at him. For the first time, what he had mistaken for apathy was sadness and guilt, but underneath all that was an intense emptiness. She had nothing left to lose anymore.
“What?” He whispered in disbelief.
In the same tone as before, she replied, “I don't want to be friends anymore. You don’t fit in my life.”
All the energy drained from him. She wasn’t the type to suddenly do this. If she had a problem, she thought it out and planned. She obviously wanted this for a while and even if it would hurt him, he would always want what was best for her.
“Fine.” He replied. He stood up, intending to get off the rooftop as quickly as possible.
From behind him, he heard her say, “You know, you were the first crush I ever had. I still do.”
He stopped, his hand on the doorknob. He stayed silent.
She continued, her hands in her pockets to conceal the clamminess, “But I told myself I didn’t want to ruin things.”
He refused to turn around, “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because everything’s, already ruined, isn’t it?”