it's a specific ache

sleep is stealing over the sheets

i cradle a lover

i'm dizzy-heavy, all muscle melting into madrugada impending

a bird is tucked under its wing

the bugs have gentled their glow

i'm weighted eyes

i'm floating bones

i'm thanking clouds for holding out another hour

i'm almost there

my chest tightens

my throat constricts

i'm an almost dream

i'm haunted by a crying spell

i'm at the edge

my voice curdles

i hold the scream

i fail to sleep

The cart barricade shunts us

suspects past the wary checkout lord.

No one sane buys salad at midnight,

so management routes us to chips, beer,

and night-checkout man, tall and fifty.

We of the early morn file through

his glare that roves our

pockets for bulges and

rolls a teacher-poet

into the hoi polloi so that

for a time I do belong here,

for a time I am not marked

by education and station in

this low wage GED town,

my politics temporarily

indistinguishable from the camo-clad

MAGA man who also heads for beer:

comrade of twilight hours,

brother of the empty fridge.

They shelve the Bud and Keystone

an aisle apart from oatmeal stouts

and wittes. I meditate on pairings

for spinach-artichoke dip.

Nothing shouts out privilege

so much as the desire to doff it,

like a handcrafted cap.

My compatriot carries Coors

toward the self-checkout machine

that declines his card; he curses,

night check-out man scowls.

I pay and pass unobserved.

The truth is, I lack

sufficient they to feel

a bona fide we.

The truth is, I moved

to a town that will never forget

I’m from elsewhere.

The truth is, my beer

tastes delicious, and I deserve

dislocation and scorn.

sometimes I fantasize

about smoking

cigarettes

to be able to take

one long drag

and that toxicity

to my body

will set something free

but not me

maybe this feeling

is something

we’re taught to

naturally exhale

without chemicals

what am I doing here

at least I know

I probably won’t do it

sucking down the hurt

isn’t art

Momma wouldn’t approve

of a girl with dirt

in her lungs and heart

Underwater,

It's the same dream.

I am a

fish again.

I come

Gasping

For air.

the subtle static lining the air

when black clouds begin to fill the sky above

deep in dark woods

orange, brown, black

distant flames

distant voices

in minor key

purple lightning splitting the horizon

butterflies in my stomach

and the presence of something more

We're walking in the same parking lot. You are on your way into the grocery store. My eyes are on the ground. I'm looking for cigarette butts strangers threw that have something left to smoke. Your eyes shift on and off me hoping I don't ask you for anything. I try not to notice who around me is staring. I don't want to see their faces. I remove the top off the butt bucket by the entrance and sift through whats on the top. Anything too low is soggy from the rain. Or stale. There's needles, but they have caps. I grab a few butts and replace the top. I go to walk away. I hear you start to say, 'here, do you want a...'. Your wife grabs you and pulls you away. 'Don't TALK to her!' She hissed, appalled.

I peel my eyes off the ground and watch you both walk away. She's scolding you.

This moment. Is a different type of lonely.

Shame has a weight.

A different meaning to sad. Alone.

An alternate life. Parallel, but very far apart. Even though, we're walking in the same parking lot.

I don't know

I refuse to know

I didn't know a word

to describe

to explain

how it matters

how it feels

how to bear

the lungs

that was squeezed dry

by rigid shallow rain,

nothing was left

to breathe,

it pains

flowers bloomed

on my mouth,

wilted

from exposing to thin air

tasted bitter,

it's rough,

tasted crimson,

it's soiled

It burns,

my stomach

filled with cold sands

crumbles the words

I swallowed,

what remained

was

lemon

coated

sugar and salt,

somersaulted

the insides

and exiled my voice

in vomit

prickles my skin

with thorns

adorned with poison,

it was cold,

scorched in black,

engulfed me

in oblivion

my heart

my soul

fractured to dust,

the barrier

I built,

fragile and thin,

disintegrated

from the dull winds

Cover them

my eyes,

my ears,

my mouth,

so I won't know

I refuse to know

the words

it brings

to make me feel

this world

that revolves

Dive to the unknown

Climb from one feeling to another

Somewhere in between

There you'll find it!

Be careful darling

This one is big and fragile

It can destroy you

But you can't break it.

This one combines all emotions

That way can become unstoppable

Stop it until it's to late!

But be careful darling

Once it's big and fragile

Can break your heart

It can push you away from me

Dearest caramel don't go!

Let the emotion exist

If you kill it, I'll die too

The unknown doesn't scare me

But it will harm you if you touch it

So get out of there

Let my emotion come out

I need you caramel in my life too.

I need you to be there to save me

But no dearest caramel,

You are too important for that.

Leave before everything comes out.

Let me be alone cause it's coming,

Dearest caramel,

Only thing I know

Is that this emotion will eat me

I don't know how or why or what

But I know it's strong enough to eat me

So dear caramel let me say

I LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY

I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU

I'LL BE GUARDING YOU!

Bye little caramel!

It is the feeling of numbness consuming your whole body, yet tears still stream from your eyes. It is the knot that pulls tighter within your belly and a lump stuck in your throat that brings unexplainable feeling. It is feeling while not feeling at all. Its the need to speak but the desire to left alone. Its sleeping to take a break from all the thoughts that circle in your head. Yet, when you wake up, your mind seems refreshed and ready to start the roller coaster all over again. its staying up late, draining your body physically just to be too tired to feel anything. just emptiness.

When the skies are clear,

The sun bright,

Yet

It all feels like nothing,

The sunlight has no warmth,

And the flowers no smell

There’s nothing to be sad about

Yet you still are

Even when the skies are clear,

Even when the sun’s bright