I’ll eat your heart
quoting shakespeare makes me feel smart. i do it because my soul likes to hear him in my own voice. when i first met you, all i heard were his love sonnets. i got why Romeo would kill himself because of grief. if you were Juliet, never could i survive in a world without you. if you were Macbeth, then i would be your dutiful wife cleaning blood on my hands and knees. when i got to know you, other poetry came to me. shall i compare thee to a summers day? yes, i shall. you burned me just like a July afternoon, pink and in pain. have you ever regretted getting a sunburn? i find i'm fine with it when i turn tan in a week or so. that's how you were. you fried my skin and made me die then you told me i was beautiful and tanned my skin to perfection. but then you changed. or maybe i did. either way, i felt like a vengeful character. i felt like the warring households. and still, so many months after i swore not to talk to you, i have one thing left to say. it sums up how i feel, after the double suicide and the stained hands. i have one more piece of poetry for you. I would eat his heart in the marketplace.
lacuna / noun
an unfilled space, gap
She sits down and starts to talk. Letting everything out, all her joys and the sadness. It takes a lot of time before she’s done, but the words seem to bring her relief. So she continues. Telling him about things that have been stuck in her insides, rotting for years. Thoughts and problems that she has been struggling with for so long.
And as she says all that’s been needed to be said, he sits there beside her. Staring at her calmly and holding her hand. He knows how hard this is for her, so he doesn’t interrupt. Instead, sits there silently, almost not moving. Just nodding from time to time and trying to understand. There is no judgment in his eyes, no anger. Not anymore.
Regrets are set aside, bad memories put away somewhere in the cardboard boxes that will leave this home with him. Everything that stood between them is now tucked away. Replaced by the assurance that they are doing the right thing. Finally, on the right path, in a place where they were heading for some time now. A place where they should have been ages ago. But there was always something stopping them. The comfort of being together for such a long period of time, the safety of a steady relationship. A safe haven of sorts that made them stay. Because the alternative of being by themselves frightened both of them. Not for the same reason, but still, it was enough to stay.
Even if it didn’t work out between them like it used to. Even though it was all falling apart and they were heading for the rails, big time. They still held on to each other, in desperate need of balance and a strong base to stand on when everything else was crashing fast. They had issues beyond fixing, things they couldn’t beat, no matter what. Both damaged in different ways but damaged still.
She held a grudge against him for a painful loss that fitted in her hands, and yet the size of that loss was so enormous that it made her soul darker, heavier, polluted. It was hard to look at the man she loved and think about what she had to sacrifice because of him. It was something that constantly stood between them, what lay in their bed, colder than the sheets covering their bodies on a Winter’s day.
She often stared at him and felt nothing, literally nothing. She would look at him while he worked on his computer or when he read the newspaper and wonder. Tilling her head to the side and just staring. As if he wasn’t the person she had once fallen for, but a strange specimen of a man. An odd bug under the microscope. She just couldn’t understand what happened to them. What happened to her feelings and the love that seemed to outstretched its limits. But still, she stayed.
Because leaving him, would mean leaving some of the feelings she couldn’t let go of. Not yet. She didn’t want to forget about her loss, latching onto it. Afraid she might lose it in a completely different way, and that upset her. The possibility she might forget about her little treasure. As if it had never existed. As if it was never there. All of her hopes, all of the expectations. Dreams and future plans; plans that would no longer come true. And still. It was so hard to let go. So she would stay, not for him or for the forgiveness that she wanted to give him so many times, even when it felt like there was nothing left in her to give.
And now, as she looks at him, there is no more anger in her, just peaceful words that come out in a long stream. Never stopping, never-ending. She speaks, her voice already horse, and he listens. Knowing that every one of those words are needed. That this is good for her, it’s therapeutic. It lets her relax, let go of the pain. He squeezes her hand tighter, and she gives a small smile. Relief and tiredness in her taking equal space. He takes a deep breath, almost choking on relief of his own, and decides to say something before he changes his mind.
I have always loved that smile, Marley.
She stares at him almost surprised to hear his voice. There have been so many words from her and nearly none from him. But that’s okay. He understand what she had to do here. What was needed to be said. She squeezes his hand back, and the corners of her mouth lift slightly again. Something inside her that feels almost good, a strange spark that fills her up and tickles her skin. Proving that there still was some life in her left. A fire that she needed to start breathing again, always so oxygen-deprived.
It feels odd... as if I’m not doing it right.
He gives her a pained look. Sad that he was the reason for this. Sorry that they had to go through so much before understanding how wrong it was and what it had done to them. He takes a deep breath and lets her know with his eyes that it’s all going to be alright. They are going to be fine.
Just remember the sensation and repeat it every day.
She nods once and continues. Words flowing once again. So much has been said already, and yet it still wasn’t enough. He stares at her smooth face and listens calmly, thinking and counting her freckles. He always loved those; it was such a beautiful imperfection. His eyes shift slightly down to her hair as the light shines through the window. He looks at them and wonders what their little girl’s hair would have been. Would they be fair and straight like hers, or would they be brown and messy like his? He wonders at this and thinks again about the small things that made him stay in a relationship that was falling and crumbling apart in the same way that their hearts did.
Silly, meaningless things. A joint account, the furniture they had bought together, paying off a student loan, and the stack of CDs filled with music they both liked. And some of the bigger stuff, like mutual friends and memories made in the time, they were together. They were happy once and loved each other in a way that he never dreamed of might be even possible. And yet it was. Even if it seemed like some past life by now.
And then his mind turns to their families. How his mum stayed with them at the worst time. And how his dad built a swing in the backyard that was meant to be for... He is unable to finish the thought, so instead wraps his fingers tightly against hers, and she nods again. Understanding. His pain, that of her own.
Just a little longer, Sam.
He nods as well and lets go of her hand, a bit scared that he might eventually break it, all those emotions filling the room, too intense for either of them. He sits back against the couch and looks at his hands placed on his knees, listening while she talks about their past and smiles as she hopes for the future. Separate, but hopefully a happy one. Minutes pass, turning slowly into hours. The sun, setting quietly against the darkening sky, the room filling with deeper colors and the night itself. And slowly, it all comes to an end. And when she says all that there is to say, and explains all, that there was to explain, and there is nothing else to say, she finally can allow herself to breathe. They both can.
They smile at each other and get up, bodies tired, limbs stiff but minds at peace.
He pulls his arm around her, and she falls into him, naturally, no hesitation. Allowing herself to remember him for the man that he was. And remembering the girl that once couldn’t live without a boy, that one day stole her heart as she wasn’t looking. A different girl, in a different time. She smiles again, knowing now that she was still there, somewhere deep inside, underneath all the dust and rubble that came along the way.
A girl that could change the world
with a boy that made her smile.
A boy that somehow still made her smile.
Lewis Capaldi - Fade (Official Audio)
they said he had a broken heart
but it was just too full.
they screamed at him
for showing emotion
criticized him for his tears.
his heart was three sizes too large.
they said he had a broken heart
unable to fathom why
a teenage boy could
feel so much pain
if it wasn't because of a girl.
they said he had a broken heart
but society is the broken one.
he was whole, he was full,
and they tore him down for feeling.
now he has a broken heart,
but it was never because of
Do you want to know a secret?
There’s a sick twist in the pit
of my stomach when I think someone else
is thinking of you the way I do
it is a thieved coil I stole
Possessed by possessiveness,
I am eclipsed by the persuasion of your lips.
There’s a bastardized light in my eyes
when I mistake your presence for present-ness.
Who doesn’t know you like I do? But somehow
No one is different except who you say
and for years, you’ve said her.
I would love to know
What is the word for when someone didn’t know
they had the power to break or make you
into who you always wanted to be by having
what you’d always wanted? It’s not heart
break the noble wreckage recognized by the broken
hearted. It’s something quieter
when I look at you
burn for you a
quiet fire and
you can’t feel my heat.
And it’s insane that you will never know
the illness killing inside my icky sticky innards.
I love you.
Do you want.
At least you have one..
you cry, you tear,
of things that won’t come back,
that is the mind regretting,
four lobes in the hat, cerebelum,
plus additional stuff and parts,
memenots of evolved past,
most of it all not caring,
most of it too busy with function.
function comes to the heart,
effortlessly, yet it bleeds and aches.
the heart, empty , spacious,
squeezes the four chambers,
runs rings with piping,
but it has time, to mourn,
it beats in a heavy stoic adagio,
for the precession of failings,
and failures and farewells,
moved and moved again,
not broken, but hurting,
with the stream of blood,
it has time to occupy ,
in feeling and emotions,
despite the responsibility,
the urgancy of the pumping.
those that are cold blooded,
are pitiable creatures,
living with a heartbeat,
but never a moment to love.
their beat is busy and relentless,
and only functionality makes it work,
living meaningless circles,
from beat to beat,
sheilded from the danger, perhaps,
until the unbroken heart,
beats no more.
Broken Friendships lead to Broken Hearts
Have you ever found yourself in a dilemma over a friendship that has gone sour? Does it hurt you like a pain that never will subside??
I had an encounter and, it has deeply affected me to the core. A petty misunderstanding over a trivial issue leads to our discontinuation of talks.
It's been three months and, there is no sign of revival. The feeling of growing distant from a friend who was close enough hurts like hell. I have realized my value and, I chose to keep quiet if that's what the person wants. It's more of a one-sided relationship. There have been no replies to messages, no communication whatsoever. Social media is just an excuse to see each other's whereabouts, but no concern about the opposite person. I am hoping for a reconciliation soon because indications tell me that we will be together again.
I saw you every day.
You'd walk in five minutes late,
hang up your coat,
and join us in morning meeting
I always saved a chair for you,
Even if you didn't take it.
I'd sit far away from you during writing,
Sneaking peeks in the middle of phrases,
Stopping sentences to look at you.
Then you'd head off to class,
The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, different grades.
The next time I'd see you was lunch,
laughing in the sunshine
Or smiling through the winter cold.
I'd eat my lunch, silent before your glory,
Not knowing what more I could say than,
"You're fun, you're cool, you're amazing."
After lunch is more the same, until the end of the day.
The roar of the bus calls me,
And I must go.
One last time I see you, on my way out the door.
I would give you a hug,
If I dared be so bold.
Maybe even hold your hand,
Swing it back and forth like we were 6 again,
Back on the playground where we first met.
Or maybe I'd do the secret handshake we made up when we were ten,
meeting for the second time.
Or maybe even kiss your forehead,
Like you do when we're alone in your room.
But I do none of those things,
Just wave and head off,
Song: teen Love brought aching Loss
My emotions dance and swim as you search my face.
My emotions dance and swim as you search my face.
Oh - oh, . . .
Your eyes seem to bathe my very soul.
The sound of your voice soothes my tired, weary mind.
I would like to be so close to you,
beside you every moment.
But you won't let me near.
(I don't blame you, Dear.)
I love you more than ever, . . .
more than ever, . . .
more than ever . . .
I love you more than ever.
(This song I wrote decades ago. There's a haunting melodic accompaniment. Some words' syllables move up and down the scale. The word 'face' at the end of the first line was a trill. These words also moved: "ve-ry"; "Ti-red, wear-y" mind; and "ev-e-ry" moment. I was proud of my song. I sang it once at an audition. The man waited a long while before telling me it was the worst song he'd ever heard. I still cherish it, but my heartache was real. Next to it, his reaction just surprised me and stung a bit, as if my skin had been cut unwittingly.)
Revenge is not the best medicine
The end of a relationship is never easy. Most of us cry or walk about in a fog that seems like it would never end. Some of the lucky ones do this for a day or two and then kinda pull up their bootstraps and move on. I highly recommend ice cream and pizza, lots of tissues and allow yourself to feel that sadness, if you feel sad. And if you don't feel sad, hey that's normal too. You might very well been ready to move on, and the end was just a formality. I've been there too.
But on this topic, I wanted to share, that if the feeling of rage, destruction and intense hate bubbles up inside, put a pause on it. It's ok to have the feelings but before you act, stop and think. Relationships are two people. And despite us wanting to say it was all them, you know you had a part too. (Not talking about abuse situations....no one deserves abuse EVER.) It might feel good to channel your best "Before he Cheats moment" (Carrie Underwood), taking a baseball bat to their stuff is not ok. Destroying their life, by destroying them is not ok. Before someone yells back at me, that they deserve it...I'm going to ask, Do You?
Yup, Do You? You destroying their stuff, their home, or their career and reputation may feel good for a few seconds or minutes....but it doesn't last. You look crazy. You look vengeful. What you don't look is mature, an adult or healthy. Relationships can end. It's ok.
You will survive and if you take a good honest look at the relationship, you will learn something about you, about what you will accept and what you won't. And you will be stronger, more mature and not have a criminal record for doing something stupid in the heat of the moment. We can grow, and let go of the bad, keep the good and know in ourselves we were the adult and just walk away.
It feels great and you will be proud of yourself. And if you have made those mistakes in the past, learn from them. You can walk away with your head held high and know you took the high road, the heart still hurts but you are stronger. You will heal, and the next relationship might be the best relationship because of what you learned.