I sat there, holding the younger girl against my chest as she sobbed, my arms wrapped tightly around her abdomain. "It's okay, sweet. Everything's going to be alright."
I pet her hair as she tried to push through the tears, words choking in her throat. She couldn't speak, at least not clearly as she bawled. "Take a minute, breath, love."
The sobs steadily came to a stop, a sniffle pushing through "Another father's day without a dad..." she said, the new found drips of salt soaking into my shirt.
I looked down at the girl, a pang being sent threw my heart as I looked at her brown, long hair sticking to the sides of her face. Her green eyes hidden behind a layer of glass, making them look a chestnut brown. The frams of red that held the glass, now smugged and dirty from crying.
My hands traveled up to her face, cupping her cheeks as I wiped the liquid off her skin and pryed the chestnut hair from the sides of her head. "Everything will work out just fine. You don't need a dad to be strong. You just need to hang in there because things get better. So much better."
I felt tears well in my eyes as I looked down at the five year old, knowing how her future paned out. How things really did get so much better than they were now.
I enbraced the little lady again, making sure to give her a warm hug.
"Just hang in there, okay?"
The last time your light shone bright and true
we were three years old.
Then the demons came into our tiny world
and your light began to dim as mine sparked.
Slowly but steadily,
I lost you.
Laughter, love, wonder and safety,
melted away along with your glow.
The year we turned eight
I felt you slip away,
into the ether.
I was born too soon in order to save us.
Innocence rarely survives what he did to us
and if it does well,
it's broken in a way that only births new demons.
I couldn't let us become the very thing
that killed you.
but I had to let you go.
Even though we were suppose to grow old together,
it was the only way to survive.
a look into my mind
"You should totally draw a smiley face on your wrist."
"What? Why would I do that?"
"Just do it."
"It would be really awesome if you yawn and sing the opening song from Lion King AT. THE. SAME. TIME."
"...Why would that be awesome?"
"What is not awesome about that?"
"Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt..."
"What if you put your hand in the fire and pretend you are a fire bender?"
"Okay, I'm drawing the line here!"
note: bold = my inner child ;P
You are not me... yet
This is more of a letter than a conversation. I thought it would be fun to try this out.
Hey, little one. You probably don't recognize who I am, but I'm you. Well, technichally, you're not me yet... but you'll get here and wish you hadn't. You fall in and out of love as if it was the phases of the moon. You'll hold enough hands to hold up the world. Though you'll never be satified with yourself. That is something you'll struggle with a lot. Promise me you'll start to love yourself more and stop focusing on boys that only want you for your body.
You find a passion in books and poetry and writing. It is a way to express yourself without speaking. You bleed your emotions through a quill and onto parchment. Though things will get tough... very tough, I want you to never give up on yourself and to remember that the stars only shine during the dark. Things will happen, people will hurt, you especially, but never give up, little one. You are so innocent, but things will change, you'll see things that will scare your mind. Things that you will regret ever lying eyes apon.
You will lose sleep. Every. Single. Night. You'll lose your motivation to live, and people will say, "It's just a phase." Headphones will stay in your ears even when you are not listening to music, soley to avoid any social interaction. You'll grow to distance yourself from everyone. You'll grow into me, and you'll hate it. But, hey, it is what it is.
I need you to hang in there for me, little one. For me, please.
From me to you,
(P.S. Stay away from chocolate brownies, they take a toll as you get older :)
I think my inner child is afraid of me
and I don't know why
but it's hard for me to find her at all
she knows the terrain
of the lost libraries of my mind
and she can hide well in there
while I can't even seem to find
the way in, half the time
but all I hear are echos
or sometimes, not even that
my voice is just sucked into the darkness
I think she's built walls and cages
flat grey silver bars and chained locks
to keep me out
or maybe it's the other way around
and I built them in my sleep
to keep her in
I want to talk to you
I just want you to be happy
but I don't know how to find you
and it feels like
I've lost something
Your Daddy Issues
I heard your pain before you even spoke about it.
Your eyes were loud with trauma gifted to you
by a father whose traits you fear you have.
A father who you can only understand
if you’re high and playing poker
because you’re used to games with him,
rather than connection.
Everything you didn’t say about him,
gave you away.
And even though I understood you were broken,
a part of me expected you not to follow his example.
So I write down those unsaid things because maybe
if I put into words what you refuse to say aloud,
you can understand yourself, and we can both heal.
#poetry #prose #challenge #trauma #childhood #daddyissues #relationships #adulthood #shortpoem #womenwriters #poetrycommunity #healing #psychology
It's dark. I can hear the silent tears, rolling down her cheeks as she looks in the mirror.
I slowly creep, opening the door ever-so-slightly.
Peeping in, I see her, gazing into her own eyes, looking for her faults.
I know what she's thinking, but I ask anyway.
"Sweet dear one, what is the matter?" I whisper softly.
She pauses. Still looking in the mirror, but at me now.
Her expression paused mid sob, lips quivering.
No words. She dosn't know how to vocalise it, for fear of being misunderstood.
"Dear one, please. Remember you can talk to me, I will always protect you."
She still has no words, but she turns to face me, still standing on her chair.
Her eyes begin to prick and the water starts to brim her lids.
Hot tears falling delicately.
I walk over and scoop her up, wrapping her in love and safeness.
Her eyes overflow now, her chest thudding, silent rasps of breath escaping.
I hold her close and say nothing. She needs this release.
I don't try to shush her, or quell what she is feeling, I just let her feel.
Giving her a safe and tender moment to just be.
Gradualy her breathing starts slow down, the tears become cold, her swollen red eyes open - staring into my soul.
"Sweet dear one, would you like to share now, what it is that's troubling you so?"
Her lips part, and the tiniest whisper says -
"What is wrong with me?"
I tell her nothing is wrong with her, she is exactly who she needs to be-
"-but WHY do I feel everything so much more, WHY does everyone leave, and
WHY, can I not be happy?" These questions fall from her mouth, but like not like questions, like statements, as if this is it, this is definitive.
I pause now. Unsure of what to say, because these are my thoughts too.
It often feels like we aren't aloud to be happy. Toeing the line of happiness, but too scared to cross, for fear of somebody ripping out the table cloth beneanth us.
It's happened so many times, just at that peak. We are starved of joy sometimes.
We are scared.
But, I am older and wiser now. We have grown, and learnt so many things.
So I tell her -
"Darling child, this is our path. We feel things so intnensly, so that we can share with others. so that we can teach others, to feel. We can sit with dark emotions, unlike most. It is a gift. We must learn to share, not push. Give people the gift of our authentic selves.
Our honesty, and patiance. Our kind, sweet minds. A safe space for uncomfortable thoughts.
We have not met the right people, but we have gifted them all the same. They were not ready. And that's okay too, they are on their own journeys through life.
We have friends, and we have loved ones, who hold us so dearly.
They allow us to be who we are, unapologetically.
We have safe places, and comfort, and a place to rest our head. We have people to fall back on, when the waves drag us down.
We are not alone. Not this time.
We can be happy. We just have to find happiness within ourselves.
All of those things we feel so intenesly, it includes happiness.
Remember that feeling, when we stand in the sun, eyes closed, listening to the world around us, and we open our eyes and the world is so, So beautiful, filled with rosey air and soft bright lights, the world whispering sweet-nothings in our ears?
That is our happiness.
We can have that anywhere.
We are aloud it. It is our right.
We will find balance. We will find peace.
But first, we must find it all within ourselves; within our own darkness.
We are almost there, though the journey never stops.
We will forever be learning, trying to answer questions.
But we will always have eachother, and we will always be free.
This is our life, dear one.
We choose our path. We find our own meaning.
A gift so great, most don't know where to start.
So, let's first help ouselves, so in turn, we can help others.
- now come, LET US LIVE!"
Her eyes are filling again, but happiness is falling out.
Gold-tinted-tears, rolling down her cheeks. She smiles
and we hold eachother tight.
"That's right." she beams, through closed eyes.
We have grown quite abit.
We are ready now, not to start a fresh; but to continue, as anew.
As a whole, beautiful being,
like we have always been, like we always new we could be;
If we just believed.
The Weird Youngster I Am
Bold Type=My Inner Child
Normal Type=My Slightly Mature Inner Child
Itallic=My Outer Self
I'm in a good mood for a Partay!
Come on let's dance and sing at the same time!
You two are crazy...
But that's why you like us so much.
Of course, without us life would be boring.
I guess It won't be that bad, unless...
Come on, you've always wanted to be a famous singer/dancer.
Nobody's gonna know, if they do video tape...
That's just the thing, I'm scared of singing and/or dancing in front of a camera!
It's FINE... you'll have to get used to it if you really want to be famous.
You two are being unfair, you know quite well that I want to be famous sometime.
Stop being a baby... it's time you do something fun for once.
I do do things that are fun.
Oh, yeah... like what?
Ha! You got nothing, see you need to build your confidence in doing more "risky" things. Have some fun.
My Inner Child is more of a party animal, loves to take risks, and just loves to tell me to get over my fears... At least this is what I think when I'm asked about my inner child.
a sketchy store for an eleven year old to be,
shopping for something an eleven year old should never buy,
poison in the form of diet pills,
i watch from afar, without even a hesitation she puts the rectangle box in her hand, and quickly jolts to the cashier, and walks out, around a corner to the nearest public bathroom,
i watch her enter a stall, i hear the crinkle of the thin metal and plastic,
i hear her take the water bottle out of her jacket,
and then the scene of me with the pills in my hand and the water in another flashes in my mind,
following that same thought was pain,
flashes of pain from all the overdoses to follow, the broken trust of parents and friends, the long nights with hunger pangs, the pain in your chest, the hospital, the news that you caused your heart to rot,
poison, poison, poison
"it'll kill you, you know?"
"it's just a one time thing"
"that's what i said, and it was hundreds of times"
"i'll be fine, it's just a temporary solution"
"why is a solution needed when there isn't a problem to begin with?"
"you don't know what you're talking about"
"and that's where you're wrong, this "little decision" is about to change your life forever, this little decision will cause you to do unspeakable things, this little decision will cause your beautiful mind, body, and soul to grow ugly, your limbs will grow weak, you'll get tired, and nearly drop dead, and that's not all, because now because of this your future has grown bleak, and you'll have to make do with the reality that you have no one left, your body is now ruined beyond reverse, and you will never be the same"
"but i wanna look like them"
"it's not worth it, just wait and see, and everything will be okay"
"promise to throw those out"
- if i could tell her how beautiful she was, i'd do it in an instant