drowned to life
september night, hours frozen
i drown my reflection in a lake
without rippling the black surface
for i have run out of escapes.
my reflection floats into a curse
with no human heart weighing it down.
the face of a mannequin
disappears as soon as i blink.
my skin peels off in liquid dreams.
step into the void, and i knew
i had drowned the wrong reflection
but i have run out of escapees.
i fold into the lake, the underside
of my conscience is scraped.
shredded lungs, spilling cold ink
but i am breathing for the first time.
the waters were knocked-over pallets
stolen paints from northern skies.
open my throat, dishevel in silence
i run out of escapes and into life.
my body casts no shadow in the water
for the lake held hostage, tightly
the color of your colorless eyes
and i am drowning without metaphor.
Alone and I
Nobody does alone better.
I wear both halves of friendship charms,
tell waiters “table for one, please,”
poor two glasses of wine for both me and myself,
play both sides of the chess board,
and keep stock photos in frames.
I watch all of my movies alone in the dark.
Romances are better when seen by yourself.
I cook half Mac and cheese boxes,
make lasagna in 4 x 6 inch pans,
yet buy ice cream by the gallon.
I mailed myself a birthday card
and gave myself $10.
“Hey siri, play me breathing sounds”
and “Siri tell me jokes”
I’ve bought cologne just for my hoodies, and I’ve practiced kissing on my hand.
If they didn’t come with me, I’d only have one arm, one hand, one leg, one eye.
Alone and I have gotten, now, to be the best of friends.
Some say you only feel loneliness when you are all alone.
This is not entirely true.
Yes, you can feel lonely when you are in a room by yourself, or when you are at a party but don't know anyone there, so you are sitting alone in the corner.
But I feel the most alone when I am in a group of people who I have know my whole life, but they don't really know me.
Or maybe they do, but they don't really see me.
I may be sitting on the same couch with five friends and my family, but I feel completely alone.
Because sure, maybe these people like me, but we all know none of them respect or love me.
And that is the loneliest feeling in the world.
A room of people you've known since birth, but none of them actually want you there.
I’m never alone .
Be it demons in my head ,
Monsters under my bed ,
They always accompany me ,
asleep or awake .
I named one of them ” Ensan ”
Another ” Bethani ”
One ” Sakeih ”
Ah...I forgot the twins...
” LinMei & LunMai ”
That one hasn’t visited me in awhile...
I wonder where they went .
Am I crazy?
I feel most alone when they are not there .
See , they were my friends ,
before I knew what the word meant .
How odd .
Rather than the warmth ,
of a normal human hand ,
I felt more comfort ,
more at ease ,
with a hand I could never touch ,
only see .
Maybe it’s because they never talked ,
just like me . . .
Their eyes ,
always had such a sad , angry shine to them .
They felt outcasted ,
Maybe they needed a friend ,
just like me . . .
Their hands were always so cold ,
strangely enough ,
they emmitted warmth .
A cold warmth .
Maybe they needed a hand to hold ,
just like me . . .
They were always beside me ,
behind me ,
on top of me .
Sometimes , they were me .
Maybe they were lonely ,
just like me. . .
they left me .
One by one .
back when I was seven .
Ensan was the last to leave .
Looking back now ,
I realise why they left .
I was slowly being surrounded ,
with more and more humans ,
all of similar age .
(Who are.. .you?)
I guess they thought I didn’t need them anymore .
I guess I thought I didn’t need them anymore .
First it became seconds ,
when I couldn’t see them .
Then it became minutes .
Then hours .
Turned to months .
And finally years .
It came to a point where I thought ,
when I actually thought
they weren’t real anymore .
real to you ,
it may never seem .
But real to me ,
shall they always be .
The emotions they conveyed ,
not through words ,
but by actions alone .
You could see their words .
You could taste them at times .
The clock striked nine
We are your disguise
Do you want to die
Spread your wings and fly
Join me in my mind?
( .. .hi.. . )
eating lunch with a friend
chewing slowly on cafeteria food
while she talks about our latest project.
all i want to do
is sit in the library and type
but the library is closed
so she drags me to the bleachers in the gym
and i can't escape her.
i'm not exactly an introvert,
and if you get me going
i'll talk for hours.
but i just don't want
to be around her,
because when i am,
i feel lonely,
because to her,
everything i do is trash
and yet she calls herself my friend
because unlike me,
she has the crushing desire to
never be alone.
whereas i am the opposite,
always wishing for solitude.
i guess opposites attract,
but now i just wish i could
switch myself around
and repel away from her
The Depths of Loneliness
Loneliness is hard to explain. Sadness and depression definitely play their part, but there's more to it than that. It's almost as if you go from fading into the background. To becoming the ground, like you are joining the rocks or trees and watching everyone else move forward with their lives. While you are stuck in the same spot physically unable to
join everyone else in living out your life.
The longer you stay in this pit of loneliness. The harder it is to find the strength to pull yourself out of it. Or even decide if you want to leave it at all. Unable to escape this feeling that there is something wrong, but never able to effectively communicate your feelings to others.
They look at you with a confused look. Saying, "What are you talking about? I'm right here. You have so many friends. People would kill to be in your shoes." Yet, they never understand, because they are either unable to understand the abyss that is inside of you. Or they are just too scared to gaze into the abyss.
You think your life has hit a bump in the road
As You look around to see, nobody is home
Tears lost meaning many cries ago
Not that they need it,
They fall on their own
Happy Traces of smiles at old watering holes
Too soon to leave, away they go
Another tear arrives but remains unshown
You know the reason for pains undertone
Many faces you’ve met
And still you’re all alone
As your hand remains outstretched
Hoping for a someone that’s meant
And as Tears become counterfeit
you begin to speak to the one you’ve got left
I see you, and I won’t forget
I’ll make many Prayers and won’t relent
for you who found solace so deep in your head
There is something behind me....
There is something behind me
There is something behind me
I can feel its breath on my neck
Its fingers tickle my spine
A blade or a gun? What's it gonna be?
Which should I choose?
that's just the wall.
Even if there was something behind me
What would I do?
How loud would I have to scream?
How fast can I run?
I locked the door, I won't open it fast enough
I'm too far away
From the door, from the world
What was that?!
that was just the TV
Why did I turn it up so high?
And as I feel what's not there
And hear what doesn't speak
And see what my mind should not seek
I know all I have to do
Is get off the couch and walk to the door
The world waits outside
Bright and loud
But I remain sitted
And I walk sideways
So I can see all sides, but my back still remains unwatched
And I'm alone in so many ways
And I still jump at every sound
All I have to do is walk out
But I don't
I chose to be lonely
But I hate this loneliness
But I can't change it
Afterall, I chose to be lonely.
The demage has already been done
I will carry the paranoia to the grave
When they asked what I wanted
Lonely was the answer I gave
And now I will never get the chance to be brave.
This is how my life started
And this is how it will end
What's that smell?
I swear, someone just set my house on fire
They are trying to set me ablaze!!
Oh, wait, that's just my food burning.