I wrote this 2 years ago but I've been feeling like this often. Reminder to anyone reading: You're good enough exactly the way you are. You are worthy of respect simply for existing. Big hugs :)

I’m not sorry

For going to bed at 3am

Instead of working

Until dawn.

I’m not sorry

For studying with my friends

Instead of sitting

All alone.

I’m not sorry

For going home at night

Instead of playing

A sport I hate.

I’m not sorry

For stopping piano lessons

Instead of forcing

Myself to play.

I’m not sorry

I chose not to run for council

Because you wanted it

Not me.

I’m not sorry

I chose to tutor instead of study

Because my friend’s at

A fifty-three.

I’m not sorry

I chose not to take physics

Because I loved Spanish

So much more.

I’m not sorry

I chose to take Saturday off

Because my family means

The world.

I’m not sorry

I refused to jump

Through every single hoop.

I’m not sorry

I didn’t check

Every single box you drew.

I’m not sorry

I used my time

To write poetry

And truth.

I’m not sorry

I never tried

To change myself

For you.

I splash marmalade from mountain glaciers on my droopy face:

I am fine.

I am not tired, i can last a few more hours

I run into invisible walls as if a labirneth of mirrors:

I am fine.

it's only life

I cry snow for my heart has grown cold from lack of love:

I am fine.

I don't need anyone to make me smile again.

I

am

fine.

but I am not fine

and I need to stop telling myself these lies

for I don't know if someone can survive

with wandering realities like mine.

And what if I want to be lonely,

Pirouetting beneath a cerulean sea

Sunlight kissing rose petal skin

As the birds weave a cage

Of ivy and flowers stems

For this run away heart?

And what if I want to be lonely,

To wake up in a bed all my own,

Rising with the moon

And breathing with the rythm of the tides;

Tracing ever-changing constellations

Across the wings of the night?

And what if I want to be lonely,

Dipping the world in melancholy

And hanging it out to dry?

The word drips from your lips like kudzu and venom

As though there are not

A million lovely ways to be lonely without you.

It started when life knocked my rose tinted glasses clean off my freckled face, exposing my green eyes to the world, and I realized they didn’t love me the same as their other daughters. I always told myself I kept the glasses on because my eyes don’t match with theirs. Without the glasses I saw clearly the differences in our upbringing, nothing alike yet somehow the same, it was like waking from a dream. I’m ashamed to tell you just how long I wore those glasses. Doesn’t really matter though.

Things just aren’t the same.

It got worse when I found out by accident that she’d lied to me. The man on my birth certificate, the man who’s attention my young self begged for once upon a time, wasn’t my father. She’d never planned to tell me, even pretended she didn’t know. I can always tell, when someone isn’t being honest with themselves. “Are you surprised?” echos through my mind when I think about it, as if she’d just thrown me a birthday party. Of course, this revelation became all about her and how it impacted my step father, whom she had also never told.

Things just aren’t the same.

I found out he always knew about me, my real bio dad. He took pride in his hippie days and all of the seeds he’d planted throughout. I was just another trophy on a shelf for him and every postive attribute I possess is his gift to me. My high intelligence, my perseverance, my ability to adapt and survive a shitty childhood, you’re welcome. For he sees the demons, didn’t I know? Too busy saving the world from them (saving us all in truth and shouldn’t we be grateful) to be a father. Some of the seeds were watered by him over the years, not me of course, but I am heartier and stronger because I had to adapt in a world not made for people like us. I was left out in the cold, an experiment to observe, will she thrive or wither? I am the most like him (his greatest compliment) because I had to fend for myself and shouldn’t I be thankful?

Things just aren’t the same.

When you discover it’s all a lie,

the sad little pieces of love gathered close over the years aren’t real,

a heart covered in little paper mache IOU’s with no intrinsic value.

Things just aren’t the same.

Message delivered

I wait patiently for your answer

after 2 days I think you might be busy

nothing

after 2 weeks I realize you might’ve forgotten me

nothing

after 2 months I realize you don’t care

nothing

I sit still wondering

when will you respond?

what did I do wrong?

then

ping

It seems you need someone to help you

and you keep asking

until I relent

not anymore

I’ve got to admit

I have no clue what went wrong

what did I do?

I am not perfect

I have flaws

I am my perfect self

I’m that huge bookworm

I’m that girl who loves to solve the extra math problems

I’m that person who is only organized when it comes to online files

I’m that person who loves to play cheesy disney songs on the piano

I’m that person who adores to watch movies based on books

and if that’s not enough for you

then you don’t deserve me as I am

so I hear it again

ping

and I press ignore

deciding to go and read on my couch, cuddling with my next favorite read, and a warm cup of Caramel Apple Cider.

Tomorrow,

I’m going to go and treat myself to a big Molly Moon’s sundae

and I’ll find someone

who

actually

cares

As we lay in the bed with her back to my face,

We have never been more distant with a picture of disgrace.

She don't look in my eyes anymore.

She glimps at me, then looks at the floor.

A love I thought I had for a never-ending lifetime.

Died and showed no remorse of any kind.

I tried to replenish it, restore the luster.

She's here but not here, just a body under the cover.

At first, I thought depressed, a world of her own.

But, I tried to sex her, but she wanted to be left alone.

No interest in me anymore, or her surroundings.

Her conversation with me was faint yet astounding.

I was told a medication will help her in the end.

But I know all the medication in the world will not make a lost relationship mend.

I pray to my lord above to help me understand.

But as the days move on, I can see it's out of his hands.

I have never been so alone than I am with her here.

I feel the tension between us whenever we are near.

I have never been in this kind of situation before.

So I don't know how to help it restore.

Is it best to move on and never look back?

Or is it better to wait and give it another wack?

The time away from two lovers usually is mended with strength and eternity.

But the time between her and I caused severe damage and that's a reality.

It's said that "only time will mend a broken heart."

But how do I know when to give up or when to start?

How long do this hell supposed to take place?

How long will she lay with her back to my face?

The random things

that no one listens to

It's the buzzing silence in my brain

left on loop for months now

numbness, i guess

They can't listen if i don't say

a word

I can't listen if i say nothing to

myself, not even in the

mirror, never getting a glimpse

because i'm afraid of what i'll find

I've read what they say

i don't need to hear it to know

what you'd think

Broken

that's what i'd be

Is that all i am

Wanting to want

to steal to feel to live

Anything will do

anything but

staring at the moon and letting

it swallow me whole as i shut my

eyes and pretend i can't see my reflection

in the night sky

Alone

and just a little

shattered

this apartment is so cold

all of this is growing old

politicians can escape this trap

but we are here and all we can do is nap

listening to old Disney tunes

hoping they will drown out the blues

the snow was fun for a moment or two

but what to do now, I have no clue

no school, no work, no wifi, no water

maybe I'll go read some Harry Potter

But really though, we haven't had classes all week and now we have a water-boil notice. Can't wait till it warms up again. Hope y'all are staying safe out there if ya live in Texas too.

Every day the same.

Every single solitary day.

Over and over and over again.

The same cardinal visits my window feeder,

the same time each morning.

The same tea in my mug.

The same news on TV.

The same cold wind blows.

The same snow falls,

only the drifts grow deeper.

Every day the same.

Every single solitary day.

Over and over and over again.

Although,

spring is coming,

or so I hear,

or so I wish.

Well, I thought I would escape this winter without a dark time. I have been doing so well. I've been writing everyday in one form or another. Keeping my house up. Making time for nature. I was so close. So close to calling this a successful winter. It's been 5 months since I've been depressed, and I attribute that to following my dream of writing. But, the love eludes me when I'm depressed. It takes everything in me to write. I don't like to write about negative things. I thought I had finally defeated it. It always passes, as I've been through this time and time again. I consider myself resilient and I'm trying to have some compassion for myself as I would anyone else. It'll get better… But until then, I'm just going to sleep and function in the best way I can. And, I'll just keep writing. Thanks for letting me vent!