holding silver coins underneath my tongue
as if it tasted of another shot of your poison
cold metallic edges i'd run my tongue over
until it's bleeding and i could dream of you
holding the rusted blades underneath my skin
pretending it stung not because of your touch
this time i bleed in rivers of bitter nightmares
and i stain your fingertips a thousand times over
When you hear
a song you
your son's age
when it was
and the path
when you realize
is no longer
a conscious act
with the old
your best years...
when you perceive
that the road ahead
is dark, rocky and
when you understand
that death is real,
far too often
Dying to hear your voice now,
If I cry, will you appear and hold me?
Swear you truly love me, please.
Time goes too slow, but too fast.
All I want is you, your love,
No matter if I have to walk all the way to you.
Eradicate the distance, please?
Cause right now,
I need you.
But you're miles away,
Far from my reach.
What’s the Point
My wife gave birth the other day,
Bringing my son into the world just this last week.
Holding my baby boy, I watch my wife call her friends,
Joyfully shouting inaudible shrieks.
I go out for a drive to get some food
And to get some fresh air.
I don't drive. I don't listen to music. I don't touch the keys.
I sit. Alone. In silence. With a blank stare.
Then an epiphany hits me,
like a car driving into a wall.
Casting my gaze to my phone. I scroll through my contacts.
Realizing that I have no one to call.
Friendships that long since ended,
If they were ever my friends.
A family that pretends that I don't exist
With zero plans to make amends.
Turning the ignition, I drive off into the night.
Speeding 20 above the limit.
No where to go, but I'm going there fast.
Thinking. What's the point of this whole gimmick.
The little Things
I lost my Mother on August 26, 2020.
And I remember her telling me about two weeks before she passed that she didn’t want to die alone, and she made me promise that when it was her time to go I would be right there. And I just looked at her and laughed and said ” you have a lot of time before that happens.” but I still promised.
But what I and my little sister didn’t know was that she was sick( not with COVID) she was only 47.
It wasn’t her death that broke me.
It was because I didn’t get to say goodbye. it was because I wasn’t there.
I wasn’t there to hold her hand.
I wasn’t there to comfort her.
I wasn’t there and I broke my promise.
Pain is a funny thing.
I always use anger to push it away.
But sometimes that is not good enough.
What hurts is all the demons tearing at my soul.
What hurts is when my own parents tell me I am not good enough.
What hurts is when I realize no one loves me.
What hurts is when I remember my parents abandoned me because I was a burden.
What hurts is when I look in the mirror and realize my demons have stolen everything.
They stole my pride, my happiness, my light.
What hurts the most, however, is knowing I cannot escape.
I hate it that the person that gave me the best memories became nothing more than a memory/
When you can handle the pain, but you know you don’t deserve it/
is what hurts more than the pain itself. I know how you’re feeling/
You don’t sleep because your mind and your heart are in a constant war... with each other/
My body literally wants to destroy itself/
I want to delete everything, abandon all my friends, and go missing for a while to get my life back in order/
Because right now, I’m a mess/
They say I’ve been hurt too deep/
It’s true. But I can’t say that. If I say I’m hurt, I’m weak. I can’t be weak.
It’s like being a prisoner/
Like your feelings mold into a lump of clay and sit in the pit of your stomach like a boulder/
But, no matter how hard you try, you can’t hide from yourself/
It hurts when you go through your phone deleting pictures of you and the person you thought would forever be by your side.