Drunk and Alone
On the side of the refrigerator spelled out were the Harrison family rules. Before I could read them, I had them memorized and I accepted the definitive discipline without hesitation. Hence, the name “Goodie-Two-Shoes” became my nickname, imposed upon me by my conspiratorial sister and brother who made it their daily business to break every rule as their mission statement.
If I saw a policeman on the street I would stiffen and walk a straighter line. If given a homework assignment in school, it was done before play. If there was no one watching, I did the right thing, until a demon reached down and grabbed me by the short hairs.
“Never drink alone.” I heard it as a rule. I don’t know who said it or where I was when I heard it but if it was said, even if it didn’t make complete sense, I always figured there had to be a legitimate reason for it to have been declared. Rules made me feel safe. Self discipline came naturally until I became acquainted with Miss Merlot and Sir Sauvignon.
When faced with the prospect of going to a bar as a woman alone, or sitting on my porch swing reading a book, the choice was easy for me. Home alone. Would it have been different, say, if I was not a single woman? Would it have been okay if I had a boyfriend or a husband that turned to wine with me to take the aches and pains of the workday, of life, away?
I remember the first day I made the decision to pick up a bottle of wine on my way home from work. The rationalization was convincing. “You work hard.” “You deserve to relax.” “Alcohol helps you forget what happened.” “What’s wrong with having one glass of wine after work?”
Until one glass became two, and then the glasses got bigger so I could rationalize having more than two. And now I have finished a whole bottle and I want more and I am home, drunk and alone, scared and defeated, knowing there is only one set of rules left I need to memorize.
Twelve to be exact.
The Twelve Steps.
#FICTION, although alcoholism is no stranger to my family
I’ve been in love, sure.
But have I been drunk and alone?
Darling, do birds fly south?
Does earth have a gravitational pull?
Or do I simply have the spins?
I’ve been down in the dumps, certainly.
But have you ever had wine in a can?
Am I the only one ingenius enough
to consider buying a wedding dress
without an engagement ring?
(It turns out, you can’t make an appt.
if you’re single, so like a psycho
I bought a dime store diamond
and presented myself to them
like the Miss Havisham that I am)
All this is to say,
if you don’t have someone to love,
you are probably drinking alone.
Luckily, there’s only a roll call of one
at the bottom of my tequila bottle.
You Can Call Me Sally
My name is really Bud, but you can call me Sally. I’m the other woman.
You lie, sneak and cheat for me. I’m in your blood. You need me and love me more than your wife and family. I always win.
She cries and begs you to leave me as I sit back and laugh with my feet propped up waiting. She worries and I don’t care. You’ll always come to me.
She can smell me on you, I’m in your every breath and pore. Its fun when you lie and hide me. It’s my favorite game. You say “I’m done with you”, but I toss my head back and laugh. You’ll be back. I know.
I’m even familiar to your friends. They love me too. I’m a whore. I get around and I am everywhere. I don’t even have to be near, and you think of me. You think of me every minute of every day. Your mouth gets wet for me. You need to taste me. You want me. I bring you comfort. I put you to sleep. Who needs a wife when you have me. I’m always within reach.
I have seduced and murdered your family, and yet you still love me.
I cause heartache and grief, it’s my joy. You need me and want me so much. I am elated to know that I will be in your blood when you say your final goodbye. I will move on.
You have kids that need me too. I’m working on one right now. He’s thinking of me too. There’s enough of me to go around. I’m not faithful to anyone and I love men, women and children. Maybe a little part of me will worm into the brain of the tiniest ones. That is my hope. I’m not selective. I’m a whore.
I’m shameless. You can use me any time, anywhere and I will always come back. I’m always here for you. I will love you and come to you. Hold me and bring me to your lips. Again and again. I’m all you need. I’ll follow you anywhere. I’ll help you drive, I’ll go to work with you. I am always here. You love me.
I’m waiting patiently for you to leave your wife. I love you more. She’s no match for me. I am winning. You love me more.
2:00am musings of a post menopausal insomniac mind
a rose falling apart
years after years of walking in the dark
the sky black with rain like fallen stars
under the night sky no place enough far
the cold air froze a path too familiar
rough branches and sharp leaves cut through skin
the clock made of rain running out of time to be
dreading for a light with twists and turns leading in
the heartbeat shivering for the reasons that mean
diving deeper and deeper for a place to stay
the point of obscurity it might’ve been a mistake
but swore every moment felt more right that way
the feeling of right was yet so wrong following
cul-de-sacs haunting the mystical darkness
a flawless black rose stood out from the wild
the petals drunk on intoxicating black waters
midnight had condensed itself into a single flower
the words remain a secret that there’s not a color
standing a chance against your smile soever
the aroma hazy like moonlight in a nightmare
wishing time to stop right now the scent to linger
the bittersweet fields of flowers blooming a river
scentless around your perfume coldly scattered
if only there was a way the pain would cease
the odds i’d fight against just for you to see
if you were here the rose would never be
the most breathtaking taste I’d fall apart for
blood vessels wrapped around the flower’s thorns
crimson red darker than the black-colored rose
Bar none Fly
Your Opinion packs a punch. Drunk and alone. But I’m done beating myself up about it. You can’t squeeze water from a stone.
What’s left of my liquid lunch? Just a hunch. A candy bar, peanuts, and an empty pint of regret punch.
Time to scrounge up some numbers to crunch. And like that my attitudes changed. Coins copper & nickel got me out of a pickle. Wet my whistle. And got my batteries charging on a slow trickle.
No need to rush. The peanut gallery today is zero zip nada hush hush. I’m sipping wisdom. Out to lunch. Three sheets to the wind. Not checked in but? Out rather. Having trouble only seeing double. Jiving with the ghost slipping my jab, bursting my bubble. Teeing off on my five o’clock shadow. What’s he got against stubble?
Bell rung now with a moment to dwell. First things first I need a drink to clear this hell. And get my legs back under me. Before ring a ding ding. Here comes trouble. And I’ll be damned. I don’t look compassionate.
The unknown Lady
“Do I still have time to grow?”
“Would I still drown in my self-care of toxic bliss?”
“Am I not worthy of you, her, him and them?:
I’m going through motions, staggering and stumbling, talking to myself.
My new favorite me time hobby, which is fun!
“Who is there?” “Where did you come from?”, I asked, shocked that I had been interupted.
“Come closer”, a female distant voice said.
“But I can not see you, it is dark and airtight”, I replied.
“Look down”, the voice no longer distant as before spoke again.
“No matter what, I would always be here for you. Now allow me to take care of you”, she stated while looking me in the eyes.
I did not know how to react, such a beautiful woman, wanting me, accepting me and still wanting to stay.
She took of her top, her scent lingering in the air.
Commanding me to draw near. I loved it.
Shyly I touched her, it sent chills to my body.
“Go on” she urged.
I pulled her close to me, she wiggled from the speed and intensity in my eyes.
“I love you”, she said.
With that, I kissed her deeply.
DRUNK N ALONE
This people hit me when they feel that am high,
I do the same,
I cant deny,
I'm not a saint,
Sometimes I lie,
My lies be judged the day I die....
This guys they think I'm an easy prey,
I wont deny,
I'm that way,
I live for fun,
A careless life for which I would pay.
The night is young,
Am out again,
Away,away, till God knows when
A careless soul am free to roam
A creature wild dont have a home.
I get so high,
I touch the skies
I've been to heaven countless times
Not scared of death but lonely lows,
So hit me up let's share a dose...
This people hit me when they're high
I cant resist so I reply,
A life so short I live it fast
Cos nothing last,
I'll have a blast.....
So now am here,
All by myself,
Alone n stuffed in this tight room,
I cant deny I hate the smell,
Cant leave tho,
COS AM DRUNK N ALONE