It’s only in the intoxicated darkness that I yearn. To yearn is that pang of longing which grips you so tight you think you might keel over.

As my throat burns with the remnants of one too many tequila limes, the bed beneath me soft, the air I breathe still hot, my head spinning— all this and more happens in the real, tangible world—I close my eyes and sink into a darkness which starts from within.

In this darkness, the one I never have to face myself in, I am free, to dream, to cherish. Stars paint themselves around me, my body yearns for a soul. Memories become dreams become fact. I’m standing beneath the trees with you, your face inches from mine, the tender face I want to caress and make blush.

Intoxicated darkness, what sweet freedom you bring, my heart’s at peace and it soars, giddy with delight at remembered love. In this darkness, I don’t remember the dismissal, the hurt, the cruelty, the present tense. There are no flashlights to remind me of dignity and self-respect, no one to shed light on my lover’s loveless gaze, who, in the obscurity, is not clear enough to take another hammer to my heart.

Intoxicated darkness, how gentle you are to me, you bathe me in your soprano musings, teach me to forget daily grinds and drowning worlds. Darkness, how cool, how innocent in ignorance. Don’t let the future come, let it roll on but leave me here. I want to stay in this part of summer, fall in love with the hot blind nights.

Intoxicated darkness leaves me to the heavy headed morning light. It lets me sit among those breezes which spell out harsh fluorescent realities.

Coffee, to numb out the possibility of sleep, I face the day, and wait, again, for a late evening when I can deliver myself to dark, drunken flight.

it was like blindness.

blindness, and euphoria.

it was dark, supposed to

trigger waves of fear,

but the point of madness

had been crossed.

it was calming,

it was perfect.

insanity had morphed

this darkness

into a thing

of light.

So easy

just to give in

and feel

power

unabated

unchecked

unfettered

flowing through veins like fuel in an engine

a heart

on fire

with no

fucks

doubts

checks

just total certainty

unbound by the chains of day-to-day life

a wolf

in

sheep’s clothing

stalking

grinning

biting

howling

as the herd parts like waves before me

You know

I could

crush

you

consume

you

conquer

the very edges of your lush plains of flesh

my eyes

glowing

like

ember

before my flames burn through your core

my hands

pulling

apart

the pieces of you

one-by-one

...until

You look back at me

with

absolute

trust

And it is I

who fall

shattered.

I follow you like a starved dog follows a hot dog stand. Begging for scraps. Kicking up plastic bottles and empty sandwich wraps.

I watch you with hopeful eyes. To me, you could do no wrong. Patiently, I wait, while you cater to others, and stare right over me.

Why can I never forget you?

When you have already forgotten me.

I hate you like an addict hates the fall. A glance from you is the high I need more than the air I breathe.

My heart is weak, fueled only by the trash you leave behind.

Oh wait,

I understand,

Because to you,

I am trash.

I crawl into bed,

Ready to fall asleep.

My wife lay soundly next to me,

No sound. Not even a peep.

Tap! Tap! Tap! Against my door.

"Who is there?" I ask.

No answer. Only deafening silence.

I roll over back to bed.

Creak! Creak! Creak! The door moves as if coming to life.

This time I shout, "Get out! Let me be."

No answer. Only deafening silence.

There was no one there but me.

The silence rings so loud,

I can hear my heart pulsing in my ear.

Somewhere in the dark, something lurks,

I don't believe that I'm alone in here.

Mustering all my courage, I climb off my bed,

The floor cracks with every step I take.

Slowly moving towards the door,

Praying that my fears are fake.

Turning the doorknob I thrust the door open,

Expecting a wraith or a ghost to bite or bark.

Only to be answered by a deafening silence,

Nothing to be found in the dark.

Staring down the hollow black hallway,

Unsatisfied with the answer I received.

I must venture into the blackness,

If I am going to get any relief.

Step by step. I walk down the haunted hall,

Hoping not to be swallowed by fear.

Every step draws me closer,

To what I know is here.

Entering the dark living room,

Feeling so exposed.

Yet nothing sturs or moves,

And all the windows and doors are closed.

A chilly breeze runs up my spine,

Like a cold winter night.

I turn Slowly to face the darkness.

Only to be greeted with a fright.

A monster! At least ten feet tall,

Towering above me.

No time to scream or shriek,

I grab the first thing I see.

Smashing the monster with all my might,

It tumbles against the wall.

Falling to the ground,

The Shadow doesn't look so tall.

Quickly turning on the lights,

Revealing so clear.

A winter coat knocked off its hanger,

Relieved I say, "I am all alone in here."

Triumphantly, I return to bed a hero,

Having vanquished the shadowy giant.

Entering into the darkness,

Emerging triumphant.

Turning to my wife I say, "Don't worry. There's nothing to fear."

But alas my words fall on deaf ears.

All that lay next to me are some extra blankets.

Then I say with a sorrowful sigh, "I am all alone in here."

Your words don't hurt me, they devour me. Your sweet yet delicate heart is mine to play with. Oh, my darling how easy you fall for me. Tripping and prancing along almost as if death were to elude you. Yet, yet, you are not meant to be. Your pitiful cries drive me to the edge of insanity. I don't want your godforsaken love! You're a damn disgrace! Eat the shit from a pig's ass! My sorrow and deep wounds are reopening because you think I need you. All because you think you love me. I hate you! I wish you would die and perhaps fall victim to a gruesome murder. Yes! Yes, let the devil drag you to hell and let him feast upon your rotten flesh. They say the weak wither and die yet, you keep coming back to life. You are unnecessary, you are pitiful! Go back to the hell you came from! Leave this world and I don’t care if you leave with one leg and one eye! I don’t give a damn! Just go already! Go! May the horror and terror break you! From your shattered shell to your contorted pig feet! Good riddance to your wretched fume.

Do you know what it means to be alone?

what it feels like to be in a room full of noise but the only thing you can hear is silence?

Do you know what it feels being at the back of the pack,

Knowing fully well you got everyone's back covered but looking at your back and seeing nobody got it covered?

Do you know what it feels always watching victory dance through the windows of defeat,

What it feels when the only food you get to eat every time is a cold plate of losing?

Do you know what it feels to love someone with all your heart and everything you got

and getting your heart broken and rejected and your soul killed by the very person you'd give up your life for?

Do you know what it feels being an orphan, a widow, a widower or having a special bond permanently broken?

What it feels when the only place you can find the people you loved most is in your memory?

Do you know what it feels to die and forced to spend the rest of your days under the ground?

What it feels like staying alone in a cold little wooden box and the nearest person to you is six feet above the ground?

Do you know what it feels being insane living a life that's as good as death?

What it feels to be an outcast because of brain damage you never wanted?

Do you know what it feels going days without food or water, not knowing where your next meal will come from?

What it feels being a little child and dying from starvation?

Do you know what it feels to be alone?

I know what it feels being alone.

My name is really Bud, but you can call me Sally. I’m the other woman.

You lie, sneak and cheat for me. I’m in your blood. You need me and love me more than your wife and family. I always win.

She cries and begs you to leave me as I sit back and laugh with my feet propped up waiting. She worries and I don’t care. You’ll always come to me.

She can smell me on you, I’m in your every breath and pore. Its fun when you lie and hide me. It’s my favorite game. You say “I’m done with you”, but I toss my head back and laugh. You’ll be back. I know.

I’m even familiar to your friends. They love me too. I’m a whore. I get around and I am everywhere. I don’t even have to be near, and you think of me. You think of me every minute of every day. Your mouth gets wet for me. You need to taste me. You want me. I bring you comfort. I put you to sleep. Who needs a wife when you have me. I’m always within reach.

I have seduced and murdered your family, and yet you still love me.

I cause heartache and grief, it’s my joy. You need me and want me so much. I am elated to know that I will be in your blood when you say your final goodbye. I will move on.

You have kids that need me too. I’m working on one right now. He’s thinking of me too. There’s enough of me to go around. I’m not faithful to anyone and I love men, women and children. Maybe a little part of me will worm into the brain of the tiniest ones. That is my hope. I’m not selective. I’m a whore.

I’m shameless. You can use me any time, anywhere and I will always come back. I’m always here for you. I will love you and come to you. Hold me and bring me to your lips. Again and again. I’m all you need. I’ll follow you anywhere. I’ll help you drive, I’ll go to work with you. I am always here. You love me.

I’m waiting patiently for you to leave your wife. I love you more. She’s no match for me. I am winning. You love me more.

Sally❤️

2020

2:00am musings of a post menopausal insomniac mind

Darkness all around

as he is approaching her

closer with every step.

Her heart begins beating

so hard and heavy

she is aware of the butterflies

in her stomach.

He is staring straight at her,

locking eyes.

She’s in his trans, she is his.

Stranger in the darkness

He takes her in his arms

and kisses her with such

passion, she didn’t want

it to stop.

The kiss was so intoxicating.

She wanted more.

He takes her breath away,

and her life is over.

Intoxicated Darkness.

why can't i forget,

the way your lips felt on mine,

the way you said 'i love you',

the way things were before life fell apart,

i want it back,

universe haven't you tortured me enough?

aren't you satisfied as you watch my cry myself to sleep each night,

going through all the old messages hoping a new one would appear,

finding myself back at our favorite places,

this day to day basis of hurting over the past consumes my present

- will this feeling ever pass?