i never wanted you, but maybe that's why

you wanted me.

my screams your lullabies,

you never went to sleep without

hearing me beg for help just so you could

slap my face red and tell me to be your good girl.

i learned to stop screaming. it was my way of resisting,

to just lie there silently, numb to your touch

until you started hitting me and didn’t stop

until my tears made the world blurry.

i never wanted to tell my mom that her brother

stole my body for his use every night.

and i never should’ve. clearly i’m just

making it up to ruin his reputation.

I never wanted

you.

I never wanted

your hands on mine.

I never wanted

you to look out for me.

I never wanted

you to need me.

Want me.

Think of me.

Write of me.

I never wanted

you

to

want us,

think of us,

write of us.

I never wanted

you to love me,

I just wanted

you

to

notice

me.

31.7.2020

I never wanted to be

that writer

that stands at the mic

shaking with irrelevance

before I even move my lips

the only possible

outcome folding up

like a deck of cards

with no ace

and this alone is

hearing the dial tone

of a fame I can’t obtain

some kind of writer I am

only being able

to scribble

to hear my own echo

the corona virus

made it so my words

would reverberate

off of walls that don’t vibrate

when I was quarantined

in a hospital room

my writing was the

only way to scream

I never wanted

to be this unknown

pen to paper

ripping up the untold

I never wanted a girl,

Not because of the responsibility.

I didn't want to bring her into a screwed up world,

Full of rape and plausible deniability.

Now that she's here,

She's as precious as a Pearl.

Every day is an adventure and a game,

I love playing with my little girl.

I never wanted you to feel

such pain within your heart;

please trust my love for you is real

although we are apart.

I had to leave, but you must know

I hated that I had to go,

and pray that you can start

to find the strength to help you heal.

In all our lives, you’ve never known,

the loneliness and fear

that comes from thinking you’re alone

and no one else is near.

We started out the best of friends,

I truly thought we’d see the end

while hand in hand, my dear;

Alas, sweetheart, that dream’s undone.

Still children when we came to be,

and not yet out of school;

you were the princess of my dreams,

and I your comic fool.

Our friends and families told us how

we were too young for life-long vows—

exceptions to the rules,

after we grew, you married me.

In time, we made our dreams come true

and watched our family grow.

Our children, and grandchildren too,

through them our love still flows.

Now even though my time has come,

your earthly work is not yet done;

so live, my love, and know

from heaven, I’ll be watching you.

© 2020 Dusty Grein

Note: This is a neoclassic form, known as a gemstone. It is very strict on its 32 line usage of rhyme and meter, and though it can be challenging to craft, it is also quite satisfying when it comes together.

I never wanted to be a mom

But then I held you in my arms.

All my worries became very real,

But you couldnt know how I feel.

I buried them down and held on

Until I woke up and you were gone.

Nurses were gentle to break the news

But it didn’t stop the pain and blues.

I’d escaped my land to give you a home

And now I’m here, broke, and all alone.

For months I wandered in a haze

Sloely navigating grief stage by stage.

Once I hit acceptance, I met Ivan

Who encouraged me to keep on fighting.

We wed and are now expecting a girl

Though I still wish you were in thid world.

They helped me see you had set me free

So I have mourned and you can rest in peace.

never wanted

is a lie . . .

i tell myself

all too oft . . .

i never know

but only kind-of

a double negative

called on in vain

. . . the nominal

image-of fronted

by full denial . . .

. . . just in case!

if at the stroke

of pumpkins,

the satin fails

. . . to please,

in after taste !

i never wanted

no i never want

i never wanted!

. . . my mistakes

all these desires

pushing out

their horses . . .

after my carriage

. . . but still

this reflection

smuggles its

coyest smiles

. . . innocent,

inconsquential

at the trial . . !

cause after-all

i never wanted.

07.28.2020

Create a poem that starts with the phrase "I never wanted" challenge @renatarf99

I never wanted,

to see your wounds,

to feel your pain.

I was safe,

I was secure,

confident,

unafraid.

Now,

I cannot unsee,

I cannot unfeel.

Today,

fighting onward,

I must speak,

I must act.

There is no

going back.

I never wanted you to stay.

A thorn in my side.

Gone all day,

Back at night.

Your problems

Became mine,

To tote on my

shoulders.

Never giving useful

Insight.

You said my hobbies

Were a bore.

You needed

More and more.

I was emptyed

To a dry well.

But who are you?

I'll never tell.

Never and forever are opposite in definition,

but brothers in the time their promises hold:

Always

1.Eternally

2.Endlessly

3.Perpetually

4.Continually

5.Insistently

"I will love you forever."

A promise.

An Always.

So, when you said "I never wanted to hurt you."

Didn't that mean not ever?

Not:

for the time being.

What happened to that promise? That Always linked to ever.

That forever.

I never.

You never.

You broke that Ever.

What happened to the Always promise conected to your ever in forever?

How could you?

Why would you?

And your Ever in never, "I never wanted to hurt you."?

You may not have ever wanted, but you did.