I didn't know,

the reality of things

until he didn't come back.

I

didn't

know that

time is so much

more precious, than

I'd expected

it to be.

I

didn't

know that

I & many others,

have taken life for granted,

as many do for many things,

so

I

apologize

for

not

knowing,

and

I

wish

that

I

had

known

then.

13.7.2020

When your

soul is tired

no amount

of sleep

will relieve.

Don't close

your eyes

and sleep,

you need

to open

your eyes

and live.

When I was 1, I didn’t know who I was.

When I was 2, I didn’t know how to listen.

When I was 3, I didn’t know everyone else could hear, something I couldn’t do.

When I was 4, I didn’t know I’d try killing myself 10 years later.

When I was 5, I didn’t know that I’d be dating someone secretly at 15 because my parents had this stupid rule.

When I was 6, I didn’t know that I was years away from puberty.

When I was 7, I didn’t know what they’d expect from me.

When I was 8, I didn’t know what condemned means.

When I was 9, I didn’t know I was growing up too early.

When I was 10, I didn’t know that starving myself was a problem.

When I was 11, I didn’t know my father was going to take advantage of my innocence.

When I was 12, I didn’t know what molestation was.

When I was 13, I didn’t know how to say “no” because fear controlled me.

When I was 14, I didn’t know there was hope.

When I was 15, I didn’t know he’d be so calm and not blame me for saying yes.

When I was 16, I didn’t know that he’d still love me.

I didn’t know, but I wish I had....

We were never meant to be

Only everyone used to say

But I always told the world around me that I didn’t feel that way.

I used to say that we were soul mates,

You made for me and I for you.

I used to give you gifts and cards

To remind us that we were kindred spirits.

But in the middle of it all

I never took the time to ask just what you felt.

So because I didn’t know

I have to ask it now; for,

Now it matters how you feel.

Are your feelings for me true?

I know you have a kinda love for me.

But is it deep and altruistic?

I feel that it could never move a mountain.

It could never stick like glue.

And sadly until now I didn’t know

You were never right for me.

I didn’t know

how many stars were in the sky.

I asked someone.

They could’ve told me any number.

Any number passed ten billion,

and I’d have believed them.

Might have been in awe.

Might have looked up to the sky.

But never questioned.

But...

if someone told me a bench had wet paint,

I’d walk over,

and touch it.

Just

to

be

sure.

I didn’t know

how many fish there were in the sea.

I asked someone.

They could’ve told me any number.

Any number passed ten billion,

and I’d have believed them.

Might have been shocked.

Might have commented “wow”.

But never questioned.

But...

if someone told me my shirt was backward,

I’d flip up the front

and look for a tag.

Just

to

be

sure.

Written about a quote... “Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.” - Murphy’s Law

My shadows will eat you

One grey day, a nefarious

Nibble

One decimated dream, a brutish

Bite

One more night by the window, a gargantuan

Gulp

One more always regret, a slow and sealing

Slurp

My shadows, they ate you up

One golden drop at a

Time

The message caught me off guard. "Can we talk?"

I replied quickly with a yes, partially from the excitement of your return and partially because I had to keep the appearance that I wasn't mad. I meant it when I told you I'd never be mad at you, but my recently-found patience was running very very low. I greet you with a GIF, like usual, but I could tell something's wrong. I didn't mention it at first, mainly because I'm afraid to upset you. It leaks out little by little. Me mentioning you being depressed before triggered something, and it made you leave. That part I knew already. I've become good at seeing when you'll vanish before my eyes.

Though I didn't know how much you were hurting. I didn't know how long you'd been hurting. I could see it when you were running to drugs for some clarity. When you told me you overdosed, it pulled me back to tenth grade when a few of my friends kept overdosing because they'd rather be numb than alive. That was the start of my metamorphosis into the caring, patient person that people trust. I had to learn that judging them didn't help as much as listening did. I had to get used to hearing shit that I didn't want to and not reacting badly. In a matter of years, I had learned the art of swallowing my feelings for the sake of others. I only recently learned that that isn't healthy at all.

But, when you come back and tell me what happened, I'm sure you've wondered how I'm so understanding to everything. So, that's how. Always having people falling apart around me helped me know what to say and do when someone's coming apart at the seams. Though, as I've said before, I mean what I tell you. The whole love factor in all those relationships showed me that I eill go REALLY far for someone I care about as far as empathy and support go. Though typing the reason actually sounds sadder than it is, but that's why we don't dwell in the past. All that to say, I don't know why you left or what you're going through or if you're coming back, but I can tell you that I will be here with an assload of gifs and videos to make you laugh and forget all about whatever's been going on.