Sometimes

I want to talk to you

But where’s the you

that

talked to me?

I see you

Stealing a glance

Every now and then

You stay hidden

Behind her long hair;

The kind I never had;

The kind you always loved

And then

she walks up to me

and asks me

to

stop looking

And you both walk past...

your fingers intertwined with hers

But It makes

me wonder:

does she know

you were

looking too?

It's 1pm on a Sunday afternoon and I'm drinking pinot noir straight out of the bottle and there's just nothing left to do but wait, wait for this quarantine to be over. The pinot noir is dribbling down my chin; I wonder if I threw this bottle across the room, would it make a sound? There's no one here but me.

Maybe I can write a letter to myself: dear Alison, don't start drinking before 5pm. Dear Alison, hang up the phone after the man insults you. Dear Alison, don't waste time emailing your deranged mother when she wouldn't even visit you in the psych hospital, all four times.

Maybe I can write a letter to my sister: Dear Stephanie, I'm sorry I was selfish. I'm sorry you feel the need to pursue "healthy relationships." I'm sorry you felt our relationship was a "one way street." I'm sorry I can't remember the rest of your text because I spilled wine all over my phone and then forgot to write a shitty response.

Maybe I can write a letter to the universe: Dear universe, how could you let this happen? One month after I'm released from the psych hospital and I'm locked up again? I'm losing it and unforunately, there are no restraits to pull me back from insanity now.

One month left. One month left to wait. There just aren't enough bottles of pinot noir for this.

So maybe I owe you an apology. But when you called and without any hello, how are you, did you have a good time last Sunday, etc. you just said “I hope you didn’t get the wrong idea about us.”

I’m sorry I told you I didn’t even remember your name so don’t worry I wasn’t thinking about getting serious or trying to seduce you or whatever you thought I was trying to do. It’s just disheartening now to know someone I had just met was so repulsed by me that they felt it necessary to make sure I knew I had no chance and to not even try. It’s like you couldn’t even take any kind of risk that maybe you might like me if we ever really got to know each other.

I know our society is superficial and I’m not exactly that attractive. If that’s the reason you said what you did, then I wish you had just said sorry, but you’re not tall enough or handsome enough or athletic enough.

Of course it would be hypocritical to call you superficial. I am incredibly superficial myself. I know unrealistic idealized concepts of beauty portrayed in the media degrade women; well guess what, they affect guys as well. It makes them think that only women of a certain height and weight can be beautiful. So instead of a looking for a lifelong friend and mate, they hunt for a trophy.

I wish that for just one day I could be incredibly attractive. I would just like to know what it feels like to be adored by everyone I meet. As long as I’m wishing, make it be for a month. Or a year. A year of unconditional love and admiration.

Anyway, I apologize for being rude when you called. It’s just difficult to gracefully accept rejection.

So no, don’t worry. I won’t get the wrong idea about us.

I wake up and

I see the familiar sight

of the back of your head

with my hand reaching out

You keep walking further

Everytime I take a step towards you

Everytime I grasp the tips of your fingers

You retract your hand

You're walking the path of the lonely like me

But you never look back

You're looking for love like me

But you're only looking at what's in front of you

You feel like you wanna be embraced

So you look for a person near you

But you never see my open arms

Waiting to hug you when you're scared

Accept you when you feel undeserving

Catch you're falling

Love you when you need to feel loved

If I stop the time would I be able to reach you

If I stop the time can I stay here holding you

Finally being able to touch you

And grasp you after chasing you for so long

Can you just give me this

Even if it's just for a second

Even if it's just the tips of your fingers

or the edge of your shirt

Stop the time

Can you give me this

even if it's just a glance

Or a look back

Even if it's just a hint of a smile

Stop the time

I promise that I tried. Tried to love you as you loved me, while we grieved him, the man I loved first. He was taken from both of us, first a brother, then a lover. To each he meant something different, in each other we found comfort. There are parts of you, good and true, but you will never be him, as he would have never been you. Smothering this pain is guilt, guilt for all the hurt. I wasn't ready to be alone. In you I tried to find a home and sometimes I think I did. I pretended to want all the things you did. And I hid. I hid the truth of how much I looked at you and thought of him. I hid the truth, that given a different circumstance I don't think I would have chosen you. The logic from the beginning said I wouldn't. The logic from the beginning was solid, but we didn't listen. We wanted, at least I wanted comfort, affection, connection. I didn't want to be alone in this and I was sure, sure you were the only one who'd get it.

I promise it wasn't malicious. I promise I didn't mean to use you. I promise I didn't lie when I said I loved you. I promise I'm sorry for hurting you. I also promise that I'm glad we tried, it was worth a chance. Sometimes chances don't work out. Sometimes there is only the hard way to find out. I promise I want to tell you that I'm sorry for trying at all. That this is my fault.

We know we're both better off. The logic, this time is gonna stick. We are listening. I still miss your love, your touch, but I don't miss us. Hopefully we can be friends, the way we want. I should tell you truth, how I was relieved when we split, how I reach for you out of habit, out of comfort, not out of desire, not to respark the fire. It's to be selfish for myself. It's to not be alone. I promise I won't ask for you back. In a million years, we wouldn't last, not even when I'm better, not even when I move on from your brother, not ever.

P.S. I still love you, just not how you wanted me to, not how I wanted me to.

Sincerely,

Ignorant Hope

When I think about her,

My eyes go all blur,

A thought takes over my mind,

And I become blind...

Blinded by her love,

Ah, so pretty like a dove,

A shoulder to cry on,

A friendship to rely on.

Pampered by her care,

Her warmth so rare,

Strength to hide behind

When fear takes over my mind

Every day she grows a bit older,

But the same strength on her shoulder,

She gets some white hair,

But, smile still full of glare.

God moulded her heart of gold,

She is so caring yet so bold.

She is the shining star in my life,

Not only is she a great mother,

But an excellent wife.

For you Mom, hope you have a happily ever after in your life.

Happy Birthday.

- R.Sapra

Dear metaphorical dad,

thanks for being someone I never had

if only you had come to one softball game

I might’ve hit a home run

but here’s to strike outs and walks

I hope that we still won

Dear metaphorical mom,

thanks for never being wrong

if only you had done my laundry late at night

just in time to wear it to school

but here’s to dirty clothes

I hope that kids aren’t cruel

Dear metaphorical me,

thanks for always being mean to- we?

if only you had loved yourself early on

I might’ve made it further than my brain

but here’s to talking to myself

I hope we’re not insane

_________________________________________

#poetry #letter #metaphor

Hello there other half of me. It's been a few days since I last wrote to you and now I feel like I need to do it again. I don't want to be emotional for one more time but that's how I let my feelings out and I can do nothing about it but write you why I feel sad and why do I have to always be stupid and make bad decisions.

So last time I told you how interested I was for this guy and how much I wanted him and how I was gonna get my answers on something he said. Well I did it, I got my answers and now me and him are a thing and I am so happy about it but at the same time I'm scared to death! You see we only had our 1st date a day before the bad news about staying home come. So we had and amazing first & last date, he was such a beuty and I liked it a lot but...there's always a but with me. Well, we've been talking through camera all these days and I always realize how I miss him, his hugs, his kiss, everything and I end up crying at nights after we close. I can't sleep anymore, my mind is going crazy and I always catching me thinking about the worst things ever! What if he decides that I'm no longer what he needs?, may he is having another one he's talking to?, is this going to work till we finally be able to go out?

Questions and fears I have won't leave just like that! He is the first ever person who cared about me. I mean he tries so hard to help me change a few things on me when my own friends never did that and oh my angels when he says how much I mean to him, I swear if there was a portal through phone camera I would go and I would hug him till I feel alright. Why I can't let myself be happy for once in my life? Because I never had that! My life never was a happy one and when it finally became?! Oh I feel like there's a catch on this one and if everything is just a dream then don't wake me up till all of this is over.

I love him so damn much and everyday I thank the angels for giving a person like him. I just wish he knew how much I care about him and how I want him to be happy!

That's all I had to say other soul of mine. I'll see again when I'll feel like I have to talk to you!

Dear Gina,

What can I say? No, seriously, what? “I’m sorry” isn’t going to cut it, I know.

Still, I’m sorry. You deserve so much better than I can give you, than I’ve ever given you. I hope you know how incredible you are, and that you deserve the world. None of this was ever your fault. If you take nothing else away from this letter, just know that you never did anything wrong. All of the blame goes to me.

You’re probably wondering why I’m writing this to you. Cat would just rip it up as soon as she knew who it was from, and Freya has made her stance pretty clear. Besides, you were the one in the group who had stood by me no matter what, and realising that I hurt you was probably the hardest part of the whole thing. Not that any part of it was easy.

I could explain my reasoning behind it all, but that’s not what this is about. It’s just me saying I’m sorry, and that I hope you have an amazing life. I don’t know if I have the right to call you my squish anymore, but that doesn’t mean I care about you any less.

I’m not trying to get back into your life. Like I said, you deserve so much better than anything I can give you. I just need you to know that I never hated you, or even disliked you at all. Not for a second.

Goodbye,

Alex

I know I'm too selfish to let people go

even though they’re better off without me,

but you have to accept that there are people

who want and need you in their life.

You can’t suddenly just cut them off because what...

they care too much?

or because you dont care enough?

I hope this was worth it and you’re happy.

Because if not...

If you miss me or regret this at all

you can change your mind.

I know you dont believe that we can be fixed, but I do.

And it might take a lot of work and time,

but some things are worth it.

I'm sorry that I was never enough for you

to be worth the effort.

You’re the only who can change things.

You could talk to me if you really wanted.

But you cut me off entirely,

so I dont get that chance.

If you want me back, then please just try.

But if you don't, then don't bother.

For once, I want you to actually want me

to think I'm enough

and worth the risk

instead of only doing things because you assume it's what I want.