Cutting Heart Strings
My heart is tied up in the umbilical cords of my country even though I am sixteen years old. There is this connection within us that is so spiritual, yet it should have been temporary. There is this sense of duty I feel, to honor her sacrifices in life, to live out the dreams that should have been pursued by her own hands.
Mine stretch out towards a different path, one that would be like taking all the diamonds in the world and crushing it into guilty dust right in front of her mines. The thought of the destruction of such an opportunity just splinters the heart all over.
I now hold the diamond in my hand, looking at its beauty under the glow of my word document, open to an assignment that I should have completed long ago. I see how easy it is to destroy something so precious, so incomprehensibly raw, but valuable.
The cord that ties me and my country together is not bound by copper and steel, does not conduct electrical desires and distractions at glance, but rather it is one made of tissues and veins, one of understanding that surpasses language. It is one of expression, of internal gratitude that surpasses language. One cannot simply walk away from a relationship like that.
Sometimes, it is better to walk away, however. Are we content with bearing the burden of responsibility if we receive love in return? Love, although a necessary emotion for survival, requires sacrifice, and some may consider this too much to care for.
It was a Monday when I felt all of this. I was mining coal out of sand and dust, looking for diamonds to make my motherland smile. After a while, her pull became too fierce, and I couldn’t dig for myself anymore.
That was when I cut the cord, and let go. I wished to be liberated by the freedoms of my wishes, rather than imprisoned by the effort it demands.
#lettinggo #patriotism #freedom #liberty
The fist that squeezes your heart
Or the hopes that plague your mind
The fear that burns in your lungs
And the gut-wrenching longing inside
Storing away every word, every action
Holding onto every feeling how do i forget
Every single second choking on cant breathe
Thoughts that you won't let go
if i lose my grip i will fall--
Is more painful than the fall
more painful than forgetting
more painful for your heart
so tell me why I'd take that pain
over forgetting you and letting
The Fool in the Garden
You are the rose I am gripping tightly. Thin beads of blood are snaking down my wrist, but I am too immersed in you. My happiness that is as sure to leave me again as the sun is sure to set. I'd never forget you, never acknowledge that you are making me bleed or that there are salty stains frozen to my cheeks when you go again. I don't want you to leave me, though it's basically inevitable. I dont want you to feel bad but it wont end painlessly anymore. The thorns have found their place in my palm, nicking vital arteries and stopping me from bleeding out in one swift movement. I cling to you because of a fading feeling like the girls I laugh at cling to whatever useless sentient dildo impregnated them. None of my fancy worlds and forced calm demeanor can save me from being a fool that waits around forever for a perennial that will last a winter with her.
She lies awake at night
Staring at the screen
Wondering if the boy she once knew
Would ever come back to her
She waited all day for him
In fact, maybe days
She longs for a “goodnight”
“I love you”
or a “thought about you today, hope you’re well”
Her heart feels heavy
Her thoughts and pain weighing her down
Because she was willing to hold on
As days passed, the weight seems to slowly kill her
She couldn’t take it anymore
“I want to let you go,
so please let me go too.”
Yes, it was painful to let go
But to her,
It was more painful that hanging onto something that’s slowly fading
It was more painful trying to reach out to someone who keeps pushing her away
It was more painful knowing that he doesn’t show that he loves her every day
After letting go,
Her heart feels a little lighter
The pain and misery started to drift away
Yet some of the weight still remains
With memories and the love she once had
But soon enough
Slowly and surely,
Her heart will be free.
At the end of the cliff is a rope.
At the end of the rope is a knife.
At the end of the knife is a girl
holding onto the blade for her life.
The water in her eyes turns the night stars into Van Gough's masterpiece.
The colors dance as her body screams.
Fearing the abyss, she never looks below
though the sound of the waves beckon her to follow.
Her grip grows tighter, the knife grows sharper.
The screaming in her mind blocks out the shouting from her mouth.
And the stars spin and dance like never before
because she's falling... falling... falling...
To the earth's core?
To the ocean floor?
To death's door?
To mercy's shore?
To healing from the war.
When they show you what you’re lacking, and you cannot afford to live without it.
I know that I must have become numb
and lost all feeling
Because I still remember the day that my friends came over
(I owe it to my friends–all of my healing)
And they heard my mother, who, unaware of their presence
Accused me of stealing
Snacks at midnight, of hoarding food and eating it alone–
And when I walked out to see them
They told me that I looked beautiful
They handed me a flower, and said I was like the stem.
The strong pillar beneath that becomes a blooming bud
I felt warmth and safety, and that heat
that melted my heart, that kindness that feels sweet
at first, that relief at knowing that someone out there
can still love you, can see you for who you are and for that reason care–
My face was unaccustomed to smiling;
my armor unaccustomed to feeling flower petals
raining from the sky.
I had no clue that people who claimed to care about me
could even be tender–
If this was what a support system was, then I could fly.
––Leaving and forgetting my childhood home became easy.
#growingpains #eatingdisorder #triggerwarning #friendsaregifts @ColdRamen