It's been a while since I've tried writing the loneliness out of my soul.

but how do I stop feeling so alone?

can I cage up the feeling somewhere away from my bones

so I can breathe easy again without the voice in my head saying

"you don't deserve to be loved" and "you'll never have anyone to hold"

because it's true, and i feel bad when i look at you,

and when i hold you my hands are full of apologies,

selfishly not wanting to be empty, but in the end we let go.

we always let go and i'm always alone and i want to be free

of wanting to be otherwise. i want to stop being so restless on my own at night,

pleading with whoever's on the moon to give me someone too,

hoping for friends and for something more and for love that will forgive me for wanting it too much,

for desiring what i don't deserve, for a soft voice that will say, "it's okay. i want to love you anyway."

but i'll settle for nights that don't feel so cold; i just want to feel okay on my own,

no tears slipping down my cheeks when all i want is to sleep.

i want to stop feeling empty, i wish my bones would know they're home -

i am my own safe place. i want to be alright. at night i clutch a pillow to my chest so tight

it's like i am trying to squeeze my heart numb.

the world gets dark for everybody.

i’ve been realizing that these past couple of nights,

walking across the football field, 

getting into the car,

on the way home.

but since you entered my life,

just this wednesday,

and we’ve been talking and laughing

in the bright kitchen,

sharing apples past midnight,

like we’re not tired of the world,

i realized that i was wrong.

for some people, the lights stay on.

i do not know

who or why i am.

i have tried my luck,

and done my best.

i think that it is enough

to know what life is like.

i think that

we were all

meant for death.

not because

death

is a grand thing.

but life is.

and death is

the end

which allows life

to begin somewhere else.

maybe

the grandeur of life

is lent to it

by the cloak of death.