You are my best friend

Now you’re on your death bed

Been with me since I was seven

You’re not even eleven

I’m not ready to let you go

So you keep on fightin’

I can see the pain in your eyes

You can barely keep your guise

You were there for me in my darkest times

Now you have to hold your pain inside

You’re dying and I don’t know what to do without you

I keep praying to God that you’ll be fine

I can barely hold my tears back

We don’t even have your results yet

You are my dearest pet

You may only be a cat

But I love you more than my life

Don’t you ever forget that

If you depart from home

If we have to let you go

I just want you to know

I won’t let you die feeling alone

I’ll remain by your side

Crying, holding you until you’re gone

Now the day has come

Results came in, the diseases won

Bear, we had a lot of fun

I hate that our time is done

I knew you wouldn’t live forever

But I didn’t think your time had come

I’m not ready for you to leave

You mean everything to me

I hate that you are sufferin’

Wish this was just a bad dream

When I die I hope I see you

Sitting at the pearly gates waiting for me

"Dang, dude. You're killin' it out there

You're gettin' faster and faster, though you may not care,

I seriously think you could be an elite

If you become more dedicated in your runs each week.

You have really picked up speed

Maybe you could even be an Olympian"

Okay, I see my career should be in runnin'

Go to college, get on the track team

Work hard 'til the whole team is behind me

So I dedicate myself to my runs, givin' each mile all that I got

This is my destiny: no way it's not

Don't know how, Lord, but I'll do it to the glory of God

"I see you like flying, listen close

You can become a pilot for real cheap if you join the Civil Air Patrol

Could even join the Airforce

Higher rank, get out real quick, fly commercially

You won't believe what the starting pay will be"

Okay, okay, I see

God's lookin' out for me

Planning on putting me in a job that will pay a lot of money

Hol' up though

What if running's the route He wants me to go?

What if He doesn't want me flying commercially?

What if He wants me in the Airforce?

Does He want me to be prepared for war?

Give my life, posthumously get the medal of honor?

I appreciate the encouragement

But all of these paths, careers, and expectations are screwing with my head

Sometimes they make me think I'm better off dead

All of these expectations are going to crush me

I'm trying to live up to everything you want me to be

As I lay awake at night

My thoughts racing, berating, hating, questioning what choice I'm making

Which career path is right

I hate the uncertainty of my future

I hate this pressure

Don't know my next step

Pray to God to get these thoughts out my head

I hate thinking about the future

I don't want to think about the future

Wish my future was certain

Wish my future was predetermined

I need some guidance

Losing sleep at night as

I think about my future

I need to figure out my future

"Woah, woah, woah. No wonder you want to pursue a career in writing

This story is riveting

I'm guessing that you'll have no problem publishing the first book you write

If you released a book, I just might

Go ahead and buy it"

Thanks, means a lot

Been writing since I was a tot

Always been a dream of mine

To write books and post stories online

Living the good life

With a good wife

In a big home

Writing books alone

In my office, glasses on the edge of my nose

Keeping readers on their toes

Producing three books a year

It's always been my dream career

So thanks for letting me know

My work really shows

"You wrote this? Can't believe it

Do you plan on pursuing a career in music?

These are great, bro

Get a beat, get a flow

And there's no way you won't be widely known"

Thanks. I don't think my songs are that great

But if it's my fate

I'll be more than happy touring the country

Singing songs about my struggles. They really help me

Get through my lowest and darkest times

Expressing in these lines

All of my worries, fears, and struggles

But, wait... what about running? What about flying?

Which careers are mine and which ones are lying

Trying to get me to stray away from what I should be?

I appreciate the encouragement

But all of these paths, careers, and expectations are screwing with my head

Sometimes they make me think I'm better off dead

All of these expectations are going to crush me

I'm trying to live up to everything you want me to be

As I lay awake at night

My thoughts racing, berating, hating, questioning what choice I'm making

Which career path is right

I hate the uncertainty of my future

I hate this pressure

Don't know my next step

Pray to God to get these thoughts out my head

I hate thinking about the future

I don't want to think about the future

Wish my future was certain

Wish my future was predetermined

I need some guidance

Losing sleep at night as

I think about my future

I need to figure out my future

"If God called you to go somewhere else, would you go?

Would you go to a foreign country or would you stay at home?

God's got a plan for us all

Are you going to answer His call?

Even if it means giving up everything you know?

Or are you just gonna say no?"

Yeah, I would go wherever He wants me to go

Nate Saint has always been someone I looked up to

Working towards my pilots license, hoping to get that soon

So if God wants me to be a missionary aviator

That's something I'd do: it ain't out of the picture

"What are your dreams, kid, what do you wanna do

When you're out of highschool?

Are you planning on going to college?

Expand your knowledge

Get a degree

You'd be doin' better than me"

I wanna write, I wanna rap, I wanna fly, I wanna run, I wanna be a missionary

I don't wanna be another guy stuck in a factory

But I'm having a hard time deciphering between my dreams and what everyone expects from me

I wanna make an impact

I want people to look back

Be able to say

"Caleb? Yeah, he was a good guy"

I don't necessarily need to be famous

Not everyone needs to know what my name is

But I want to be remembered for doing something important

I'm meant for something bigger than this

Problem is that I don't know what that is

Because I don't know what path I'm supposed to take

Getting pulled every which way

What am I supposed to do? I don't want to make a mistake

Rubbing my hands over my face

Demons yelling, telling me I'm a disgrace

I'm running through a maze

Everyone's telling me my path's straight

Why am I the only one that sees it ain't?

I'm seventeen, I have a year to make a decision

That will determine the life I'm livin'

If I don't plan ahead

I'll end up in a job that's a dead end

So I sit and stress instead

"You could do this, you could do that

This is something you are good at"

Keep on telling me my potential

My demons laugh as they break down my mental

Cry out to God

What do You want!?

Every time I scream this to Him it seems

Like He ignores and just reminds me of all my dreams

I don't know what any of this means

Hundreds of doors open, I can only go through one

I just wanna be done

I just wanna have fun

But I can't meet everyone's expectations

I know that the decision is mine

That this is my life

That I should pursue my dream career

But I fear

My dreams and expectations have merged

And now I have to look through this mess

And figure out what my future is

Sitting in the kitchen, hanging with my family

Laughing, cracking jokes; they make me so happy

But I walk away from the table and now I feel empty

I just wanna cry

I been reminiscing all day, thinking about those who have passed

Thinking about Bear and Dan because we had a blast

Wishing I could turn back time and live in the past

Time just flew by

I want to be alone but I want a hug

I want someone to notice but I don’t want to speak up

I hold it inside but I don’t want to erupt

I don’t know why

I have no motivation so I lie in my room

Instead of doing what I love I begin to think through

The past, my life, and my inevitable doom

I’m not ready to die

I didn’t feel like this until two days ago

What caused this; I’m not sure I know

I feel empty and I don’t know what to do

I just want to be alone

I've got a few questions, and I know You have the answers

I've meditated on it, but I know You can get it faster

Thought about it, tried to think deep

But the only time I have for introspection is right before I go to sleep

I've prayed to You for guidance, now it's time I get specific

You've got a plan for me, and I don't want to miss it

The Devil's tricky like Loki he likes to delve in mischief

He'll do anything to lead me to a mis-step

By now, it's clear, I'm going to be a pilot

I'm holding onto that dream with a tight grip

Now I'm stuck in a predicament

I'm praying to ask for some wisdom from Your omniscience

Recently I have been hit

With some choices, and I'm left indecisive

Am I being called to the missions field?

With You as my shield

I'm not closed to the idea, and I'll go if needed

Next choice I'll need to complete a

Lot of schooling, but that's not a problem

The Air Force is quite appealing

Serve the country, wear a uniform, and try my hand in leading

My problem with it is the years it takes just to gain entry

Whereas I could go to school for three years and then fly commercially

Whatever I do, I want to do it for You

No matter what I choose, I can still glorify You through it

But I don't want to make a wrong decision

And find out I had wasted potential when I get to Heaven

There's my prayer for guidance

Please help me choose the path You want me in

And in Your precious Name I pray, Amen

I have a fear of abandonment

I know that I wouldn’t be able to handle it if

Someone left me; I can’t be left alone

So I hold on tightly to the friends I have and make new ones sparingly

I thought the feelings would fade, but now that I’m older the weight on my shoulders seems to have grown

I fight to have courage, but I’m a coward and not what I dare to be

No matter how many times you say you’ll be there for me

I’ll still fear that one day something I say will play a role in us parting ways, so desperately

I cling to you to you in hopes that you’ll stay

My fear has no weight, but I stay up late and lay

In bed, thoughts racing through my head, pondering my mistakes and if you’ll be there when I’m lying in a casket

I’m clingy, I’ll never leave your side, though I try to mask it

My thoughts are toxic, they tear me to pieces

They beat me down and keep me fearing your leaving is nearing; it never ceases

I don’t know why I keep sipping this poison they offer

They have me convinced that they are the author of my future

But the Hell they show me is not what I desire

Fear grips me by the throat like thorns to a flower

I feel like I have no power

I feel like everyone I love is waiting to leave me

My wicked, twisted thoughts continue to deceive me

Abandoned and left for granted, I don’t think I can take the pain

I’m delirious for fearing this, so I call on God’s name

Living, loving, losing, there is no choosing life’s next twist

Hiding and confiding in isolation, I can’t find peace of mind

Living, loving, losing, I’ll keep choosing to hide

If I love you, I have something to say to you

But I just can’t bring myself to

A confession of addiction, an affliction that’s been with me for too many years

A talk of salvation, a conversation among the chiefest of my fears

Unexplainable feelings of love and a hope that they’re supported by our God above

An explanation for my hiding and how I just need your love and a hug

A talk of my heart and if it will ever start to heal from the loss of my beloved pet

The inevitable confession to the love of my life I haven’t yet met

A letter of regret about how I wasn’t entirely truthful about being better

But this fear of abandonment stops me from doing this, thinking that you’ll leave me and be bitter

I’m still heart broken and unprepared for loss, so I haven’t dared to come clean and talk

This lack of trust in my friends and family is holding me back in my life’s walk

Abandoned and left for granted, I don’t think I can take the pain

I’m delirious for fearing this, so I call on God’s name

Living, loving, losing, there is no choosing life’s next twist

Hiding and confiding in isolation, I can’t find peace of mind

Living, loving, losing, I’ll keep choosing to hide

I’ve been hiding for too long

Lost in gloom, yet again I’m confiding in a song

I best express my thoughts late at night in rhyme

I confide in these lines but they only help for a brief period of time

I have come to find that the solace they provide is empty and temporary

But the only other option is opening up, and I find it scary

So I’m wary to proceed, but it’s obviously the deed God wants from me

To be freed from this fear I have so needlessly

So when I’m abandoned, which I still can’t bear to let happen, I guess you weren’t a friend in the first place

But I love you; and your friendship cannot be replaced

I don't know if I should leave this up or not... I may take it down. But I'm going to sleep on it first.

What did I do?

Did I hurt you?

Am I a piece of trash?

Do I deserve all of this outlash?

I feel like all I did was love you

Now you got me questioning like what did I do?

Is it jealousy? 'Cause I've done nothing of merit

I say "hey" and you get ticked off, and, man, I just can't bear it

Is it something I said? Is it something I did?

Or is there nothing I can do to rid

You of this attitude you greet me with?

Just go ahead, shoot me and leave me in a ditch

Every time you're nice, I wince and wait for the switch

Try to be me, and you tell me to stop

Tell a joke, then I feel like I'm 'bout to get shot

You act as if I'm a PlayStation

But you can't control me, which causes you irritation

Like I'm eczema or some other skin condition

I come before you with the humblest contrition

For a mistake that's far out of my vision

Unless you've made hating me your life's mission

I just want to fix us

But I can't when I don't know what's betwixt us

I feel like all I ever did was love you

But all that reciprocates is hate from you

What did I do?

Did I hurt you?

Am I a piece of trash?

Do I deserve all of this outlash?

I feel like all I did was love you

Now you got me questioning like what did I do?

Is it my existence? There's not much I can do to fix that

I'm not going to kill myself to stop receiving your attacks

I'm not sorry, and I'm not going to take that back

Because you always look at me with that spiteful glance

I try to be nice, but you don't give me the chance

I've got my own problems, but you probably don't care

But you always act as if--know what? I won't go there

I just don't fricken understand what I did wrong

And, yeah, I blame myself even in this stupid song

Like, it's gotta be me that's the problem, right?

I'm the whole reason we always fight

I'm the one to blame for the sleep I'll be losing tonight

I'm trying to hold onto the fragments of what we once had

But you act as if I'm some sort of freaking Chad

But I'm still here, trying to put everything back

Every attempt to have a good time is futile

So I'll just hide in my room for a while

I feel like all I ever did was love you

You hate me? Cool, I hate me too

What did I do?

Did I hurt you?

Am I a piece of trash?

Do I deserve all of this outlash?

I feel like all I did was love you

Now you got me questioning like what did I do?

(Questioning like what did I do?)

(What did I do?)

Looking around at some of these families hurts. Why can't we have a relationship like that? I understand that no brother and sister get along perfectly, but this unreciprocated love hurts. I love you, man.

Life's looking up for little ol' me

Been a while since I felt this happy

My joy is back

Got God to thank for that

I'm more confident than I've ever been

I can feel my joy seeping through my pen

No shame, no fear, no guilt weighing down on my shoulders

God loosed me from the boulders

That hung from my neck and pulled me down

Just when I thought I was going to drown

I shot up like a ball

And God caught me in my fall

I feel like everything is going my way

I find myself wishing my future was today

I don't dread it like I did in the past

With God's help, I know I'll last

Through the tough times, through the low times

Easy and high times, I'll be able to honestly say that I'm fine

I just feel so happy and optimistic

About the future, about the present

I feel comfortable in my skin

I don't feel like a monster trying to blend in

I grappled with addiction, but I gave it to God

Fearing being left, but knowing it was my next step, I came clean to my friends

It was hard, it hurt, but I knew it was what needed to happen in order to stop

I wish I could have met some of them in person, because I know there would have been tears shed

This last year has been transformative

Fighting for freedom, getting over someone, repairing a relationship

Learning that I don't need to keep everything bottled up inside

That I have friends and a Comforter in whom I can confide

Loving parents who are more supportive than I could have ever imagined

Looking back, I never thought that this could happen

I don't feel like I'm undeserving of being happy

I feel free to be me

I feel free

I know this verse has been quoted in music too much

But I got that joy down in my heart

Yeah, me and God won't ever part

He plotted the course on my chart

Time to fly into His embrace

No more shame when I look into His face

No more guilt when I go to pray

Can't express it all so I'll just say

I got that joy down in my heart

Life still isn't perfect, and I still blame myself

But you just gotta push that pessimistic voice into the depths of Hell

You don't have to feel guilty because you have joy

The voices telling you that need to be destroyed

Sure, it's easier said than done

But with God on your side the victory is sure as won

Life will never be perfect, and there's still things I'm working on

But count your victories and deal with the rest as they come

Fixing up your life takes a lot of effort

And for the last year, I've been putting in the work

I'm on the other side now

I feel invincible, like nothing could tear me down

I was boiling over with joy the other day

It's nice to be overflowing with happiness because you woke up that way

There's no inner turmoil

I just have peace that seems incapable of being spoiled

I'm closer to God than I've ever been, and there's still room to get closer

He's laid down His path for me, so I'm just going to keep moving forward

I no longer feel undeserving of being happy

I feel free to be me

I feel free

I know this verse has been quoted in music too much

But I got that joy down in my heart

Yeah, me and God won't ever part

He plotted the course on my chart

Time to fly into His embrace

No more shame when I look into His face

No more guilt when I go to pray

Can't express it all so I'll just say

I got that joy down in my heart

I'm sick of writing all these sad songs

Though it's nice to have a place to go to when you feel you've done something wrong

Or you need a place to vent when eruptions

Break out from your bottled up emotions

It's nice to be able to place

My thoughts in this safe space

But I used it as an outlet

Instead of talking about it

Opening up was freeing

I wonder what was keeping me from seeing

The path that led to my healing

Though I wish I could go back and keep some things

From happening

These storms and trials were the only way

To shape me into the man I am today

Not the song I set out to write, but I am happy with how it turned out. It is inspired by classic rock and roll, particularly Hound Dog by Elvis. It’s a high BPM song with an upbeat tune. The lyrics are a little sarcastic to show that he is lying in saying that he is fine. The song ends in half time (likely the wrong terminology, but you catch my meaning) for a more candid look into what’s floating through his head. If I can find the inspiration to write the song I wanted to write, you’ll see what I mean, so be on the lookout for another song. I’ll stay up until midnight writing it if I have to, lol.

Monday through Friday, I’m working nine to five

Working for a living, yeah, I’ve got to stay alive

Oh, no, baby, in that time, I’ve got nothing on my mind

You’d be impressed with how I deal with my stress

I’m at my best when I’m hard pressed

Oh, I never lose focus, and my head is clear

Why would I ever lie to you, my dear?

Oh, don’t worry, honey it’s just my weekend blues

Throughout the week, I’m fine, but about this time, there’s nothing I can do

Oh, don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

Don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

When I’m at home, I’m enthralled with you

You’re the best, I can’t keep my mind off you

Oh, no, baby, I’ve got nothing to hide, nothing on my mind

No, I’m not acting funny, not playing hard to get

Don’t worry ’bout me, I’ll be in bed before ten

Oh, I said that it’s nothing, and my head is clear

Why would I ever lie to you my dear?

Oh, don’t worry, honey it’s just my weekend blues

Throughout the week, I’m fine, but about this time, there’s nothing I can do

Oh, don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

Don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

When I’m awake, I’m alright, my dear

Everything is fine, you have nothing to fear

Oh, no, baby, I’m calm inside, nothing's on my mind

No, I’m not bitter, I’m just sparkly as glitter

You don’t need to bother, ’cause I’m warm as winter

Oh, I said that I’m fine, and my head is clear

Why would I ever lie to you my dear?

Oh, don’t worry, honey it’s just my weekend blues

Throughout the week, I’m fine, but about this time, there’s nothing I can do

Oh, don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

Don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

Oh, don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

I said, don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

Oh, don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

Don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

It’s just my weekend blues

My weekend blues

Oh, baby, I’m fine

So don’t you mind

The vacant stare in my eyes

You’re so accustomed to

This new way I look at you

You know that it’s not true

But I’m stuck in this pensive mood

Trying to find the right thing to do

You’re asking me questions, but getting no answers

As you hurt, you understand me better

I’m searching for truth

While losing my youth

I feel powerless, like there’s nothing I can do

But don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

The emphasis in the outro here is the line “You’re asking me questions, but getting no answers/As you hurt, you understand me better.” This shows what he is going through. He has questions, he is looking for answers, but he is coming up empty. He thought he knew what God’s will was, but now he is unsure. The suspense and lack of an answer is killing him, causing him to wrestle with it all the time. He’s losing focus, he feels like he’s losing his sanity, and he just can’t escape the hurt. He feels forsaken, but he’s still searching. Looking for truth, even though it has taken him longer than he wants it to. He knows God will answer, but he’s losing heart.

This is not as good as Weekend Blues, but here it is. I’m not sure if I will keep the chorus all five times, because that is a lot of chorus, but, for now, that is how it is staying. I probably won’t actually get it produced until I’m 47 anyways. The chorus is pretty good, though, in my opinion. The rest I feel could be better.

My thoughts were racing

I couldn’t focus on what anyone was saying

So I asked You to bring order to the chaos

And tell my thoughts to lay off

When my thoughts began to dwell

You didn’t seem to offer any help

You gave me a pull

I had no clue what to do, but my heart was full

Hollow and empty, you can see it in my eyes

Holding onto my last hope as I’m trying not to cry

I feel hurt and forsaken

For how long it’s taken

To get an answer to this question

That You put in my mind

God, can You hear me? You’ve left me in the dark

I don’t know how much longer I can last in this swimming pool of sharks

My thoughts increased

They attacked me like some savage beast

So I followed where I knew You were leading

Without knowing Your meaning

I found what You wanted to transpire

And now it’s my one desire

To get back to that moment

And learn what You would like to have happen

Hollow and empty, you can see it in my eyes

Holding onto my last hope as I’m trying not to cry

I feel hurt and forsaken

For how long it’s taken

To get an answer to this question

That You put in my mind

God, can You hear me? You’ve left me in the dark

I don’t know how much longer I can last in this swimming pool of sharks

My thoughts still wander

And oft I think about her

I wonder why You had us meet

It wasn’t chance, and yet I can’t seem to see what You want it to be

The longer I wait for her letter

My head grows further from better

Is she a friend?

Or was it nothing that’s messing with my head?

Hollow and empty, you can see it in my eyes

Holding onto my last hope as I’m trying not to cry

I feel hurt and forsaken

For how long it’s taken

To get an answer to this question

That You put in my mind

God, can You hear me? You’ve left me in the dark

I don’t know how much longer I can last in this swimming pool of sharks

I prayed long and hard to find her again

Then I did, just as I asked for it to happen

I followed Your lead

I listened to what You were telling me

I followed Your call

But now I feel like I’ve lost it all

Did You send her to me to take her away?

I’m trying to stay hopeful, but I’m losing faith

Hollow and empty, you can see it in my eyes

Holding onto my last hope as I’m trying not to cry

I feel hurt and forsaken

For how long it’s taken

To get an answer to this question

That You put in my mind

God, can You hear me? You’ve left me in the dark

I don’t know how much longer I can last in this swimming pool of sharks

I have lost all focus

Every second is hoping

My prayer has been answered

That I got a letter

That I know why You sent her

That I’ll see Your will better

But I’m left feeling blind

Feeling alone with all this conflict inside

Hollow and empty, you can see it in my eyes

Holding onto my last hope as I’m trying not to cry

I feel hurt and forsaken

For how long it’s taken

To get an answer to this question

That You put in my mind

God, can You hear me? You’ve left me in the dark

I don’t know how much longer I can last in this swimming pool of sharks