Lust vs. Jealousy
Welcome to Purgatory, I’m Lust or at least I think I am Lust. It’s funny actually. Blonde hair, big blue eyes, and alabaster skin of mine make me look like the uke in a yaoi or the protagonist in a Magical Girl Anime, the one that’s all light and cute not the western knockoff. We don’t speak of the trashy knock off. That’s saying something from the Avatar of Lust. The Avatar of Pride is a bigger objectifier than me and that’s really saying something. Jealousy loves to complain and filet herself. Gluttony is surprisingly skinny. I think all the food goes to her boobs. Greed is a mooch and never good with money. Wrath is a set of twins you don’t want to get in the middle of when they get into a fight. Sloth couldn’t wake up if you let her. I just get bounced around between all of them.
“Man prom episodes in today’s cartoons are boring.” I said to no one in particular.
I’m an Avatar of Lust. I like my waifus or husbandos to be of legal consent. Watching two googly eyed teens repeat the plot of Footloose for the uneducated masses is like going to college and coming out with an Idiot Degree. Jealousy’s eyes widened. Her half shaved head turned my way. She yanked me off the couch by the toga. Mounds of fat glared in my face. Oh yeah, that was her face.
“Do you have a problem with any romantic leanings? Well do you, punk?” she threatened out of nowhere.
I held my hands up in surrender. Jealousy used to be a babe before she let the jealousy of social media get to her. Too many classes on Critical Bias Theory and a couple hater theory tumblers later she shaved half her head. She left hair in places that should REALLY get shaved. Then poured her squishy body into clothes that make her look like an ice cream cone in traction. She was a little old for pigtails but the hairy side of her head had two plushy pigtails. One in front and one in back.
“Dude, what are you talking about?” I asked.
“If you hate proms then you’re a hypocrit.” she growled out.
I don’t speak whatever language comes with angry woman sometimes. Oftentimes Jealousy did things that baffled me. She dyed her hair a cocktail of neon colors. She always put her nose in the air. She could’ve looked cute if she took care of herself but those beady black eyes were in a permanent squint beneath giant eyebrows.
“Well you’re right, my boyfriend dumped me at my prom when he became prom king then I got to have sexy fun times with his prom date.” I confessed nonchalantly. I rubbed my fingernails on my toga. One arm behind my head to pillow it. The other I studied my nails like it was no big deal. “Oh sure my now EX-boyfriend will never look at his stickshift ever again but I hope he thinks of me whenever he switches into gear.”
“GASP!” Jealousy cried out.
Jealousy dot e-x-e went blue screen. Lust and Jealousy do not get along when one side has to call the other ugly in order to make themselves feel good. It’s like calling one body type just right enough to be modestly ugly and the other side too pretty to be acceptably sociable. Yet the same can also be true about bad attitudes.
“Don’t worry, I’m sure your prom cartoons aren’t just a hate watch because you didn’t get what you wanted at your prom,” I fake-soothed, “At least your prom wasn’t the opening introduction to Chaly McClain’s song “Whose Cheating Who”. You know the chorus is great, works for all kinds of romantic leanings if your relationships go wrong enough.”
“Oh my gosh, you’re depressing,” Jealousy seethed, “I’m going to watch paint dry.”
Jealousy stormed out at a super-speed waddle. I stretched out on the rest of the couch.
“You know reading a book is better,” I announced, “OW!”
The book Jealousy threw at me konked my nose. I opened it up. It was Twilight. Well I guess everyone has their guilty pleasures. Once she was gone, I dove under the couch to pull out the perfect movie.
“Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion! Sweet!” I cheered, only to see the other movie, “Aw man!”
. . . I forgot I had Helpful Hearts Waifu-chan hidden from everyone else to enjoy by myself.
Are there any stories that actually paint a good picture of the Seven Deadly Sins? I think not. Every time our writer gets dark ideas in that pretty brain it takes a creative degree of . . . uh . . . bologna barding to make it an acceptable form of entertainment. Of course the Seven Deadly Sins aren't nice. They're sins and in pergatory we have vices that are names for our strengths.
For example, Wrath actually did get in trouble with Greed. It doesn't make sense does it? Greed usually gets along with everybody on the surface but like jealousy and Lust, Wrath and Greed have an extra ingredient involved that made their lives a living circus. It all started outside of Purgatory. All three used to work for a charity.
Now to be fair Greed doesn't always involve money, it can covet anything. Attention Whore, friends or political favor. Greed's favorite app was instagram. He was home and worked in an exotic country called Exotica. Wrath twins came from the country Afieldid. In the instagram pictures the story looked rather nice. Three friends helping people. Problem is the Afieldids came from a race of Space Invaders. The Exotics ran a hefty tourist trade. What made Greed worse was he didn't just whore himself out for praise, he whored himself out to bullies who loved picking on the Twins of Wrath.
Ms. Wrath was the older twin by about a minute, she saw bullies, shove Lil'Wrath into the dirt and saw red. She pushed the bullies into the ground yelling, "Leave my brother alone!"
She pinned them down just in time for Greed and his popular fans to show up. The Clique Critics only took one look at Lil'Wrath and Ms. Wrath was on top of the Bully. Lil'Wrath told the Clique Critics they were hurting someone. Yet all they saw was Ms. Wrath attack the Bully. So, the Clique Critics did what would be normal to do for the misinformed.
"Ms. Wrath you must apologize for being horny," said the Clique Critic.
Ms. Wrath looked like she'd been told to embarass herself. Now let's be honest here, no one should have to apologize for the dark past of their race especially when they themselves had ancestors that did evil deeds. It wasn't Ms. Wrath's fault her ancestors were succubuses. That made the Clique Critics now be racist, sexist, and some kind of bias-phobic for crying out loud. What sexuality is a Succubus? Hentai-sexual? Kinky-sexual? The Wrath twins even have moutain sheep horns growing out of their hair. They haven't been Succubus in years though I will admit Ms. Wrath is sexy enough to make me straight. Amazons are hot.
"You heard them," harrumphed Greed, "Apologize for being Horny."
"Not if you apologize for being a liar," Ms. Wrath growled, "I'm never horny."
So says the great, great, great, great, virgin granddaughter of a space alien succubus. Instead of apologize, Greed got greedy for attention.
"Look at her, she's sexually harrassing somebody!" Greed yelled out.
Oh boy. This is why I don't like Greed. Everyone started whispering to themselves and in a few weeks rumors started flying around. Ms. Wrath had become a Pariah framed for sexual assault. Every time they went to ask Ms. Wrath for the truth she curled her upper lip.
"Greed has to apologize for being a liar," she said every time.
Then they'd come over to Greed.
"Is this true?" they asked Greed.
Greed instead made up wild stories. He was greedy for privilege and he knew he could get it by playing the victim. At one point, it got so bad that every time the Wrath twins entered a room, all the Exotics gave them a wide berth. The crowd stayed on the outside of a twenty foot space bubble. Over the years the space bubble got bigger. It got to the point where the bullies harrassed the Wrath twins because they knew no one was going to stop them.
One day things got bad. A drought hit and the charity didn't have enough food to hand to anyone. Now the Wrath twins would have been good help if they weren't driven out of all the tents. Yet the straw broke the camel's back and Mice had got into the grains. The Clique Critics made Greed go get the Wrath twins for help. I feel quite touched by Lil'Wrath.
Greed approached Lil'Wrath thinking he'd get away scot free.
"Hey Lil'Wrath," spoke up Greed, "Can I have some help."
Be mean to someone long enough then your chances for mercy are nil. Lil'Wrath narrowed his eyes.
"Come on, I'm trying to make a good impression." hissed Greed.
Lil'Wrath let a smile light up his face. He was a kid on Christmas. He gaily put out his hoof. He wiggled those muddy toes.
"Wash my feet Greed," said Lil'Wrath.
"No!" yelled Greed.
"Then I'll leave," shrugged Lil'Wrath.
"Okay! Okay! I'll do it!" snapped Greed.
It is an embarrassing sight to hate one's self so much that they're willing to debase themselves for brownie points as if to say, "Look see? I'm a good boy."
Lil'Wrath added, "Wash with your tongue."
Yeah the Wrath twins weren't good either, Lil'Wrath had been stewing in anguish for weeks, you might as well let anchovies go bad in your stinky socks. So, Greed licks Lil'Wrath's feet. He's bent over in his expensive outfit, crawling through the mud like a pig, and getting dirty. Lil'Wrath walks back to where the Clique Critics are watching. Then plants his hoof on Greed's head. His face squished into mud with a nice squelch.
"Now, you and I are going to have a little chat!" Lil'Wrath growled, he stomped on Greed's head during every exclamation point, "Your people bullied me! My sister defended me! The biggest liar is you! Now say you're a liar."
"No!" yelled Greed.
"Say you're a liar!" yelled Lil'Wrath.
Lil'Wrath smashed Greed's head.
"I'm," Greed choked, "I'm a liar."
"Now say you're sorry!" Lil'Wrath snarled with a stomp.
"Say you're sorry you're a liar!" Lil'Wrath snapped.
Lil'Wrath almost popped Greed's head open under-hoof only to get blindsided by a punch to the face. It was Ms. Wrath to the rescue! Fists went swinging. She pinned her brother down just like she pinned down the bully. Ms. Wrath went to check on Greed. Greed was so broken he could only say one thing.
"I'm sorry I'm a liar. I'm sorry I'm a liar. I'm sorry I'm a liar." Greed coughed out.
"Brother you fool! I've already forgiven him," she snapped.
"But he was horrible," Lil'Wrath protested.
Ms. Wrath sighed, "Save your wrath for the deserving because stupid as stupid does and we cannot stop the stupid from being stupid."
Lil'Wrath roared in protest, "I will kill that sonnofa pig!"
His hoof came stomping down. Murder is tried by public execution in the Country of Exotica. Death wouldn't bother Lil'Wrath but watching his sister die alone did about break him. Ms. Wrath has a temper herself. The Wrath Twins are forever fighting over whether the person who wronged them deserves forgiveness or not.
Which brings us back to the apartment complex inside Mt. Struggle. I was busy trying to buy something healthy when Greed showed up with all of his Kindness Coins. The cafeteria here has all kinds of foods and goods. You can get what you need with Kindness Coins. You can get what you Crave with Spite Coins. I hate Greed. He always hoards both. He's the most advantaged man in Purgatory.
"Say Greed, could I trade you one hentai for your ice cream?" I asked, not wanting to lose my money. I needed to save enough to ask the Landlord Wisdom a question.
"I'm sorry I'm a liar," Greed denied and started hoarding all the rocky road.
Yeah the last words Lil'Wrath beat into him are all he can say anymore.