Dear Polar Bear,
It is unknown when you will read this, perhaps in an hour after I make it available to be read, perhaps in a few days.
I wanted the first letter in this book to be dedicated to you. You are the love of my life and I mean that.
I know parents often say that we're only kids and that we won't last but I know better... I feel it in my soul when I think of you. We're meant to last.
The reason why most young couples, and even older couples, don't last is they give up. They stop fighting for each other and fight against each other instead. Instead of it being A and B as a team working against the problem to solve it... It's A tearing into B, and B tearing into A, as the problem sits back, props up their feet, and watches the love fade.
You have so many young relationships and you look around and see society has normalized cheating. You can't go into a store without seeing a revealing picture of someone. And it catches your eye and you worship that image. And society normalizes and even encourages it. It leads you to cheat on the one who is supposed to be your only... and it leaves them scarred and scared to ever open up again.
You and I both know the feeling of being cheated on my dear... And it kills me because I know we both put these walls up to protect ourselves from such pain. But there's a little thing, that makes me know you won't betray me like that... And I share the same little thing with you that might give you hope that I wouldn't betray you like that... And it's a perception.
You and I, we see this world differently from others... We are different from others... There's no doubt about that. And I say that because of these little things you do to avoid looking at other girls and women in general... Little things I never expect you to do. You threw out an entire collection of movies, your favorite movies, after we started talking, because you didn't want to see any other girl or woman in appropriate clothing, much less innappropriate clothing... Because, the only girl you wanted to see was me. Little ole me. The me who sees herself as dull and wears all those baggy clothes so that everyone ignores and forgets her... The me who never wanted attention because I was only used to bad attention... That's the girl you wanted to see... A girl who was so insecure that she tried to convince you to hate her so you wouldn't be disappointed when you got to know her more. You unsubscribed to ESPN during certain times of the year so you wouldn't get notifications with pictures of models in swim suits.
And the little unexpected thing is... I have done similar things. Such as throwing out a book because of a scene where someone takes a bath... Such as refusing to watch any movies with shirtless guys in them (which I've done all my life before you even came along but still).
And I've done those and more, because I feel like looking at anyone in a sexual way when you're in a relationship, is cheating... Even so much as thinking they're good looking... It took me a while to process and accept that you feel the same as I do about such attrocities.
But my love, we'll last... I know we will.
I remember, five days before our one year anniversary, you got grounded for two months. I was devastated. And I have no idea what all you know about my response but I often found myself typing long messages to your mom for those 2 months, begging her to let me talk to you, even if it was only five minutes. But I knew it'd be useless so I deleted it all and would distract myself from the pain. I didn so much cleaning those 2 months, one day I was coughing in the bathroom because of all the bleach I'd used to clean it and I'm sensitive to bleach. I was literally choking on a mix of tears and bleach and had to stop cleaning for over an hour to get rid of the dizziness.
The whole time I wasn't cleaning, I was miserable because I had nothing to distract me. I didn't want to write. I didn't want to listen to my favorite songs. I didn't even want to be awake.
A lot of people would say I was just so infatuated with you that I just lost my life all together and that my life involved around you. But it wasn't that... I had a life. I had friends I could've gone to see and hang out with, I even did once or twice when they weren't busy. I had plenty of books to read and even tried.
It just affected me so much because in 2 months so much could happen and so much did. I could have lost you entirely through death or just because you met someone new, someone better. And it also put in perspective something... At the time you'd been considering going into the army... And if you did.. you could be deployed... And there's so much about it that I don't like. I wouldn't be able to talk to you or see you... You could cheat on me... You could die... You could come back a completely different person... So many possibilities.
And at the end of those 2 months... It was almost like you were a different person... And maybe you were... Maybe we both were... There was so much tension... So much distance between us... It was agonizing. I thought you'd get tired of it all.
We were teetering on the edge of breaking, holding on for dear life, begging to be saved.
But the beautiful thing about it... We learned something... And we grew.
Darling, there are so many toxic behaviors I have learned throughout my life. I'm learning to let them go. One of which is I snap at people when I feel stressed out, overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, hell I snap at people when I am happy! And sometimes, you fall victom to those venomous bites. But I am learning... I promise... I am trying...
You are so patient with me too. When you're upset... When we argue... I expect you to flip out and start throwing things, hitting things, threatening me, and screaming at me... But you never do... And it's hard to understand... Sometimes I wish you would yell at me so I would know how to react because I know how to react then... And it sometimes frustrates me when you don't even raise your voice because I don't know what to do or anything and it overwhelms me.
But you're patient and calm and it leads me to calm down and rationalize with you and myself.
You're so supportive and loving too. Even if I question it at times...
I notice, you picked up my forms of affection. I don't know why you did but it means a lot to me... And how you try to help me with promoting my book... How you begged me not to give up writing when I felt like I should (for multiple reasons, not just the one you know of). How you admitted to wanting to tell me so many times not to follow another career because you knew writing was my true passion and you probably knew it before I did...
I'll end it here but there's a lot unsaid. Je T'aime Mon Cher!