I once knew a man

He was a scary man

A perverse man

Many a day, I would see him, alone

He'd be hunched over and he'd look as though he were a mere pile of bone

At these times, I found, he was scariest... and would often resound a deep guttural moan

He'd shake an shiver

as though shocked by electricity

What could excite him so to make him quiver?

Others would pass as I'd stare; they'd say, "What impudicity..."

And then they'd walk on

I was left behind; forced and frozen by fear

Until, in his crazed manner, the man would come near

My skin would his hands sear as I was impaled by his spear

And then I would awake

Rising by the sun would stand my love

" 'Twas a dream," he'd whisper into my nape

Then, as soon as the light had come,

it was gone

His face was shadowed, his breath? There was none

Years later, I died

and that's the end of part one

As my life became insignificant,

my heart became a solid, cold thing.

I became more diligent,

and lost my true being.

With no friends to call my own

I made books into a comfortable home

Gradually, my imagination learned to roar,

filled with power, I gained wings to soar...

alone...

A man came into my life,

not yet full grown.

I did not fear his hidden knife,

and he showed me things I'd never known

Soon enough, he left

also leaving me bereft,

lacking in love and lacking in soul.

So long ago this seems

When was the last time you spoke to me?

"I've always been here."

Then why do I feel you're never near

Why is it that

love is what I lack?

Why is it that

I am under constant attack?

I have no friends

Nor pride

Nor dignity

...and no virginity

Why is it

that you are silent

after so long I've come to expect

the warmth you once lent...

"When will you learn...

Love stems from acceptance

Now, with you, I must be stern

for I have, with you, the utmost reverence.

Love thyself

Love thy mother

Love thy father and love one another

Isn't that what your God taught you?"

acceptance

approval

perception

removal

...

None of these deserve to be capitalized, do they?

"Hmm?"

So you really do come

to keep your promises.

All it took was some...

compromises.

Love, I've compromised with the world

Rather, I've made it compromise with me.

Now it's my choice

of whether

I keep up a rhyming scheme

I only need to please me

---I looked up to see him, and I felt his warmth

A young black dragon stood before me

"We have always been one, you and I."

Upon his belly, I saw scars

Upon his feet, callous and pained,

I saw dried blood

Upon his face...I saw peace

My dragon and I can never be separated

Our bond never severed

He is my muse,

as well he reminds me while I type this for you

And each time I look in the mirror,

there he lays, proud and lazy upon my shoulders

We've lost much, but through our battles, we gained so much more than glory;

me and my imaginary friend.

Two years...

Two years ago I poured out my soul onto this canvas

then I left

Embarassed by the nakedness I demonstrated

During that time, those two years, my imaginary friend slept for I had met a new man. My little black dragon rested at ease on my shoulders and the peace I had once seen on his face became my peace. This new man was no man at all. He is, in fact, a unicorn. He is beautiful and strong and gentle, more gentle than I ever knew humans to be. That is how I know he is not just a man. He showed me that my dragon no longer needed to fight and run and bleed. He, after four years, proved to me that loving myself was as easy as loving him. Now I've returned.

I no longer fear embarassment

I embrace my naked freedom in writing

With that said, be wary

My words are sharp and they flow without hesitation

My words will now forever be reflective of the truth I see with my soul

When you read my work, you are reading me

you are reading into my soul

and you will see things that you will not like

and I will not care

I have absolutely no idea, at all, of how well or not this will go or what this will be, so you must deal with me and keep in mind, my friends, that this will go without my editing and I will be as true to my whim as I can be; although, you obviously must be aware, and hopefully you are not scared, I may err, many times over; however, who wouldn't have a bout with grammar under these circumstances; but it was a dare, a dare so very profound surely deserves voices around to resound, for we must all rise to every challenge, mentally or physically, it doesn't make a difference; unfortunately, my friends, I've just received word of an 18 year old boy's death and have lost my whimsical touch; his murder was unwarranted and remained unsolved, he was killed not far from his home and not far from our school in the presence of his younger siblings- I remember seeing him, but I was always too afraid to speak to him; I remember how ignorant he was and how often our teachers would ask for my aid; I remember trying to help him indirectly, afraid of damaging his pride as a man, for he was older than I, and now, he's been killed, and left without a purpose.

I sit here

before the screen

struggling to silence my screams

that are bursting from a lifetime of fear

I drown out the noise

and try to drown out the sorrow

I feel my body beginning to numb

I hope I can go on until Tomorrow

I just have to reach Tomorrow

then it will be all right

I just have to keep my future in sight

and remember that Today will just become a Yesterday

Today will transform into a distant memory. I won't have to live it again, until Today happens again. Today happened the first time I realize my dad was an alcoholic, the first time I was hit by a man, the first time I learned about mysogyny, and this time that my dad's peaceful facade has given way. He held it for a good tweleve years.

And so, I called upon my gentle man, the one who allows my dragon to sleep, the one who grants me peace. I cry and splutter and even now as I type I stutter but, just like me, these stutters are something you will never see. As ironic as it may be, for all the wordsmith I am, words do not always come easy. All I can say is all I can think, so I tell him, "I need to get out."

Of where?

Here... I'm just so scared. (With him, it is safe to be vulnerable)

I just have to get to Tomorrow

If I get to Tomorrow, he will be waiting for me with strong arms and an open heart, ready to protect me until I can protect myself from the very real demons of my past.

And I have returned, yet again. I look at my past work and smile

for what little I knew, I knew well

and what I did not know... does not matter for I have come to reconcile

with myself.

I live by the rythm of the backbeat

by the flow of the word and the mercy of hell.

This is no minor feat and for a sorrowful year, I lived in full defeat...

unaware, uncaring, of my heart's wealth.

...

I longed for the return of my dragon- dark and fierce

I felt a desperate need for power in a form that I deemed powerless

During this time, my gentle unicorn held me close-

My pain was his and he carried it well.

He found me when I was hidden, allowed tears to flow.

He fed me when I was weak and lame, nuturing my soul.

He ran his fingers through my freshly cut hair- short and easier to manage-

and asked if there was any way for him to repair my damage.

When the hair grew, he took his gentle hands and a bristly brush

and slowly eased the knots away.

When my body died, he took me and bathed me, clothed me, loved me back to life.

When I cried, he cried. When I hurt, he hurt. When I fell...

He kneeled by me, waiting to lift me up when I was ready.

...

Slowly, I returned to rest, releasing the need for

control

power

a fierce protector that would bar me from my emotions and the world

Instead, I gained so much more.

From the fear of never being able to write again to the constant pain of trying

from the sensitivity to the wounds to the ever present ache of healing

I gained a newfound respect and confidence, and insight to self-love

...

And I have returned- with a wider smile

for what I thought I knew, I knew naught

and the life I now know... I would be grateful for it to last more of a while

regardless of my pain.

I no longer live on the edge of my seat (expecting a calamity)

nor with my happiness as a simple afterthought.

This is no minor feat and for a sorrowful year, I lived in full defeat...

and I was taught the truth of my heart's wealth.

So, thank you.