.

She sits down and starts to talk. Letting everything out, all her joys and the sadness. It takes a lot time before she’s done but the words seem to bring her relief. So she continues. Telling him about things that have been stuck in her insides, rotting for years. Thoughts and problems that she has been struggling with for so long.

And as she says all that’s been needed to be said, he sits there beside her. Staring at her calmly and holding her hand. He knows how hard this is for her, so he doesn’t interrupt. He sits there silently, almost not moving. Just nodding from time to time, and trying to understand. There is no judgement in his eyes, no anger.

Regrets are set aside, bad memories put away somewhere in the cardboard boxes, that will leave this home with him. Everything that stood between them, is now tucked away. Replaced by assurance, that they are doing the right thing. Finally on the right path, in a place where they were heading for some time now. A place where they should have been ages ago. But there was always something stopping them. The comfort of being together for such a long period of time, the safety of a steady relationship. A safe haven of sorts, that made them stay. Because the alternative of being by themselves, frightened both of them. Not for the same reason, but still it was enough to stay.

Even if it didn’t work out between them like it used to. Even though it was all falling apart and they were heading for the rails, big time. They still held on to each other. In need of balance, of a strong base to stand on, when everything else was crashing fast. They had issues beyond fixing, things that couldn’t beat, no matter what. Both damaged in different ways, but damaged still.

She held a grudge against him, for a big loss, that fitted in her hands and yet the size of that loss was so enormous that it made her soul darker, heavier, polluted. It was hard to look at the man she loved and think what she had to sacrifice because of him. It was something that constantly stood between them, what lay in their bed, colder then the sheets covering their body’s on a winters day.

She often stared at him and felt nothing, literally nothing. She would look at him, while he worked on his computer, or when he read the newspaper and wonder. Tilling her head to the side and just staring. As if he wasn’t the person she had once fallen for, but a strange specimen of man. A an odd bug under the microscope. She just couldn’t understand what happened to them. What happened to her feelings and the love that seemed to outstretched its limits. But still she stayed.

Because leaving him , would mean leaving some of the feeling she couldn’t let go off. Not yet. She didn’t want to forget about her loss, latching onto it. Afraid she might lose it in a completely different way and that upset her. The possibility she might forget about her little treasure. As if it had never existed. As if it was never there. All of her hopes, all of the expectations. Dreams and future plans, plans that will never happen now... and still. It was so hard to let go. So she would stay, not for him or for the forgiveness that she wanted to give him so many times... even when it felt like there was nothing left in her to give.

And now, as she looks at him there is no more anger in her, just peaceful words, that come out in a long stream. Never stopping, never ending. She speaks, her voice already horse and he listens. Knowing that every one of those words are needed. That this is good for her. It’s Therapeutic. It lets her relax, let go of her pain. He squeezes her hand tighter and she gives a small smile. Relief and tiredness in her taking equal space. He takes a deep breath, almost chocking on a relief of his own and decides to say something before he changes his mind.

I have always loved that smile, Marley.

She stares at him almost surprised to hear his voice. There have been so many words from her and almost none from him. But that’s okay. He understand what she had to do here. What was needed to be said. She squeezes his hand back and the corners of her mouth lift slightly again. Something inside her that feels almost good. A strange spark that fills her up. Proving that there still was some life in her. A fire that she so needed.

It feels odd... as if I’m not doing it right.

He gives her a pained look. Sad that he was the reason for this. Sorry that they had to go through so much before understanding how wrong it was, and what it had done to them. He takes a deep breath and lets her know with his eyes that it’s all going to be alright. They are going to be fine.

Just remember the sensation and repeat every day...

She nods once and continuous. Words flowing once again. So much has been said already and yet it still wasn’t enough. He stares at her smooth face and listens calmly, thinking and counting her freckles. He always loved those, it was such a beautiful imperfection. His eyes shift slightly down to her hair, as the light shines through the window. He looks at them and wonders what their little girls hair would have been. Would they be fair and straight like hers, or would it be brown and messy just like his. He wonders at this and thinks once again about the small thing that made him stay in this relationship that was falling apart.

Silly, meaningless things. A joint account, the furniture they had bought together... paying of a student loan and the stack of CD’s filled with music they both liked... and some of the bigger stuff, like mutual friends and memories made in the time that they were together... they were happy once, they loved each other... and then his mind turns to their families. How his mum, stayed with them at the worst time and his dad build a swing in the back yard... He wraps his fingers tightly against hers and she nods again. Understanding. His pain, that of her own.

Just a little longer Sam...

He nods as well, and lets go of her hand, a bit scared that he might eventually brake it... all those emotions filling the room, too intense for either of them. He sits back against the couch and looks at his hands placed on his knees. He listens while she talks about their past and smiles as she hopes for the future. Separate, but hopefully a happy one. Minutes pass, turning slowly into hours. The sun setting quietly against the darkening sky. And when it disappears and the room gets darker, it finally all comes to an end. And when she says all, that there is to say and explains all, that there was to explain, and there is nothing else to say, she finally can allow herself to breathe. They both can.

They smile at each other and get put, bodies tired, limbs stiffed but minds at peace.

He pulls his arm around her and she falls into him. Allowing herself to remember him for the man that he was, and remembering the girl that once couldn’t live without him. A different girl, in a different time. She smiles again, knowing now that she was still there, somewhere deep inside.

A girl that could change the world with a boy that made her smile.

...................................................

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hM_kejkWeHU

On June second, just little over two years ago, I was in car accident. I survived and so did my husband. The family of four from the other vehicle also survived from death. They experienced several serious injuries, like concussion, open brakes, many damages to the spine... but they survived. Every one that you could see looking from the outside of the car. But there were more than six people in that crash. There were seven living and beating hearts on that day, but only six kept theirs.

On June second, I was second month pregnant. Exactly two years ago I had lost my child. My little baby girl. Barely two months. It was so early. You couldn’t even see. Just eight weeks. A month before that, I didn’t even know myself and yet from that day everything changed. It was the most life changing thing in my life. Until now.

We were so happy. I was 25 years old and my whole life was ahead of me. My husband Matt gloving from joy, though I was the one pregnant, and the one that should be gloving. We had so many plans.

And from there it really went down the hill. Regrets, hidden anger and resentment that was slowly destroying our lives, or more to the point our marriage. We still had other things to care about, like our carrers. Those parts that didn’t require resentment. The parts that didn’t disappoint us. I had an architect degree and my job as a decorate designer. It kept me going, when my thoughts turned to darker shades. Times when I looked at my husband and no longer so a person I once loved, but a stranger... or maybe worse than that. I saw someone responsible for my pain. For my loss.

And he had a carrer of his own. After all he was a successful PR manager and a computer genius. They adored him at the office. He was the man with a plan, someone who always had a solution. His job always took long hours. That was never an issue. We separated our personal and private lives with ease. We weren’t like other couples. Always nagging the other person about the late night at the firm, or cancelled plans. The difference was, that we really loved our jobs. Just as much as we loved each other. So when we were coming home, there was no room for frustration and moaning at the “bad boss”. I mean we all had our bad days.

After all nobody ever had a perfect life, right?

But as it went, it was quite close at times. But I guess that all of that changed after the accident. Like we lost something very important, a very special part of us... and it wasn’t just the loss of our child. Our little baby, that hadn’t had the chance to grow up... that was a crushing moment. It was unbearable, but it wasn’t the worse thing... that day we lost something else. Somehow when the car crashed, we also lost ourselves in the process. Slowly falling apart. Rusting inside and out, just like the battered remains of our silver Volvo.

We lost our love, our happiness, the future that we had planned... or maybe it was just me. Maybe I started this, because my pain was so much bigger than his. After that day, no matter what I did, I felt empty inside. Physically and emotionally. And underneath it all, I felt angry. All this time he was the one to blame.

Not the car that crashed into us, not the bad weather or the fact that we were both tired. None of these things made me angry or resentful... no, not as much as he did. I was furious that he made me go. That I agreed, when I really didn’t want to go. I could have stayed at my mothers, but he wanted to come home earlier. I could have made him go alone. I should have stayed.

But instead, I went with him and argued in the car about silly, meaningless, idiotic stuff. I was two months pregnant... you couldn’t even see if you didn’t know. Funny, you couldn’t see it, and yet it still felt as if I was being ripped into pieces, crushed... chewed and spit out. As if all that was left were my bare, cold bones. I could still feel that belt digging deep into my body. I remember the sound of two cars crushing against each other... it felt like I was a million miles away, away from myself and a million miles from my baby. But she was gone. I knew it instantly, the moment the belt sank deep into my stomach. I could fell a sudden change, an empty feeling. Even though there was this loud, ear crushing noise, all that I could hear was the silence. The silence inside of me. I just knew. My little baby Lucy...

Later in the hospital I would still somehow cling to some delirious hope, that it wasn’t true, that maybe I was wrong. That all of this didn’t actually happen. I think I was in deep denial by then. Protecting myself from reality and the entire world put together. Using the rest of my energy to shield my mind from the obvious truth... or maybe, I just wanted a couple of more moments with my daughter... no matter how delusional that time might have been.

So I laid there, on the hospital bed. Trembling hands spread lovingly across my flat belly. My left shoulder and leg bandaged tightly. Still hoping, still praying.

But it was too late, I knew that...

I lost the little love growing inside of me... and the other love of my life, that was standing behind the hospitals doors... was slowly shifting and changing its shape,

with every passing moment turning destructively from love to hate.

.............................................................................................................................

This story is not based on real events.

I see her every day in school. We go for the same classes. She’s new here and somehow while I wasn’t looking she managed the take over my mind and all of my thoughts.

We don’t talk too much, I try to keep a distance. It’s just better this way. Safer. For me.

I don’t know how she feels and I’m not sure If I want to know. Because there is no right response here. Nothing that wouldn’t complicate things even more.

Not that I could ever muster the courage to do anything. I’m a coward when it comes to her. She’s so beautiful and I love the way she moves. Though I don’t think I have ever noticed that in any other woman. Not like this.

No. Never.

I try to focus on the teachers when they speak and wonder if she’s looking my way.

If she’s smiling again. I can’t think of her. Because it makes me crazy when I do, when my thoughts revel around her, let alone even consider anything happening between us...

I like the way she furrows her eyebrows when she’s concentrating. My pulse speeds up when she enters the room. Stirring the things I thought never existed. Not like that. Not for her. I try to ignore the feeling that growing so rapidly. The sense of falling and crashing hard to the ground. The notion that I can’t move or breath properly... and yet, everytime that her lips lift in a meaningful smile as if she owns the place, I just fall apart in thousands of little pieces. Crashing, shattering, breaking. But in a good way.

In such a good way...

I sit in my chair and can feel myself strain under the touch of a heavy arm. He smiles at me when I lift my head. Smelling so great and making me blush. He loves me and I love him. It’s been like that for a while now and at times it feels like forever. I smile back at him and feel pushed to the ground, a strong pressure on my heart.

An intense combination of guilt and disorientation.

I look back at the professor. Not really hearing the words. My mind twisting and bending, trying to comprehend the situation and denying it completely. He grabs my hand and I feel like a fraud. Like an imposter, taking up his time and his love. A foolish girl that didn’t understand her own heart. I take a cautious breath and make myself stop. All of those thoughts that make me sick. All the feelings that I can’t stop.

This wasn’t for real. It was just a crush. I close my eyes just for a second and my skin starts to burn, a clear sign that she’s looking. My pulse rises again and the adrenaline rushes through my veins, slowly turning me into ash... and I like it.

I open my eyes and slightly turn my head. There she is. Gazing at me like I’m the only thing worth looking at. Her mouth twitches and she can’t hold a smile. Throwing me a meaningful stare. Like she owned the place.. because she already knows, that she owns me. So there I sit, heart pounding. Mind already crazy with love. I brave myself and return the stare. Smiling at her in the exact same way. As if she’s the only person in this place. The only girl that I want to look at. And as the time stops for just a second my mind is finally made up. I return to my studies as my boyfriend squeezes my hand.

It was the time, to be honest with myself. To find the courage.

Because I’ve already found the love... and a girl that stole my heart.

While I wasn’t even looking.

...............................................................................................................................

Now, this is story I wrote almost a year ago and thought I would share it again.

I somehow just didn’t want it to get lost.

⚜

The mask looks good, a little crooked to the right... just need to straighten it up.

Hmm, perfect. She looks in the big mirror and admires her reflection. Her long brown curls cascading down her back. Just a little of it pinned up, to give her a more fierce look. She looks at herself from different sides and straitens her dark blue, velvet dress. The thin material fitting her lean figure perfectly.

This should do, she thinks to herself and smiles.

She leaves the impressive hall and steps into the grand ballroom. Lights and guests spread everywhere. She gazes calmly around. Smiles and laughter filling the enormous room.

I wonder if any of those smiles are real, authentic - she thinks, at the same time staring at at the colorful masks. Deciding the masquerade is a success. No one could really guess the identities of those honorable guests... some of them just actors, playing their role for the audience. But she knows who they are and what they are capable of.

And most of all, she knows what will happen tonight.What will happen just before the clock strikes midnight... She smiles pleasantly and picks up a glass of champagne from a tray. Nodding at the handsome waiter. He nods back and sends her a signal.

Her smile turns darker. It's time.

Let the party begin.

She takes a sip of the champagne, enjoying the little bubbles that tickle her throat and starts to walk into the crowd. Well, my fellow actors, this lovely play is about to have a different finish than expected. The lights dim slightly and the music starts to play.

An Orchestra starting a Walts. How classy... She looks to the sides, as a hand touches

her shoulder. Her mouth twitches as she recognizes the man behind the mask.

Well finally, I was just going to start without you...

You didn't think I was going to let you have all the fun, would you now?

They stare at each other in a moment of silence and then start to dance with soft grace, spinning around a stage full of false actors. Ready to take over this play. Prepared for an entirely different ending. The music carries gentle sounds of another song starting... the clock finally striking twelve... it's time.

.

The light in the room shines bright blue, as we sit on the couch, watching TV. Snuggled up together under a big pled blanket. She smiles at every joke in the movie and bursts out laughing before the punch line even starts. We have seen this movie a million times, but it’s her favorite, so I let her. Happy to just lie here, next to her. She turns and smiles towards me. A wide grin on her face, that of a guilty person - for making me watch this movie again and feeling smug about it. I shake my head and stare at her, lifting an eyebrow in a disapproving way. Her grin stretches out even more.

Oh, you know you love me, babe - she says with self-satisfaction - I am the best thing that happened to you, since that fiasco with your last girlfriend...

I snatch a pillow and hit her over the head, messing up her perfect hair and turning it into an electrified haystack. She screams out and throws it back with perfect aiming, hitting me right in the face.

Hey, I didn’t hit you that hard! - I shout out and jump off the couch and run to the kitchen. As I do this, I hear some rustling in the living room.

Jane? Jane! Don’t you dear... - I sprint back to the room with a glass of water, ready to throw it at her - oh come one, you wouldn’t...

There’s a shrieking sound even before I can do anything. The noise truly ear-piercing, shattering my eardrums.

Fine! I won’t, you win! - I say in defeat and she calms down instantly. Her smile turning from pleased to sneaky.

I always win.

She says proudly and sits back down on the couch. Picking the blanket and snuggling back on the soft cushions. I shake my head again and join her, as she lifts the side of the material and pats the pillow, sending me a seductive stare. I roll my eyes, but reach her in just seconds. Never the one to refuse a invitation.

If I didn’t love you so much, I would throw that smirk right off your face.

I sit down and she puts her arms around me, as I turn the movie back on. Sneaking a kiss or two, just before Patrick Swayze can pick up Jenifer Gray in the air and sing to her, that he had the time of his life.

So glad that I found her. She makes me smile when everything else goes wrong. She supports me through all the bad choices that I tend to make. Making me believe that even if our life tends to be hard and full of regrets, there is something worth the while.

She’s my best friend and I love her to pieces. She’s crazy, drives me insane half of the time... and I love her even more for that.

⚜

Act I, Scene I

An actress, an empty stage and a single light centered in the middle of the stage.

Shining on our actress, ready to perform. She stands up straight, shoulders back, expression focused and concentrated. The audience is empty as well,

only except a guy in the third row. He's here to audition, a notepad on his lap.

A professional expression on his tired face and maybe a bit bored. But that is irrelevant to our story... the man coughs slightly, encouraging the actress to start.

So J, what will you be performing for us tonight?

(He asks politely, looking at his watch.

The actress, notices it and clenches her fists...)

I'm here to show the "stages of pretense" I'm quite famous for the act of pretending and fooling my heart...

Oh, I see. Then begin, the audience awaits.

Yes, of that I am aware... Act one... People often ask me... How are you?

How do you feel? That's when I use my pretenses like this...

She looks at the space before her, body language shifting and changing until it falls into the role. Concentration disappearing, replaced with the softest of smiles. Her posture relaxing, her eyes losing their edge. A single spark filling them from inside. She gives a nonchalant wave of her hand and enhances her smile so it almost reaches her eyes.

Oh me? I'm just fine, never better and how are you?

(The actress freezes at the last word and loses the smile,

a pained look instead of the fake modest one)

...and then they leave, and I am left with myself. Playing pretense, even when alone... Because I no longer know the person that I once was.

(The actress looks up and waits for the review.

The guy in the audience filling in his notes)

That was great J. Very tasteful and engaging...

Do you want to see something more?

No, my darling... that will be all.

Yes, of course, I understand...

Oh, and J, my dear...

Yes, Carl...?

How are you feeling today?

Me...? Why that's a silly question to ask of me... As always, I am just fine...

The lights dim and the "audience" leaves. Our single actress, leaving as well...

Walking down the stairs, her back once again strained,

the smile faded away, just like everything else.

...........................................................

♨

The sun shines through the big window of the coffee shop. I get more comfortable in my seat and open my laptop. Preparing myself for the inspiration that was surely on its way. My fingers already twitching, even if I still didn't have a subject to start with. But that wasn't the problem, I just needed to start writing, just needed to let the words flow. I look up at my surroundings. The place not too busy for a Saturday afternoon. I guess people had better things to do than sit around and drink a cafe grande. I smile and turn on my writing program. What will it be today? A love story... a murder of an innocent... a modern fairy tale? I look up again searching for a new inspiration.

I stare at the elderly couple at the corner drinking tea and reading a newspaper.

A single piece of carrot cake on the table. I narrow my eyes.

No... that's not it. I let my eyes wander to a small table where a guy sits. He's tall, good-looking and is doing a crosswords puzzle. I shake my head. Not today. I never really liked beards. Did people not know how many bacterias where there? I smile, I was weird in the small stuff, but I didn't really care. I look down at my laptop and notice the empty coffee cup. Not good at all... I stand up and go to the counter.

Excuse me, I ordered a big cinnamon latte? - I say to the nice looking, older lady behind the counter. She looks at me, lowers her glasses and says.

Of course, sugar... coming right up - the woman seems somehow distracted, a yellow letter lying beside her. It's addressed to Molly. I narrow my eyes. My brain already sparking up by some story that is moving around in my brain.

That's okay. I can wait... - I stare as she disappears behind a small door and I start thinking about the possibilities. What could be on that letter that made her so distracted? Was her name Molly? I get lost in my own reality. Fresh dialogs playing out before my eyes. I see her past, family members, the way she looked when she was young... and I am sure that she was a beauty. I look back to my laptop, my mind buzzing like crazy. The good crazy, that let me to a story so many times before.

There you go sweetheart... A big macchiato with some extra sugar - the woman says breaking me out of my trans.

What...? No, that's not what I ordered. I wanted a cinnamon latte... - I say a bit irritated, the details of my story already altering as I look at her.

Really? I was sure that you ordered... - and before the poor woman can finish her sentence, somebody else speaks breaking my annoyance.

Excuse me... I think that was for me... - I look up, at the woman saying those words and I gasp. She is beautiful. Red hair cascading to her shoulders, blue, greenish eyes staring at me patiently. I hear my heartbeat quicken as she smiles at me. I stare back at the lady behind the counter, not sure what to do next and let her take control over the situation.

Yes, that's right. A macchiato for you... and the cinnamon latte for... - She looks at the name on the cup - ...for Lucy - she stars at me, apologetically. I clear my throat.

Yes, that's right... it's for me - I feel very awkward and look up at the girl standing by my side and smiling at me. Her freckles grabbing my stare. Like a milky way of brown stars. As I look at her, feeling a blush spread, she stares around, confused. I follow her stare and frown. There seems to be a lot more people than before. All of the tables busy now.

Oh man. I guess I will just drink it outside - she sighs quietly and just rolls her eyes. Like she has done this too many times before. A heavy, oversized bag, biting into her jacket, a black laptop sticking out. I furrow my eyebrows.

You write? - I ask pointing out to her bag and looking at her colorful scarf wrapped loosely around her neck. I look up at her and she is smiling and giving me a tired stare. I stare up, noticing that she is about seven centimeters taller than me but definitely younger. Her face looks so young and adorable. As if she could be in her early twenties but at the same time might be as well 16... but I see that her eyes are much older. Wiser.

Yeah, I try. But it doesn't always work out. My mind being all over the place. Thinking too much at once... oh well, no writing today - she looks around, the place more busy then a minute before.

You can sit with me... - I say and point out to my chair. Somehow certain that I wasn't going to let her go so easy... at least not today.

Really? That would be fantastic... - her smile wides and my heart beat quickens again. She grabs her coffee and her phone. A picture of donuts at the back of it.

She sees my stare and smiles again, a blush spreading on her cheeks and neck.

I can feel butterflies start to flatter in the bottom of my stomach - Oh... I know, I'm a total nerd sometimes...

You kidding, did you see the back of my laptop? It's covered in superhero stuff - she smiles back, somehow relieved. I look at her hand as she grabs the coffee and I stare at a little tattoo slipping out of her sleeve. I grab her wrist without thinking - Is that a triquetra? - I ask as my fingers touch her wrist and my thumb starts to make circles on her skin. I look up at her and I can see that her blush is spreading, right up to her cleavage. I clear my throat again and let go of her hand.

Oh, that. It's just from a TV show I love... just silly stuff about witches - she smiles and rubs her hand.

I think I know which one you are talking about... the one about the charmed ones? - I ask and she nods with a shy smile - Mmm, sorry about attacking you - I laugh out and she smiles again, melting my insides.

No problem. Let's just sit. My arm is killing me from this bag... why I always take everything with me seems a mystery to me...

Yeah, I know the feeling - I say and guide her to the table.

We sit there and I watch her unpack. Opening her computer... pulling out an additional notepad... pencils... tattoo designs... taking off her scarf and reviling a slender neck.

I clear my throat again and start to write. Pretending that for the first time in my life, I don't have an instant girl crush happening... hitting me against the head... with a heavy brick.

Thank you for doing this, I would hate to get back home... after telling everyone I was out for the whole day... you know?

Oh, you don't have to tell me twice... I like my free time too... hey, what's your name? I didn't have the chance to ask before... - I say, thinking that was an understatement of the year. My brain working on slow motion today. Talk about coincidence... if I didn't get the wrong coffee I wouldn't even notice her. Just writing a silly story about simple distractions... though on the other hand I just changed my distractions.

My name? Just call me Addi... it's a nickname, you could say... - She smiles at me with a full-on grin and can hear a pencil falling to the ground. Before I can even move, she picks it up and hands it to me. I take it a bit dazed and smile back, as my fingers grace against hers. Electricity surging through my body and making me jump... she does the same and pulls a strand of her hair behind her ear. And I suddenly wish I could do that for her.

Addi... I like it. It suits you perfectly.

Yeah, I like it too... and your name is Lucy... of course, you're such a Lucy - She grins at me and stares intensly, a sly smile filling her lips. Her stare moving to the sides - You know, nothing helps the inspiration more than some sugar... want to share a rose jam donut? - she asks, her smile turning surprisingly dark. I burst out laughing.

Sure... but how about making it two? - I lift my eyebrows and twitch them in a fake seductive way. She bursts out laughing again.

A little menace, huh? Well fine by me, hon... I'm always up for some fun...

I blush and start to write again but can't stop myself and look up. She is staring at me, putting her head to the side. I furrow my eyebrows as she smiles and then leans in.

I freeze for a moment as she grabs a strand of my hear and pulls it through her fingers.

I always wish I had hair like you... - she says dreamily and puls the strand behind my ear, the touch of her skin on mine setting a small fire inside... and before I can stop myself and think things through... I lean in too, and kiss her softly on the lips... I pull back and stare at her surprised expression.

Sorry, I just needed to do that at least once.

Her eyes turn wider and then she smiles back at me and leans closer, putting a hand on my cheek and kisses me softly, then quickly pulls away.

You can't just stop at one... - She grins at me and then sips on her coffee, having the most innocent expression on her face that I have ever seen. I keep staring at her as she starts to write... like nothing ever happened. I shake my head.

True, one is just not enough... what are you writing? - I ask as I try to regain some composure.

Just a story about coincidence and the smell of a cinnamon latte...

Yeah, I had something similar in mind... I think I will call it "the coffee shop".

............................................

I lean down and pick up the crumpled note.I look around if somebody might have just dropped it but there is no one here. I throw a quick glance again, filling a bit guilty and

I unfold the little piece of paper.

I promise I will come back

for you Mark

S.

I freeze for a moment, a bit dazed. I look around again as If there were hidden cameras somewhere and this was some kind of a joke. I look at the note, shaking my head and taking a deep breath. This was my name...and the love of my life...Samantha...I close my eyes and try to calm myself. Just a coincidence, nothing more. I lift my hand and without thinking I put it to my nose, inhaling deeply... daisies and roses.She smelled like that.Exactly like that.I open my eyes again. This couldn't be true.I look at the gentle handwriting and the small letters.Not possible.

I haven't seen her for years...because she disappeared, just like that.Without any warning, no signs. She was gone.All of her family, friends and the police looking and searching for her, for months.Without any result. It's been 5 years and no one has seen or heard anything about her. Her loved ones still believing that she would come back.There was no body...so there was no death.That's how they saw it. That's what I hoped for but pretended that I didn't. It was easier. Denial was easier.It made the breathing thing more bearable. It made it possible to survive without her in my world.

I stand there in the middle of the sidewalk,not moving, or blinking. Standing there like a statue. Lifeless...and then my hand loosens up, my fingers losing tension.

The little note falling to the ground. I stare at it without thinking, the wind gently moving it and lifting it in the air. The note making little circles, as if it was dancing, toying with me. Mocking...and disappearing behind the corner of the building.

A shiver runs down my spine and I shake out of my dead state.I start to walk, catching speed with every second, breaking into a run. My legs caring me faster than ever before. I almost lose my breath running, but I don't care. I have to catch it.Now.I reach the side of the building and notice the little piece of paper, swirling on the sidewalk, like it was already tired and needed to take a rest. I run to it in just a couple of swift strides and quickly pick it up before it can fall into the drain.I grab it and unfold it.

"...I will come back for you..."

I swallow hard and my eyes start to sting. My heartbeat starting to rise. This couldn't be true. She was gone. This note could have been for anyone...and it could be from some named Simone, Sara or something ridiculous and cute like Sally.I smell it again and there it was. Her smell.That could only belong to her. No one else.

I guess you found my note?

My whole body stiffens when hearing that voice.The voice that I thought I would never hear again. I close my eyes, considering insanity and other unwanted possibilities. Confused at what really going on around here. If it was a dream, or was it a nightmare that was about to crash me?

That's not... - I start uncertain and here a long sigh filled with pain.

I know, baby...but it is.Even in this crazy world that we live in, miracles still happen.

I don't say anything, let alone manage to think straight.I was going mad and need help from a professional and quick...and then I hear her voice again, like soft velvet against my ears.Gentle and apologetic.

I'm sorry that the note got so late to you. I wrote it years ago...But something failed and they couldn't send it then.It took so long before it broke through the wall...

I finally look up at the source of the sound, too tired to fight with the basic instincts that told me I needed to see her...even if she was just an illusion, a figment of my imagination.Even if everything was happening only in my head and I was going to wake up in some kind of asylum tomorrow.I had to see her, just once...The images of her blurred by the years gone and the passage of time...my heart starts to pound faster as I look at her beautiful face. My eyes grow wider with every second trying to take in the bigger picture. her long brown curls cascading down her beck,resting on her slender shoulders...she looks thinner then I remember, her face more tired, dark circles under her eyes. And yet she never looked more breathtaking.

How is this even...? - I start to ask, once again lost for words.

It's complicated Mark, I wouldn't know where to start...At times I don't even believe it myself.

You can't be real...you're gone...the police...

I know, but I'm here now...and you have no idea what it took me to get back to you.

Where were you all this time? - I ask, for the first time toying with the idea that this could be true and yet not let myself truly believe it.

You probably have someone else in your life now... - her voice cracks at the last word and yet she still manages to smile at me - but I just wanted to say that I'm back...

I stare at her,disbelieve that this was the thing that she was worried about,I move swiftly to her without even thinking and wrap my arms around her tiny body and inhale deeply, deciding I will never let go of her again. She leans in and starts to sob.

I can tell that she has been through a lot. I lean down and kiss her lips. Feeling the happiness sipping through my body and for the first time in five years, I feel like I can breathe again.

″Linkable: Being capable of being linked with or to something.

Or, capable or worthy of being linked to”

I struggled through my walls to get to you. But it wasn’t a case of mental boundaries that hid in my head or the ones that corrupted my heart or played with my mind.

I thought against the walls that stopped me from getting to you, from crashing against its surface and being free. I wanted to break those walls, but they weren’t just separating me from you, they were excluding me from this world that I used to live in. Side by side with you. Standing against everything that was bad in it. You were my protector and helped me get through and made me so happy.

And then unexpectedly I got lost and trapped between worlds. The fifth dimension sucking me in without warning. No signs attached. Just an invisible barrier separating me from you. So I thought and struggled five years to get back to you.

To let you know I was alive, even if not so well. And there behind the curtain,

I met people that wanted to help me, that were stuck too. Separated from their loved ones and friends. Never aging, never moving forward. Lost in the between our worlds.

Parallel alternatives that had no right to exist. The shadow lands of “almost” and “just on the edge of everything”, playing with the ones that took the wrong turn and fell into the whirlpool of time and space. That landed in the between of here and then.

Forever nonexisting in the grey area.

On the verge of light in the place where there was no tomorrow.

The area that was designed for lost souls...

even if it was always meant to be empty.

And this was the place where I have fallen into and couldn’t get past for five long and excruciating years. I fought against the “wall” and they helped me, so I could get back to you. So I could return to the man I loved. To my real world. The land of the living.

It wasn’t easy... but what is these days, right? I latched on to the thought of you... grabbed on to my hope and sent a letter... a small note... that was all they could carry through the barrier.

But it took longer than expected and the note fell in right with me. Dabbing and digging through the portals and intertwined worlds that surround us. The place that we could only feel and never see... but here, where I was... I could see them as clearly as I see my own hand. Twinkling at me from every corner, beautiful and at the same time mocking me, taunting my every nerve and sense that I had. The universe’s family laughing at me every time I lost myself in the distractions and forgot about you...

But I had friends and they helped me, even if they struggled more than me. Lost in the Neverland for days, months, years... and even decades. They knew how to deal with the nothingness that surrounded us. Putting a blanket of emptiness against our tired minds and worn out bodies... that never really changed or aged... they just faded from the passage of time. Because time had to affect us somehow, for it did pass in the other worlds. As it did in yours... I kept my sanity by counting that lost time, by talking with my friends and he that kept me in one piece. You and the note...

It was supposed to get to you sooner... and yet I think that it waited somehow for me...

as if without my love for you it couldn’t break through the walls, it couldn’t crash the shadow world. I saw it disappear into the oblivion but never imagined that it would get stuck too... that it needed a push from me... and then one day I felt stronger as if something had finally changed. I felt it. Felt the barrier open just a bit and I slipped through it without even blinking... in an effortless way, quieter than the softest whisper.

As if the door was there all along but I never really saw it...

wasting my time banging on the wall. And now I know why... you finally picked up the note. You finally saw the door that I have been missing for so long. So I grasp the wall by the edges and step back to the land of the living and pass the other side... the right side, where you are... I see you as if not a single day has passed. My note close to your face. Your eyes closed. Pain and relief fighting for the main attention.

I guess you found my note? - I ask and notice you stiffen. As if somebody had just electrocuted you... and pushed a dagger through your heart. I swallow. I missed you so much. My only light in the otherwise starless sky.

That’s not... - you say slowly and a long, pained sigh escapes my lungs. Oh, how I wanted to hear that voice again.

I know, baby...but it is me. Even in this crazy world that we live in, miracles still happen.

I watch you clench your fist, trying to build a wall of your own. This really kills me... that I am the source of this unnecessary pain. I don’t want you to hurt. You didn’t deserve this. I look at you and whisper as gently as possible as not to scare you.

I’m sorry that the note got so late to you. I wrote it years ago... But something failed and they couldn’t send it then. It took so long before it broke through the wall...

I still stare at you not able to break away my eyes from you. Never wanting to stop. Not now. Not after everything I had to get through... you look up at me, and your expression changes from shock to surprise... your eyes filling with love and warmth that slips into my soul, and turns on a light that I thought was no longer there. I gasp, feeling my heart beat again for the first time in years... just a shadow of its former self before.

How is this even...? - You asked still confused. I can’t say that I blame you.

It’s complicated Mark, I wouldn’t know where to start...At times I don’t even believe it myself - It’s true. I still don’t. The enormity of the concept too overpowering for my mind. Not possible and yet true.

You can’t be real...you’re gone...the police... - you shake your head and my heart breaks all over again.

I know, but I’m here now...and you have no idea what it took me to get back to you - No idea indeed. I shiver slightly.

Where were you all this time? - You ask and I can see your defenses breaking, though I know you are fighting with yourself. I imagine your life without me and a realisation hits me over the head... of coure.

You probably have someone else in your life now... - I barely manage to say but smile because I can see you again, because you are no longer just a mirage in my head - but I just wanted to say that I’m back...

I hold my breath as I see your even more confused expression. Somehow feeling like you might run away from me... but you don’t. You reach me in seconds. Wrapping your strong arms around me. Making me feel at home. I lean into you and I start to sob as if my heart was just about to be torn into a million tiny pieces. I look up at you through the tears and smile as you kiss me gently. The sweet taste of your lips breaking all of the walls that ever surrounded me. Finally, I can breathe again.

Once again sharing the same world with you.

I promised that I would come back...

I don’t think you ever really left.

...

Thank you

for coming back love

M.

I feel I’m being followed... for a couple of months now.

And no, not by the “bad guys”, not the terrorists, a secret agent sent from the government... or my ex. No. It’s a girl I have been seeing all over town. A young woman in a rainbow scarf, and no matter what the weather, she always wears it... only the material changes. It’s a thick woolen scarf on the winter days and a light shawl on the days that are filled with the sun and heat... that’s when I first saw her, about 4 months ago. It was just a glimpse at first, as I headed through the park.

She stood by the pond and was staring at her own reflection in the water. I would give her more thought but was in a hurry and had to get to work on time. I had a photoshoot to plan for the day and was already behind with everything. Lately, I couldn’t find the time for anything, always running, always in a hurry. So I just walked by, no longer thinking about the girl in a rainbow scarf.

Until the next day and the day after that. I kept seeing her all over the place.

When I bought coffee in the coffee shop when I tied my shoelaces near the metro...

when I was leaving work and she was sitting by the fountain, looking at the surface of the water, somehow intrigued by the view, as if she was surprised by what she saw... like her face in the water fascinated her... as if she had never seen it before.

But I was always rushing, I could only allow myself those little glances, or maybe I didn’t wanna know why I saw her everywhere.

Why suddenly, she was a part of my life... or the background of it anyway... then after three months I started to see less and less of her... that’s when I started to actually look for her as if some part of me was missing from the picture. It took me more time,

but I somehow I managed to still find glimpses of her, realizing I never really saw her face... just the sides of it. A half smile, a profile.. those brown shinning curls that landed softly on her back. The sweet aroma of strawberries, whenever I was too busy to look.

And the always present rainbow scarf. All those tiny things that made her who she was.

The intriguing girl that seemed to follow me everywhere I went, even if I couldn’t see her. I started to take my time with everything. I made time. I let myself breath deeper, slower... and when I took photos, I saw more in my lenses... I saw how the light reflected on different surfaces, I noticed strangers smiles and took their pictures just because I wanted to, not because I had to and my work required it. And I think somehow her presence made it happen. She slipt from my background to the main star of the show.

She made it better. Even if I didn’t even know her name or the sound of her voice.

Yet she filled my heart with ease and joy that I had been looking for such a long time.

She made me stop and wonder about the world.

One afternoon, on a cold winter day, when I was walking slowly back home, finally enjoying the view and not just walking past it, I saw her. She was by the pond again, the surface almost frozen, only some parts still reflecting the objects that got close enough...

That’s when I saw her, staring at it in amazement and yet with some sadness as if she was saying goodbye to it. I frowned and came closer slowly as if she was some mystical creature or a deer in a forest. I took my time. One small step at a time.

I thought I was quiet but she saw me or just heard my presence...

She lifted her head and looked right at me, her stare digging into me and touching my being. I took a deep breath, my heart starting to pound against my ribcage. I felt cold and hot at the same time as if something strange touched me from inside. A certain slant of light, a forgiveness. Like there was nothing more to be afraid of. I stare at her and start to open my mouth to say something. She stops me by lifting her arm, silencing me and holding me in place. The rainbow scarf flowing in the air.

She smiles at me and I catch my breath. She’s so beautiful. Deep blue eyes staring at me with kindness... and then she mouths something... I furrow my eyebrows again and try to read from her lips. My eyes widen as I understand her.

“Today... it will happen today”

I hear a crack behind me and turn around, but there is nothing there. Just an empty park, the temperature in the air dropping fast. A very cold day indeed. I look back but she’s gone as if she was never there in the first place. As if everything that happened was just in my head. In my imagination. I stumble back and start to think if maybe I should take up on some medication. Because something was definitely wrong here.

I leave the park in shaky hands and reach the sidewalk. Passing the street, not even noticing when the green light changed to red. I hear a loud screech and see a taxi cab come near me with speed. My eyes turn wider again as the car runs into my and causes my body to jump in the air... I roll back on the ground, as my body bangs against the hard concrete surface. I lie there in strange position, something warm running down my face, I close my eyes to scared to even look. I feel weak, everything turning so cold...

I hear my heartbeat... as it slows down... all the noises around me fading. I breath slower and slower, thinking:

 “Is this it? So this is how it ends?”

As all the world fades away to oblivion, I hear the voice that I always wanted to hear, the voice that was in my head for the past four months. I smile as it fills my head, warm delicate fingers touching my cold hand.

“It’s okay, I am here. Don’t be afraid”

I open my eyes slowly and see a light. A light so bright it erases everything else. Yet it does not hurt my eyes.

“I was wondering where you were, I am never without you”

“Shhh... you have lost a lot of blood but it will be okay. You’re going to be okay, I promise”

“I’m not going with you?”

I ask, suddenly understanding who she was, or maybe I knew it all along. Maybe I knew that there was an angel looking over me all this time.

“No, not yet my sweet. They said I could still keep you and watch your beautiful life”

I look at her and smile. The light fades away and I see her face full of wonder. She is so beautiful, not just her looks but everything about her, as if she possesses a light of her own. And I know its true. She is the brightness that lifts the dark. My personal, kind light that is always with me and forever it will stay.

“And what made them change their minds?”

“You. And your new found love for this world. I started to notice the beauty of it and what really mattered”

She says and touches the place’s where my heart is. The warmth of her hand breaking through the material and filling me with her kindness.

“What is your name, my angel...?”

″Why, didn’t you know? I am your Grace”

She says with a smile and my heart starts to expand, wanting to be filled with all the love that I have for this woman. For my angel. I touch her scarf and stare at her questioningly. Her smile turns mischievous and I can see a certain spark that I haven’t noticed there before.

″To remind you, that life is filled with so many colors. Not just the greys”

″Thank you, my Grace... my sweet angel. Never leave me please”

“Oh, I plan to stay for a very, very long time”

.........................................................................................................................

Music inspriration : Birdy “Not about angels”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxVUee4WsoA