It's morning, I haven't slept.
It's cold but I can hear the birds.
My friend used to tell me stories before he left.
He would talk about a deep void in his chest, then tell me to listen to the birds.
He told me that they would comfort me when I'm sad, but I'm still sad.
I miss him, but he's gone.
I miss many people, but I also hate them.
My head is full of many thoughts, but this morning is quiet.
It's 9:06, and I don't think I'll be sleeping anytime soon.
Recently I've been having the same thought over and over again while I lay to rest; "I wish I was loved."
I haven't questioned it until today because I'm sure we all have depressing impulsive thoughts. "I wish I was enough." or "I want to go home." Usually these thoughts come and go like a blistery day.
But, mine just hasn't gone away.
I want to be loved because I wish things were easier. Things would be nicer if I knew someone would hold me at the end of my day. I wouldn't vomit in my mouth if I had a hand to hold. I would feel better if someone told me I was good, if I was something okay at all.
I would think, maybe for a second, that I was beautiful. That one thought could keep me going for weeks.
I want to love someone too. I want to be smug and clever, I want to be gentle and kind. I want to see their laugh in the sunset and smile thinking about them.
I want my words and thoughts to matter to someone. I don't need the sun, I just need to be kept warm.