Hey, I’ll keep this short, but know when I say that I never mean it. So much time has passed I’m pretty sure it’s lapped me three and a half times over. It’s been hard, it’s been aggravating, it’s been paralyzingly existential and at the same time indescribably simple. I’ve been falling apart, trying to write down all of my loose ends. But you see, dear friend, there’s nowhere to start, no clear beginning to the events of this downfall. I don’t have a reason. Just drowning in all that I am. My best parts are hidden away, twisted and contorted between experiences. And I’m doing it. I’m putting myself there. All of my qualities are diverted to conserve energy. I’m convinced the right person won’t have anything left of me, tangled heartstrings make up a tightrope too thin for him to walk on. I don’t have a terribly awful story. Nothing close to tragic.

“You’re breaking yourself.” They lament.

“This is you.” They accuse.

Enlighten me on who you think I am. All the parts that I can’t understand, go ahead really. You know it’s funny cause I’ll ask that and as you’re talking something seems to make you mad. Suddenly your accusations contradict themselves and before you know it you’re nearly as confused as I am. What troubles you? You’re scared to upset me, but I don’t ever want to see you so bottled up. So all the good, and the bad don’t hold back. You know it’s kind of ironic, the only time I’m smart it makes me sad. I hear what you’re saying while your darty eyes and wringing hands fill in everything you leave out.

But I told you I only want the truth babe. Don’t hold back for me. I know you’ve started settling, you tell me it’s worth it cause you can talk me up to more than I am with pretty painted words. How I love your pictures. But dearest there’s a heart made for you you won’t have to bargain for. I find it laughable, the heart made for me I wasn’t made right for. And you started your description so confident in your arrogant preconceptions. But I can tell you aren’t as sure after all. Know that when I began this address I intended to be talking about me. What a beautiful representation of myself that I ended up talking about you anyways. All my love xx.

Tackling happy is tough- it’s a big word.

Get specific. Besides who, what, when, where,

why is this feeling different than your normal?

Is it exciting, or maybe scary? Is it something that’s never happened before, or is it a repeat performance? How intense does it feel? Like getting a Kahoot answer right, placing first, like nailing a recipe, or like water will drip from your eyes?

Are you really happy? Or is that just what you expect happy to be like? Are you happy or are you just okay? How long can you stay that way?

Figure that out, keep it in mind, and then think of this:

Personify what is making you happy. They believe the opposite of what you feel, and it’s up to you to convince them otherwise.

********************************************

I call my wife every night since we’re pretty much long distance. Our schedules are staggered, but I always call when they’re allowed to. We like to call before bedtime, and because of my wife’s job, they tend to fall asleep first while I stay up to catch up on work. I can’t sleep unless I hear my wife snoring and sleeptalking.

Long distance is hard, of course, but we’re so close yet so far away. My parents are controlling and they don’t know about us. They’re always controlled by work training and rules and regulations. We make it work, but if it weren’t for the internet... Time apart really wrenches the heart. We see each other maybe three times a year, and I always look forward to the next time I’ll be able to hear their snoring live, in 4D.

My wife and I have very different attachment styles. I can be satisfied with just hearing their snoring for a couple hours, whereas they would rather spend every waking moment of life with me, doing all our shenanigans, without worrying about work, family, or the other shit that gets in between us.

I never should have told them I have been conditioned to only fall asleep to the sound of their snoring and room noise. Ever since I told them that, they roll their eyes in insecurity when I joke about it or tease them about it. I tell them because it's endearing, and it's cute to me, even if they don't think so.

Because you asked, here is an idea. Hope you don't think I am lame! Why dont you write what you typically write, spill out all the pain and then rewrite it as the joyful story you wish it to be. I hope you don't mind, I took the liberty to rewrite a piece of yours that I really connected with into a joyful piece, as follows:

"We created a world big enough for the both of us; big enough to fit your pain and mine. The garden we made together has grown and flourished. There is a big open room allowing us the space to love each other. You cleaned out the boxes from your childhood, along with your addiction. I built a castle for us, one where we could get away from the world when we wanted, a place where we could patch and paint over the crumbling walls, gazing upon the rolling hills outside of the picture window. We found our way, making a new world for ourselves, with a new garden where the seedlings are blooming and thriving. I wish the whole world could see them now, as they breathe."

Start a gratitude journal. Think of three things a day that you are thankful for. You can be thankful for people like family and friends, it can even be as simple as a good cup of coffee. Doing this enough can help rewire your mindset into looking for things to be thankful for in everything you do. This is something I need to personally work on doing every day.

I do the same. and I am trying to stay positive, as I believe in the law of attraction so I am changing my future. To my wants, desires, and positive days ahead.

Soooo what is my idea for myself I am sharing with you?

I have at least 30 journals of all my spewing my negativity...

I am making a "Good Days" journal. and

Write in it every day!

Even if all you have to say is you saw 5 monarch butterflies and what it means

then draw butterflies, personalize it. have fun with it. Put color in it with stickers and markers. Make it vibrant.

I've been saying this for 30 years....

"Every day is a God-day, how can it not be a good-day?"

It's time for us writers to start writing about the good in our lives too if we don't already. This is a good way to start that.

"Good Daze" "Good Dayz" "Good Days" have fun with it. Let it raise your vibe instead.

If you have nothing good to write. Look up an "affirmation" and write that down. write " I love me " but every day write something positive.

"Good Daze"

Athena

i spent last night cutting off chunks of my hair. just me and a pair of dull scissors sprinkled with strands of hair i spent the last year trying to grow out. dramatic? perhaps. impulsive? probaby. what my therapist meant by "healthy coping mechanisms"? definitely not. i'd probably have regrets if i wasn't in such a deep state of apathy, but i don't care to imagine that right now, so i won't. those of you who have somehow remained unfucked-up will not understand the wave of absolute euphoria that follows this kind of exertion of absolute and total control. it makes it all so worth it.

Don't forget your memories. When you throw away a memory, you can't get it back. It's like having a dream, good or bad, then waking up and not remembering it. Someday, you'll want to remember those dreams. I know you're a goldfish brain, but that does not give you any excuse because you can write those memories down. (Probably why you can write because if you couldn't you'd be in a bit of a pickle). Best of luck, your younger self.

P.S. If you're still single, it's ok. Being single has it's perks.