this illness

has defined me

for so long,

i'm not sure

i remember

how to live.

the world falls apart

beneath your grip

dust

between

your fingers

and she dropped it in the fires

of fury and pain

the petals once red and true

are now black at the edges as they

f a

l

l

off

into the flames

which lick the colours

and burn it

to ashes

love is dead.

keep on trying

dont give up

you were always persistent

you were always enough

but now something happened

and now you have crashed

with this self induced downfall

your hopes have been dashed

this is my plentitude

this is my joy

this is deficiency

my need to destroy

my heart is in peices

my soul on the floor

it’s battered and bashed

and yet it wants more

my personal plethora

of bad and the good

if I was to explain it

I don’t think I could

this weight on my chest

was put there by me

the weight of only absence

the weight of being free

this abundance of bounds

and the weight of this chain

keeps spiraling downwards

I imagine this pain.

this girl is a waste.

she deserves so much less

there is some who can love you

but not make a mess

if I could give you my happy

your sad I would steal

to see that smile on your face

finally be real.

Sprinkling starlight on

the seafoam frosting

at the edge of the

unknown ocean

And watching it

sink with a sparkle

beneath the glaze

of the gleaming waves

Letting my feet sink

into the spongey sand as

my toes touch the

water baked in moonlight

Never forgetting the

taste of that syrup

sweet sunset across

those delicious waters

you are blue

blue girl

blue eyes

blue heart

a thief

who stole

stole my breath

stole my pride

stole my spirit

broken beyond belief

but completely perfect

so beautiful

you told us of your troubles

bravely and without hesitation

crying

eyes red

we listened

with rapt attention

was that when i knew

that i loved you?

or maybe it was later

when you had to step out

i followed you

and you sobbed

angry at yourself

angry at what you thought

was deficiency

when really

it was just humanity

you told me i’m a good listener

that’s just for you, though, love

even now most of my friends never knew about you

about what you mean to me

will always mean to me

blue girl

with the crystal clear eyes

and sharp mind

we loved each other at the same time

but could never say

just quite how we felt

neither of us knew until after

don’t you wish we would’ve?

oh, we would’ve been something

something amazing.

you

were numinous

to the blue girl

with the blue eyes

and the blue heart-

thank you.

a failure.

i’m a damn failure.

everyone around me says otherwise,

but how could i possiblity believe them,

when i don’t believe my own mind?

the world will keep spinning

and i will treck forward.

it’ll be okay.

eventually.

i feel mad.

at myself.

at those around me.

this is going to be a lot of sleepless nights.

maybe it can be fixed?

not that it matters.

nothing seems to matter much.

all i ever wanted was to heal

and it seems like every brave step forward

just sends me careening out of control.

is life supposed to feel

like falling uphill?

swallow my fear

just keep going

the future won’t wait

for my empty emotions

but i wish it would

just slow down-

i’m still here!

of course nothing will ever wait.

not for me.

not for you.

not for anyone else.

the wheel keeps rolling

and it won’t stop

even if i get crushed beneath it’s weight.

and i also hope

that the one person

i most need

will finally see

what i really need.

t.j. says i should just be more honest.

more honest.

more open.

what, just like i should simply strip off this exhaustion

and reveal the ‘okayness’ underneath?

i’ve been told

this isn’t a failure

that my path just requires

a course correction

a course correction.

my ship is sailing

through tumultuous seas

and the mast has been torn down

but it can be repaired

even still.

a course correction.

i can work with that.

comfort

in grey skies

love

in cold mornings

joy

in fresh snow