I love how your hand

Fits perfectly in mine.

When I am with you,

I lose all sense of time.

The world falls away,

Pain, hurt, and worries too.

There is nothing on this earth

I wouldn’t do for you.

I would live in a box,

I don’t care where we might be,

As long as I know

I’ll have you with me.

You’ve shown such immense love,

Care, compassion, and respect.

The well of your heart,

It has an unending depth.

You always put me first,

Even though I don’t deserve it.

I’m constantly, and will forever be,

Amazed it’s you I get.

You handle my freak outs,

My demons, my past,

And the plague of insecurities

That sneak up so fast.

Through the doubts in my mind,

The paranoia and pain,

You never make me feel crazy

Or question what’s in my brain.

You pay attention when I speak,

You listen to every word,

But you don’t just hear me,

You make me feel heard.

With you I am at peace

And your hugs they give me life.

I so very much look forward

To the day I become your wife.

Every compliment you give,

Every word that you say,

I wholeheartedly believe

And in my head they replay.

You make me feel safe.

You make me feel protected.

You give me more than hoped,

So much more than I ever expected.

You’ve proven it all,

Time and time again.

Without a shadow of a doubt,

I know this love will never end.

I adore you more than words,

Even more than life itself.

With you here in my world,

There is an immeasurable wealth.

I will try my best to show you

That I am not going anywhere,

That I will always, always, always,

Always, be there.

So, my love,

It’s clear our love has no measure,

And we will be...

Together,

Forever.

You used to be everything I wanted

You used to be everything I needed

You once made me feel so alive

Talking to you always made me happier

Seeing you always made my day

But you changed

Or I changed

Or we both changed

Maybe now

I am just beginning to see the real you

Maybe now

I am not blinded by my infatuation

By my hope that you were different

By my desire to only see the good in you

Maybe now

I am truly allowing myself to see your wrongs

The things about you I know are toxic

The traits I mistakenly believed you possessed

Maybe now

You are not acting out of your own infatuation

No matter how momentary it was

Or how shallow and flimsy it turned out to be

Maybe now

I am seeing the you that everyone else sees

The naive and flawed human being that you are

Instead of the perfect superhuman I wished for

Maybe now

I am finally beginning to see the real you

But when was it that you saw the real me

And realized

That I was not what you wanted?

When did I change

From someone you said you couldn’t live without

From someone you promised you would never hurt

To someone you could forget?

To someone you could break?

When did I change

From someone you vowed you would always believe in and support

From someone you swore you would never leave

To someone not worth fighting for?

To someone not worth waiting for?

When did the truth stop mattering to you?

When did how I felt turn into something that meant nothing to you?

I wish I could know

I wish you would tell me

But I’m not sure I will ever understand

Because I’m not sure if I will ever even ask you

I will forever live with these questions

I will forever be left in this state of not knowing

I thought you were everything I wanted

I thought you were everything I needed

But I guess I was wrong

Because what I really wanted

What I truly needed above anything else

Was just to be wanted

To be needed

And now I know that you don’t want me

And you don’t need me

You changed

Or I changed

Or we both changed

And I still can’t tell if it is for the better

Infidelity.

'Cheater', the word cries.

'Unfaithful', 'untrustworthy', it screams.

'Betrayer' is the name the letters throw at my face.

'Disloyal, that is what you are', they point.

I am accused of these.

And all these accusations would not be wrong.

For all of this and more is what I am.

But I have not acted with or against anyone else.

I have not been with one behind another's back.

I have not acted detestably towards anyone I know.

I have not even gossiped or lied about a friend.

No, not even that.

Not this time.

This time it was myself.

Against myself, I have committed all of these crimes.

I allowed your curious hands to cross my boundaries and go where they should not have been.

It was against my own body, my own mind, my own soul that I committed the offense.

I cheated on myself,

Even if it was your fingers on my skin, your body next to mine.

I was unfaithful to the lines I drew,

Untrustworthy was my will and strength in keeping myself until I was fully ready to give myself away.

I betrayed my own trust, and now I can't be alone with someone without being afraid of what might happen.

It was against myself that I was disloyal, against my whole being.

I broke the vows and promises I made to myself.

I whispered I was fine when I wanted to scream and make it stop.

I lied to you when I said I was ok and I lied to myself thinking I could be.

My lips betrayed me when I needed them most.

My body froze when I needed it to push me away from you and you away from me.

To push us away from each other.

Now I feel both the shame and regret of the cheater,

As well as the pain and deception of the cheated.

And maybe I deserve both...

Maybe I deserve both.

My heart is black

And my body is numb

My mind is frozen

And my soul is gone

The monsters are free

And the demons are out

The ghosts are haunting

And the devil is running about

So you better run

You better hide

Cause I can't keep

All these things inside

The darkness is spreading

Swallowing everything around me

In its deep dark hole

So please go on

And leave me be

You gotta trust

That this is for your safety

The light has disappeared

And the ground is freezing over

Killing everything it touches

I am becoming what I am scared of most

The monsters and demons

I try to be free from

We are becoming one

This loneliness beats in my chest where my heart used to lie

I breathe in the emptiness letting it fill my lungs like oxygen

The darkness runs through my veins where there once was blood

I have demons in my mind

Ghosts in my soul

And monsters in my heart

Soon they will all be that is left of me

My whole life

I have always been in the middle

Always simply the mediocre

Never one thing or the other

Never one extreme or the other

Never the girly girl or the tomboy

Never the pretty one or the ugly one

Never the sweetheart or the bully

Never the mute or the chatterbox

Never the smart one or the dumb one

Never the prude or the flirt

Never the most thoughtful or thoughtless

Never the best or the worst at anything

Never the loneliest or the most popular

Never the strongest or the weakest

Never the fastest or the slowest

Never the happiest or the saddest

Never the most hopeful or hopeless

Never the rule follower or the rule breaker

Never the biggest help or burden

Never the most useful or useless

Never the energetic one or the dull one

Never the brave one or the coward

Never the least or most traumatized

Never the one with the easiest or hardest life

Never the most grounded or aloof

Never the most truthful or dishonest

Never the selfless one or the selfish one

Never the believer or the doubter

Never the sane one or the crazy one

Never the least or the most screwed up

Never black or white

Always only all grey

I have always been just the normal one

The one in between

I have always been simply

There

Nothing head turning

Nothing spectacular

Nothing noticeable

Nothing interesting

Nothing memorable

Nothing noteworthy

Nothing special

I fade into the background

If life were a play

I would be in the ensemble

No one in the audience would see or care

Whether I was present or not

I disappear

I become invisible

I am invisible

Will I ever be anything else?

Will I ever be anything more

Than this?

Than me?

I wasn’t worth it

Worth waiting for

Worth dealing with

Worth the effort

Worth the work

It felt like you simply played with my heart

You were the cat and I was the mouse

But once I ran away

You didn’t bother chasing after me

Because I wasn’t worth your time or energy

You quickly moved on

To what next grabbed your attention

I don’t know what to think anymore

I don’t know what to trust

You make these assurances

And speak these promises

But how am I to believe you

When all I can see is a cat

Playing games with a mouse

And getting bored

Just when it all started

Just as connections were being made

Just as attachments were being formed

Or am I all backwards with everything

Was I the issue

Was I really the cat

And you the mouse

Was I chasing you

Not realizing

Not caring

That you were running away

Was I only seeing what I wanted

What I hoped to be true

Instead of seeing reality

I never thought

I never imagined

That I would be here

Feeling such conflicting emotions

Wanting so badly to be mad

To hate you

To blame you

But knowing deep down that I never could

Because there is too much love

Too much care

Too many feelings

For me to ever see you as the bad guy

Which leaves me

The only other option for fault

The only one left to take the guilt

And I will

It is almost an automatic response for me now

So many have played these games with me

With my heart

With my head

With everything and anything I offer up

I thought you were different

I hoped you were different

But I guess I was wrong

Once again

I guess I just expected too much

From you

From everyone around me

From the world

I want people to prove

That they are angels

That they are saviors

That they are something they are not

And could never be

And I know they can’t be those things

But I wish for it all the same

Too many times have these games been played

Too many times have I been taken advantage of

Too many times have I been lied to

Too many times have I been not told the full truth

Too many times

Too many damn times

I don’t want these games anymore

I don’t want any of this anymore

The only solution

Is to not play

So I quit

If there is no mouse alive to play with

The cat can entertain itself elsewhere

And if there is no cat alive needing amusement

The mouse can freely live

Either way

Whether I am the mouse

Or the cat

The only answer

The only way to fix this

Is ceasing to exist

I knew this would happen

I even told you this would happen

The more you get to know me

And the deeper you fall into my darkness

And the more of my disturbed mind you see

The more you pull away

And the more helpless you feel

And the more scared of me you become

I knew this would happen

Because it always does

I knew this would happen

Because people are predictable

They genuinely believe

That they will stay forever

That their opinion of me won't change

That they will always love me

That they will always care

They genuinely believe it

But believing something doesn't make it true

They ignore reality

They refuse to see the truth

And I foolishly believe along with them

I put my trust in their blind faith

That only amounts to my downfall

That only ends in me being broken

I knew this would happen

Because life is predictable

And so are people

I knew this would happen

Because it always does

I have always wanted

And hoped

And wished

To receive little notes

To be made handcrafted gifts

To be given personal mixtapes

To be thrown a surprise party

To be randomly visited

To be called just to hear my voice

To be told good morning and good night

To be leant clothing that smells like them

To be missed so much it hurts

To be sought after

To be desired above all else

To be a first priority

To be wanted more than anything

I have always hoped

Always wished

Always wanted

But I doubt it will ever come true

It feels like I have to walk on eggshells now

Like I am balancing on a very thin edge

Teetering on a tightrope

Between losing you and having you stay

I screwed up so many things

I crossed bridges that weren’t meant to be crossed

And then burned them afterwards

I keep hoping and asking for forgiveness

Even though I know I don’t deserve it

I should have treated you better

I should have been more understanding

I should have been kinder

I should have expected less

I should have been less selfish

But I was all of those things

And I continue to be all of those things

I try not to be but I don’t know how

You said you don’t like hard conversations

So I will avoid them altogether

I will be happy

I will put on a face for you

Because I am afraid

That my darkness will push you away again

That you will see me the way I see me

That you will hate me the way I hate me

I want everything to go back to the way it was

Back to when you could always make me smile

Back to when you were always there

Back to when I never doubted your love for me

Back to when I didn’t feel so alone

I wish I could just live in those few weeks forever

Those were the happiest times of my life

But I don’t think it will ever return to that again

I don’t think our friendship will ever be able to feel like that again

I have ruined too much

I have caused too much pain

It is my fault that everything is like this

It always seems to be my fault

Are you walking on eggshells around me?

It feels like you are

We are in this dance

It is disjointed and awkward and uncomfortable

We tiptoe around each other

Shying away from the ugly

Steering clear of the painful

Pretending that everything is ok

That all is healed

When it’s obvious the opposite is true

I wish I had a magic wand to mend what I clearly have destroyed

But I don’t

All I can do is continue to move as slowly as possible

And as little and as quietly as I can manage

So that I don’t scare you off

So that I don’t lose you forever