"do you still love me?" i asked. i knew the answer and i knew that it would hurt but i needed to hear it from him.

silence.

"tell me i never mattered. tell me i was a mistake. tell me you never cared," i begged. "please. don't give me false hope."

silence.

"do you still love me?" i asked. one last time.

"no, i don't. i don't love you, not anymore," he said.

"oh," i replied.

"oh" as in my heart just got ripped into a million pieces.

"oh" as in i won't tell you because you wouldn't care how i feel anyway.

"oh" as in i knew it all along.

"oh" as in i still hoped you'd have said yes.

I stand on the wet white tiles in front of my bathroom mirror, looking at my reflection.

Lifeless eyes stare back at me.

With drops of water dripping from my hair, I let out a sigh.

Steam fogged the mirror, albeit not to the point that I could not see my self.

For better or for worse, that is the unanswerable question.

The same girl is standing in front of me.

Nothing was out of the usual.

Same black hair, brown skin, dark eyes,

big nose, chubby cheeks, round belly,

thick eyebrows, wide thighs,

nothing different.

Maybe one day I would see a different person looking back at me.

Maybe, just maybe, I would see a person that I could smile at with eyes shining.

Maybe then I could stand with confidence, bringing everyone to their knees.

I look in the mirror every night and see the flaws that I cannot grow to accept.

The flaws I cannot hide.

The flaws everyone can see.

The flaws I pretend to ignore.

Why do I continue to stare at myself every night as if it would make things better?

As if it would make a difference?

As if someone, anyone could bare to like a girl like me?

[journal #1 about messy thoughts at 23:11; a rant that i tried to fix up; i needed to vent but i cannot find the right words nor the motivation to write a piece]

To the one that got away,

I cannot put into right words how painful it is to think that you are not mine anymore. Those hopes and dreams with you are gone and it’s crushing my heart. I have to let go of that part of me, the part wherein you belong. Do not worry. I’ll be fine. I still have the dreams you’ve heard and known in me. I vow that I will achieve them even though you will not be by my side when I do. You will no longer be a part of them, a sad reality that I should have accepted a long time ago.

I apologize for being reckless and selfish. At some point, I could have done some things that you have always wish for me to do. Maybe that could have made you stay put. I was so overwhelmed by your love that I thought you’d still accept the mess that I was. I was wrong. I forgot that people change. They get tired as well. I admit that I didn’t see the changes coming. Forgive me for the things I have done that made you mad and sad, the things that had hurt you. And for the things you asked for me to do that I did not accomplish.

I miss you. I miss how you’d gave me butterflies every time you sing to me. I miss how clingy you were, checking up on me almost every second, no exaggeration needed because that’s the truth. I miss everything about you. I miss how you loved and treasured me. I miss the old you. And the old "us" as well.

I am not angry. I am hurt but not mad. I loved you, I love you still, but not the selfish kind of love, not like the love I had for you when we were still together. It is something that I can not properly or beautifully articulate into words. Only my heart knows what kind of love it is. I will never forget the memories we created and the lessons you have taught me.

I know you are happy at this time. I wish you even more happiness in the future. Someday, you’ll meet the person you have always wish to see in me. She will be gentle and kind. She will be your greatest fan every step of becoming who you really wanted to be. I had that chance but let it slip away from my hand. I might even dare to call it the biggest regret I have ever had.

Maybe one day we will run into each other. Maybe then we would be mature enough to handle such circumstances in a relationship. Maybe then we’ll figure out our mistakes. Maybe we could give it another shot. Maybe. Someday.

Until then, see you whenever the chance falls into our hands.

Always and forever,

Delilah

You were my biggest regret

From the first time our eyes met

I regret every memory

Every tear, every "I love you"

And every last word that I spent

Wasting on someone just like you

You smashed my heart and hid the glue

I'm such a wreck because of you

I should've known you were not true,

Your fingers crossed with each "I love you"

You've moved on but I'm still stuck

Trying to go on with no such luck

There are stanzas of words meant for you but still aren't said for the sake of feelings...

the whole idea of this is art

for art is the abstract reasoning of things..

art is the attraction ridiculed by time,

art is me...

for I am afraid of revealing the truth.

It is the color in her eyes. It is the color of the sea.

It's no coincidence that you can drown in both.

It is the winter's chill. It is the color of her bedsheets.

It is the cool breeze on your face. The breath you exhale after you kiss her.

It is the crunch of ice and the hush of snow. It is the sound of words whispered privately.

It is the peace and contentment you feel as you hold her in your arms.

It is the loneliness I feel and the tears I cry for you as you love somebody else.

But most importantly, it will always be the color of her eyes, the same color as the sea.

The sea in which I lost you.