Feelings.

Feelings coursing through my veins.

Dripping out of the cracks in my heart.

Fifty shades of blood red love.

Tearing at the seams.

My love was burning out

Slowly dying with the passion

Of things we used to feel.

Spit stains on you tongue.

Pink lipstick pressed to your cheeks.

Whiskey and wine drowning what

Little love your stone cold heart felt.

Cigarette scented clothes as I hugged you goodbye.

Little did I know.

That hug would be the last time

I ever felt your fake love.

Tears streaming down my face as I swore

I would never love you again.

I swore I'd never let you back in.

And as you stood on my front porch

In the pouring rain, begging for another chance.

I felt my heart give in to your crooked ways.

As you hugged me close again,

I told myself this was love.

And so I fell yet again.

And just like always, you were the one to trip me.

Caught in your Web of lies.

I stood from the fire and rose above you.

Finally. As courage filled my lungs

Like air, I screamed out every

Ounce of pain you ever threw at me.

As I turned away from you forever,

You let out one last sigh.

The only thing you were good for

Next to lying and drinking to forget me.

I live my life in twos.

My hand brushes against the brick wall. Without a moment's hesitation, I spin and brush the other. It's even, and I relax.

I tread lightly on a loose stone laying on the path. I stop in my tracks and position the other foot over the rock, pressing down until the feeling is mirrored. It's even, and I keep walking.

My bag weighs down my right shoulder. My mum always tells me to use both straps; "You're straining your back." I never used to care.

Now I feel the pressure, and switch from right shoulder to left. I want to make it even.

The way the bag dug into my right side isn't the same on my left - a binder inside is askew, and no matter how much I twist and turn, it won't fit.

It's not right. It's not the same.

The binder is pressing into my lower spine, and my twisting has made the strap rub my shoulder. The skin is burning from the friction, but it doesn't compare to the fire I feel in my now too empty right shoulder. There's a feeling missing. It's wrong.

The strap feels red-hot, burning the skin on my shoulder. I snap and slide the other strap on.

The binder presses on my right hip and my spine, but my left side is empty.

The strap on the left side is tighter than the right, like a hand gripping my shoulder. I'm still walking, but the hand seems to be pulling me the way I came.

I become aware of my breath, burning in my throat with each inhale. Each one comes faster than the last.

The bag is wrong. My shoulders are wrong.

I can feel the binder on one hip and not the other.

It's off.

It's wrong.

"Fix it."

Shut up.

"It's wrong. It's off."

I know. There's nothing I can do about it.

"Fix it now."

I'm trying. 

My skin is burning. The pressure spreads from my shoulders to my spine and shoots down my legs.

My foot scuffs the ground, the sole of my shoe catching a crack in the concrete.

"It's not even."

I know. I can fix it.

I drag the other foot across the ground.

"Too much. Too much. It's off. You're off."

I can't think.

I don't know if I'm still walking. 

My shoulder burns.

My hip is empty.

There's a hole where the feeling should be.

Five toes are jammed into the front of my shoe and five aren't.

Five are off.

Half are off.

It's not even.

There's pressure where there shouldn't be and emptiness where I need feeling. I'm off.

"You're off."

I can't breathe.

"Fix it."

I can't.

"It's not even."

I'm not even.

"It's wrong."

It's all wrong. I'm burning.

"Fix it."

I can't.

I've nothing to think

I've nothing to say

I've nothing to feel

Can't take no more today

I question who you are

I question your response

I question my thoughts

Can't take the nonchalance

Old friend, you have teased me for years

Broken bones and split heads

Spoken tones and Marlboro reds

You'll take me now because the universe needs me

I just ask, let me feel the breeze

If it's one last time, can I feel the breeze?

The pressure on my fingers

I'm slipping, but I'm not questioning why I'm going now

For everything comes, and everything goes

I just hope one day I'm reincarnated to find you again

Bright eyed and smiling the way you always did

I guess that I can live without you but without you I'll be miserable at best

And I know you don't think that you're doing fine

But I'm stuck in this rut

I'm focusing on work and school but you always appear in the back side of my mind

There used to be a joyous sound when I heard your name but now it almost brings me to tears

It's been too long for me not to be over this

But it's harder than you think

Even though I'm trying to forget seeing pictures of us brings back that pain

I wish I could have done something

I have to stop I know I could enter have done anything I just need to let it go

So shove it under the lines of papers bury it deep in the lyrics of songs or put a happy face on and let it leak out when you're alone

I'm alone often now I think I need someone here to fill the void

I know it's a bad Idea because I want someone like you but they would remind me of you

Emerged a soul under Cretan Bull,

Believer of repel than in a pull.

Warm blooded looks which never acted cool..

Brainy wolf claiming to be sheep wit wool.

She wasn't coy but definitely a tomb boy,

Basket ball was her chosen toy.

Never she flagged a lady pout,

Finding peace amidst scream and shout!

Pushed to core she chose to un-yield

Obscureness always had her fate sealed,

And To add on panacea was her field!!!!!!

In journey of life she had her own ways to tangle,

To remain precious Pringle she opted to be single!!

Believer of Karma she had another art,

Not to be entangled with love she hid her heart!!!!

Far across the ocean she stood like a sun,

Friend of friend she had a heart of bun.

How hard she claimed she wanted to be a nun

At the end of day even her heart would beat for one.

-Born Maverick

Tell me a story he said

As I gazed into his eyes

About what, I asked

About yourself,

Tell me what hurts you,

I See the pain you hide inside.

I grimaced as I you said these words

For nothing prepared me to answer this.

I was young and in love.. or so I thought.

He was my best friend and my everything

But it soon ended in tragedy.

I trusted him with every fiber of my being

I let all my walls down FOR HIM.

He couldn't respect me and when I demanded some,

He went crawling to them.

But he didn't want to be lonely, so he settled for me

But on the side he settled for them when I didn't give in to his ways.

He stripped me of my pride and clothes.

Left black and blue scars on my heart,

And destroyed any trust I ever had.

I don't know what hurt more,

The things you did to me,

Or knowing you did it to them too.

You downed another glass of vodka

The way you always did

As I sat on the phone telling you everything I loved about you.

You blew another cloud of smoke from your lying mouth

As I whispered in the phone how much you meant everything to me.

And as you spit in her mouth, I told you how I'd thought you were perfect.

Turns out I was a liar just like you.

Only I lied to protect you and you lied to protect yourself.

I finally opened my eyes and took a deep breath

I looked into your eyes and spoke calmly,

"Not today"

You nodded in agreement.

Maybe that's why

Maybe that's why I had so much pain

So it would teach me to let go

And lead me to you.

My happiness.

Things fall apart for a reason.

You gave me hope and destroyed it all at once

For so long I had built my walls around you

Never did I understand why things kept falling apart

But every time they did, I was your glue

I tried to hold you together while your world burned all around you

But when my world started to burn

You went behind my back and loved another girl

Although I don't think I'd label it as love, it was more like tenth degree lust

Her spit still stained your tongue as you pressed your lips against mine and mumbled "I love you"

One, two, three, four

Add another to the list

How many girls did it take for me to see through the lies you spoke through gritted teeth

I'm still not sure why things fell apart the way they did

Maybe I needed to learn a lesson

Or maybe you're just too cruel, even for this world

I loved you

But now, I just hate you.

When your world comes crashing down again

I hope it blows up in your face

So I can dance in the remains

And finally feel free from your tormenting soul

Goodbye cruel destiny

One day I'll be better than your destruction

You might be behind the scenes.

Deprived, of so many things

You might be all alone

Rejected, by everyone you know

You might be the enemy

Convicted, by reality

You might have been, left to die

Your choices, ruined your life

You might be full of regrets

Time travel, to change your bets

You might be living in fear

Someone out here, is wishing you dead

You might be lost in time

Wandering from pain to crime

You might be locked in a box

Claustrophobic, smeared by lies

You might have been in the light

Fallen, displaced by hate

You might have lost your gear

Broken, revenge on plate

No matter what you were

We are humans.

We make mistakes

Don't for a second

Think you're done

Raise your arms

Words last forever.

Pick your pen and prose, on and on

You didn't hit me

You didn't embarrass me

But I'd take that

Over everything you did.

You made me questions myself

You made me feel useless

You thought your jealousy was reason enough

To break me.

You cornered me

Told me I was pathetic

And in front of others,

Held my hand like a friend would.

You broke my trust

You betrayed our friendship

You made me insecure

You turned me into stone.

And you say

That you didn't mean to.

But, I got all you wanted

And that made you angry.

But how does that justify anything?

Because we both wanted the same

I just worked harder for it

And all you did was wait.

So I'd rather you beat me

Humiliate me

Physically hurt me

But don't mentally break me.