TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF RAPE

I couldn't sleep at 4 AM

I gave into my weakness

I looked you up today

Trying to find any sign you still care, that you still speak of me

I saw some of your pictures as a child

And wondered how someone once so small and fragile

Could turn out to be such an evil human being

Poking and prodding at other's minds

Like they were specific pieces in your sick game

Using them, using me

And round and round it goes

Poisoning our thoughts and souls

-

I saw you today, or at least I thought I did

You (or not) were sitting in a car glaring at me

I had a flashback today because of you

It does not matter if it was you or not

Just the idea is enough to set me off

I cried for an hour and a half I felt so

Weak.

-

Today is the 4th of July

Last night I was laughing with my cousins, it was great

I eventually got to sleep, having a night terror soon after

I woke up in a cold sweat

As soon as the clock struck twelve, my body knew

I threw up because of you

The 4th of July is supposed to be

A time of laughter and joy with family

Instead, it's an anniversary for my PTSD.

-

I feel as though my life is being run by you

I had another night terror last night

There I stood, bruises and scratches lining my body

“I could have fucked you harder.”

You said that with such a disgusting look

Then you smiled your beautiful cheeky smile

Your words get twisted

In my head

Make me want to give up, to cry to

Die

This isn't a poem but I wanted to share it anyway lol. This was an assignment for my summer class and the question was: "What Coming-of-age stories have you read? Describe."

One of the coming of age stories that I have read was a segment in The Book of Mormon called: Testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith Jr., was born in 1805, in Sharon, Vermont (and later moved to Manchester in the 1818, early 1819). When Joseph was about 12, he started to become fascinated with the teachings of God and quickly became worried about all the sinning he had committed. Joseph Smith was a farmer and had a lot of work to do each day, but he made time to attend church throughout the years and when he was 14, he began searching for a religion to call his own. He had heard of many a religious teacher, yet he was not sure what religions spoke the truth about Jesus’ teachings. One day, he was consumed with spiritual doubt and decided to follow James’ advice from the bible: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” and prayed to God for answers. While in the midst of praying, Joseph Smith was interrupted, he looked up and saw a gleaming light, brighter than the sun. God and Jesus descended from the sky and God spoke to Joseph saying: “This is my son, hear him.” (Heavenly Father, First Vision) Jesus Christ went on to tell Joseph Smith about how all other denominations are wrong and teach incorrect doctrines.

This is a coming-of-age story because Joseph Smith had finally found himself and an answer in Christ and was no longer lost in his ways and mind.

The greatest gift I've ever received, is one of grave importance

Not the most fantastic or best gift, mind you.

The largest. The largest gift I've ever been given was from you.

You said you had something for me. You smiled while you gave it to me. You even opened it for me. I didn't want the gift. I looked to you horrified, confused. You were smiling still.

You asked me if I liked it, the gift. I shook my head vigorously and asked you to take it back.

The greatest gift I've ever received was from you.

The greatest gift I've ever received, was PTSD.

Dear Best Friend,

What I fear most of all is you

I walk into class, you were there waiting for me, no one was allowed to talk to me but you

I walk down the road, you were there waiting for me, you proceeded to ask him what he did to me

I walk into your arms, you were there for me, although you were showing signs of doubt

I walk into your heart and you were so far away, I could not reach

Is this what love is

I am not sure

You spitting out vulgar words at me, like a dagger to the heart

You calling me demeaning names, looking at me with such intensity

You coming into my room, putting your hands on me, demanding pleasure for me

You, and your sick mind and disgusting ways, thinking I was your toy, your insignificant plaything

Dear Abuser,

What I fear most of all is you.

He hates school, he gets bullied every day

You're a girl, you're a girl they all say

He told his mom, his mom denies it, his father doesn't know, but if he did he would surely cry.

You're a girl, you're a girl she says all the time

He has a best friend, who hates to see him hurting, and says if she could she would get him the surgery and all the necessary things needed to transform so no one would even know about his biological form.

His best friend even went to the counselor's office and told them what she knows, they called his mom and told her that he's suicidal

His mom says: "Just go on medication." But she was sadly mistaken and was quite shaken at what happened next to her little "girl".

He came home and decided he wanted to end his life. He grabbed some pills and a knife, went up to his room and with no fight with morality, he stabbed himself and took the pills. Goodbye, painful reality.

Moments later his mother walks in. Finds his body dead, cold, lifeless lying there on the floor.

She thinks if she had just listened, maybe her son would have conquered that internal war that had went on inside his mind, the reason why he committed suicide.

As she kneels beside his head, she sees something under the bed. A note.

The note read:

Dear Mom and Dad,

Mom, please don't blame yourself for me being dead. It wasn't you it was life, society, all the terrible things they said. Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't bear to tell you, I would hate for you to be disappointed in me, and I've cherished all the times we had very dearly. But, before you leave I have one plea. Please, take care of my pets for me.

With love, your son,

                                        Jeordie

You.

You were my best friend.

My ally.

My protector.

My savior.

You held my trust in your hands.

You.

White.

Purity.

Pure is what I was, you took that from me.

White.

Your favorite color in Magic.

Avacyn.

Protection.

Do you remember that story about how he hates me and I told you I went to talk alone with him and you asked me if he “touched me in a bad place” ?

No, you did.

You said you would protect me.

I need protection from you.

How completely fucked is that?

When I can't go to sleep

Only to see your face

Dark, full of lust.

You wouldn't stop.

I said no incessantly.

You didn't stop.

You.

Once my friend.

Now my worst enemy.

Your face a horrible memory.