centuries of learned destruction

one after the other after the other

a snowball rolling down hill

it all started with just a tiny snowflake

here we all sit in today, this hour, this minute

never seen before and never seen again

there are times i want to grab the moment

i want to hold it like a lover and keep it safe

there are the times my mind

my thoughts swims backward

i walk into my 6 year old self

everything looks different

nothing is familiar or comforting

there is a tension that is palpable

in the air, a dense fog of unhappiness

my mother screaming at full volume

my dad laughing then driving away

my sister and i not even cringing

"guess we aren't having supper tonight"

we play candy land because that is fun

apologies, drunken stupors, violence, bruises

nostalgia is a bitch in red heels

sometimes i hate you like i hate picasso

i hate the trust i see when i see you in beauty

the way the universe tries to hum me to sleep

like white noise or a wheezing granny's cigarette breath

i hate when you let me fall down then extend your hand

i hate who i am so stupid and flimsy and frail

all the crisp white and neat 90 degree angles

it's like a fucking birdcage with no fucking birds

just ridiculous and oddly obscene

living life in climate controlled boxes

bitchin' and moanin' about the rough life in uv lighting

sometimes people need to roam around

pace on red dirt roads and gravel trails going on

yellow grass littered with goat-head sticker patches

the beast of the satanic botanic gardens

sometimes i just need to hate you to hate me

like grit in my teeth or blisters on my toes

lovin' ain't soft or kind or sweet

hallmark and jazz-vomit for the masses

chocolate taste like shit, roses have thorns

love is pulling your guts out, dragging them behind you

it's blind rage, arrogance and reckless stupidity

i know i love you because you break me

like a 75 year old virgin's hymen, you break me

without thought or fear or knowledge

i hate you for making me know i am living

all i want is to stop

i love you because you are the most of everything

you are the sum of all that has ever been kind and pretty

i love you because even in the inside of a monster you illuminate

you radiate and shine casting light on imperfections

and drawing this insect out to orbit until her wings crumble

inside each woman

there is a goddess

danu in a pool

of purity and ancient knowledge

shimmering with truth

abundant with life

striving for justice

you can hear her pulsing

ringing thriving rippling

waves of love and desire

splashing through the center

passed in sacred cups

from grandmother to the next

water driving passion

dedicated to wisdom

it rages tidal waves

of beauty and construction

reason and birth

as you dance barefoot

in the moonlight

revealing your worth

i want to harvest wind in a jar, pluck it out of the sky, put in in a jar and tie it up with a ribbon

your love smells of honeysuckle, sage and lilacs blooming in maine in the springtime rain

i want to dive into the pools of your eyes, swim in your thoughts and bask in the light of you

the sweet moonlight of your soul that is brighter than any star

when i see myself reflected in the lake of your being, in the windows to your soul

i am beauty

i am worthy

i am your’s

i am goddess

i am dancing for you to the cadence your laughter and light and love

you wrapped my body in a rainbow and your breath

without hesitation i submerge myself into the cauldron of your purity

overflowing with bubbles, lavender serum and the ancient wisdom of innocence

and i am each time born better than i ever dreamed

you impregnate me with happiness and a childlike fortune, a swirling twirling spirit

you make me believe in the unworldly

hold my hand, lay me down on the green grass under stars created by the passion of the holy

we call in the tides and whisper humanity into perfection

we love our greed

our hoarding and whoring

we construct social classes

the gourmands ravishing

chins, bare or bearded, dripping

rain-drops of wine and blood

all of our western excess and wastes

our all you can eat buffets

never empty gallon jugs of fizzy drinks

mdma on bar tops and refills of methadone

gaggles of edacious elites forever feasting

the are gaunt and ghostly, transparent

in constant need of maintenance and assurance

while the poor waste away

synchronicity and serendipity

conjuring up mutual need for kindredness

magical sound of a knock on the door

a blast from the past

i had no idea the sight of you would

make my heart skip in my chest

like a three year old

memories of long ago

playing cards

roaming mountains

exploring haunted houses

jaw bones of unknown animals

a rose and a poem

i saw you

the ache of missing you

boiled up then floated away

to see your face

to hear your laughter

to listen to stories

of loss

of neglect

of children

of new love

of unrighteous intruders

of adventures

of a life that molded

the girl i knew

the girl i love

into a woman

i have known my whole life

you are no longer the maiden

you are the mother

how beautiful it is

the flower you have bloomed into

-for aubrey

one day

you will know

the beauty

the light

the hope

you are

all

the bullshit

the exploitation

the abuse

the hits

the scams

the screams

the fights

the drugs

the drinks

the curses

all

all

all of it

made you

look into the eyes of our children

watch their actions/reactions/inactions

you bloom

you renew

you reincarnate

you are noble

you are pure

you are clean

you are righteous

one day

the reality will be

“your perception”