the light overruled the darkness
The moment everything changed...
I was hurt crying all day, hurt that i may never met anyone, then i met him.
He texted me out of no where didn't know who he was. I answered him i was hurting I was looking for a friend nothing more, but as soon as we started talking as more than friends, the weight was lifted off my shoulders, I met someone who changed me entirely, He understood me, he looked at me the way someone does in the movies, he changed me, he made me realize that it's okay for me to be myself, he complimented me. He said that he will help me find myself again. And he did so much i'm so thankful that i met him and my whole world changed. I was always misunderstood until I met him. Instead of leaving me after giving him my trust I told him about my past and about whats wrong with me. Instead, of leaving he had stayed. We are closer than before. So ya of course i'm different i have been changed entirely and i'm glad I am.
you ruined me
I wanna run away from the nightmares he gave me
i wanna run from my past but it keeps catching up to me wondering what i'm supposed to do
Do I let you win and ruin me like you have for the past 6 years
Do I let the pain you gave me ruin my relationships
you ruined me you gave me PTSD
you ruined me and i lost myself
you ruined my life and got away with it
I can't ever be okay because of you
your son died because of what you've done you made him feel guilty
when he died i lost a bit of myself he was my brother
you took away my happiness
you took away my love for myself
you made me blame myself
you ruined me and it's not fair
i wanna run away from the pain you caused me the pain i have to do day to day
you took my childhood from me
you ruined me and its not my fault its yours
you took so much from me
now i'm taking my life back
I ran away from you for years the pain for years
you make me so angry i wanna hit the wall and run
but now i'm done running
i'm taking my life back
I'm done letting you continue to ruin me
I will be in a good relationship
i will allow myself to be loved
i will start to love myself
i will gain motivation
i will force myself to do things even if i don't wanna get out of my bed
i'm gonna win not you
i'm still gonna feel that pain i'm still gonna want to run into a wall and disappear from a bit
but i wont make that my life
You ruined me for 11 years now i'm taking my life back
you can run into the wall now
I don’t get a thank you
I'm always here for everyone and not me do I get a thank you no I do not. I treat everyone with respect and nobody notices how i'm nicer than I should be. People only notice when I'm arguing with them or lashing out. I give more than 2 chances and nobody cares how i'm getting hurt by doing it. Why can't I have a thank you. I just want a day when people notice me and how much effort i put into everything. if i died today would they notice me. Can I get a thank you for forgiving everyone, even the people are why I am so broken, can I get a thank you for keeping my mouth shut when what I was gonna say needed said, for treating everyone with respect even if they don't deserve it, even the ones who made me broken, who taunted me every single day. I thank everyone can I just get a f**king thank you. I'm here why cant you see me. Heres a thank you to you, thank for breaking me, for making me feel like ill never be loved, to make me feel like i'm ugly, for not paying attention to why I act the way I do, for judging me, for taking advantage of me, for ruining me, Thanks, then I deserve one.
I learned to appreciate what I have
I grew up poor and I never got what I wanted. My mom worked late shifts so we had the things we needed. I learned that family and friends are more important than materials. You can never replace people. I learned to respect people, people judged me. But I learned not to judge them because I don't know what's going on in their lives. I learned to not criticize people and hurt them. I grew up to love people and to respect them even if i'm not respected. Because I learned to forgive it's not for them it's for me. If I don't give respect I ain't gonna get it. I learned to get back up again after I fall in life or physically. I learned that to never give up. My mom always supports me. I learned to not take for granted the people I have in my Life. I learned to tried my hardest. Growing up poor and having a mom who had grounded me and not let me do whatever I wanted, I learned so many things and I use the things I learned everyday, I make sure to let everyone in my life I care, I compliment people to make them feel good, I compliment people who are rude to me, I spend time with my family as much as I can, When I fall down I get back up because I need to prove that I can do this and I can beat my depression, If I fail I try again, and I forgave the guy who's in jail and he affects my life everyday I forgave him for me not him. I learned at the most to live in the moment and spend as much time as my friends and family as possible because you never no when they will be gone.
She loves with her whole heart
when she hears cries she jumps up and tried to cheer them up even if their strangers
she blushes when she's complemented
she will put you needs before her
she's used to being hurt
she loves cuddles
she loves hugs
she doesn't give up on anyone
she never judges anyone
she is weird and goofy
she will always give second chances
she loves giving gifts but doesn't like receiving
she loves stealing hoodies of anyone she dates
you know she likes you when she's being obnoxious and weird because she believe she won't be judged
she loves to give compliments
she loves the colors black and white and always dresses in them
in the future she wants to help people enjoy life and show them that no matter what their flaws are they will always be perfect and flaws make them even better
she gets through things with her heart not her head
she will love you with her whole heart and she will love you until you break her
I got here didn’t I
Being where I'm at right now isn't easy trust me, it took forever to get to where i'm at. The pain started with my Dad not caring whether he saw us or not, it hurt my mom had to beg him to see us and at least call. He chose his phone over us, I guess that's my Dad for you. My mom met a man named Jayson Hannah. He was abusive he beat the hell out of my mother and I saw it happen and couldn't help my Mom still has scars near her eyes from where he had hit her. Then she met a guy later on goes to jail for abuse. He was so nice at first, he made my mom happy then my mom gave him permission to be able to hit our butts. He took that permission way too far. Started with making us sit on a still, then kneel on a hard plastic crates, then he ratchet strapped me to a deep freeze on a crate, i was skinny still am but I was able to get out of the straps. He started to do things a step-dad shouldn't do. I didn't say anything because I didn't know it was wrong, he had taken advantage of my youth. Then we moved across town, he stopped doing those things for a while, and started to do it again, I found out it wasn't right when some adults came to our school, I tried to talk to them but my best friend had a drunk abusive foster dad who was his grandpa. And I thought that was more important and the left right after so I didn't get the chance to say anything. The physical abuse not the other kind happened all the time I would have to kneel on a wooden floor all day long. I'd have to exercise till they said stop. I had to run laps around a park and around the pond, we didn't do anything wrong, he wouldn't let us have water and would yell at us if we slowed down, second day he had water only let us have a bit, police came if we didn't have the water he would have gone to jail for abuse, after the cop left he yelled at us for crying, My mom came home and yelled at him to stop. The physical and the other kind happened when my mom wasn't home. She worked so we had things we needed my step-dad no longer my stepdad didn't have a job. He fake being physically hurt, we didn't find out till after he went to jail. His daughter's half-sister got evidence to put him in jail, took 6 months for them to get a match of his DNA on her. She was my hero. Things got so much better. I had anxiety and i'd make inappropriate jokes or be goofy and my mom put me on medicine so I stopped being myself around her. I developed depression, anxiety, PTSD, mood dis regulation disorder. I realized I liked girls and fell in love with my best-friend. We got together, I was so happy she treated me better than anyone else has. My birthday would be our 6 months but a week before my birthday found out she cheated on me. I cried a-lot I told my mom she made me stay away from her, but I still loved her, she had cheated on me a total of 8 times I loved her so much even though she hurt me. She destroyed me, A year when we were on and off when she kept cheating I went to like a total 4 mental hospitals and attempted to end my life 2-3 times. I felt hopeless, not worth much at all, and I definitely didn't cope in the best ways, I hurt myself many many times. In May 2020 we officially ended things, I went to live with my grandma because I was being abused by people in my household not my Mom she didn't know till I told her. It almost destroyed things with her and my new step-dad I called him and he got her together so I went to an RTF before I ended things with my ex-girlfriend it made me not wanna be gone I was happy. So I lived with my grandma for a month, then I went to a foster home I cried a-lot while I was their the foster mom got rude to me so my caseworker got me out of their then I went to a therapeutic foster home it's for mental health problems. They weren't trained for people with trauma and PTSD. It was amazing until I argued with my roommate, My foster mom was so rude to her everyone was I regret being mean before her it was a kid age of 10 who had a lot of problems that wasn't his fault after they both left. I got tormented got called a monster an sociopath, said I was going to go to jail, my foster mom didn't believe I was abused even though the people that did admitted they did it. They said I would accuse my new step-dad of shit, said I was ugly, I suck at everything, that i'm worthless, that i'm sh*t. That home is what destroyed me it made me wanna die, but I held it in. They said I didn't eat for attention, said that the needs I needed because of my PTSD was just for attention. I needed a nightlight, my door cracked open. I had flashback. And they didn't believe me. They definitely needed trained for trauma. They were homophobic told me I was going to hell. Would make nasty comments anytime they saw someone who was gay. She blamed me for the pain she had when her brother in law died. No matter how hard I tried I was a sh*tty person. I cried all the time. She kicked me out. I ended up going to a group home. My caseworker said if I had no issues their then she realized I was never the problem. I didn't have the best time their either I also cried all the time cause I missed home. I got into trouble a-lot cause I have bad attitude. I told people how it was and I was blunt and people didn't like it. I argued a-lot with people but that's just me and that's how I handle things. My mental health was bad their and I held it in. I just wanted to go home. My dad started to talk to me then decided to just ghost me. I hated myself so much man. I finally got home took forever to organize things. Ralph my step-dad decided to start being an ass. It's a month after my brother's death things's are extremely rough. And he made things bad. I saw my ex girlfriend at a Christmas party and met a guy I date later on. Me and my ex start flirting things while she was dating her girl and she ended up finding out. I hurt myself every Christmas pretty much. Because of my PTSD. Then I start talking to George I go to a mental hospital while we were dating he broke up with me when I got out. While I was in he told people he was single when he wasn't and flirted with his ex I became a bitch. And he is half gay like me. I became crazy with him. He got mad at me cause he slept on ft with a guy and I asked if he liked him and he got mad at me then I found out he was on a dating site while we were together and I flipped out on him then I blocked him. When I added me back we hung out at my youth group at my church we made out then got back together. I broke things off after this because he got mad if I sent him a paragraph and rarely talked to me and it made me pretty angry. We argued a-lot. And anytime he made me angry I would block him and he got mad at me. He got mad at me last year in summer when I got a gf. I think he was jealous. And he tried ruining it. I ended up breaking up with her cause she lives in Canada and her parents are homophobic she never blocked him. And she told me many people hate me. When I rejected her over and over again after we were over she got extremely mad at me and said everyone hates me. And I didn't lead her on at all. This past summer I had dated many people cause I felt alone wasn't a good thing to do. I start school this year and I meet someone named Jaxon he ends up cheating on me, and says I have a "boy toy" I ended things before I found out he had cheated on me. Then I got with the girl i'm with now. Homecoming happened, I asked a trans person if they would go with me they said yes I did like him but we didn't end up a thing. I didn't ask my ex boyfriend to go cause I didn't think he would. We end up hanging out 2 days before the dance, we get ^ and end up cuddling and making out. We didn't become a thing. Then I break up with my girl cause I got my phone taken. We get back together and she leaves me for another girl. Then we get together again and that is now. Ralph stayed an a**hole, still is. He smashed my phone so I have to get a new one. And I plan on breaking up with my gf now because I gave her like 6 chances. And i'm going to Prom next month. My gf said she can't see me this summer at all while I've knew her for a year. and I cant see her for another. She had a booty call, tried dating someone, and my best friend told her she liked me and my gf flipped out on her. And she ruined my friendship. And i'm having a hard time being okay with that. Right now I still wanna be gone, no matter what I do it's never enough. And i need to get away from my step-dad and find a place to live to get away from my mentally abusive step-dad. He calls me names and yells at me over anything literally. I'm here aren't I.
Why? you ask
I don't know why I am still here i'm trying to figure out that myself. I've been through so much and I don't know how i'm still here. I've tried to be gone so many times. I'm trying to find a reason why i'm still here but it's hard. I can't be alive for a person people say. I think possibly why is because of music, unlike people music understands me it expresses my emotions and expresses my bad days. My mom helps me get out of bed cause she won't stop yelling at me to wake up and won't let me play hooky. I hate school, the only part I love about school is my one teacher who lets me talk and cares more than a-lot of people she understands and she lets me vent. I couldn't ask for a better person to talk to. I go to school to talk to her. I go to work to get away from my step-dad. He is mentally abusive. The main thing what i'm wondering "why" is what is my purpose what am i supposed to do with my life. I wear what I wear because I feel confident in what I wear. The main reason now thinking about it. My "why" is to make this sh*ty world better than it is now. I want others to have better lives than I've had and I want to help do that. I want people to know they are enough, their perfect the way they are and no matter what happens they will always be loved by someone or they will. People deserve to be loved, I don't want anyone to have the life I had. My "why" is to improve lives, because nobody deserves what i've gone through and I want to help use what i've been through and help others.
Angels and Demons
I don't know if my brother is in heaven, cause he ended his life. But I want to see him. Why? You may ask. It's because he's my brother and I love him. I miss the campfires we had and he had all his friends and we would all play football and he taught me how to play and how to become good at it. My brother took me on his back and we got a touchdown together. I miss him so much, people joke about suicide, suicide isn't funny. I miss having him around, he's the closest person i had that I lost. I would do anything to get a chance to see him again.
Nobody knows what pain feels like until you hit rock bottom. Pain is when your lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of, wanting to disappear, to not want to get out of bed. I've felt too much pain. I'm at rock bottom, nobody listens to me, I try to cry out, but everyone is to busy to notice i'm in pain. My step-dad calls me a b**ch, yells at me and doesn't care if it reminds me of the past. I cry myself to sleep, I'm too depressed to get work done. I'm failing my classes. I'm so tired of trying to make someone proud of me, when nobody is. I try so much to be good enough for someone. I'm tired of feeling not good enough. No matter how much I cry, the pain still stays. No matter what I do, I still hate myself, I'm still in pain. Life is not easy. People f**ked up my life. When I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve to be taken advantage of when i was a child. My nightmares won't go away and it's been years since he went to jail. I would do anything to just be happy again.
Survivor’s deserve to be trusted.
You may think to not trust a Survivor but you should. If survivor's aren't trusted. Then whoever hurt them will not have consequences. I'm a survivor, I've been judged and nobody knew what was happening to me at home. I was bullied, And abused by more than 1 person. Nobody knew what was going on, and they made me hate myself. Now being in high school i'm not bullied as much. But I've been through hell. It didn't make me stronger my pain broke me. And if you don't trust me because i'm not detailing it then you should grow up. My trauma f**ked up my life. And your talking about trust, I trust too easy, while still having trust issues. I don't trust men, I can't trust people because they always hurt me. I can't trust my Dad because he will talk to me then ghost me, he ghosted me for 2 years. I can't trust that i'm not gonna be cheated on, or someone is gonna abuse me again. I've been called a monster, a sociopath, I've been told i'm ugly, i'm stupid, I can't do anything right, people acted like a disease. I've been called brave because i'm still breathing, I have days where I believe I was wrong for everything that happened to me. People aren't gonna tell you how, because it hurts to talk about it. My childhood ended when I was in 3rd grade. I'm still hurting from everything what has happened to me. I had to pick myself up I didn't have help everyone just wanted to fix me, nobody would listen and let me talk. People think theirs a reason in 1 day why I'm depressed I've been depressed since I was in 6th grade. Now i'm in 11th. I'm far from perfect. Just because we went through things you don't know about doesn't mean we deserve to not be trusted.