I am homesick for arms that don't even want to hold me.

I am longing for something that once felt like home, which is no longer a home for me,

I've been cast out,

discarded,

left to wander in search of arms that will hold me.

And I wonder

Once I leave

Would you crave my presence?

Would you notice?

Of course you would notice

It's such a stupid question

You always notice

But sometimes

I wish you wouldn't

I love him.

But

It's not the heart aching love I had for you

I love him.

But its not the same

I love him.

But I see every bit of you in him

I love him.

But

He's not you.

And that's the thing.

He's not you.

But

I love him.

I see every bit of you in him

But

I love him.

And its not the same

But

I love him.

And although it's not the heart aching love I had for you

I love him.

Weaving and turning and bending and stretching, comparison and compression a new world was formed, covering the progress of previous generations, the work of people with five fingers and multi-colored skin. Our world evolving, changing, destroying and making, giving and taking. Until it was just as it was before. But with overflowing greenery that climbs it's way up and over, through and through, to fill the cracks of the building we once occupied. The lush grass covering the cracked and shaky roads, while this world slowly erodes and starts anew. And through it all a new life emerges uprooted from the dewy grass, with five-fingered hands and brown eyes. Tanned skin and white teeth. Ladies and gentlemen I introduce Adam & Eve...2.0.

One day,

I am going to kill myself with all the words I didn't say.

All the words that were on the tip of my tongue.

just there

within reach

too scared to breathe

too scared to speak

of the unspoken

to change what was between us

and what could have been

and what never was

Me.

Yes me.

I lie to myself everyday.

And despite that, I love myself.

It's a strange addiction I have.

Lying over and over it soothes something in me.

Something that I can not put into words.

But I love myself.

My god I love the liar in me.

over and over again

I've fallen in love with you

A person from my dreams

And every time I wake up

my thoughts are filled with questions as if i was to ever see you again

that I'll never hear your laugh

or see you smile once more

and i know your not real

but this love i have for you is

and i spend my days waiting until I can close my eyes

and see you there waiting for me

arms wide ready to embrace

but I do hate the mornings

where I hold you tight

as you fade away

and as I wake up

It's not fair

but when is life ever fair

I don’t think im very happy right now

I think im pretending to be

I think I tell everyone in my life im fine

But when I get home at night

When I lock the bathroom door

And I stare at the mirror

All I see is a very very sad pair of eyes staring back at me

I know that i'm a shell of myself

I know im afraid of what that means

I don’t want to have to go through the years of therapy again

The antidepressants

The trip to the doctors

The pity stares

Having to explain to my family that I'm not doing ok

I’m pretending

My god i’m pretending

I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t

I want forever with you

And I know that forever's not promised

But I wanna get as close as possible

To forever

With you.