A Monster’s Mind: I Keep Thinking of Ways to Kill Children
I keep thinking of ways to kill children. It didn't really start until I had my own.
Suddenly, there I was, thinking, Look at this--small enough for him to put it into his little innocent mouth while no one's looking. He could choke! And, My God, turn the pot handle in toward the hot stove. Little hands could reach up and pull the boiling grease all over her. And, Should I put up some type of fence barrier thing on the railing of the balcony? They'll climb it. Of course they will, and one will push the other, and one would start to fall, and he would grab at her on the way down, and they both would fall to their little senseless deaths.
Once you have children, you begin to realize the worst possible thing that could befall a parent in this life. You're keen to inspect the floors. You smell for trouble. Your imagination begins to construct entire scripts in which the young, feckless, and clueless come up against the laws of physics, which are unyielding, and these children will get severely injured or die.
It's terrible, this monster I've become. Every object is scrutinized for the perfect tracheal diameter. Every sharp object is seen as something a child could run with. Little bodies don't like extra holes, unless it's a tube put in for ear infections. And it is exhausting to consider all of the things that could put out an eye. I don't know them all, but I think of new ones every day.
I sand without eye protection, but the little shitling better not even be in the same room.
Just how well do we trust that old dog of ours? Is cat scratch fever really a thing? Let them play outside--really? Are you out of your fucking mind! Is that just some rash or the harbinger of Neisseria meningitis? Another cold--that's two this year--leukemia? diabetes? How do I know this liquid Tylenol hasn't been...yea, that's right...tampered with?
When I'm stopped in traffic under an overpass, I back up a couple of inches so the falling girder will crush me instead of the kids in the back. What's in that aromatherapy machine I smell in Grandma's machine? Eucalyptus? Peppermint? Wintergreen? That stuff can kill them, for God's sake!
Are those vitamins really necessary? What about hypervitaminoses? Did you even think about that?
Yep, just when I think I know all the weird ways to kill a child, a new one stuns me back into the sobriety of mortality. How do I think of these things? Was I a child-killer in a previous life? Or has evolution given my children this survival advantage?
My kids are grown. They survived. And if I so much as catch any of 'em with a cigarette, I'll kill 'em.
Toxic, yes. Stupid, no.
Yes We’re Goin’ Places...
We're taking the Skyway. @Bunny is driving because he loves astral traveling. He hates that we're in one of those creeper vans with no windows so he's keen on reimagining... he's got one hand on the wheel, and the other on the dimple of my knee--Ssswerve, now we're in one of those European double decker trolly buses and it's filling up fast, heading to Prose HQ cuz I say we just have to have to see it, to believe it, as a once in a lifetime experience. @A is sending out invites by sonar and morse code flash. flash. tap. tap. tap. We've picked up @CreativeChaos cuz he's soooooo... excited to see what he calls his City!! He's sitting connecting with @saf and @Mazzy looking at the Stars and spotting the Big Bear aka @dustygrein. @Finder is right behind the driver seat, making sure we don't lose our way. She's checking the moral compass. @Dark slipped in and is all the way slumped in the backseat next to @Winterreign nursing a bottle of San Pellegrino, because he's given up on Perrier. @JeffStewart is on the radio, singing in ultra sonic, but nobody knows that cuz he hasn't made his debut announcement yet. @MeeJong is talking to us through the GPS and I think she has the right address... @ALifeWitArt is onboard taking pictures of everything passing by inside and out, to paint it up later... My friend @Syne is right behind me and we're catching up on old Time, his cat Schrodinger and all things Quantum and @DrSemicolon is asking what happened to @CYS_Correia and @itsdemoray? @Moonchild who changed his name a couple times around's winking at me from a few seats down (I see in the side view mirror ;) and now he's eyeing @LilEngima but @MisterEngima is having none of that. And @DaveK is saying WTFfs... ? while @LillyZ says what did you say hon? and @ts735b IS obnoxiously playing with the windows... @Danceinsilence declined to hop on but encouraged @anarosewood who was more than happy to join us and she's sitting next to @Shells and @FauxHero... @ZekeMatthews has climbed aboard to escape the missus, whew, narcasmissus! @JD4 is somewhere in the middle of several newspapers; one from 2001, one from 84 and another from some point in 4020 something... and some pamphlets borrowed from @markysparky @Batmaninwuhan is on the rooftop cuz he is claustrophobic. Agoraphobic. Little bit Zenophobic. seriously, so @EstherFlowers1 is holding his hand through the window while flipping through a well worn copy of the Best of Spinoza. @Harry_Situation is standing by the door along with @Undermeyou repeating that there is room, always, always room for one more... And @Mnezz is leaning out the back window with a Camcorder, getting it allll on film!!!! @ChrisSadhill is cheering Right On!! and @fudo is thinking up a new challenge prompt... while @Beccawaits, waits. (what! no, she's writing her own thing on cellphone! :) @JimLamb just let me know.
@7v7 is in somewhere in the engine block checking how this thing works from the inside, along with @Z nearby in the MAP sensor under the dash hooking up some special Zapp features for what is now becoming the Prosambulator...
and @LARGE is hollering "WE'LL NEVER GET THERE!" while @SharondBriggs says Keep the Faith!
and we're all right, alright... cuz Prose is not about the Destination...
It's all about the Wride :)
Requiem for Piltdown
A big explosion in the night
Not a single soul in sight
Threw off a bunch of stuff to be
The universe and galaxies
In perfect order do they lay
Spinning circles everyday
And somehow in the midst of all
Our world is born on a little ball
Then out of the soup that somehow came
From all those rocks and all their flame
Unknown forces start to fall
And a little bug begins to crawl
The little bug grows into all that is
From prairie dogs to giant squid
From birds to germs to butterflies
To the monkey puzzle… herein lies
The greatest mystery of all
The monkey learns to stand up tall
And over many spans of time
These unknown forces taught him rhyme
And also, how to calculate
The way by which to enter space
And travel to the worlds unknown
Only to find there’s no one home
My friend you’ll find evolution’s true
When you meet God and God meets you
With your own eyes you’ll see the change
From what you are to something strange
When you find sin is your enemy
Repent and get down on your knees
Then God will take your life in hand
And put you into His game plan
A life of love where hate was king
A heart of joy that learns to sing
Compassion for your fellow man
Thanksgiving for what’s in your hand
You’ll learn to pray, depend on God
Consider carefully His Word
You’ll understand obedience
Why it’s right and makes good sense
And you’ll learn quite unnaturally
That it was God who created thee
And not just any God at all
For only one God took the fall
For all of mankind’s sin and shame
And only one God claims He came
Because He loves us
Homos + Phones
Homophones are homogeneous geniuses
And to two more tumors
Of knotted color, not calor
In court, after four caught, for dual duels
The reporter's nose knows
Who's news with whose noose
It's not fair to have no fare
Whether the weather
Missed the scene of mist seen
And stayed staid that only made
The incorrigable maid encouragable, to
Lead the led there with lead in their head
Those who cast their die, die
The one who leaves, won
Two leaves leave, too
Night Errands, and Erin’s Knight
It was undoubtedly her. One glance sparked me back to the grainy, olden day, home movie reel likeness of a knobby-kneed ten year old chasing her older brother’s best friend around their garage while gleefully exclaiming, “I’m gonna give you the chicken-pox!”
And so she had.
Well, so be it. I had come here with the goal in mind of visiting Memory Lane, and there Memory Lane was, sitting at a hastily assembled Friday night table overflowing with estrogen and empty shot glasses. Funny, of all the girls Tommy and I had known back in the day that this should be the one I happen upon on this here and now quest?
This juke joint had once been a hang-out of Tommy’s and mine, but like everything else it had changed. It was louder now, or maybe it was as loud back then and I simply hadn’t cared. In any event, like most changes, the ones taking place here did not seem to be for the better, so I set down my empty bottle along with a couple of bucks and headed for the door. I had almost made it out when I noticed Erin sitting quietly at an otherwise super-loud, “girl’s night out” party table. I hesitated for the briefest moment, unsure of what reaction seeing me might bring, but I was unwilling to pass on the opportunity to talk to her, so circled the table and tapped the back of her shoulder, using the nickname I used to tease her with when she was a kid to catch her attention. “Ernie?” I bent low and close to be heard above the din, so close that we were eye to eye when she turned, so that I saw every emotion flashing inside them; confusion, recognition, surprise… joy.
It was relieving to find joy in there. Almost immediately Erin grabbed my hand in hers and hustled me away from the table and up to the empty dance floor, almost as if she was embarrassed to be seen with me. I resisted, but she was insistent, tugging ever harder. There was an upbeat song playing, but I am no dancer, nor was I in any mood for dancing, nor was this shit dance floor in this tiny bar a decent place for dancing, but what could I do? It caused me to wonder how long the table full of young women had been at it, and just how drunk she was?
Thankfully, Erin wasn’t embarrassed of me. And no, it wasn’t dancing that was on her mind, at least not dancing in the normal sense. But yes, she might have had a few too many.
Once alone at the dance floor’s center we were probably mistaken for lovers, what with the way ’Lil Ernie leaped straightaway into my arms, throwing her legs around my waist, and wrapping her arms around my neck for all of the jealous sinners in the place to witness, pulling herself tightly up against me… exactly as she had that time when she was eleven and her neighbor’s big dog had gotten loose, and I’d been the one who’d come running to her screams. The way she clung gave me the impression that she was still that frightened little girl, even if she did look all grown up now. Her closed lips settled on my ear; not kissing… just comfortably there, breathing their warm breaths. My own arms had wrapped around her lower back, holding her protectively, ensuring that she wouldn’t fall. The seconds ticked by, and the minutes, and the songs. Effortlessly I held her. She should have grown heavy, but somehow did not. Tighter and tighter she squeezed til a teardrop tickled as it circled my inner ear.
And then the hard questions flowed. ”What happened, Huck? Why him? Where were you? How could you let it?”
It’s not easy being that big in a little girl’s eyes. I liked to think that nothing I could have said or done would have changed anything, but she was right. Deep down I knew it. I could have been the difference. I always had been before, back when I was here. But that was exactly why I’d left, wasn’t it?
Only the white knight can know how heavy is the armor, and how weary of wearing it one grows. But to cast that armor aside and stand naked is no more comfortable, is it?
Poor girl. It was the wrong sort of hero‘s web she had spun around the wrong sort of hero.
Hell, her Galahad had not even come home for the funeral.
Self-sabotage
I believe that one of the hardest things is overestimating your place in someone else’s life.
At times, I feel a comfort level that allows me to open up to someone, only to find the feeling is not reciprocated. It makes things really awkward, really fast. For me, more often than not, things are never quite the same after my faux pas. I often regret being vulnerable, yet it continues to happen. It makes me want to give up and fully commit to a hermit lifestyle.
In short, one of the hardest things in my life is… me. I routinely make things more difficult than they should be.
The Modern Workplace: The HR Department’s Total Disconnect From the Real Shit That Goes Down
Every once in a while my employer decides to call a meeting to revisit the human resources handbook to make sure us drones understand what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior within the hive. Of course, these mandatory HR trainings are about as enjoyable as a razor wire enema, but for some reason I actually paid attention this time around. As I sat their in the hard plastic chair feeling every nerve in my ass slowly go numb, I realized that HR handbooks, manuals, emergency toilet paper, or whatever you choose to call them are woefully out of step with the reality of today's workplace. So, as a service to all HR departments everywhere Shallowgenepool Press, (a subsidiary of Urban Idiot Publishing) has painstakingly researched the workplace issues that need to be addressed so that the average employee doesn't feel like their job is a prison sentence minus the shanks and being passed around like a rental sex toy for two packs of Top Ramen (chicken flavored of course) and a Snickers bar. This research has been used to compile a HR handbook that addresses the issues that the typical worker faces as they waste their lives away toiling for scraps.
Attendance:
Employees must arrive within 5 minutes of your scheduled start time with the following exceptions: a) Adherence to the attendance policy will vary depending on how much your union is in bed with organized crime. The more the mob is involved the greater the opportunity is to show up as late as you want or not at all. If management wants to avoid, "An unfortunate accident" they will turn a blind eye. b) If you're a member of a teacher's union, stay home and collect your check. You have total job security because no one is going to fire you when Beelzebub is your shop steward and your union contract is written in the blood of 13 virgins.
Vacation Time:
The employee must give 2 weeks notice when they want to take a vacation. See attendance policies a and b for possible exceptions. Or if you have incriminating photos of your supervisor from the company Christmas party where he was caught jingling the intern's bells the 2 week notice policy may be waived.
Dress Code:
Management reserves the right to have a total double standards in terms of dress code. For example, men may not wear flip-flops. By definition, a flip-flop is open toed footwear worn without socks which lacks a back strap at the heel often associated with beachwear. Women can wear flip flops if they are somehow decorated with tassels, rhinestones, or glitter as any decoration allows flip-flops to piss on logic and become, "Sandals." By this logic one should be able to go to work commando wearing nothing below the border but a rhinestone covered pair of assless chaps. When confronted by management one could say, "They're not assless chaps. The rhinestones make them qualify as pants with a design that is boldly minimalist in terms of the amount and location of material used." But no, men must adhere to a business casual dress code consisting of a button down shirt, slacks or professional looking jeans, and closed toed shoes. The policy insures that men will clothed to the point where they can have a clam bake in the crotch of their Dockers during the warmer months of the year.
Theft:
Theft of any kind will not be tolerated and if caught, the appropriate discipline will be dispensed. For example, whichever waste of an orgasm stole the author's energy drink from the breakroom refrigerator deserves to be gutted like a mackerel in a fish cannery and have their now fully exposed intestines set on fire in front of them. Since it isn't likely that this thief will ever caught, the author hopes the thief contracts an especially virulent strain of herpes that invades every orifice of their body while existing in a perpetual state of flare up. Caffeine is the only addiction the author of this handbook has and as such depriving him of this sweet elixir of wakefulness will allow his many other psychoses to come out to play. AND WE DON"T WANT THAT NOW DO WE?
Romantic Relationships With Coworkers:
While management cannot stop employees from engaging in romantic relationships with their coworkers it can warn its employees that this can transform the work environment into a hormonal driven shit show. For example, Bob and Jane work at the same company and start dating. At first, everything goes well and their coworkers say things like, "I'm so happy for them. They're so good together." However, should Bob and Jane's relationship go south its demise will become a hot topic for discussion around the office. Bob may overhear one of Jane's work friends say, "I never understood what Jane saw in Bob anyway. He's not that good looking and according to Jane, he's hung like a rat's nipple." Of course, Bob now feels bad and starts telling his coworkers about Jane saying things such as, "At first it was a little kinky which was alright, but when Jane proposed a threesome with her elementary school lunch lady along with her mashed potato serving spoon I was out!" The result of Bob and Jane's deteriorating relationship is that the office becomes a hostile work place and no one can get the mental visual of their own elementary school's lunch lady being naked in bed out of their heads. Of course, this leads to a greater need for mental health services which raises health insurance cost and greatly reduces workplace morale.
Cubicle Etiquette:
If you are assigned a cubicle, feel free to make it your own. A pleasant work space is a production work space. However, here are some helpful hints to keep your cubicle area a fun, comfortable, and safe place to work:
a) Avoid decorating with, "Live, Laugh, Love" signage of any kind. Some of your coworkers won't like this directive and suggest that you, "Choke, Gag, and Bite Me."
b) Use of your cellphone during breaktime is acceptable, but no one wants to hear you talking to the plumber about installing an industrial strength toilet because your husband has a great love for Taco Bell but is cursed with a digestive system that considers cornflakes and milk to be too spicy. So please use a quiet voice and consider those who may have no choice but to learn about the never ending battle between Chalupa Supremes and your husband's colon.
c) Eating at your cubicle is acceptable, but please keep in mind that your cubicle mates are experiencing the smells of the food you are enjoying. Foods such as cooked broccoli, fish, and burnt microwave popcorn have a very unpleasant smell which lingers in the air for hours. Management will not be held responsible if your olfactoraly tormented coworkers throw you and your leftover catfish surprise out the third floor window. However, management will send a nice basket of fruit to your significant other instead of actually attending your funeral.
Sexual Harassment:
Harassment of any kind will not be tolerated and this includes harassment of a sexual nature. As such employees can be disciplined or fired if found to be:
a) Engaging in unwanted touching or using sexually suggestive language with or towards a fellow employee. For example, dry humping Jane's (She broke up with Bob right? So this is cool) from accounts receivable's leg in front of the coffee machine is likely to be unwanted touching (and a burn hazard). Also, saying to Jane, "I bet you sound like a rabid weasel in a hen house when you make love" would also be considered sexual harassment. Please keep your barely contained slobbery animal lust to yourself.
b) For many, the dirty joke is harmless fun. However, to others jokes that begin with, "An Amish girl, talking dildo, and priest are forced to share a hotel room" are at the height of impropriety. To these more conservative individuals such banter is dangerous and creates the temptation to give in to their lustful and hot, sweaty, howl at the moon, need more batteries, sticky, and where did that gerbil go carnal desires As such, save your dirty jokes for home or if not there for your favorite creative writing site.
There you have it, an HR handbook that addresses the real issues without forcing you to watch such videos as, "No You Can't Have Fries With That Shake: An Employee's Guide to Recognizing and Avoiding Unwanted Sexual Behavior."
If you found this handbook helpful, please check out these other great titles from Shallowgenepool Press:
The New Gonorrhea: Not the Same Clap Your Dad Brought Back From 'Nam
Teenage Pregnancy: How Two Minutes in the Back of A Camaro Can Lead to a Lifetime of Snotty Noses, Mini Vans, and Worthless Husbands Who Leave You For that Cheap, Double Jointed Stripper