Death without leaving
It seems the more I experience
The less it all gets to me
Whether it’s my confusion
Or just symptoms of apathy
The more I know
The more it betters me
But the better I get
The more it tethers me
To a perception of self
I havent yet gained
And it threatens me
Just in the sense
Of what it did
To the rest of me
The life drained
The child gone
And I’m yet to be
Fully emerged
In the person
I was on a quest to be...
But the further I go
The less I question me
The less I get out of bed
Knowing this is what I was meant to be
The less respect for myself
And self empathy
Because I’m the causation
Of this empty me
And that’s evident...
Knowing I’m the one who did this
In pursuit of the eminent
Only hurts more
When I come to realize
That when I look in the mirror
Those aren’t my real eyes
And when I look in the past
I dream to feel mine
And if I looked at me back then
I’m sure I’d take that as a bad sign
As a life gone wrong
In the same sense
A life gone perfectly right
So perfect
I couldn’t even see my own light
Because it was so flawed
I killed it
With sharp claws
And filled it
With a heart drawn
Away from who I really am
Or who I really was
Or who’d I really like to be again
I would love to just die
And wake up as me again
But that’s just speculation
Just speculation
Maybe this pain isn’t that
And I can still find restoration
But that seems unlikely
Because even if I did
I’d still be so unlike me
Because this phase
Was not a phase at all
It was a transformation
And I must face the fall
But I’m still so scared
To face the call
Where I’m told That I died
And I’m not fazed at all
Because at that point
I was dead
Before I was raised at all
And at this point I feel I’m there
Immune to the feelings
Of direction and care
And maybe this whole thing
Has been my eulogy
And when I put down this pen
They’ll be no use in me
And by the time that you’ve read this
At this rate
I’m probably on the dead list
And if that’s fate
At least I fucking said this
It might’ve been late
But if I die now
And still appear alive
At least I have no fear
And my quest survives