To Laugh Again
I remember that laugh.
12am shaking twist bottle caps.
Cool harbor mind deploying frigate fleets,
loading shrapnel cannon rounds.
mental artillery crashing eroded beaches.
Climb claimed machine gun nests,
rest once your weary heartbeat spits
Vacay once voracious riptides,
shove hard liquors down.
Drunk to comatose depths,
swimming past layers of my room's darkness;
Sung night eccentric
tender evergreen nectar
Spread sentient liquor,
sweat of eve, revival infested.
anger swims like
Sea dragons in abyssal
canyons; burdens comet onyx
sealed, orange volcanic bliss
Covet our ghostly spirits
drifting unfinished countertops
nod at her, round up
Chivalry and spit wicked
whistle, sentient liquor
storms valhallan guts
Awake in afterlife;
unconscious fights my
Caustic mind regrets,
fight time with swamped
Dimes, lost time and sickened
Seconds, lost to Beelzebub:
God reunites the visage, drink
to disunite the feelin'..
Ami said forget september,
humid hills like sunken caves;
she said to unravel every pebble i threw
A thousand battles ago a child
stood at an event horizon,
cast a shadow to a foul, frigid
Common pain like gunpowder
fading! odd days without mom; siblings
cascade off trembling iced capped
She stares me down a crystal brown
bottle, fizzing foamy mnemonics:
stay here, don’t look back;
Knots shocked by demented
symphonics, caustic rain burns
her prancing iris- expanding
To feel anything, anything at all
and cast it upon any universe
takes every liquor and brew
Tap my expansive conscious,
learn of punches taken, lungs scarred,
eyes and cold days locked behind
Loneliness and solitude drifting
eroding isles. I climb bladed cliffs,
fighting lowly spirits, meet my hefty
Thunder tonight dame keep your
satin dry, gin patches your ill blush,
razor blades and bear mace for
She patted my back, said to
forget that spectral fear
hovering above my flailing
Afar in a distant hood in Houston,
Texas i was born to a rocky
marriage that left me on an edge for decades to come.
A New Dimension
I have always thought of emotions to be things that need conquering, pests to chase away and never allow to come back into the warm sanctuary of one's mechanical mind. As of late I have thought otherwise, trampling past trauma and making sense of my past on a daily basis, with help from others and sometimes myself, I have come to think of emotions as lively ships delivering precious cargo. For the longest time I have repressed or just been blind to these emotions. Some are so delayed that they don't dock my foggy harbor of a mind, even with luminous lighthouses cutting through the morning mist with katana-like precision, until a week after the inciting event. Other times it takes movies, tons of songs, and hours of blank stares to call them forth.
Knowing that I could not feel and that it was okay to feel was like discovering another dimension hiding right beneath my nose. It may sound like an exaggeration, but when I say I did not know I could feel, I mean that the idea was not even known to me. I always just used logic to move past any struggle, even on my worst days I just let them die off for the sake of surviving the days and months to come. I recall the past crushes I had in high school and spending weeks on end sucking out all the light and passion that came over me. Escaping through words, through music, and movies.
The mind traps our emotional explosions alongside our cosmic size synapses and traps them with each stimulus that dances along furious electrical pulses. I realized that our mind binds our memories, every similar experience or idea knots itself and becomes permanent in the mythos of our memories, and even if I gun down every emotion that comes at me they will come back through a song, through a movie, through a book, anything similar to that feeling.
It is okay to feel, and I know that now. I am just struggling now to start up a twenty two year old faulty motor. I have difficulty identifying my emotions at times, I just have vague senses of what they are, and it sucks at times because it feels like trying to do push ups after doing a two minute plank, my muscles tensed and weakened but still pushing for one more rep, one more my mind says. I hate this, I want to express myself with my family, I want to tell my friends what is troubling me but my frail emotional muscles are so delicate that even thinking about it wears me out.
Still I have discovered this new dimension and I will continue to fight for it. As I said, this is a bizarre realm to trek, men are stereotypically repressed to all hell, but I do not think this takes away from being a man in any way, still it troubles me a bit now and then.
I hope to show this new dimension to others at the most, and at the least create a little essay to vent and share a piece of myself. Thank you for reading as always.
Smoky eve undressed screeching crimson winds
Blood moon swaying sinking curls brushing steel
Monoliths; bombers cruised bruised skies.
Charged hypersonic fighter jets, plasma
Full of serenades, Dark Tower showered
Shallow shadows: world spit me out, fell back to
Entropy, pills, and pornography. Gaul
Heights center of gravity, what holds me up?
John Cowells watched nights collide, blue moon… rounds
Rolled in rusty cylinder, journals stacked
Up to Oblivion, quarter filled bourbon,
Taste never budging. He wrote the only
Girl he could imagine, one before Hellfire
Out in Dallas? Pink City? her my last
Care in this domed state. He wrote nights, lost
Days of sleep- an obsession driving him.
Stale UTOPIA night fell deep into
Lovestruck sheets; he cut empty gem pages
With diamond tipped pen, every word a moment
Closer to realities dictated by
A fairytale love. another parade
Of drones and Legion Rangers, surveillance
Swayed away a dwindling writer’s block;
Manic fist clenched shimmering inky dweller,
Stellar pilgrimage to ego death; she was
Out in New Navajo, galloping like
Josey Wales, battling giants, Major
Dick Winters amongst gory poppy fields:
An infinite war of love and hell. He
Wandered memories of his dear mother
Wrapping him before leaving for DC.
Dagger cut, hours venture to insanity.
The Machine crackled wicked vinyl pops,
Voltaic rhythm etched rigid landscapes
Against hole-punched walls, galactic shutters
Assail solar winds, warping time through borrowed
Sleep, tomorrow seeks today venture noble
One; Cowells peaked blinds divide; Interstellar
vacuum awoke him from his afternoon
Hibernation, depressants and valium:
Analog God silence suicidal
Idealogue, repent! repent! four walls
Judge closer, days wasted, hold on to what
You can't, soon she'll leave, love's reprieve. sorrow
Sweet, digitize for an hour or eight, just
Enough to make crickets chirp, shirts stay on
For weeks, showers optional, misery
Like a hawk swooping as I begin to stand.
Fade away Flower of Evil, burn! shrivel!
Council carved Legions;
fluttering summer’s death
I was on my way to hide
cold summers and same lies;
trains running late, heart palpitates
names and faces strained
coffee black and skin blue;
empress swam skies calm
all alone, burdened by stormed
estuaries, sea trenches diverging;
I remember her heartbeat
just over a hundred thumps
like a roaming rabbit she'd stampede
shriveled weeds, baked soil compacted;
I remember each tremor gracing my
paracausal corpse, nothing quite knocked me
little could contain every anchored day,
subterranean plummet; I defy the hour he
knocks, and breaks my cavernous cavity
in the name of love.
Left the Underground unscathed, excursions out
In New Navajo, iced bitter brew numbs tongue,
Tactics of survival and momentum hidden
Behind neon signs, Titanic and great
Goliath, shrinking city passage, drooling
Drunks and sinking strips, bumbling boozed fanatics
Speak as I-compressed chest drown in mega-
Metropolis, clubs carry dazing, striking
Sonics, stupor stupefy, another
Icy vodka, gin and perhaps rum, sun
Soon splashes heaps of daylight, back to work
9 to infinity- exodus of
Single entity; back to passive days
Waves of denizens flow past me, hats and suits,
Charged flavored smokes, cherry breathes pollinate
Silver tonic skies, lies broadcasting above.
Certain tonight's my curtain call, sure she'll
Sway nebulous rose bud spiral, helix
Acids pass her midnight lures: soon I follow.
Ghosted along cyber heated nights, swirls
Call and raging emerald tendrils pass
Her starry countenance, blooming dust born
Beasts exhale from her galactic breath, ice
Wisps bury our light year love:
I will return.
Chest ignited by tequila shot’s burden
Same bars with timeless friends, syrupy songs–
Cough plasma, confiscate plastic lean cups
Smuggle tonight's lie, bass takes my racing
Thoughts place– another shift, more time to kick,
Click on her monetized eyes, blue laced love
Afar, awkward and mediocre– sober
Me scrolls back down yellow brick road– vomit quick.
Plasma fills my lungs; particles buzz, rings
Disperse, sure to assassinate hollow hours, drops
Pitter patter in Pantanal expanse
My four walls and khaki door a wormhole;
My thick skull atoms and quarks; boiling honey
Suffocating soaring attitudes; wake
Up to corruption and cannibalistic
Cartels- oh well- let days end.. let days shatter…
GLASS covets my likeness; snaps of food, streets, and
Chunks of draining grey matter splattered
Across porcelain; morsels for unseen,
Wicked dwellers, needle peddlers, digital-
Freaks! split melting psyche, nightly treks for
Sanity sipped, killers slip, heat shines lead
Spilled; she tames golden links, July sun harps,
Gargoyles and.45s; goldeneye dame lurks…
Terrance oscillates stripped city soundscape,
Oft I look below- obnoxious blots smear
Fear of loneliness and isolation.
Distant voices fade as they surpass, last
Call, whiskey drops like asteroids engulfed
By Jupiter’s hazy ash tapestry;
Her words magnetic, voltaic aurorae;
Coarse sands splash, polluted walkways enclosed.
Balancing waves of moon-lifted liquors
Singing in the rain on street curbs, sweet words
Swaying neon injected cortexes.
Back to polar nexus, pass old-heads and
Lost gen; schizoid schism scathe bloodlines infused
With toxins and microchips; spitting plastics
Ingested, neural arches propelling
Liquid sugars; sons and daughters pacing
Searching for identity in dreary
Basement tropics; red, blue, friends old and new
Change topics; Satan spake ten figures, honest
Fools surpass drooling maggots of debt
Bathe in pools of false checks and degrading
Desert wars, youth stutter in neon chambers;
On tile floors and ricocheting against
Dry erase boards; madmen flicker, gas dispels
Asylum hallways, teach them your twisted
Fantasies, Mysterio mathematics
Caged and drugged, distant love oscillates, faith
Dwindles to pools of melted wax; rose petals
Slit innocence’s ruins, ills of today,
Cyclic Death; Notes From The Underground called
Cowboys slinging withered Kalashnikovs.
The rain was silent
amidst april’s misty lashes
1. "ice bitter brew"- I enjoy cold brew coffee- specifically Americanos.
2. "Behind neon signs"- 2. Anytime I'd go out at night off base near the strip there were always people drunk out of their mind, and continuously going in and out of bars.
3. "9 to infinity- exodus of/Single entity; back to passive days"- Party go to work, party go to work, etc...
If not partying then repeating a cycle of waking up, going to work and repeating the cycle all over again.
Pretty much days passing you by.
4. "Sway nebulous rose bud spiral, helix/ Acids pass her midnight lures"- There was an image from NASA of spiral galaxies that set off this description: Link to images- https://www.nasa.gov/feature/nasa-s-webb-space-telescope-peers-behind-bars.
5. "Click on her monetized eyes, blue laced love" - Onlyfans culture has taken hold of a lot of men's lives. An addiction to pornographic material, all in the hopes of creating a deeply intimate parasocial romance.
6. "Pantanal"- 4. The world's largest tropical wetland area. Cities are jungles with a never-ending anxiety producing landscape.
In other words, just a quick metaphor.
7. "Up to corruption and cannibalistic/ Cartels"- 5. I came across a video breaking down the recruiting process of different Cartels in Mexico, and saw one that required its new members to eat people.
8. "GLASS"- GLASS is primarily another word for our smartphones, it is a direct reflection of us, it spits our image in whatever way we want it to.
This is also a simple Biblical reference of being "Made in the image of God".
9. "Chunks of draining grey matter splattered"- I've seen clips of people holding loaded weapons posing for their stories and streams, and killing themselves as a result of this.
In one clip you could see a teenage girl screaming and crying in the bathroom they were just dancing happily next to their now dead friend.
It is truly horrifying what you can find online.
10. "unseen"- I have always been fascinated by individuals in history who have chosen to stray from the popular ideas of their times, and create their own unique culture and beliefs; even though some of their beliefs may be strange at times.
Overtime I have also become interested in the stories of the homeless we pass on a regular basis, artists who've failed to make the cut, little bits of culture and art that has silently impacted each of us without us knowing the exact source.
The stories are not all true, but a hidden idea growing below us, in the underground is unbelievably interesting to me.
11. "golden links"- A quick allusion to Built 4 Cuban Linx by Raekwon and Ghostface Killah, produced by RZA, all members of the Wu-Tung Clan.
The album is made from the perspective of a Scarface, Godfather, Druglord Mafiaso, and adds to the theme of corrupted cities.
12. "Gargoyles and .45s"- A reference to the line in the first Doom: " gargoyle/Eyes scrutinize"; "my life's blood gone cold/Winds roar, snub nose melts sleet".
13. "By Jupiter’s hazy ash tapestry; /Her words magnetic, voltaic aurorae"- Another description inspired by NASAs page on Jupiter.
14. "Coarse sands splash"- Pollution flowing through the streets.
15. "Singing in the rain on street"- A dark twist on the happy and uplifting Singing in the Rain film from the 1950s classic of the same title.
16. "old-heads and/ Lost gen; schizoid schism"- I've noticed a major part of our modern age in the United States is the clash between the Older Generation and Newer Generation.
While this is not new by any means, it is far more apparent given the divide created by constantly evolving technologies and a rapid loosening of beliefs.
17. "Searching for identity in dreary"- Without in the last ten years or so a challenge to all sorts of identities has been made, the most apparent is our gender identities.
This comes in combination with a generation also struggling to maintain a decent work-life, due to the economic disasters that have brutally punished the up and coming youth. Creating adults living with their parents or planning to do so and being uncertain about their future.
18. "Mysterio"- A reference to Mysterio a marvel villain who is capable of distorting reality through illusions.
There is a continual distortion of reality that has been occurring in American society that has made its way to the people who will eventually lead this country: children; and we have shoved our problems and issues into their minds.
To me that is one of the most disgusting thing one can do. While there are complexities that all should eventually discover it should not come at the cost of the newest generations innocence. These issues can be talked about but it should be done so at a time where they can come to understand this issue at the abstract level they are being presented.
19. "mathematics"- A reference to Mos Def's Mathematics, a politically charged rap song on rap labels, the war on terror and many other issues of the early 2000s.
20. "Notes From The Underground" - A book by Fyodor Dostoevsky about a bitter and utopian minded man angry at the world. He does little to hold himself accountable for his actions and blames others for his misfortune.
21. "Cowboys slinging withered Kalashnikovs."- The author of Notes From The Underground is Russian, AKs are Russian guns- simple enough.
Days i’ve prayed in Oblivion
Holed up behind iron bars born from
Self-doubt and unending malaise
Strolling streets and swigging pisswater
from any Entity which offered
I was adrift in eternity, 12AM WAKE UP!
Four walls grow closer, apartment in
Center of Gaul Heights, wooden floor
Ant infested, roaches burrow behind blackened
Plaster panels, dogs and cats shedding to near
Baldness, fleas land on my ankle, masked by hairs
On my leg, ten or so cycle, irritation boils, sun
Blasts even when opaque shades infuse nuclear rays
Seven more fleas encroach- my leg a rash I cannot itch.
A/C fades in and out like a fever dream pushing me to
Some Form of Heaven in Hell, so I go an hour more, write
What comes to mind, beauty beyond isolation;
She calls, a woman, a girl, somewhere between the end of adolescence
And bloom of adulthood, hair an array of hues: she is but a guide.
Saw Samantha fade before Legion APCs and thudding Abrams
called out for her sorrow, pity of my unraveling days of twenty-something-hood
never did I fear forests echoing M4 rounds circling Autumn clouds
air abundant Aims deciphering winds, sights crossed and ready to report
another descendent slaughtered in twigs and timelines
Devil’s Den lifeline carries daughter forth, soldiers cut and chatter all suns laughter clouded,
winded by F-16s and thunderstorms, out in Oceanside tropics, lofty rural reprieve, sow hours
with future offspring, on sings weapons of revolutions, on oaks and pines travel with
keen brass munitions, artillery passionately crashes pulsing dirtied rivers, sip toxins
Acidic Hellfire venturing from every entity that was sprung from magma sun and
wavering bodies of azul, arctic eyes remain ahead, she runs and follows Old Regime
operatives trusting commands in faith to those she saw slaughtered in Oceans of Oblivion.
She found solace in spring and winter treks scolding Arkansan eras, days of her wanderlust and spiraling wars with twenty-something-hood oddly she cared for what would harm her, no wound could dive into the catacombs of Alexandria's Robespierre slaughter, father and mother soil of new arcadia, brothers cut to bone, flesh deciphered, dried, hung for
Danced with the devil in Eden, convened and pivoted to Afterlife, scrolled friend after
death, from hundredth floor he viewed his last glance of Historia, stole God’s breath
Drones and onlookers recorded every sorrow in his legs up to his pixel wept eyes, entities vanish
nothing new, just reruns
I’m April rain and sunburst July
nightmare October’s duress;
sparring ages in grey-eyed September
Caught monarchs of her love
as they migrated city pastures
caught pappus, cherry blossoms, primeval
Blue haze pierced hazel pupils
monstrous daylight consumes after
anemic thunderstorms, gluttonous star
Inhale gusts and mild cloud’s saliva
exchange healing hatreds
topple distant forests, end doomed
Assist my horrors expansion
czar valentine, comrade cupid
sickle my closing aperture
Cudgel nights remorse
force all I feel to manifest
not from a page or a drink
But from me.
"Sparring ages" refers to my birthday which lands in September.
"Caught pappus, cherry blossoms" are a call back to my pieces Dandelion and An Hour Ago both describing the fleeing nature of love.
"as they migrated city pastures" a barely passable reference to Straight From The Devil's Mouth city of Historia.