stuck in every stage of grief but the last.
just some thoughts i had after losing a friend.
how did the same person who saved my life be the one to make me want to end it all?
you said you loved me. you said you would never hurt me. you lied to me.
i loved you. i loved you so much. i loved you too much.
i can’t tell if i miss you or the idea of you. all i know is that you’re not in my life anymore, and it hurts.
i know that this was for the best. i know that keeping you in my life wasn’t good for me. i know that i’ll be better off without you. i know all of those things. but i can’t help but wish that you were still here.
i don’t think you realize how much you’ve hurt me, and i don’t think you ever will, and that’s what hurts the most.
sometimes i wonder if you ever think about me. do you miss how we were? do you regret everything that you did? do you wish i was still in your life? do you even remember that i exist? no, no you don’t.
i hate how i let you control my life. i hate how i can’t talk to certain people because i know you’re friends with them. i hate how i’m scared to meet new people because i’m scared that they’ll treat me the way you treated me. i hate how i can’t go a single day without thinking about you. i hate how i’m the one who’s hurting because of shit that you did.
i love you and every version of you.
i wanted to die before you so that i would never have to live a second of my life without you. but now you’re no longer in my life, so do i still want to die before you, even though i’ve lived months of my life without you?
you always wanted the best for me, and i always believed that you were the best for me. now you want nothing to do with me. is it because you believed that you weren’t the best for me, or is it because you never really meant it when you said you wanted the best for me?
i’ve always wondered what it was like to be loved by you. then you loved me. but if it was love, why did it hurt so much?
i never thought there would be a time where you weren’t by my side. but i guess you got tired of being in the same spot for so long.
i hate you. i hate you so much. i never would’ve done the things you did to me. i never would’ve stopped caring about you. i never would’ve let you feel insignificant for even a second. i hate you. i hate you so much. i hate this. i hate that i don’t hate you at all.
i don’t know if i should let myself be hurt over you any longer or if i should finally move on. i don’t know if it will ever stop hurting, and i don’t know if i will ever fully move on.
i wish i could forgive myself for letting you go. but i know that if i hadn’t let you go, i would have still believed that your love for me was pure and true. in the future, i hope i will have forgiven myself for all the pain i made myself endure for someone who never truly loved me. but for now, in this moment, i wish i could forgive myself for letting you go.
i wanted to live for you. i loved you so much that i wanted to live for you. maybe that was my problem. i never truly lived for myself. now i don’t have you to live for anymore, and i don’t know how to live for myself.
i can’t truthfully say that i wish i never met you. although that pain you have caused me is unbearable, the time we had together was some of the best moments of my life. but now i can only look back at them and wonder what could’ve been. i wish things turned out different. i wish i could still go to you for comfort, or if i just wanted to talk to you. i wish i could look at you and be able to tell that you still care about me. i wish you didn’t change. i wish we didn’t change. i wish we were still friends. i can truthfully say all of those, but i can’t say that i wish i never met you.
Jurassic June: Pyroraptor
Name: Pyroraptor (Pie-roe-rap-tor)
Which Means: "fire thief"
Pyroraptor was a small carnivorous theropod that lived what would be modern France during the Late Cretaceous (approximately 70 million years ago). This dinosaur was very similar to its Asian relative Velociraptor. It was about the same length (measuring 6 feet) and size (at least a meter in height), both were dromeosaurids as they both had the signature curved claw on each foot, and both were feathered.
This was the first dromeosaurid dinosaur to have been discovered in Europe, whereas most dromeosaurid remains were found scattered throughout Asia, North America, and South America. It lived alongside various species of dinosaurs such as the iguanodont Rhabdodon, the long-necked titanosaur Atsinganosaurus, and the carnivorous abelisaur Tarascosaurus.
Pyroraptor got its name after partially preserved remains of this dinosaur were discovered outside of Providence, France, after a forest fire swept through the area. Its scientific name is in fact Pyroraptor olympius, which translates to "olympic fire thief".
#JurassicJune #dinosaur #paleontology #science #education #facts
after tomorrow, i’ll be a university student
tomorrow is the last day of high school for me.
i'm a senior. i'm in grade 12.
i want to cry. i know i will. i don't know why.
i'm excited for the future. for my university, and all the classes they have to offer. i'm excited for the summer. and i know, i'll be able to see my friends again, and that if we're really meant to be friends we'll stay in touch.
but the back of my head hurts like i'm going to sob.
i don't know. maybe it's because i didn't think i was going to graduate. maybe it's because i'll miss some parts of high school. i'll miss anime with my sister and insulting my gr 11 friends and the stupid drama. i'll miss the funny classes and the way the outside stairs don't go to the third floor and i don't know.
i'm not afraid of change,
i guess i just feel weird. it's been 12 years of school. 14 including kindergarten. if you said you did 14 years of something, and put it on your resume, that's highly impressive. but the last four, six, years felt so fast. i hated so much or it, but now it's leaving, and i'm not sure how to feel about that.
prom was a mess. our friend group is a mess. this is all a mess.
but i guess, it was nice while it lasted. i'll miss some parts of it.
My happy place
I came to Prose to write.
I stay for
I have found,
dare I say,
for the writers
who move me
who inspire me,
make me think,
world they inhabit,
to bear witness
to the tales woven by
whose every next
I await with bated breath;
to wordsmiths like
of lyrical poetry
should be mandatory reading,
her work is a treasure,
with every poem
I am thankful to have
the ever witty poetry of
to keep me laughing
the rhythmic rhyming
of @fudo who
also tells a great story
(but keeps deleting them);
I stay for the stories
@TW, and @finder,
a talented storyteller
makes me bleed,
and the prolific
I haven't named
but who have
enriched my life
a little of
It was a
very lucky day
A Child From The Glass
Fertility is not the same story for everyone,
For some it's easy but for a lot of people,
It's like trying to climb the great wall,
The natural way, pills, herbs, and medicines,
It's more than just frustration,
The process of trying and failing to get pregnant,
Can drain a woman,
IVF often becomes one of the last options,
Many cycles, and sometimes miscarriages,
Waiting with every try for something to stick,
The expense becomes a burden,
It can create distance between you and your partner,
You end up blaming each other,
When no one knows why these things happen,
Going to different doctors,
All of them with different outcomes
Then one day, it does wok,
It can take years, but in that moment,
When you see your child on the screen,
The amount of pain, fighting, waiting, and trying,
It all fades, as the broken look on your face,
Is replaced with a smile,
As you watch your miracle child.
A Call to All Writers
If you didn't know, I am a part of a book collaboration. It's a lot of fun and a lot of work. This post is a call to all writers who are interested in helping, whether that be as a writer, editor, or just a reader. We would love your help and feedback. We have 12 chapters put together but we are currently working on reviewing and editing. It's not a rewrite but it is the next step and we need a new set of eyes. We meet every Saturday at 2:00 EST over zoom but you don't have to come on if you would rather be an editor and reader but regardless of what you are helping with, you are more than welcome to come on. If you are interested, just leave a comment or PM me for more information.
A bit of background for the book: it would most likely be categorized as mystery and drama. It's about a young girl's disappearance and death and how her family deal with the loss.
Note: We each are assigned a character to write and there is one character in need of a writer and two whose writers are unresponsive. If you would like to write and then one of them decide to come back on or we have more than enough writers, we will just have multiple people writing for a character but I'm not sure how many people are going to want to write so please don't hesitate if you are interested.
I can see her shuffle past me terrified gaze behind the closet door, her voice feeling like static reverberating in my brain as she calls out to me. Though she wears my mothers dress, speaks with my mothers voice, stretches my mothers skin; when she forces herself to stoop within the doorframes of the house I know she is not my mother.