nature center
i live among the cattails
the tall willowy weeds
i live inside the woods
with the sparrows and the chickadee-dee-dees
i love within the nettles
stinging clinging biting
the twigs break beneath my step
the raspberries are not ripe
hard and bitter and small
i am warned
the pathways wind and curve and curl
aimless in their wanders
while the water sits undisturbed
i am the water beetle
scooped up in a cup
poked and prodded and looked at
before carelessly tossed back
the wild flowers on a hill
pink and purple and blue
are where i want to be
i want the breeze to carry me
a gust of hopeful plans
His Berkeley hat pulled down low, my virgin eyes failed, but never did my intuition, so what good is intuition at such a young age- when you don't learn the world is an evil place just yet? I felt panic, but I put on a brave face. Liquid courage he brought, and poured me a drink. Green apple Smirnoff, the smell still finds me every now then and punches me right back to this night. One drink he pours, a shy smirk on his face. No stranger to shots, So I take. Dizzy spinning my head, his eyes narrow to my neck. A shot poured again, this time he turns and I can't see. "No drink for you?" I say..He hands me the next. I shoot. Wayward world, what is this? Spinning floors and heat to my face... A darkened blackness closing in on my view, clouded mind and altogether- silence. World stopped. Fade to black.
**********************************
Pound - pound - pound
Goes my pulse through my head - my body, being thrust up and down without my consent. I look up, and no focus can be made. His dark shadow on me, hands dug into waist. Tears they stroll down my young and pretty face - I scream no, but he had just went and did it... He's hurting, he's in me, when and how? Where is my mind, lord please not this ..He claimed me his with one last thrust, dear God where are you? In such a drugged state I see my moms face, and I ask where is my dad to avenge and rescue? What world is this!? I muster a scream and kick, my head detached from my body, as he loads up his dick. I stumble, I cry, naked and he's just had it all. . . I've been drugged, can't run, it's been done..so I fall.
Reentry
There's a special place when things hit the fan and you can't properly function so you go through things in a haze because at that point you're living moment to moment instead of working on your five year plan and welcome to the human race because we're all just trying to survive and not be trampled and crushed beneath our failing plans and impossible dreams and the regrets of having never made that step or made that call or made something of yourself until you are punted from the safe place you've made for yourself with your curated friends and your careful routines so when the world shifts you're left out in space with nothing under your feet except the vague notion that you're supposed to be on that planet that is speeding in the other direction.
The world is so small when you're outside of all of the things that used to matter with your state of shock and your crushing grief and the knowing that things cannot will not ever go back to the way things were because there are fewer stars that you'll never see again and the night sky won't ever look the same way it did because the world you live in today will not be the world you live in tomorrow and right now you're not on any sort of world because you've been cut astray but it gives you just a tiny bit of clarity and you realize the whole thing has gone quite mad and you're just not in the mood to laugh with the rest of the crowd because sometimes everything makes sense if only for a moment and that's what it means to be on the outside because fish don't think much about water and humans don't think much about air until we are far outside enough of our own filth to realize that's not how things are supposed to be.
Supposed to be is a dangerous phrase.
Eventually you have give whatever line is keeping you from completely disconnecting a firm tug and send yourself back on course to rejoin the world in all it's terrors and triumphs because space is an inhospitable place full of existential quandaries that cannot be traveled because of a lack of friction and a lack of direction because there's no real way to distinguish what is up and what is down because all you really have is yourself and the world that is tugging you along and you go in for reentry and you burn burn burn burn up as you fling yours back into the alien places that you grew up in and where you go to work and you're positive the burned mass that is your face is horrible and disfigured but no one seems to notice and that sets you on edge because how can't they see that you're not who you used to be and when they pass around the condolence card it'll be addressed to someone else that you aren't anymore but one of them will lean in and express how impressed they are that you're doing so well and they'd never be able to be as strong as you.
You know you're not strong though.
Eventually you'll get back to doing human things with your curated friends and your careful routines and you'll forget how you suffocated in space for awhile because the big awe inspiring events can only be held onto for so long before the minuscule pangs of life will take center stage and you'll go about your day in such a similar way to what you were that you'll sometimes forget that you aren't that person anymore but something will stop you and you'll remember it again as the sky burns around you and all you have left is the fall and it'll pass with a blink and bloodless lips and an awkward pause in a conversation that you'll tightly chuckle your way through because your mask slipped a little and your tormented form was exposed and you know you might have survived the landing but you still burnt up.
The professor and the dancer.
One speaks with stoic structure,
the other paints a picture.
While one is lecturing and defining,
The other is designing, refining.
The fluid tap, tap, tap of methodical quotes,
Pales in comparison to the rhythmic shuffle of surreal notes.
As one stands in monotonous black and white,
The other is bright in colors of delight.
While one twirls and swirls beautifully,
Its opposite details and scribbles dutifully.
Both, entirely dignified, and bona fide,
But only one gets amplified while the other is modified.
Charmer Of The Gallows
Shadows slumber as the sun goes down
Steve can now carry on with the schedule he chose
He peeks around corners at the silenced town
Inching his way towards the old Gallows
Only God knows why he would choose such a place
The stories told are doubtfully exaggerated
Steve’s life is safe inside a pocket sized case
Pacing Earth where decades of death saturated
A circle around the Gallows for that extra safe glance
As the crows “Kaw” in humor at the familiar routine
He listens for the hiss that will begin this trance
As the charmer slithers up Steve and the snake convene
With a phantom sting he shakes in his worn out denim
Now grabbing the snake he exposes the Fang
Deep breath eyes closed as he takes in the Venom
Again throwing his putrid sanity out like a boomerang
He has nothing left to give and nothing left to take
Repudiate as he breaks himself down to wither
So it seems Steve has nothing left to forsake
And not even a single thing to consider
In a place never meant to become hallow
A place that shall never hear its own hymn
For all the lives already claimed at these Gallows
Steve shall earn his rank among the fallen men
Daniel
Jacob * and my fucked up mind
Dabney
Pray For the Cure
he pretends
his cigarette
is a message,
carried by
angel ravens
into the clouds,
dropped into
the fingerprint
of God.
he says more prayers
these days
than he has
for a while.
when he runs out
of hope to inhale,
he'll sift the ashes
and light the char
until heaven
sends rain to extinguish
his need.
Why don't you understand?
I don't love you.
The very thought of you repulses me
The way you change yourself to try to catch my attention
You're a shadow of who you once were
A husk
You stripped away your personality because that's what you thought I liked
I loved the person you once were
Now I hate the person you've become