I Love you

But I push myself away

From the fear that

you might one day leave me

I build up these walls

as you tear them all down

one by one

I want you close

I want you near

but I also wish I could just disappear

I am so scared of losing you

Of losing the tight grip we currently hold

And all my insecurities they boil up

They fill me with envy

Making it seem as if I don't trust you

When I trust you with my whole life

It's not about any other girl

It's about the girl I see when I stare into the mirror

She watches me, corrects me, reminds me

That I have no reason to worry

That I should be happy

That I am safe in your arms

But you are my first love

and you would be my biggest heartbreak

Fore If I ever lost you

I'd be losing myself too

So, I let these emotions eat me alive late at night

And I know I shouldn't but-

I watch them spill from my mouth like word vomit

Painting the picture, I am too scared to ever see

Tricking me into a deeper and darker insecurity

When in reality all is not as it seems to be

You aren't leaving me

You are here to protect me

To love me and care for me so deeply

To accept me for all that I am

And for all that I will ever be

There is this look when it comes to love

A look so strong you know it's meaning

It's this look, as if you crave the very thing you see

As if it's all you can ever think about

All you could ever want and see in this world

The look of love is full of hunger, full of desire

The cravings knaw at your eyes, your face softens

Suddenly you forget where you are,

This love overfills your soul

You forget what day it is, what time it is

All you care about, all you can think about is them

The way they move, the way they laugh

How the wind styles their hair just so-

How they fidget when they get anxious

The way they smile every single time you come around

How in so many forms they return that look back to you

Confirming without a single word that they are yours

That you are in love

So so in love....

Speak calmly

Fore your words slice me open like a knife

You may never really know

How your words affect me so...

Watch as the blood drips

Hear the words as they leave my body

So many broken promises

Hold me close to you

So that I can listen as your heart beats in sync with mine

Kiss me on the forehead and tell me everything will be alright

Stitch me back up with your tender heart

With a promise of forever

With a promise of love

My fingers ache

As the blood pours out of my heart

Onto these thin lines

As proof of how much I love you

My mind is full

Of sentences and words

That I use to charm you

To light up your heart

Even in the dead of the night

No star can outshine the way you make me feel

Nor could the sun warm my body the way you do

Fore you are my everything

And I'm forever grateful to have you

Your fingers caress her delicate cold cheeks

As she lay there asleep you finally feel complete

wiping the sweat from your brow you hold up her delicate fingers

Kissing them one by one

Although you know she can't feel this

You want her to feel so special and so loved

She deserves a wake-up moment that is worth the wait

Worth slaying that evil dragon for

Kissing her soft forehead, you prep yourself for the kiss

For true loves Kiss

As you lean down to kiss her soft lips you feel her heart start to beat

A beautiful feeling

As you pull away you watch her eyes open revealing the face of an angel

You know you'd do anything in the world for this girl

And anything in this world to protect her life from all the evil

For this girl you know you'd give up your life

A million times over and over again

I am so scared of losing you

These thoughts cloud my mind

And I bite my tongue so hard it bleeds

As I feel the air around me grow tighter

No, I can never know I won't lose you

I can never predict the direction of the wind

Where it'll take us, and what waits down the road we travel

Hand in hand, our hearts beating together as one

For you I would do anything in this world

And I know I'll hang onto you for dear life

I'll give our love everything I've got

Tell me do you feel that way too?

When I look at you, I see all the best things in the world wrapped into one person

Made into my person

How about you?

What do I look like to you?

I wish I could crawl inside your head

Hear your thoughts to the echoing of my name

Watch as your heart, your mind, body and soul react to my presence

Because No, I can never really ever truly know

What it is that I am worth to you

What it is that you see when you see me

And these thoughts suffocate me

I feel as though I am drowning

Each thought

One by one

Pulling me deeper

sinking me lower

farther and farther away from the surface

farther and farther away from clarity

I think back on my life, the way the sun felt on my face

The way he made me laugh so easily

How he filled me with love

so much love you could bathe in it

You could drown in it

And I dread having to part ways

Having to be the first one to say the final goodbye

I can hear him telling me to hold on a little bit longer

Just a little bit longer...

But I feel so tired, so out of my mind and body

As I hold my palm towards death's door

The instructions telling me to "Knock Twice when I'm ready"

I think about how rich I was in this life

How lucky I was to have all that love and support

And how I desperately wish I could stay forever

Go back to him and never leave his side

But my time is now

There is no other way

I knock twice as tears roll down from my eyes falling off my cheeks

The door opens and I find myself getting pulled inside

surrounded by nothing but darkness

Follow me through the star-lit sky, down the grassy meadows that we’ve always called our home. Although we aren’t children anymore, let's take a moment to watch the world settle in around us. Our bare feet running across the silk-like grass, digging our toes into the dirt. This is our home, our soul reason for being who we are today. When did we stop looking at the sky, really looking at it and taking in the irreplaceable feeling that comes with time. When did star-gazing become a dream, a chore and something we could only wish to do.

Back when we were children we played outside to help the time pass by, to experiment and become one with the world around us.

Nowadays we don’t even walk outside to take in the nature that surrounds us, we walk outside to go somewhere, to get something done. As time keeps ticking on, our bodies, our minds are not getting any younger and so we seem to push ourselves farther and farther away from the people we used to be. It’s a default setting in our brain, even at a young age to grow up, to become who we are “destined to be”. As we go from early childhood- to pre-teens, to young adults we see ourselves morphed into a being created more by society than our own mindset.

What happened to playing with dolls, monster trucks and Lincoln logs, and what day was it when we finally decided to grow up for good. Something can supply your creative mindset for hours at a time, filling you with memories to last a lifetime and suddenly one day you just stop.

Why do we stop?

I see you

You see me?

I see the way you try to fit in...

I don't know what you're talking about...

The way you change so that others will love you more

I watch the light in your beautiful eyes fade with time, and how you cry when you see your reflection....

I am who I want to be, and I am perfectly happy!

Are you though, are you really happy?

Yes!!

What is one thing you hate about yourself then?

Oh, my goodness, there's too many things to count, my nose my eyes... my smile...

What's one thing you love about yourself? Something that hasn't changed because the world told you that it needed to.

Uhh... This is kind of difficult

Why is it so hard for you to find something to love about yourself? But so easy to find a million little things you hate?

Because my whole life people have told me how I should look, how I should act and who I should be...

And why do you let their opinions change you? Why let them tell you who you get to become, it's your life not theirs?

You get to decide who you are, not society, not now, not ever...

The clocks tick an unsettling sound as I stare at the plastered white hospital walls. There is an overwhelming scent of lemon disinfectant that's making my nose curl and everyone around me anxiously awaits for their news. Some are sleeping, some are crying, and some dismiss themselves calmly so that they can scream down the hall in peace. No matter the reason, no matter our story, something in all of our lives led us to this hospital waiting room, someone or something happened to shift our entire universe as we know it and suddenly here, we all are sitting here not speaking a worked verbally but sharing millions through our eyes and actions.

It's crazy right, how so many people enter waiting rooms every single day, for themselves or for the ones they love. These rooms hold secrets centuries deep, sorrows nobody could begin to understand and so much love you could bathe in it.

Lives are born here; lives end here too.

I feel my nerves twitch causing my brain to spiral once more, I have been here for 10 hours and still haven't heard a word about my mother, if she is okay, if the surgery is working, and if she will get better. I watch as strangers lose the loves of their lives, I watch as stranger's welcome new members into their family and I watch as people enter the hospital only to never leave it again.

There are dozens of doctors talking with everyone around me, assuring them their loved ones are okay, telling them that some didn't make it past the procedures and letting others know that they are able to go see their loved ones soon; and for 10 hours I haven't heard anything, no updates about my mother at all and every time I ask the front desk, they assure me I'll hear details soon and that I should go sit back down and try reading a magazine.

I grab a small paper cup from the water fountain dispenser and fill it half full as I watch the local news channel talking about our 7-day weather forecast; it's supposed to be 60 and sunny, my mother's favorite kind of weather. I think back to my childhood, all the endless summer days outside in the sun with my mother, running around, screaming with joy and filling up my energy on endless popsicles and pints of ice-cream. I remember the time I turned the hose on her and she yelped at the cold waters impact and how she chased me around the yard and held me in her arms, forcing me to feel the coolness of the water.

"Delilah?" A male doctor says catching my attention and bringing me back to reality.

"Yes?" I ask as worry fills my eyes

"The surgery went well; your mother is doing fine; would you like to go see her now?"

I nod my head, so happy to say anything else as I follow the doctor out of the waiting room, and towards the big brown doors that will soon lead me straight to my beloved mother, my best friend and my entire world.

I glance back once more to all the other strangers in the waiting room, and without saying a word I give them a look telling them everything will work out okay and that everything will be alright.