I Cursed You
I curse you for lying through your teeth. For ignoring my blind beliefs. For not seeing my broken heart for tearing my world apart. I cursed you to be filled with nihilism so inflated you would beg to be incarcerated. I cursed you for keeping me close. For the hatchet by the bed. For the blood prints in your head. I curse you for never caring not when I had to nurse you back to health all these terrible years basking in your glory denying the real story banking on a mystery.
Got to tell you I cursed you for that kiss, for that wish for yelling at me and wrecking my car for stealing my guitar and my phone for leaving me alone in that apartment grown tired of being raped I cursed you for taking me down and I cursed you for trying to break that spell I cursed you too well. I cursed you with my city’s embers I gutted you like a fish with your final wish I threw you to the fire with your story but don’t worry I cursed your mother your father your aunt and your uncle. I filled up the witch bottle with things to remind you and crushed you with my rage just to unwind you.
I outdid your inspired pride because I was empty inside. I threw you in the dumpster with your religion. I made a final incision like a lobotomist. I made you so much like me woulda swore you were a pacifist. I cursed you because you are a fuck boy and a bitch. Now you are dying and you’ll die alone see they’re not coming for you they’re coming to ruin your lovely tattered dreams.
Can’t hear your cruel whispering above my screaming. You’re a joke how my heart broke was just a casualty in this awful war between whore and victim of a worlds insanity. I curse you for crying. I curse you for trying. No good comes to those who hate the fool. You might have seen the lovers you might have seen the ghosts; or heard the sound of falling glass shattering your fucking mind leaving a grey cloud of dust behind you. I cursed you to give me your soul. Just need to remind you.
Throw your pebbles into the pond
Let them ripple to the sea
Love isn’t quite so easy
For an honest girl like me.
Open your magnetic arms
Unclothe that mystery
Look to the starry night sky
Let me break my heart into three.
Sailing into a damn thunder storm
Into the slippery horizon we slide
Violent mindless lover of earthquakes
Break down curving The great grounds
Thrilling holy electric sexuality
Write your bloody name across my lips
Kiss me lovey kiss me kiss my madness
Woo my soul into symmetry.
.... dreams are dripping from the ceiling
Dust and cobwebs; spiders and moths
Invisible monsters trace fingerprints over my past
I found a bag belonging to Jon Fritts
Maybe it’s a serial killer or my imagination
But no one would believe me anyways
I even have a location of his last affair
It’s a hotel room number
The rag and chloroform is all still there
But no one will believe me or
I was up all night searching through cobwebs and dust for something that wasn’t there and I know you care. I’m right where he wants me. Broken home no key.
How it was
This perfect house
Is missing you
Holding out for your return
As eternal silences burn
Mourning our loss
Crown without king
Queen without lover
Sister without brother
Soldier with no country
No plans to fall to nor
Bed to rest our burdened fears
This perfect built foundation
Was meant to last forever
Until we see them turn
From the stormy clouds of dust
This perfect house will be
The only way we can recall
This as it was.
I wished it was real. Standing between two worlds. Teaching myself to write made me able to construct more than hallucinations of my reality. And just as the videos blacked out so did my memories of the paranormal. I would enter a fantasy where I had super human powers. My mind could conquer the event of bastards. We are the stone. Fighters of the Illuminati. I was alone seeing the immaculate designs of a weapon used to subdue my creativity. Subliminal radio waves called up to the KGB.
Forget doors locking you from the outside. And the evil lights of colored blue and violet blasting across the sky. Forget the enigma of a vampire dressed in black crimson flame. Forget the the grids of electricity across the dark lands around you. Forget the truth. Forget possession forget the shadows that danced over you as you slept. Forget when the school rooms burned forget all you learned. The story I couldn’t tell: the ghost in the shell of my computer screen tapping away at the keyboards when I couldn’t sleep.
It was just your imagination the books were torn from your stupid brain. Insane. Forget the chart on the wall that displayed the futures lobotomy. Put on your costume. Stand in line and cheer the victory as we lay on our children and all of history’s disappointing end. The future is fake. Nothing is real. I’ll show you a secret I cant take. I’ll show you a power I can feel. God was just the cartoon drawing of a boy with cancer dying to live for an answer. I’m never giving in to the company. Get your credit checked mother fuckers because you’re history.
Gleefully we adore the angels
Flying in formation to a sunny horizon that burned electrical lights into our minds
Just as the silver chord
wrapped around her wrist
Longing to make music left behind
Only sleeps like static
In an apocalyptic delusion
I hope to overcome such damn depression
With psychic readings on projects
Discounted by scientist drama queens
How often was it so gay to kiss rain drops
On a whim of an after life echo
If only she wasn’t lunatic and could describe
The silhouettes of the shadow she claimed
I used to see patterns in my mind. I believed I could shape my destiny. When I was fourteen I split into a fractured fantasy. I could see my future bleed out colors from a possible reality. My metaphors carried a stubborn hope that I was stronger. Stronger than death, than evil tyrants and false memories. The psychiatrist didn’t know that I had seen beyond this pair of eyes. Isolate me in your perfect box. In the end we all go there to burn. I stared into the zig zags of the airplanes and prayed for freedom. My apathetic friend could not conform nor fit the woeful needs of being this. I’m broken and can’t fix the pictures. I medicated away the voices that became angels and answers and demons under the rugs. Is there any way to escape cancer? God Laughs at my depression and I see that the sky has fallen. I want to go home. Home is the only place I feel. I don’t want to believe in broken frames. I want to push the darkness away. I want to rise above the person I’ve been. I’m sick of letting them inside my head. But if I have to be submissive is that better than dead? Letting go of everything became impossible and I turned into dust. I became a cracked depiction of who I was that was fiction. But it was real to me. And who was they to change my realities? Open me up and pour it all out I’m about to leave you alone. I’m done with the strange twist in my chest the guilt of love for I wasn’t the best.
I used to force words through my broken mind now I force wires into machines hoping they’ll revive the century of what I left
Something so exciting that we could play along . A song that didn’t feel like repeating . I wish I had someone to hold forever not a passing phase not a slutty moment in a masquerade of guilt.
Faces don’t show emotion or recognize me when I know I’ve seen them all before. Details fail to portray
God knows that I broke my heart into pieces because it was porcelain and too beautiful to hold. If I could change the world I’d change myself the sorrow I carry through won’t keep my soul warm.
I ruin everything.
Please don’t delete me from your universe. I’m holding onto a sacredness that might bloom. Forgiveness could stop the doom. Crazy ness is fun. Why not try and put a light on. Is it safe yet, will we ever be free to be ourselves? Love baby love baby love
your bruises have charming appearances
I never meant you harm or to disarm the
abuse that took away all of my defenses.
your words turn beauty to dust
and our bond once was trust
Now I’m drowning in the whispers
these tears can’t make me better
hurried memories scattered as if what we
had ever done together mattered
Blamed without an alibi
No way out with no defenses
My enemy is my friend
And our love was just a lie.
the scars you left me are enough for dissection
I see your eyes shining with desire,
so ghostly they reflect
Nothing but your dark empire
I’m inside your everything
adore my powerful soul
flare as you remain deflated alone
In the light gone cold.
Now we’re both in an explosion
at the edge of all
this time now that you have gone
and can only
be a stolen curse
show me how close you can come to winning
this dream of mine was a false universe.
imaginary and impossible
so they will lie amused at your downfall
as the lovers engage in a ritual
Laying down their intangible cures
tragic and helplessly entangled
This disaster that set in motion a
an answer true
to a seance of fraudulent gypsies
in a chapter where it seems like the wind is just
blowing away at torn up pieces of my reality
And the past is all that I can see.
She was a choir of white angels
in consummation to triangles
A sparkling drama queen and
she played the piano, obscenely
her faith was in destiny
motherland, he left me, sailing
while our father’s heart was beginning to fail
Another time, a historical prodigy
I have lost the will to tell the tale
They stared into the archetype
my memories on display
A sick euphoria, a forsaken paranoia
She sat on the roof in the mountains
Gloria can you hear her voice above the static
Beside her sat her lover who was a musician
She lost her mind again and again
like a seizure against a white wall
amnesia, like a seizure
on everything that meant anything at all
we stood up to their gross armies
for anyone he engineered harmless
crazy, we stood up to them defiantly
only no one stood beside her but me
I fell asleep listening to Elliot Smith
guitar riffs and I was
for God to take the madness away
from my mother’s country
I sometimes thought I made the atomic matrix
all in my head I would never be the victim
Because of how she dreamed on screens
this machinated haunting of our undead tv
computer keys and his disorder
damn yeah I know it’s mean
so cruel this new world order.
I know its cold outside but its dark in my soul
we are in the city, a sad winter storm
I dreamed of running through the mountains
tossed my wishes into a holy wishing fountain
through fields as a tiger and sunflowers
glowing weeds over poisoned foundations
I woke up from a coma on valentine’s day
and sang hello between the bars to elliot
the ocean’s tears shining violently
through my brother’s eyes
a weeping guitar; a singing song
I made love to a concubine red star
I thought of the band
I thought of the man
some guy named Jim and all my wrongs
clones of my family
As the waves of euphoria crashed
over and over through me
against the white wall of injustice
that they wanted me to forget it all
and I refused to become
the same category
I would save the world from all the bad guys
be a hero to man kind again and I would never ever die
but God was sowing a symphony in the sky
too busy to notice as I took flight
off the edge of the tower
and he was going blind with all that super power
for all the beauty he had seen
and I was a spoiled brat that no one could trust
and I felt the world was so mean
too late to be a paranormal beauty queen
and I gave
the angel an obscene story
to write the day I turned to dust
and depressive as it must be
I broke my lover’s heart just to save myself
from the poison in his curse’s potion
and as we died we died with no emotion.