I am a beautiful Nightmare

I am death dressed as life

I am the wildest hurricane

Tearing down everything in my path.

Yet I am so fragile,

Destroyed by the slightest touch

I have loved and not felt love in return

But what's even worse is being loved

When you're under able to love back.

I am a hurricane, flooding your mind

With thoughts of pain and suffering

I am your worst nightmare,

Haunting your every move

I am destroyed by the things

I use to destroy others

I use my own weapons against you

Just to hand them over and surrender

to your suffering

I am suffocating in everyone's pain

Drowning in darkness

Choking of the words people spit in my face

But I've turned into the weapon

I am slowly destroying you

As you are loving me

Only difference is, I try to love you

When no one else ever tried to love me

Maybe you make me smile

Maybe you make me laugh

And maybe you make me happy

But truth be told those are all things

In which I fear, every night

As I lie in bed, thinking of

All the things going on in this crazy world

I always think back to you

But I fear the greatest

Because I only got the worst

And I begin to wonder,

Am I the worst for you?

My mind intertwined with

The darkest depths of hell itself

And the unsettling thought

Of you loving me, sunk in the pit

Of my stomach and twisted a 180 degrees

But I wanted to love you

More than I wanted to love myself

and maybe that's why I couldn't love either of us

Because I couldn't love myself enough

To be our backbone

Feelings.

Feelings coursing through my veins.

Dripping out of the cracks in my heart.

Fifty shades of blood red love.

Tearing at the seams.

My love was burning out

Slowly dying with the passion

Of things we used to feel.

Spit stains on you tongue.

Pink lipstick pressed to your cheeks.

Whiskey and wine drowning what

Little love your stone cold heart felt.

Cigarette scented clothes as I hugged you goodbye.

Little did I know.

That hug would be the last time

I ever felt your fake love.

Tears streaming down my face as I swore

I would never love you again.

I swore I'd never let you back in.

And as you stood on my front porch

In the pouring rain, begging for another chance.

I felt my heart give in to your crooked ways.

As you hugged me close again,

I told myself this was love.

And so I fell yet again.

And just like always, you were the one to trip me.

Caught in your Web of lies.

I stood from the fire and rose above you.

Finally. As courage filled my lungs

Like air, I screamed out every

Ounce of pain you ever threw at me.

As I turned away from you forever,

You let out one last sigh.

The only thing you were good for

Next to lying and drinking to forget me.

Tell me a story he said

As I gazed into his eyes

About what, I asked

About yourself,

Tell me what hurts you,

I See the pain you hide inside.

I grimaced as I you said these words

For nothing prepared me to answer this.

I was young and in love.. or so I thought.

He was my best friend and my everything

But it soon ended in tragedy.

I trusted him with every fiber of my being

I let all my walls down FOR HIM.

He couldn't respect me and when I demanded some,

He went crawling to them.

But he didn't want to be lonely, so he settled for me

But on the side he settled for them when I didn't give in to his ways.

He stripped me of my pride and clothes.

Left black and blue scars on my heart,

And destroyed any trust I ever had.

I don't know what hurt more,

The things you did to me,

Or knowing you did it to them too.

You downed another glass of vodka

The way you always did

As I sat on the phone telling you everything I loved about you.

You blew another cloud of smoke from your lying mouth

As I whispered in the phone how much you meant everything to me.

And as you spit in her mouth, I told you how I'd thought you were perfect.

Turns out I was a liar just like you.

Only I lied to protect you and you lied to protect yourself.

I finally opened my eyes and took a deep breath

I looked into your eyes and spoke calmly,

"Not today"

You nodded in agreement.

Maybe that's why

Maybe that's why I had so much pain

So it would teach me to let go

And lead me to you.

My happiness.

Things fall apart for a reason.

You gave me hope and destroyed it all at once

For so long I had built my walls around you

Never did I understand why things kept falling apart

But every time they did, I was your glue

I tried to hold you together while your world burned all around you

But when my world started to burn

You went behind my back and loved another girl

Although I don't think I'd label it as love, it was more like tenth degree lust

Her spit still stained your tongue as you pressed your lips against mine and mumbled "I love you"

One, two, three, four

Add another to the list

How many girls did it take for me to see through the lies you spoke through gritted teeth

I'm still not sure why things fell apart the way they did

Maybe I needed to learn a lesson

Or maybe you're just too cruel, even for this world

I loved you

But now, I just hate you.

When your world comes crashing down again

I hope it blows up in your face

So I can dance in the remains

And finally feel free from your tormenting soul

Goodbye cruel destiny

One day I'll be better than your destruction

You.

You were heaven.

You were gold.

You were a masterpiece.

Me.

I was hell.

I was black.

I was darkness.

Us.

We were young,

So in love.

Together we created

The perfect world.

Never.

Never did we last.

Never did you tell the truth.

Never was happy.

Broken.

Broken promises.

Broken hope.

Broken heart.

Memories.

Memories burning

Like the vodka

As you drank away

All our problems

And pushed it all

On me to fix.

Pain.

Pain was all you brought.

Pain was all you gave.

Pain is what lingers most.

Gone.

You are gone.

Our love is gone.

The sadness is gone.

Next.

Next I move on.

Next you try to come back.

Next I throw you out.

Next I become happy.

You.

You were hell.

You were black.

You were darkness.

Me.

I was heaven.

I was gold.

I was a masterpiece.

And you destroyed me.

Have you ever had a heart breaking realization and you just sort of collapse? Your lungs deflate until you can't breathe a single breath of air and your head spins. Your heart pounds and then shatters. Your bones ache and your body shakes. And no matter how bad you want to cry, you just sit there waiting for the tears to fall. But they won't.

Remembering you comes in waves

But hits heavy like a brick wall

You gave me panic attacks and labeled them "love"

You forced fear into every depth of my once so innocent mind

You took me for a fool and shoved false hopes down my throat

Choking me with words you could not keep

Bored was all you could be until one day, you left

And so went my sanity

I'd be lying if I said I was the same

After everything you did

Flashbacks of third degree abuse

Body shaking, mind racing, heart aching

Forever burning in the back of my mind

Your face was fading but your actions still burned

The burning was worse than the vodka you drowned yourself in

As you spit lies in my face

Remembering you was worse

Than drowning in your lies

Remembering you was gut wrenching

Remembering you was unbearable

Remembering you was...

Torture to the mind...

Hello, my name is Amber. I am 17 years old and I love singing, writing, and photography. Despite being fairly young still, I've been in a pretty abusive relationship and had to fight a lot of difficult battles in life as well. It's alright though because I am stronger than the pain and turn pain into beauty through writing. I hope you all will enjoy my works.