Why couldn’t I stop thinking about you? Why were you in my head every day? I could hardly wait to hear your answer, even though I knew you would never say yes. But then, why did I get scared, and the moment I saw you, I froze? You were so happy coming to hug me, and I just ignored you, not looking you in the eye.

Why did you seem hurt? Why was I scared to be where you were? Why did I feel like I was starting to lose you as you began to act distant? Why did I have to be the one to talk first? Are you that scared regarding this topic?

Why couldn’t you just say, “Hey, let’s talk”? Why did you seem angry when I asked if everything was okay between us? Why did you say, “I don’t know; you act like I don’t exist”? Did I hurt you?

Why was this month another drop for us, full of awkwardness and avoidance of each other? Why did I have to tell you to just say no so we could get back to being friends? Why did you look at me with those eyes, just a little sadder, when you said no?

Why did our story feel so weird after that?

Why did that group trip have to spark the idea that there was a chance for us? We were finally just friends.

Why did I start checking you out again? Why did you listen to me and get the haircut and beard I recommended? Why did it have to look so good?

Why did you have to sit next to me while we were drunk? Why did you put my legs over your lap? Why did you start playing with my fingers while with your other hand you caressed my legs? Later on, why did you let me hold your hand over the table, our fingers intertwined?

Why was drunk me brave enough to touch you but not brave enough to confess what everything between us meant? So, after everything, I just hid myself in my room instead.

Why did you start looking at me that way the next day?

Why did you take care of me again, letting me sleep in your bed, asking if I was okay, and giving me your jacket when I was cold, even though you were cold too? Why did it seem like something was finally going to happen?

Why did I open up to you the night before another holiday, late in your room? Why did you say, “Sorry, but I can’t say no, but I don’t know?” Why didn’t you just tell me no?

Why did I cry my guts out, scared to lose you as a friend, scared to lose you altogether?

Why did I finally get over you, throwing my feelings deep down so they felt like they didn’t exist anymore?

Why, when the guys in our group got us presents for International Women’s Day, did you have to get her a gift? Why her, and not me? But I acted like I didn’t care, as if “us” didn’t exist anymore.

Why did she suddenly start drifting away, getting together with another guy?

Why did your friend from abroad share his life story with me and then try to flirt? If that was flirting, it didn’t matter to me.

Why did it seem to bother you? I went home again before our group trip, and why did my feelings switch again, knowing we were starting to become our old selves like in October?

Why did I want to hold on to that connection, even when everything felt so complicated?

Why, why did you drift toward her while I was home, and why did she make me look foolish just to get closer to you? Why did it feel like I was losing two friends at once? So, I locked away every feeling I had for you.

Why did you agree to go swimming with me, only to let me walk ahead afterward? Were you… checking me out?

Why, when we went skiing, did I start to wonder if maybe I still liked you, even though I knew you probably liked her?

Why was my head such a mess? Why did these winter months have to twist everything between us so completely? And yet, somehow, we were still friends… at least.

Why did you call me that night as soon as we returned from the holidays, asking me to spend it with you because you didn’t want to be alone?

Why did you insist on watching one of your favorite films, the one you’d always said was only for special occasions, yet there we were, watching it together?

Why did you try to flirt with me in the library, even if it was clumsy. And why, just as I felt those moments might mean something, did you begin to notice her?

Why did it feel like everything between us—our long walks, our kitchen adventures—started slipping away? Why, in that quiet way, did this feel like the beginning of our downfall?

Why, oh why did I forget to mention that besides walking, we had our weekly cooking sessions together? So when December rolled around, I was your assistant cook?

Why was our city so romantic during this time, with lights covering every corner? And why did I get you as my Secret Santa? The stress I had, thinking about what I should get you, was over the roof, but why? Because then, I slowly realized I liked you.

Why did everyone tell me that you wouldn't help anyone while ice skating, but the second I got on the rink, you were there, next to me, one hand holding mine, and the other wearing my glove because you were cold?

Why did our friend then ask me about us, about something, and at first, I denied it, but he, as always, had the skill to read me like an open book, so I told him everything, scared, scared to lose you as a friend.

Why did this feeling make my heart go mad? Why did every friend from my hometown need to hear about you, so I could know what to do? Why did I like you?

Why did we get even closer? Our steps led us to the adventures of the night.

Why did you, during our walks, show me all my favorite places and stars? You were there, giving me your hand, looking at me that way.

Why, why did you get so angry that one time you ignored me for 2 days? And why did it destroy me so much that I couldn't sleep or think normally?

Why didn't I let myself realize that you meant more to me than a friend? Those nights I couldn't sleep, it never occurred to me that my feelings were growing.

Why did you seem sad when I didn't want to talk when I felt bad, or why did you bring me tea and medicine to make me feel better, even though I told you to fuck off?

Why did you care for me, check on me, and why did we get back to normal?

Why was our friend right? Why did you catch my eye from the start when I saw you in the kitchen?

Why did I have to ask you the unnecessary question about groups in front of our dorm just to talk to you?

Why was I, or better say, am I so talkative, and why did you still listen to every word I ever said?

Why were you always there, so I wasn't alone in this new chapter of my life? How did we become so close?

Why? Why did you look at me with those eyes and the smile on our first trip to the city, and why do I still remember it?

Why did you look sad when I was going home for the first time, and why did you made the jokes about hugging and crying while waiting for my bus with me?