My back.

My heart.

The skin that I bleed.

The life I walk through.

The time I spend.

My shoulders.

My head.

The way I used to laugh.

The sparks of insanity.

My eyes.

My neck.

The people I used to know.

Everything I've loved.

My feet.

My everything.

The way I cared.

The thing I did for you.

How it felt to die while breathing.

Me. I am numb. But also. I have become nothing.

A figment of imagination. There is nothing in darkness. True darkness is a piercing empty white light. Silence torments the mind, white silence rips the flesh from your body and strangles you with it. True darkness it blinding from within as well. Claws tear at your inner walls, hollowing out any last remains of your soul. There you sit in belonging bright dark. Exposed and exploited for all to ridicule. Just wondering there why the fuck did this absolutely have to be me?

It's no big deal. That's what they all say. Their tune changes when I tell them my motives. If it's really no big deal why is it you cringe when I speak? Why do you look away from me when I give you the details you ask for? In some twisted way I'm glad you can't stand to hear me without falling apart, but in other ways it breaks me. How can the world expect me to stay sane when others loose it with minor details. Everyone is budging in line to get to the front, but as soon as they are there it's stalling time. When is it alright for you to tell me to stay strong when things the don't even come close to my devastation haunt your subconscious? It's all fun and games till someone drops the bomb. "Be careful what you say, that one was raped" or " Don't go there man, she's fucked up". To my surprise when you get brutally beaten and violated it's only natural that almost everyone you know avoids you. I'm 16 and you're 27 but that 11 year gap separates us the way earth divides the heavens from hell. My maturity is questioned on a daily. Tell me ma'am, just how pleasant would your mood be if someone where to force themselves in between your legs and create a fucking black hole thru your life? Joy is sucked away, so it's either blind hatred or my self imploding fear and depression. Do you realize you ask me to be the perfect victim? I must stay strong in my everyday yet be weak to the court, it's expected of me to be the voice for others hurt as I am yet I am never to speak of my suffrage. This may not seem like a story type thing but that's only because my life is that of a disaster novel. Every turning page heightens the death tole and still you have no choice but to stare into those pages. In life we tend to forget the actual text and read between the lines. Problem is there's only blank space. What type of art museum would explain to you the substances artists had to consume before regurgitating their self righteous bullshit onto a canvas? Oh, fuck wait they don't. Humanity craves deeper meaning in just about everything. How difficult is it to comprehend. I was raped and beaten. There's no underlined shitty hopeful retort. Plain and simply painful. Done. I am the bad acid trip. My life and doubts all on the canvas. You then, happen to be the ever inspecting assholes who pry at the brushstrokes like I was trying to speak thru them. In all honesty I didn't know I was painting. The stokes overlap because I wasn't living reality. Who gives a fuck if my veins are twisted? Nobody will even notice until the autopsy, but it's nothing right? I am clearly the lesser person for not having the perfect answer to each of your accusing questions. I am a human. At least I was. I'm more of a hollow shell now, however, tell me again how it is you would handle my strife with grace. Tell me how brave you could be starring into an abyss. Lie to me once more and swear to me how irrelevant my misfortune is to my attitude. It's nothing. You'll be fine. How about you mind your own business. This is between the bottom of the bottle and me. It's nothing... Personally really.

He's going to leave me. They one before me is absolutely perfect as will be my replacement. I'm going to be abandoned and hurt. The one before him managed to break me and abuse me in any and every way he could. I don't understand this. If you still love them don't pretend to be ready for someone new. I'm afraid to get hurt. I'm afraid you can't or won't care for me the way I do you. I'm afraid of everything.

The words spoken that I find ridiculous would be "I'll be okay" or "You'll get through it". I am not sure if it's just me but if you've never been in this situation or something damn near identical you should not be so pushy with your beliefs. I admire your hope but if I don't look okay chances are I feel like nothing can ever be okay again. So telling me it will or I will just makes me cold and cynical.

I guess in this situation it would definitely be important to see if the tipping point you speak of would be positive or negative. At my best the tipping point would happen with hope. Hope that maybe someone should care the way they say. My hope lies with the honesty and love others grace me with. I find it difficult to feel worth if I simply have no self worth. So I depend on the way others deem me worthy, and I can admit that this is no way to live. However, it is much better and much stabler than my worst tipping point. It takes 1000 and 20 times to build me up but only one to send me crashing down. At my worst tipping point there are no warning signs, no indicator as to what horrifying things creep thru my head and heart. Anything will set off this self destruction and hardly anyone person can bring me back from it. My worst tipping point is that even I believe that I will burn in hell for my honesty in bringing a monster to justice. I know what was done was unforgivable but is it so outrageous to think that my monster has a monster that made him into this creature. I am one to never prosecute and to never Chastise. For every action there was a reason. No matter how disgusting and fowl it might've maybe my monster acts as I do. Maybe my monster will learn how I have been forced to.

Why the fuck am I like this. Why tonight! Why right now! I'm fucking done. I'm tired of being the only one who tries. God I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm going to explode. I'm screaming inside but in reality I can't even speak. What the fuck is wrong with me! God give me strength to live this life or take life from me. I cannot be living like this anymore. This isn't really even living. I am in a shadow existence. Fucking help. I can't do this on my own. I'm not okay anymore.