I confront her, that little girl

she sleeps inside of me

her voice so quiet

but her feelings LOUD

with her constant smiles

to make everyone proud

she whispers and giggles

hides a few tears

confesses her secrets

all her hidden fears

I grasp her hand

I give her a hug

I tell that little girl

that she is LOVED

I tell her the truth

that she still needs said

her quiet longings

of a soul that bled

you can be anything, baby girl

you are a light to the whole world

I see you, I hear you

I love how you sing

I love your writing

so many gifts that you bring!

you’re smart and you’re funny

I’m thankful you’re here

(I see in her eyes,

she holds back a tear)

I’m so proud of you

and I love you so much

with her wobbling bright smile

I see her heart clutch

she lets go of my hand

runs off to joyously to play

I take a deep breath

and

feeling strong, I walk away

am I merely caught

- stuck -

longing to see

sights that capture me

yet I’ve become the hermit

trapped in my house

is it fear that keeps me here?

fear that I will once again

find friends that I love

that are no friends at all

instead I protect myself

within a place that’s safe

but instead of enjoying

flowers I grew myself

I twiddle my thumbs

scrolling the endless loop

trying to not feel empty

I crave the connection

and the motivation

spurned by something

other than my work ethic

but I’m too scared

to step outside

the safety of these walls

I quiet my soul’s call

numb the feelings as they drawl

stand up, try not to fall

do we feel this one and all?

empty caverns, feeling small

loneliness is what befalls

yet we still try to stand so tall

no, we’re fine.

not lonely at all.

I’m on the wrong end of a .45

did I think I’d end up here?

wondering if I’ll make it out alive

I only went to Walmart

went to buy my kid some clothes

the senses here do overload

I’m just minding by business

getting what I need

when lo and behold

someone comes for me

I guess the odds were good

I’d end up here and all

after all, I live in America

home of the guns for one and all

I hope my son doesn’t blame himself

for the actions of this day

I just couldn’t escape

not once the gunman looked my way

perhaps, I’ll be named

on the news tonight at 5

they‘ll send their

thoughts and prayers

say “she’s way too young to die”

but tomorrow they’ll name another

who’s on the wrong end of a gun.

“I guess this is the end, but I feel I’ve only just begun.”

long I’ve sat swirling within

tornadoes of hurt

invaded by these wounds

which I wouldn’t admit were there

but with a new perspective

I see all the ways

in which I let the hurt consume

but I can let it devour me

or I can allow my body to

expand and contract and absorb this storm

swallow whole this pain

each of my cells becoming stronger survival of the fittest

perhaps that gentle naivety

may be eaten away by the storm

what remains might callous over

but even so what remains will be

strength, endurance, grit

from going through it all

and still surviving

no longer a victim of circumstance

I will see that which I can control

no longer allowing the storm

to tunnel around myself

over and over and in an out

I will not sit within the storm

screaming

WHY DOES IT KEEP RAINING

as all the wind scrapes against my skin

beaten by debris flung from the sky

no more

I will swallow the tornado

use it as a fuel

use it to cut out

some of the soft spaces within me

but I will be strong

still loving

still caring

but I will choose carefully

where I give my love

where I give my care

because all things do not deserve it

all things do not deserve for me

to give and give and give

until there is nothing left

scooping parts of me out

onto a platter for others

I will be reserved

I will be discerning

with that which I give

and to whom I give it to

for this is my becoming

becoming the person that I am

on the other side of the pain

and I will use it wisely

and be a storm all on my own

I try to deny it

but every day

I’m more bitter

the sea of sadness

draws closer

raging tides

within trembling silence

but I don’t want

to sit in empty pity

even as the things

I want to hold

fall through

my fingers like sand

instead I bid

a beautiful adieu

to all these thoughts

that do not serve me

the truth is all the things

I keep losing are just things

that either didn’t deserve me

or didn’t serve me

so I’ll wipe the tears

that stained my skin

take a breath

begin again