You’ve Been Served
Dear...We Didn't Bother Looking At Your Name,
We would have liked to thank you for your submission. Listen, you are great, but - Unfortunately, we had to wash our hair that day. Kept us busy most of the morning. Plus, there was a rerun of JAG that we could not possibly miss. You know they only air several times a day. You understand, obviously. We really wish we would want to read the rest of your submission, but we all had a long night at Benihana. And to be fair, no one felt like it after all that sake. Please, we have already enclosed a box of Kleenex in this letter. We get a discount and a tax write-off. Most importantly, we strongly agree that it's not us, but you. Really wish you the best of whatever luck you have left. Trust us when we say, you are going to need it.
Not very sincerely,
Hopes and Dreams
P.S. We have also enclosed a bill for the postage we had to spend to send this letter back.
Huck’s Tool-Shed Diet Book
The “All I Want for Christmas” Tool-Shed “Juicer’s Only” Diet
Using only a hammer, screwdriver, and needle-nosed pliers taken from the tool-shed, remove a tooth a day until there are no more. This experiment will make eating painful at start and inconvenient later. This diet also offers unexpected value by eliminating:
1- the expense of future dental maintenance
2- the time involved in three daily brushings and flossing’s.
3- the worries of romance.
The Out Behind the Tool-Shed Diet
Pay a large, mean person to follow you around and beat the snot out of you every time you reach for a Reece’s, a Big Mac, a brownie, or a Mountain Dew. (To include ice cream if it is a particular problem, and I would bet that it is.)
The Out Front of the Tool-Shed Diet
Take your unused bicycle out of the shed. Put your pantry, refrigerator, and car keys inside where the bike was, then chain an unfamiliar Rottweiler in front of the shed's door. Five feet beyond the chain’s length place the bicycle. You can think about the food in the pantry and fridge, but I wouldn't advise going there! Instead, use the bike to ride to the store once you are completely famished and must eat something.
This diet is great for maintaining a steady weight, as you cannot carry a great many donuts while riding a bike. This diet is also cost effective, as the dog works best when he, too, is hungry.
The Eat Only What You Can Find or Kill Inside the Too-Shed Diet
This diet is self-explanatory, and is very, very effective... ick!
The Use The Tools Inside The Tool-Shed Diet
That’s right, the scariest diet yet! Get out there and work the weight off! (You could even earn a dime or two as an added bonus, if you were so industrious as to carry the tools over to a neighbor’s yard before you begin.)
I wish you all good luck in choosing the diet that works best for you!
school is torture
in more ways than one
my brain is tired
while my body teems with nervous energy
unused nervous energy
i have to push it out of me
as i jerk and dance
to the music in my earbuds
gently, of course
so as not to irritate the swollen joint
my left-hand writing
is slowly improving
i rub the tell-tale sore on my finger
with quiet disdain
i've found the least painful
of the myriads of pains
is the dull, thumping, throb
it pulses gently, numbing my whole hand
when it's not throbbing, however,
the ache travels
it snakes up and down my knuckles,
it bridges over to my other fingers
i didn't cry today
sure, there where many instances
in which i felt the indisputable urge to violently sob
but i took some deep breaths,
clenched my jaw tightly,
and pushed through it
no, i didn't cry today