We were once nothing

positively nothing

2 people walking the same earth with

no concious rememberence for each other

those moments weren't our moments yet

our moments weren't memories i can't shake

at 10 am when I'm trying to sleep

We were once something

the type of thing that intertwines our lives

the same way we intertwined our hands

and our legs

and we overlapped the same way our hair did

when we layed down together

and we looked at the ceiling

and it was sweet

like the strawberry milkshakes with whipped cream

we used to share

until we didn't like the taste of them anymore.

we were once.

between us

there is something that dances

chaotic at times

delicate at others

raging when it needs to be enough

to hope is to want, and to want, is to dream

but the expectations are the ones we set

the ones we make come from somewhere

a dream is a something that doesn't require concious continuation

a hope is a want that has manifested in our bodies till we know no different

but what we want

what we want, is magical

because in most cases we have no idea where it comes from

and one day it sits down right in out lap

until it is absorbed by our stomachs and it turns into butterflies

i used to love you

in that way

the way in which every fairytale ends

and every princess in every movie is searching for

and you never wanted to be like them

and somehow we kept writing ourselves into the same scenarios we watched unfold on television

except ours wasn't an ever after

because i never let it be

i just kept asking and asking

for more of your time

more of your attention

more handholds and hugs and kisses before you leave

and none of it never added up to enough for me

i was addicted to you

suffocating you

and in the end it was me who made the fire that once danced between us go out

and i saw you leave with it

I was

ready to sit next to you in drama class

and love the way our feet danced together

to the music our hearts sang

rub your palm the way reserved for imaginations

hold hands as we walked from first period to third

hug the way that makes you think its not hugging anymore

do things for you

because I wanted you to notice me noticing you noticing me

have those texts that make each other blush but read them again and again

dance with you in the dark gym because I asked you

to be yours and only yours

I am

alone now

no more feeling your hair on my shoulders

no more texting

no more falling into your arms

no more making eye contact from across the room

or watching you while you didn't know I was

feeling special because of you

being yours to hold

to miss

to kiss

but now you've gone and broken

my superglued heart

covered in foundation to hide

the scars from before you

and curtains drawn to hide

the mutilated remains after you

I will be

running from love as long as it's willing to chase me

Beginnings are endings

loopdy loops of nothing ridden on repeat

dives into your empty arms

watching as seals break silence

that breaks more than hearts

tape fixes tabletops

not hearts stopped

smiles are drawn on

temporarily permanent

permanently temporary

hugs are suffocating

taking away lots

leaving fragmented bits of love

dropped like breadcrumbs

leading only to the place

avoided with a passion

followed over and over

convincing me that this time will be different

blank mimicry in the same hollow shell

wearing thin in response to overuse

aching to be buried in the ground

with that shattered heart

a surplus of what ifs supplied

to build the wall that surrounds

and keeps out the good things

breaking down for no one

trembling always

prepared to ignore the strings tugging until they snap

love turned off

remote hidden in plain sight

waiting to be asked to turn on

when what I really wanted to ask

was where did the love go?

w h e re

d i d

o u r

l o v e

g o . . .

I'm waiting to find it

will you take it back when I do?

I'll save it all

just to be spent on you. . .

because I love the idea of you. . .

I wanna fall asleep feeling the warmth of a you next to me.

And when you hold me I want you to hold me so tight I feel like I'm suffocating in your love.

Every time you look at me, look at me like its the first and last time you'll ever see me.

Love me and never leave me.

Our feelings will be the fire that was meant to be contained but can't because the heat of our relationship is uncontrollable.

And we'll be the couple everyone talks about and loves because we're cute together and hates because what we have is so special it can't be duplicated.

We'll play off each other the same way crayons play off of paper with you drawing the story of you and me in colours only we can see.

Love me and never leave me.

It's over, are the words you'll never hear from me because I love you too much to ever leave you.

I'll let you be happy anyway you choose even if that's not with me.

I'll break off a piece of my heart, gift wrap it, and wait infinetly to give it to you if I have too.

Love me and never leave me.

Leave me, but don't really leave me, you can stop loving me but I'll always have love in my heart for you.

You do that and I'll move on without ever moving on. I'll be infinetly freefalling in love with someone else and only be thinking of how far I fell for you.

I might kiss other people the way I kissed you, but it'll never be that way. There's this unexplanable feeling I get when I kiss you I can't get anywhere else.

Love me and never leave me.

Because if you do, I'll never forget the way my heart felt when you broke it.

sometimes

i wake up

at night

alone

scared

and missing you

craving your touch

craving you

but only

sometimes

often i go back and forth

between liking you

and hoping you fall off the face of the Earth

other times i'm somewhere in the middle

and that makes sense to me

because i never had you

so how could i have lost you

thats what i think

but only sometimes

i miss being able

to want you

i miss us hiding the truth

but showing each other flashes

of it

i miss knowing

my positioning with you

i miss you

but only

sometimes

i'm sorry that it wasn't supposed

to happen

i'm sorry i didn't see

why

it wouldn't work

i'm sorry

i pushed you

but only

sometimes

i don't talk because

everything i want

to say

i know i can't

but i still wish

i could say it anyway

i want to talk

really talk

to you

but only

sometimes

did you know

that i imagine

a reality

where

neither of us

is scared

neither of us

is confused by

the other

but also

neither of us

wants the other

but only

sometimes

i still have hope

that what fell apart

never really did

just cracks waiting

to be filled

by having

the other one

i wonder if you

think about that too

but only

sometimes

This is what nobody sees

Nobody sees this

Because it's too painful

Too ugly

Too flawed to show

So I hide

I wait until

Nighttime

Nobody can see

In the dark

And it always

Comes back to me

It can never hurt me

Because I can make

It light again

The darkness

That's inside

That Consumes me

Doesn't know

Doesn't care

About what I'm doing

As long as I'm quiet

And don't disrupt it

It won't tell about

What nobody sees

See what I see

Know what I know

Feel what I feel

Openly

No hiding

Just send back

As much as

Is secretly being

Sent to you

Love me back

Without knowing

I love you too

Understand what I'm saying

Without having heard it out loud

Let this be a luxury

Not a liabilty

Recieve my unspoken pleas for you

Then know what to do with them

Hear those overbearing screams

My body wants to give you

And unwrap them

Quietly

Then tenderly

Thrash the depths of my soul

Without moving at all

Hallucinations :):

I had a dream

A dream about it

It

It being what I want

Want to be

but can't

I had a dream

He cared

Was careful

With me

I didn't like it

I loved it

I had a dream

It was easy

We understood each other

Without talking

I looked in his eyes

I saw his desires

I fulfilled them

I had a dream

That we

We made each other happy

Fulfiled desires

Inflicted pleasure

Instead of pain

I had a dream