Can’t make it out.
I wake up drenched in my own sweat. Unable to remember what the ghost of you had haunted me with last night. Left with no recollection but a pit in my stomach and a numbness in my soul that I can't explain. My mouth dry as if I was screaming out once again, yet it was the alarm blaring in my ears that pulled me from your memory not the warm embrace I'd been crying out for. I wake up convinced you've found me or are going to soon. Maybe if someone's arms would've pulled me from my nightmares filled with your broken eyes they could've reassured me. I'm not sure if reassurance is possible when it comes to you though . No matter how much healing and moving on I do no one can honestly tell me I'll ever be safe from you. The lack of information you I'm allowed only fuels the heart dropping, constant waiting feeling. At work, at school, even in my own bed. I'm always just waiting for to come for me. It sounds ridiculous when I try to speak or write the paranoia, people tell me you're smarter than to make any contact, to even lay eyes on me. But they never looked in your eyes when you started to lose control. They never saw the softness in your eyes turn to aggression as your voice got harder and your grip became painful. They never watched with pity and terror as you completely lost yourself inside your own mind after days without sleep. You looked me in the eyes as you calmly asked me if I could drive to the nearest hospital while your hand floated towards the gun waiting on the dashboard of your f-150. They never felt the helpless eye-watering weakness I felt when I had to sit there watching you, tears rolling down your face, talking like you'd lost control but in a tone like you were relaxed in the moment of insanity, lift that gun to your temple, lock eyes with me and explain how to make sure it was successful. Some of our memories are blurred and spotty from alcohol and drugs, some just from the time that's passed but too many are crystal clear and when they force their way into the front of my mind, it feels like I'm there all over again. Reliving the tears and laughter, the pain and freedom, the begging and fighting. I get taken back and it feels like I never made it out. like I will never be able to get out. At least not breathing. I want to make new memories of what love really is but I freeze at the idea that these nightmares can never be erased, that they may override all the beauty and love I've experienced since you.