I guess I had them all fooled. They believed I was this sweet and caring person who went out of their way to put everyone first. To tend to the needs of others before I considered my own. It didn't help that I played the part, feeding into their delusions of who they thought I was. I wondered how they would take the news of the real me, the selfish and heartless person that face them. Would they overlook my passed indiscretions, forget about the unforgivable things I have done. Would they still love this person who hates the world? The me who plots the downfall of those around? Would I still be sweet and caring once they found out the truth, that I despised all of them. Suppose they saw that the real me was full of hate and rage, masked by a smile. Little by little I see the truth breaking through the cracks in my lies.
The Combustible High
There's this amped up arousal that ignites this fire inside of you.
It consumes you to the point where you're convulsing.
Your entire body feels like it's about to come undone but you want more of it, you beg for it.
You ride this high that surges through you.
You grasp and cling to anything that will keep you from floating away.
It's as if a thousand tremors vibrate through you.
It's unbearable at times, wanting it to give you a moment of reprieve but it continues to assault you.
It buries itself deep in your core waiting for you to give into it, to give into its control.
You have no choice but to let go.
Your voice unrecognizable as your body shakes from the euphoric pleasure, building up until you spontaneous combust.
When you've been beaten and broken down your whole life you tend to stop believing that anything good will come your way. That's not how life works, at least that's what I thought until I met him. He was nothing like how people described him in books or in movies. He wasn't some red horned beast with a tail and pitchfork. He wasn't this intimidatingly good looking man in a dark suit with an ominous aura surrounding him. The Devil came to me in the form of a child, perhaps he knew that I would be more accepting of him if he was a child. I never had the best relationships with adults, they always found a way to hurt me in any way they could.
“I have a present for you.” His voice is calm, comforting.
“Uh..where are your parents? It's pretty late out, you should be at home.” I told him as I looked around thinking this was just some lost little kid.
“What about you, it's pretty late for you to be out at this hour?” I was sixteen at the time and even though technically I was a kid I had obvious reasons why I couldn't go home, not for another four hours anyways. I needed to be sure my father was asleep and he was already on his sixth tall can, his tolerance for alcohol intake was high.
“Regardless, I'm older and it's not safe out here so you need to go. Are you lost, do you need me to call someone for you?” I looked around again to see if anyone might have been looking for him.
“Im alot older than you think. Why do you allow him to hurt you?” The boy asked and I froze.
“Look, whatever sick joke this is, you need to stop and get out of here, it's not funny.” I could feel myself shaking.
“Does it look like I'm laughing?” He handed me a camara, it was old, and an antique.
“What's this, did you steal this?” I looked at him questioningly.
“I know you've been hurting for a while and I'm sorry your prayers have not been answered.”He spoke
“What are you talking about?” It was a coincidence, it had to be.
“He's forgotten you but I haven't. I've watched you, waited for you to call to me.'' I had a million questions running through my mind.
“Look kid, I don't even know your name.” This kid was definitely weird
“You know me, I've come to you before but you've sent me away. He's not coming for you but I have."He placed his hand over mine and I could feel it. His touch was like fire burning but I didn't feel any pain.
“Accept my present and all your pain and suffering will be gone.” It couldn't be him, could it?
“Are you the D…Dev..”
“Yes, do you accept my gift?” His eyes searched for mine.
“What do I have to do….to make it stop? To make him stop.” Nothing had worked in my favor so far so why not, if this was all some sick twisted joke I'd still be in the same place as I am now so why not.
“This camera is very old and dear to me, it has power in it.”
“What kind of power?” I asked curiously.
“The kind of power that makes all your problems disappear.” His tone never changed, always calming.
“Including…?” I couldn't finish, I could feel tears trying to escape.
“Including him. Would that make you happy?” There was a glow to his eyes now and the burning that I felt before was gone now replaced with warmth.
“How? How do I use this power?” I was eager, I wanted it all over with.
“Just take a picture of anyone who's ever hurt you. That photo will be their death.” He smiled almost as if he was excited about this. I suppose I was as well.
“After today you will finally be free and safe, I will always be there whenever you call for me.” He stood, bending down to place a kiss on my forehead.
“He was true to his word, I was finally free from all the pain and hurt and he did come whenever I called to him, always as that child from our first encounter.
Time had passed and I had lived a happy life but I was at my end now and I grew so very tired. I called him but he refused to take me, he had grown too attached to me. He had forgotten that I was made of flesh and blood, that my human self could not live forever. Everytime it was the same, he denied my requests and I stayed and continued to expire. It had been so long since I had used his gift that I had all but forgotten it. It was still as I had remembered it. If he wasn't willing to do it then I'd do it myself. I had made myself presentable to whomever was the unfortunate one of my children or grandchildren to find me. Wrote them notes telling them how much I loved them and an amazing life. I told them not to be sad and to celebrate. Lastly, I told them I was okay that the place I was going had been a source of comfort for me, knowing that I had someone watching and protecting me most of my life, I told them goodbye and that this time I was finally free of everything. I sat the camera up, got into position and *CLICK* The flash was blinding.
“I had a feeling you would do it.” That voice was familiar but it was different.
“Are you..?” He was older now, not the child I was used to.
“I wish you wouldn't have done that.'' I was confused.
“I thought you would be glad to see me.” Although unconventional, I had considered him a friend, stupid I know.
“Do you know why I always disagreed with your requests?” He seemed almost disappointed. I couldn't get my words out, I could only shake my head.
“It's because you can't stay here with me, your soul is pure, you belong up there.” I saw sorrow in him. What have I done?
“But I've been killed. I…live..”
“I told you that camara had powers in it, you might have taken the picture but it all fell on me. I made it so you weren't involved." I don't know how he did it but the camera was now in his hands.
“I want to stay here, I'm safe here.” I pleaded with him.
“I;m going to give you one more gift.” he stood in front of me, now towering my height. I kept my promise and now it's time I set you free.
“I don't want you too, please.” I could taste the tears that fell, I wasn't entirely sure they were just mine.
“I’m grateful for the time we've had and I will always treasure your memory.'' I could feel his lips on my forehead. “Goodbye.” there was a second blinding light that engulfed me.
“She won't remember, like a passing dream. She will only remember the good and I will remember everything.” how could i not while i have her memories and photo with me.
I hate the word
It's too severe
But that's the way she makes me feel
I hate her for the way she puts me down
Her backhanded comments
Her stares that eat at my confidence
That beat me down
I’m small and weak
When she's around
I stay silent
Afraid to anger her
I hide away
Wanting to become invisible
Invisible to her words
Invisible to my surroundings
Invisible to her
Its like this weight pressing on you
Gasping for air
Clawing at the walls
Trying to find a way out
Locked away in the dark
You feel alone
You are alone
The sound of your heartbeat
Getting louder and louder
Sweat dripping from anticipation
The minutes ticking by slowly
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I envied you for believing in love
How you fell so effortlessly
How you opened up so easily
Even after everything that's happened to us
I often wondered was it out of desperation
Clinging on to something that we never had
We were emotionally starved for love
We craved the comfort it brought
Even in my own experiences it overwhelmed me
Scared me enough that i ran
I turned away from it
As if it was a flashing neon sign
Blinding me to what was unknown
I wanted to believe that love was real
That happy endings did exist
But my eyes don't lie from the sights that i saw
The abuse “LOVE” gave in return
Over and over
Like a pungent rotting scent that seeped in my lungs
I wondered why you always went back
Did love hold you as tight as you wanted
Was it the security that you needed
Did love outweigh the lies
Were the cuts and bruises worth the wait
Was love worth all the hype
Would I let love control me the way it has you
Destroy the little happiness i made for myself
Do you still hope that love is real
Do you still love?
Shadow of Lies
The thing about funerals is that people seem to think secrets get buried as well but they forget about what lives in the shadows and how light tends to bring those secrets out.
I was twenty five in mid December. My family had gathered to say goodbye to me.
An accident, they said. Apparently my brakes just gave out on my way home one cold winter night. It took me a while to realize I was dead. I thought everyone was playing some cruel sick joke by ignoring me. I would throw things, yell at my family that it wasn't funny, whatever they were pulling. The sight of pure fear in my mothers eyes snapped me out of what I thought was reality. I really was dead. I couldn't remember anything, I didn't even remember crashing. I watched for days as they cried for me, cursed God for taking me away and I have to admit I was doing the same. A couple of days passed when I noticed my step father acting strange. Granted we were never close especially after my birth father passed away, not that i wanted to replace my father in any way but he was always distant and now he was acting as if i was his blood. He went out of his way to arrange everything as my mother was too distraught. He didn't care enough about me to do something like that, he was selfish and only married my mother for her money. That was the main reason we never got along. So why now, why was he putting in so much effort for me?
I have to admit, the arrangements were beautiful, they even put me in my favorite baby blue dress, my hair in waves. I moved through the mourners, listening as they all agreed I was way too young to have passed, that it was such a horrible accident. Others were reminiscing on the good times we had shared while they laughed then cried. I kneeled in front of my mother, her eyes swollen and red. I would miss her the most, she was my best friend.
“It's almost over. In a month's time I will be in Vermont starting a new life.” The sound of my step fathers voice annoyed me but I was confused by his words. What was he talking about?
“I just think we could have done this another way. If i would have just talked to her i'm sure she would have given us some money.” It was my mothers words that confused me now.
“You said it yourself, her father left her all that money for her twenty sixth birthday with a stipulation that she was to keep it for herself and not give any of it away.” I could taste bile in my throat.
“She wouldn't have done that, she would have given it to me.'' I stared at my mother, she wasn't who i thought she was. This wasn't my mother.
“You wanted a new life, to start over and we weren't going to be able to do that with half of the money. Don't forget tampering with her car was all your idea.” i looked between them/
“Mom please, please tell me it's not true. Mommy please you wouldn't do that to me.” my eyes started tearing up. This had to be a joke, my mother wouldn't do that to me,
“Don't remind me, she was my only child.”
It was true, they killed me for money. Money that I would have given to her, I would have given her anything she asked for.
“Once this is over everything will be done with. It all worked out, the crash was an accident and the claim for the money was approved so you'll get exactly what you wanted.” I hated him, I hated that he was excusing my murder.
“You're right, she would want this for me. She would want my happiness.” Your happiness, you're my mother. A mother should want for her child's happiness not their death.
That's when I realized, no one will know the truth. No one will know the lies that live in the shadows.
I wish I could forget exposing myself to you
Lying to myself that this was real
Letting you seep into my blood
Letting you have control over me
Losing everything i was for you
Ostracizing myself from the world for you
Obsessing over you
Obeying your words as if they were law
Opening my heart to pain
Vulgar words that scar me
Vulnerable to what you command
Venom from your touch that burns me
Vicious lies you spread
Egotistical rants that surrounded me
Emotionally neglecting what i needed most
Envying the freedom that was taken from me
Ending up where I never wanted to be
They're just thought right?
Crept into my mind
Blurring the lines of reality
Confusing me from what's real
Craving to fulfill these urges
They're just thoughts right?
Wanting to inflict pain
Seeing the panic in their eyes
Their cries of terror
Begging for me to stop
They're just thoughts right?
Their fear intoxicating
Sending pleasures through me
Igniting my primal urges
A glutton for their punishment
They're just thoughts……