Being talked off the ledge constantly by my family and friends for the past two months.

Even now there are people in my life urging me to protect “you” long after you destroyed my life and ran away like a coward. People who liked you and vouched for you. You hurt them too. B always looked up to you… how could you?

If I was a man, wouldn’t I be expected to fight to avenge my honor and the honor of my bloodline you bound yourself to in both word and deed? Your and my ancestors were listening and watching the entire time and they are not pleased.

When did your fear of God and karma end—when you saw me grown into full woman, said the two syllables of my name like a prayer, remembered who I was to you that one sun drenched summer all those years ago?

Catholic schools taught me to turn the other cheek.

My parents raised me up to be a proper lady.

But I renounced the Catholic Church long ago.

And I’ve always had a bit of tomboy in me.

This is the problem with pissing off the quiet, nerdy, laid back women…once we allow ourselves to get angry time doesn’t heal our wounds. & every day I become more enraged.

Aint no amount of cranes in the sky or mantras or singing bowls or pushing and pulling on my energy while we’re asleep or awake that can fix this, ho. You were the one who declared to God that we are tethered…

I told “you” this when you asked me to explain the fundamental difference between you and me. You lie to protect the feelings of those around you. I tell the truth to make people face themselves and their feelings. That woman who read us told you the same. Did you think everything we studied together was a game?

To someone whose entire life is a lie the truth can be a foreign concept. Ironic how you always debated me on the definition of truth when it was you who needed the lesson the most.

And on a lovers and friends tip I told “you” your lies would destroy all that remained innocent within you but you pretended not to hear or understand. “You” destroyed my last bit of my innocence too, when it was not yours for the taking.

Guess we both thought we could overcome our true natures. “You” didn’t though, so why should I?

-You

I love seeing women at the height of their beauty. The young fresh skinned youth who has just discovered make up and dressing for her body. The thirty something who feels perfectly fine going to meet her friends bare faced sans bra. The woman experiencing hot flashes and taking the brave step to cut her waist length hair-for coolness, and-to be free. Women, who are beautiful outside, but moreso inside, as we grow into our ancient wisdom, power, and glory, celebrate yourselves. Embrace your femininity, even if it's what society declares to be masculine. If it comes from a woman it is unequivocally feminine. Read that last line again. The biggest lie we ever believed is that we had to do anything other than breathe to be a woman. A maiden. A lady. A crone. A human being.

-Selah.k_x

#prose

there is a reason why

i can fly

i mean, I can fly

like a bird in the sky...

Nikki Giovanni told me

In her poem to not trip

Stay hip, don't flip

just let my ego rise...

But still I catch cold when I walk down the street

Wishing the eyes wouldn't land on me

See

Being black female in America is hard

Obscenities stared at me

tear like shards

From those who do not truly see

All that I am

all that I want to be

I am more than an object

I am more than my hips

I am more than the smile you try to coax

from my lips

When you compliment me

The words don't penetrate my soul

You have your mind in my gutter

But inside me

I have gold

Yet, it's been dulled like copper

Because the bronze in my skin

Often makes me feel like I am

at the whim

Of every negative reflection

Mirrored to me from him

I am supposed to be strong

But not challenge you

man

I am supposed to be smart

But deflect to the

will of your hand

I am supposed to be loyal

But not bring up the pain

Misogynoir frontin as love

Contributes to the strain

Of making her feel like she is never enough

You tell me to lower my standards

that I expect too much

But when I fall a step behind

You call me on your bluff

Tell me I'm stuck up

I'm puffed up

I aint all that

I'm rough

Black man...

You are the ones who are supposed to love us the most

You call us queens but are so

quick to roast

Black women

with our naturally kinky hair

our naturally dark skin

our naturally powerful airs

You claim to be beat down in the world on a daily basis

So when you look at me and my sisters

why don't you see your oasis...

Our shared history and and struggle and pain and hustle

Should make us love each other and be ready to die for the other

Instead you see a conquest

it's no contest

You wanna know what that mouth do

My mouth is speakin knowledge

but it's prolly too much for you

Black man...

Black woman will love you past the point of

can't love no more

We have 500 years of love brought on ships from Africa's shores

So why is that we all long to feel

That we are valued by you

That we are precious

...revered...

Black man

Take a look in your heart

Ask yourself today

When your name is brought up in a room of your sistas

What does the truth say

about you...

<<do you love us>>

#blacklove #relationships #reparatations #poetry

take your pen and let the point glide ink from a steady fine point

onto the paper that absorbs the darkness

…of your words left memorialized

i follow the loops and twists of your words

                        <<deftly tourniquet my heart>>

words flowing in curlicues and flourishes and vines

all connected except for the small spaces you take in-between your prose

…pregnant with silence

your last words are more beautiful being written like this

                         <<in the gaps my tears come up for air>>

you write your damning words to me in the way

one would please old school

…school masters

your flowery colloquialisms look elegant

                           <<too beautiful to savagely rip and tear>>

everyone knows people only use cursive now when writing their signature

forever to me now, your signature will be the last word

                             <<good bye>>

thank you for writing that you no longer love me in cursive

        …I believe it’s a lost art.

#prose #poetry #cursive #heartbreak #beauty

we often take for granted

what we once held in esteem

the idea of a dream to strive for

for some eclipses

the dream realized

what if you close your eyes

and you have the

perfect job

perfect love

perfect smile

perfect life

but still you sigh?

but still you sigh...

it would be easier to blame your discontent on another

than on you

~your self

selah.k_x

pensive unrestive erase identity

one of millions marchingrunningshooting out at sea

you tell me to runjumpfightkill

so we can have world peace...

but you all runjumpfightkill

men women children

who look just like me...

ive served my country

but does my country serve me?

ive loved this country

but does my country love me?

who will survive in America

will we ever be free?

this elusive thing you all call freedom

when will it come to me and mine??

< my life in its name>>

~a black female veteran's dilemma

selah.k_x

you don't fall down in love

you trip up

e

c f

a u

r l

g l

y

~via 2 am convos under the stars

selah.k_x

because even lions are soft

in the spots behind their ears,

their bellies, and their manes

because even lambs can draw blood

with rough wools and hooves

and bleating tongues that bray

so which of us will tame our beasts

and which one of us will slay...

<<i feel at peace in your violence>>

~the lion lies down with the lamb

selah.k_x

turning 32 in 5 days. it's a thursday this year. wednesdays are always my lucky days... oh well.

most people get hype about their birthdays. that's never been me. i get contemplative. i like to think about who i am today versus who i was when i came into this world, 20 years ago, 13 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 weeks ago, yesterday...

i've been thinking a lot about shoulda, coulda, woulda's...

would Bernie Sanders really have brought world peace or would he had been just another charismatic fat cat in a suit?

should i have smoked that black before yoga class yesterday and said fuck it i'm just gonna continue to be a walking contradiction? smoker yogi. dark light. fire ice. shy bold. here gone. oscillating between all of the two's... that is the gemini way.

would i be a better friend if i didn't learn at a young age that i like being alone with a book under a tree overlooking some water more than anything on this earth? should i continue to revel in solitude like i am my own nation? would you believe me when i say that i love all of my friends even if i don't always see you?

should i keep grinding for the dream when no one but me can see past the trees? when white men with millions tell me it sounds better coming from someone just not like me?

should i have run from his harsh words when his eyes begged me to stay? should i hate him when he says i am the one who got away? should i bless the new fruit of their unhappy bliss? he told me he sees me whenever they kiss.

(karma collects; my girl, she's a bitch...)

should i believe the words any of them are writing or speaking? would allowing love in my life be as simple as breathing? could giving my heart be the Secret, Life's Meaning? when i laid on your chest we heard our souls speaking...

----

imagine my surprise...

but...

it is rare.

it is truth.

it is us.

----

i have no answers to any of the questions.

all i have is more questions.

----

my niece fell asleep in my arms the other day. i looked into her face that is so much like mine and the veil lifted. for the first time i truly understood the purity of that kind of love-the love between a mother and her child. she is not even my child but i now understand what makes a mother be able to move mountains to make sure her child will never feel pain. that realization pierced me to my core and now i long to know that for myself.

do you realize that only a mother knows what it feels like to carry two souls in her body at one time? how are you ever the same once you have felt the gravity of that truth for yourself? it is not a choice i would make lightly. but it is a choice i would lay my life down for once made.

so, should i? could i? would i?

----

my soul has always been old. my mind has always been fluid. my face seems like it will never age. these truths are both gift and curse.

and this year has been the best and worst year of my life.

i've hurt. i've cried. i've hurt others. i've made others cry. I've smiled. i've laughed. i've leaped. i've yelled. i've been brave. i've been a coward. i've won. i've lost.

i've lost. i've lost. i've lost.

but i learned the lessons. i have seen the beauty and the ugliness. i have realized you can't have one without the other. it's about how you shape it and how you let it shape you.

i have grown into my skin. it is dark with no wrinkles and it drinks up the sun. my soul whirls and twirls with a tambourine in the light of the moon.

i now know what my true name is.

it is a four lettered word but that doesn't mean it isn't beautiful.

~on being 32

selah.k_x

devastation is

    the man you love

calling you to tell you

    he is having a daughter

with another woman

                   yet...

    and that it will always be

you...

~forgive me, i've been absent from life

selah.k_x